


Undiscoverable Path

by Satienn



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Death, Delusions, Depression, Dissociation, F/M, Heavy Drinking, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Refereced Suicide Attempt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Manipulation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Blood, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prescription Drugs, Psychological Trauma, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Sex, Swearing, Temporary Amnesia, Therapy, Unresolved Tension, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 168,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25395739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satienn/pseuds/Satienn
Summary: (SPOILERS FOR SEVEN'S ROUTE, AFTER ENDING AND BOTH SECRET ENDINGS)You thought after all the emotional and physical stress you suffered together to save his beloved twin brother, he would honestly keep his promises... Then you woke up one day, and he was gone. Taking your sanity away with him.He expected you to live a certain life. You've been living another entirely. But it seems true happiness requires something special... And you're yet to find it.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Main Character, 707 | Choi Luciel/Reader, Choi Saeran/Main Character, Choi Saeran/Reader, Han Jumin/Main Character, Han Jumin/Reader
Comments: 195
Kudos: 270





	1. A Tear in the Fabric of Reality

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING!  
> Please read the tags before you continue. I'll update it with the chapters, so check it often too!
> 
> English is not my first language, I'm sorry in advance.

_He's playing with the laces of my favourite lingerie. He got me trapped under his naked body, completely at his mercy. His piercing golden eyes locked into mine, sending shivers down my spine. His hot breath so close to me, whispering words I am very familiar with._

_"Tonight might be our last night." He kisses my neck. "Or we might be able to spend the rest of our lives together." He kisses my jawline. "I don't know the results. But if tonight is our last..." He inspects my face very carefully. "I just want to do one thing."_

_With his long fingers, he turns my head to the left side, allowing me to see where I am again. We are not at the cabin where I first heard these words... We are in our bed, safely inside his house. Our room is filled with candles all around us. This is the present he prepared for me._

_"Can I be a bit selfish to you?" He whispers close to my exposed ear. I feel his lustful voice filling me whole. "I want to leave on you evidence that I existed. I want to hold you tight and love you all night so that you can remember me forever." He passionately continues while exploring my body with his warm hands. "Will you let me?"_

_"Yes, please!" I want to answer... But the words never come out._

_Saeyoung laughs wickedly and suddenly all the candles are blown away. Darkness consumes the room around me and myself with it._

_I've never felt so alone._

You wake up with a jolt in the same bedroom of this bizarre dream... A mix of memory and nightmare, actually. You remember when Saeyoung gave you this romantic surprise a few weeks ago, exactly one year after you met. He even repeated those exact same words from... your first time together. Both of them were very sweet and steamed nights. You turn your head around, checking Saeyoung's side of the bed and it is empty. The sheets are messy, indicating someone just left. He probably got up early and went to work on one of his projects, you assume. "You cannot control my creations, they control me!" or so he once said. Always the workaholic this husband of yours. _How I wish he could be here right now to replace that bad dream with--_

Some noises coming from the kitchen caught your attention. You guess they were caused by Saeran, cooking something for breakfast. Shaking those naughty thoughts away, you remember how many other memories you get to reminisce over this one year, and ever since you left that cabin. Not just with Saeyoung, but together with Saeran as a complete and happy family. They had their difficult start, of course you remember, but Saeyoung made sure his brother was fine before you officially became part of their lives. Although there were a few times his outbursts happened, Saeran's been so dedicated ever since you moved in, it made you and Saeyoung very proud to see him recovering so well. He even accepted the other RFA members pretty nicely after a few months... Your life couldn't be better, you could say.

Suddenly, a louder noise invades the bedroom. You run to the door and shout towards the kitchen, "Is everything alright over there?"

"Yeah, I just accidentally dropped a pan. Don't worry. Did I wake you?" You were right, it was Saeran cooking breakfast.

"I was already awake. Let me help you, I'm just gonna take a quick shower."

"You don't have to..."

"Give me five minutes!" You close the door loudly before he could say anything.

When you enter your private bathroom and see Saeyoung's used humid towel over the sink. "He never remembers to put it on the right place", you complain as you do his job. _At least his dirty clothes are not all over the house anymore..._ That was something you had to lecture him about way too often. _Vanderwood was damn right about my husband's bad habits._ Speaking of his old "maid", it's been quite a long time since you last heard anything about him. _I wonder if he's alright. I'll ask Saeyoung later._

You finish showering and go brush your teeth. When you open the drawer, you see a ton of medicines you've never seen before. T _hey certainly were not here last night._ You pick the bottles carefully to read what's inside them. Some are prescribed to Saeran, and you've seen them before. Nevertheless, it makes you question, _Why would they be here? Did Saeyoung move them here while I was sleeping? Could he be safekeeping from Saeran? That must be the logic reason..._ And then there were others you have never seen in this house. The letters are so small, but you still force yourself to read. They seem to be addressed to...

"MC? Are you okay in there?"

You almost dropped the thing when you heard Saeran's voice coming from outside the bedroom, completely surprised. You quickly put the bottles back before answering with a shaky "I'm fine", as if you were really trying to hide it from him. There must be a reason why Saeyoung decided to put them here and you should respect it, even if you do not understand it for now.

"You said you would come and help... I got worried, you were taking too long."

"Sorry. I... I got distracted. I'm almost done."

"That's okay." You hear him walking away.

You close the drawer, trying to quickly finish your hygiene routine and get dressed as fast as you can. You really lost track of time. Your five minutes turned into ten, or probably more, for when you were about to enter the kitchen, the whole breakfast was already set on the table. Saeran was waiting for you, offering you a seat like a gentleman.

"Good morning!" He smiles and bows. "Your seat, my lady."

"Good morning and thank you, sir!" You blush at his unusual joke, take your seat and realize your mistake. _What breakfast? This is a feast! And the table is so nicely arranged too, with the best tableware!_ There is even a beautiful flower vase at the center, with many different kinds of flowers, which completes the scenery with a colourful and pleasant atmosphere. "I'm sorry I'm late. I really got distracted. I'll cook breakfast tomorrow, I promise!"

"Don't worry." He says as he sits next to you. His face is so lit up now... He looks truly happy. "I like to cook for us. Besides, I always wake up before you, sleeping beauty."

"That's not true!" You blush again at the compliment. "I helped you last... month, I think?" You smile avoiding his bright minty eyes. Well, you guess he is right, he always wake up before you.

"Last month?" Saeran looks at you with a strange expression.

"Yeah, I think it was when I actually did not sleep at all watching movies with Saeyoung."

As soon as you stop talking, Saeran drops his silverware over the plate, making a loud and unpleasant sound. He then keeps staring at you as if you just said something horrible. You don't know what to do.

"What... What did you say?" He manages to speak while half standing, half holding onto his chair.

_Was it because I mentioned Saeyoung's name?_ Saeran started acting like another person now. His face became the one you're used to see during some of his outbursts, contorted with agony. You try to manage it as best as you can, despite not knowing what caused it. "I just said I did wake up before you once--"

"No. You said..." He's fully standing now, and watching you carefully, as if you're about to attack him. You feel the need to reassure him that everything is fine, as you often did for the past year.

"Hey, Saeran. It's alright." You also stand, very slowly. "No one is going to hurt you, okay?"

"What? What did you call me?" He looks completely lost now. But at least somewhat more approachable. You take a step forward then.

"Do you want me to call Saeyoung for you? I'm sure he wouldn't--"

"Oh, God..." He steps forward and embraces you tightly. Planting gentle kisses over your head. "You're having an episode again."

"What the fuck, Saeran?" _When did he become so touchy?_ You push him away and stare at him with your arms as a protection between you two. "You're the one having an attack now!"

"Let's... Let's calm down first." His face is a lot more calmer now. But it only infuriates you! Why is he treating you like a maniac? "Breath in and out."

"I'm not having an episode, Saeran. Why are you doing this?" You laugh desperately. "I'm really fine! You're the crazy one--"

He closes his eyes and takes a few steps back.

"I... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." _Damn, I really crossed the line..._

"I know. That's... It's fine." He gives you a sad smile and you know it is not fine. Surprisingly, he's dealing with this situation better than you. _And that is a great progress. Saeyoung would be so proud._ Which reminds you...

"Where is Saeyoung, by the way? Why is he not having breakfast with us?" He closes his eyes, and sighs loudly. _It seems his brother is really the problem._ "He... He left the bed so early. Do you think he's working at his office?"

"Shit... You really did not to take your medication again."

"Excuse me??"

Saeran turns around and fetches you a glass of water. You take it, not understanding what it means.

"I'll bring them for you. You wait here, ok?" He cups your face and kisses your forehead. It leaves you astonished. He sounds completely insane and you feel like a child who's being told to behave properly.

"Oh no... The meds!" You realize he's probably talking about the ones you saw earlier. You still need to ask Saeyoung about them before Saeran takes them. You leave the glass on the kitchen table and run around the house looking for Saeyoung. You guess he's probably at his old working station or his garage.

But he's not home. And his things... _Are gone? Something is definitely not right._ You manage to sneak into your bedroom and retrieve your phone. You tap on your husband's contact name and when you put your phone on your ear, Saeran calls your name from the doorway.

"There you are... I was looking for you. I thought I told you to wait for--" Suddenly his phone starts ringing and it interrupts his speech. He pulls it from his pocket and frowns. He rejects the call. "Why are you..? Oh..." He looks hurt again, and walks towards me, trying to take away my phone.

"Saeran, stop! You are having an attack, I'm calling Saeyoung--"

"No, you stop!" His voice is louder now and you take a few steps away, scared of what might come. "Please..." He doesn't scream this time, and got back his apparent self-control. "Give me your phone."

"I won't! You need help!"

"No, I don't need help. I am fine. But you, you need your medications." He offers you his hand. "Come, let's get your water--"

"No! What are you talking about? When did I ever take them?"

"Exactly, my love... You don't remember. That is why you need them and you need them now. Please--"

" _My love?_ " Now you can't deny there is something wrong with him. "Saeran. You're scaring me. Let me get your brother here and then we can talk, okay?"

Saeran sighs loudly and pinches the bridge of his nose. You've never seen him in this state... He looks disheveled and yet his composure seems under perfect control.

"Fine... Call him then." He gestures towards your phone.

"Thanks." You turn away from him and call Saeyoung again.

When you hear the third outgoing call sound, Saeran's phone starts ringing. You face him again.

"Do you want to see who is calling me?" He says with the most hurtful face you've ever seen him make. You only frown, not understanding what he meant by that.

When he shows you his phone, you see your name displaying on his screen.

He picks up the call and staring at you, repeats the words you're sick of hearing now. "Please... Just take your meds, my love."

You check again if you really dialed Saeyoung's or Saeran's number. It was really your husband's. You frown at this. _This is impossible... Why would Saeran be with Saeyoung's phone?_

You call Saeyoung again.

Saeran's phone rings again.

You repeat the same act for about three more times.

"This is impossible... What are you doing with his phone?"

"This is my--"

"Then what happens if I call you??" You then tap on Saeran's contact. Your hands are sweating by now.

His phone rings again.

"What... What is going on, Saeran?"

He holds you carefully. You do feel like you're about to break in a million pieces. He helps you sit down on the mattress.

"We don't have to talk about it... Just take these. You need them."

"I don't want any drugs! I want Saeyoung! Where is my husband? Where is your brother, Saeran?" You scream and your tears start flowing painfully.

"I-I don't know."

"You... don't know?" You look at his face and your blurred vision almost tricked you into believing it was your husband in front of you. You're sure it's because of the same vibrant red hair they share... "Then let's look for him, Saeran! He just left this morning, I'm sure we can--" You stand up in a swift move and run towards the door.

"Stop!" He catches your arm before you cross the doorway. "I... We already did."

"We did?"

He nods.

_That's it, then! This is another nightmare!_ You free yourself from his hold and take a step back. You pinch yourself, it hurts. You try to reason with him once again.

"Saeran, you are not making any sense today. This is either not real or it must be a prank you and your brother are playing on me, right?" He shakes his head sideways and closes his eyes as if every word of yours is saddening him more and more.

You look at the object in your hands and remember there is another way to prove whether this is reality or not.

"I'm contacting the RFA members then! Surely one of them must know where Saeyoung is."

Despite Saeran's protests, you enter the RFA app and... There is no chat room open. And there hasn't been one for a few months. That's very weird, because you remember just yesterday you had one. Although you can't remember what about exactly now.

Saeran leaves your side and you go back into the bedroom to sit on your bed again. Since there is no chat room, you decide to call them. You start with Yoosung. He's the closest to Saeyoung, so chances are higher to find your husband through him.

After a few minutes trying, his phone is either out of reach or he is too busy to answer you... _That's unusual. Could he be in class?_ You look at the doorway and Saeran is holding the glass of water with one hand and, with the other, one of those bottles of meds.

"Yoosung can't pick up now, my love. The military only allows--"

"Stop calling me that!" You shoot him a disapproving look.

"I'm sorry." He looks at his feet like a kid who got scolded by a parent. "It's just... Our habit..."

" _Our habit?_ " What is that supposed to mean? He is definitely insane, and you want your husband here. "Nevermind... I need to find Saeyoung."

_Wait. Did he just say military? When did Yoosung start his military service??_ You look at him, but he's just going to try and force those drugs in you. So you go to your next option. Since Jumin and Jaehee are probably the other two busy people in the group, it leaves you with Zen. Thankfully, he picks up right away.

"Good morning, Zen!"

"Good morning, babe! It's been a long time! How you doing?"

_It has?_

"I'm good! And you?"

"Just fine. I miss you! We haven't seen each other since my birthday!"

_When?_

"Thanks, Zen. I miss you too... But we saw each other last month, on the twins birthday, remember?"

"...What? Are you kidding me??"

"Kidding you? No!" You laugh a little at his extremely overreacted surprise. "But listen, that's not why I called. I was wondering... Have you heard anything from Saeyoung since yesterday by any chance?"

There was a sound of something falling coming from the other side of the line before he answered.

"What... What do you mean, babe?"

"Well, you see... He left this morning, and Saeran and I cannot contact him. I was--"

"Oh, babe... You're having an episode again? Just... Listen to Saeran, okay?"

"What?! Zen, I--"

"I promise to visit you later!"

"No, but--"

"I... I need to go now. Take your medications like a good girl for me, okay babe?"

"ZEN, NO--"

The call ended before you could finish.

You pull the phone away from you ear, and your hand falls on your laps. You feel the stinging pain behind your eyes, tears threatening to fall again. You've never felt more lost. If you were a hacker like Saeyoung, maybe you could trace him...

_Wait, that's it!_

"Saeran, why didn't we think about it before?! We should just use--"

"My skills?" He says while he walks towards the bed. "Like I said, we already tried."

"What do you mean we tried? He just left this morning. We did nothing!"

He sits next to you and gives you the glass of water. You accept it unwillingly.

"I'll tell you the story, then."

"The story?"

"But you have to take them first." He offers you the pills now.

"What... What exactly are these?"

"You'll feel better, I promise."

You look at the white pills on his hand and then at the minty eyes on his face. Should you trust them? But how will you know what happened to your husband if you do not?

"Will you tell me about Saeyoung then?"

"Yes."

You then look at his red hair... The single thing that is giving you courage and any sense of tranquility in the madness that this morning is proving to be.

Hesitating and shaking just a little, you take the pills with your free hand and swallow them with a few gulps of water. They leave a terrible aftertaste in your mouth, and it shows in your face. Saeran tries to soothe the bad experience away by rubbing your arms slowly.

"There." You give him back the glass, with almost no liquid inside, and show him your empty mouth. That reminds you of him. "I feel like I exchanged places with you."

He chuckles and takes a different bottle out of his pocket. "I'm still taking my own until today."

"Oh... I did not mean--"

"Don't worry... It's nothing to be ashamed of. We all need to accept help when we need it."

"Yes, I know." At least you knew regarding everyone else's problem... "But why would _I_ need help, Saeran?"

"Well, that's... A long--"

"Oh, just say it!"

Instead, he stands and puts the glass on the bedside table, along with the two bottles. "I think you will want to lay down."

"Huh? And why is that?"

"The side effects. It will make you dizzy in a few moments. You have barely eaten any breakfast, you always say it's worse when you have nothing in your stomach..."

You sigh loudly and do as he says. If that is what it will take for him to tell you about Saeyoung, you do it. He checks if you're laying "accordingly", or something like that. After a few adjustments in your posture, you lose your patience.

"For God's sake! I am perfectly comfortable and laying properly! Now will you just tell me, Saeran??"

"Ah... Yes. Sorry." He sits beside you, on the edge of the bed, like he's nursing you. "How... How long do you think it's been since we destroyed Mint Eye?"

"What do you mean?" _What a ridiculous question._ "Of course it's been a year, Saeran."

"I see..." He stares into his hands for a while and closes his eyes. "So this is where you woke up today..."

"What do you mean?"

He picks up both your phones and lights up the screens. The date on both of them tells you otherwise.

"Four years?! No, it can't be!" You sit up and Saeran tries to lay you down once again. "But I remember everything as if they happened--"

"Yes, I know." Saeran tries to calm you down as much as possible. Clearly, it is not working.

"How is it possible? I wouldn't just forget years of my life!"

"You... you developed a disorder."

"A disorder?"

He only nods.

"But I... I was fine! How did it happen? Did I hit my head or something?"

"No. Something... happened." He turns away from you.

"Okay... What was it?" This is getting on your nerves. "Just say it!"

"It was... Saeyoung." He keeps his eyes anywhere but you. "He left."

"Left? What do you mean? He left me?" Your heartbeats increase exponentially waiting for an explanation. At the same time, you feel your body is also weakening.

"He left us and disappeared." Saeran confesses, still not looking at you.

"Dis-Disappeared...? How??"

"We searched for months, but--"

"But... But why? I don't understand! Why would he leave us?" You try and look for reliable reasons, but none of them make any sense. There is no way Saeyoung would do this to you. _Not after all the promises we made to each other... Or the ones he made to his brother!_

"He..." Saeran hesitates, looking at his hands that are tightly pressed together. "He went willingly. There was nothing we could do."

You lay back down as you start to feel the dizziness Saeran mentioned. Noticing it, he finally faces you and helps you accommodate again. You keep repeating his words inside your mind... That's when a thousand memories from the past years hit you at once, and you don't know what hurts more: your head or your heart.

"I'm sorry..." His gentle hands are on your face again. You notice his face is wet. "I shouldn't have said anything about him! I'm so sorry!"

You take his hands on yours and nod, as to reassure him that you did want to know. You feel like that stupid drug is taking all your strength away... 

"Saeyoung!" You try to scream his name, half-dreaming already, but you don't feel it came out as more than a whisper.

"I will be here when you wake up, my love." You can hear him say it, but you can barely keep your eyes open any longer.

You lost track of time again after that. But you could swear some time during your drug-induced sleep, you felt someone laying beside you and kissing your forehead tenderly. You hoped for the life of you that it would be your husband that got back home, found you in this state and did not want to wake you up just to tell you he had returned.

What are you even thinking? It was obviously him... The smell coming from his pillow, the one which Saeran left you to fall asleep on, was the same smell emanating from the person laying beside you.

Why wouldn't it be Saeyoung?

When you really woke up, a few hours later, you remembered that after all these years trapped inside this living hell, you knew perfectly well who that person was.

How could it be Saeyoung?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you noticed, in this story, MC/you/reader only lived through Seven's "true ending" since the release of the app (July 8th 2016). This takes place in the present, July 2020, so it's four years after your "supposed Happily Ever After" with Seven. I just changed the happy ending part... At least with our dear husband Saeyoung, I'm so sorry!
> 
> Anyway, I guess this is my "four year anniversary gift" to the fandom (well, it's still July, so it still counts?).
> 
> Happy birthday, Mystic Messenger! And thank you Cheritz for these amazing four years, I wish you many more to come!  
> (also, i love you, but please just give us Saeran's after ending!!)


	2. Four Years After

You stir under the multiple layers of sheets. Feeling too hot, you open your eyes and free yourself from them. You turn to your right side, where _he_ was just a few moments ago... _Of course_ , you realize, _I'm still not over it_. You slowly place your hands over your chest, where you can feel your heart aching. _And I think I never will_. Although this house is a bunker and there are no windows here, you know it's probably late morning, according to your sleeping schedule. You keep staring at the darkness of the room for a few more minutes, until you decide to see for exactly how long you slept today.

Before you could reach your phone, it lightens up the bedroom from the bedside table on your left side. It surprises you that it went on just before you decided to take it. You turn the bedside lamp on, not wanting to keep staying in the dark. You see it's an incoming call. You always have it on silent mode these days, so there is no sound to disturb you. Then you read the name _Han Jumin_ on the screen. _I can guess what he's calling for._ You hesitate for a second, then pick up without saying any word. Jumin starts talking in his usual worried tone.

"It's me. I heard you did not take your medications again. I know you don't want to talk to me, but I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."

"I am fine, Jumin. I just... forgot it, that's all. But I'm all better now, thanks for worrying."

You hate to admit it, but you do not mind lying to him... You just wish he believed in your lies.

"You don't need to thank me for that. I know you don't like it, but it's still my responsibility. Therefore, I am fairly concerned with your current condition. Like I said, I would call you if necessary."

_Oh, not this again..._ You roll your eyes and prepare yourself for his speech.

"Do not misunderstand me, MC, I do not blame you. I know of your sickness and I know how it affects you. That is exactly why you are not supposed to be alone. But the person who should be taking care of you is definitely not suited for the job..."

_Here we go._ "Jumin--" You try to interrupt him, without any success.

"...which is another aggravating factor for your mental illness. I cannot allow this to go on any further. It's been almost a year already, and this is only worsening--"

"Jumin, please stop!" You don't shout, but the rage in your voice is enough to make him go quiet. You take a deep breath and continue. "I know what you're trying to say and it won't work, okay?"

"But you need to--"

"Just... Let me finish, please." You insist and hear his wordless agreement. You close your eyes... It feels like he's in front of you, making those stupid pleading eyes. "Like I said already, thank you for worrying, but I have everything under control here. I am fine and you don't need to treat me as a responsibility anymore, remember?"

"MC, I am also doing it because you are my friend and I care about you. Zen messaged Assistant Kang. She told me about you. I was worried, so I had to call."

"I..." _This is always his excuse..._ "I appreciate it, Jumin. I truly do, but..."

"Then will you let me help you? I know the best therapists, they can surely--"

"No! Jumin..." You sigh loudly. "We are done, okay? Thank you, I mean it. But I... Saeran and I are fine."

"Except you are not, MC. I gave you and Saeran all this time and the current situation is doing you more harm than good." He takes a deep breath this time. "I already had my doubts before. Whenever I saw the two of you together, I could tell something was rather... Odd." Jumin took longer than usual thinking about the last word. And when you heard it, you went pale. _It's impossible, he couldn't--_ "And now your episodes have been happening more frequently..." He sighs. His voice is as stiff as ever, but only those who know Jumin for so long can tell what he is actually feeling behind his cold image. You do. And right now he sounds sad... and a little bit disappointed. "I don't believe in coincidences, MC. I highly doubt you can tell them apart anymore."

_How did he..? We've always been so careful about it..._ You try to remember every time you three were together and if you really gave out any sign--

"...an you?" _Oh... Jumin's still on the line._

"What?" You completely forgot about the call, too worried about what he just said.

"Can you still tell them apart?"

"Of course!" You say these words a little too fast. You recompose yourself and answer again. "Of course I can. I only forgot because I didn't take those drugs, you know that."

Jumin doesn't respond for a few moments, clearly seeing through another one of your lies.

"You should really reconsider my offer... Both of you, in fact. I'm certain he would also benefit a lot from it. I'm sure it upsets him to be treated as another person."

_Up-Upsets..?_

"Oh, look at the time. I need to go. My break is about to end and I have another call to make. Please... Take care." He ends the call without waiting for your reply.

You toss your phone on the bed and lay down staring at the ceiling... That was exhausting for a morning call. It made you think about things you did not want to... What does Jumin even know about your way of living, anyway? _Surely nothing..._ He wouldn't understand what it's like to be abandoned. To live with whatever was left. To become a ghost of what you once was. _No, he would never understand..._ So you will keep living however you know what's best. Because only those who have been through the same can truly understand you. And this person is living with you. And you are happy together. _Yes. That is enough..._

" _I'm sure it upsets him to be treated as another person._ " Your head repeats this horrible sentence in Jumin's voice.

_No! It cannot be. He is happy with me. He always says so!_ Your inner voice screams at yourself.

You bury your face in his pillow. You feel the scent of the shampoo you are used to smell ever since you met him-- _Saeyoung_ at Rika's apartment. But it also has a different fragrance. Something that is unique to a person... They could use the same shampoo, and yet, there was a pleasant body smell from each of them that spark in you distinct feelings. Saeyoung's made you feel like you were an angel from heaven that came to save him, like he so many times had told you. It made you feel safe, despite his efforts to tell you how dangerous he was. It made you feel like you were truly the love of his life, and only happiness awaited you. That no matter what you'd do, it felt like he would be there to hug and kiss you throughout the night.

_What a filthy lie..._

Saeran's smell, on the other hand, makes you feel like you are the most precious flower among so many beautiful others, like you were chosen and carefully arranged in a bouquet. It makes you feel like you matter, and deserve to be loved and cherished. It makes you feel like someone, somehow, understands your inner void and the pain it causes you. It makes you feel like you will never be abandoned...

_See, Jumin? I can tell them apart perfectly well!_

You reassure yourself... But could you, really?

You shake these thoughts away and try to stand up to finally fetch some breakfast. An uncomfortable dizziness is still here, whether because of the damn pills or the lack of food, or even both, you don't know. You enter the bathroom and see his used towel over the sink again. _They still have this in common, I guess..._ You finish your daily hygiene routine, and walk slowly towards the bedroom door, but stop as you hear his muffled voice. 

" _...to take her medicine and... but she is--_ " 

You open the door very carefully, trying not to make any sound. You put your head out on the hallway just enough to allow you to hear... _overhear_ his conversation.

"What??"

His scream echoes through the hallway, along with the harsh sound of the kitchen chair being dragged on the floor. 

"But I am taking care of her, Jumin! I just... I refuse to force her to do anything she does not want. If that is taking her medication everyday, then I--"

_So this is that "other call" Jumin was talking about._ They are into some heated argument already... You were about to imagine how Jumin would answer it when another shout comes from the kitchen.

"Do NOT mention this shithead ever again to me!"

_Oh no..._ You are sure who he is referring to. _Jumin shouldn't have..._ You could hear the heavy breathing from your room, and it is getting you worried. When you notice it, you are already halfway there. You watch him from the doorway and he does not seem to notice you. He is pinching his nose with his eyes closed, listening to whatever long lecture Jumin is giving him this time. He sighs loudly before answering.

"Don't! We are fine!"

The same answer as yours, but certainly more aggressive... You are sure Jumin made him the same offer. 

"I said we are fine! We don't need your help!"

Saeran not only finished the call, but you also notice him turning his phone off. Knowing him as well as you do, you bet he is probably avoiding incoming calls from the other RFA members too. He then throws the phone over the table, hitting the flower vase he picked for today's breakfast, scattering the flowers all around. _Such a waste..._

Still not noticing you, he walks towards the kitchen sink, and hold the edges of the counter with both his hands. You can see him trying to control his anger with deep breaths. _In... And out... In... And out..._ Exactly like you taught him all those years ago, when you had just moved in. Those years, when he was just Saeran, trying to overcome his past traumas. And you were just RFA's party coordinator and Saeyoung's wife. When you lived with a happy family...

" _I'm sure it upsets him to be treated as another person._ "

You feel your heart and head throb with pain and guilt. You want to go back to bed and cry yourself to sleep, but your strength is gone again. You're too exhausted to reach the door, so you you lean against the hallway wall and slide your back all the way to the floor.

"Great. This is just great... All I needed right now was a relapse because of that stupid call!" You hear his angry voice again. "He not even doubted my willpower to take care of her, but also had to mention that repulsive liar..."

You could feel his worst thoughts crippling into his conscious mind as he talked. _He needs his medication right now._ You know he should carry this one with him all the time for situations like this, and he usually has it inside his pockets. _Oh no..._ Too late you remembered: he left it on the bedside table, next to yours...

"MC?" He was running towards the bedroom, but approached you very slowly as soon as he spotted you sitting on the floor. "Why did you not call me if you were awake?"

You dared not look at him at your current state. You were crying too much now, and he would ask you all those questions... Holding your legs close to your chest, you do your best to hide your face in the space between them. He kneels beside you, waiting for an answer. But despite your efforts, your sniffling gives you away.

"Hey..." He puts an arm around you, pulls you closer to him, and tries to make you look at him. Seeing you like this makes him anxious, and almost makes him forget about his anger outburst. "What is wrong, my love?"

You only keep crying and crying... Those cursed words running through your mind." _I'm sure it upsets him to be treated as another person..._ " Why did Jumin have to call today and destroy your happiness??

"Just tell me something..." He rubs your back and arms, trying to soothe your pain away. "How can I help you?"

You finally look at him, with your eyes completely swollen and red, your face puffed from both sleeping and crying too much.

"I heard you talking with Jumin..." You say between sobs. He widens his eyes.

"I... You don't need to worry about--"

"He..." You interrupt him and take a deep breath, trying to continue without crying so much again. "He also called me."

"He did what?" Saeran looks for your phone.

"Forget it." You dry your tears. "He already said what he wanted."

"And who does he think he is to want anything, hm??" Saeran clenches his fists beside him. You knew his mind was being filled with a million thoughts, his anger about to overtake him completely. Even his voice had changed now. You looked scared when he questioned that and he sensed it. He tries to control it as best as he can when opening his mouth next, but it is clearly starting to become very difficult for him. "What exactly did he want?"

You do not answer. You know this version of him will never listen to you. You want to cry your eyes out again. You look away instead, and with your hand you point towards the bedroom. Saeran gets the message. He stomps out of your vision and into the room, sighing loudly. You can only hear as he takes the medicine, opens its bottle, picks a pill, and place it back inside his pockets. He swallows the drug without any water, for he had taken away your glass earlier.

"There." He is kneeling beside you again. "Done it. Now tell me everything."

"Can... Can we wait?" You try to get some distance from him, expecting he would not notice it. But you just make it worse.

"No waiting. And no escaping either!" In a swift move, he places one arm under yours and the other under your knees. He quickly stands up, lifting you up with him.

"Stop! Let me go!" His grip is too tight, you can't free yourself, as much as you try to.

"Come, let's go to our bed, my love." His face is a breath away from yours, and it's still not the one you're comfortable with. He carefully places you on the edge of the bed, and sits beside you. "Much more comfortable like this, don't you agree?" 

You only nod in response. He scares you, but you know deep down he would never hurt you. At least not like his past self would. _He really got better..._ You could only confirm that after all you've been through together.

"Now..." His mint eyes are all over your face. "Please tell me what that Han Jumin said."

Your body shakes just remembering those words...

"I... I don't want to." You look down to your hands, clasping them together.

"Come on." He takes your hands on his, brings them up to his lips and kisses your fingers. "You need to tell me. We need to be prepared if--"

"But I don't want to be prepared!" You scream into his face, your own fear turning into anger too.

"Then what do you expect me to do, huh?" He shouts back, directing his rage at you. "Should I just passively wait until the day they will drag us out of this damn house and keep us away from each other? Would you like to never see me again?? Is that what you'd like?"

Multiple tears leave your eyes after every word he shouts. You know he did not really mean them... But it still hurts. Your anger is not completely gone, but you can never win against this Saeran. You try to be strong for him. After a few sobs, you finally manage to whisper a sad "no".

"Then cooperate and just fucking tell me what that nosy asshole called you for! If we don't have much time, then we need to be prepared, do you understand?" You nod again. "It is useless to hide it from me. We need to work together here, damn it! I will never let anyone destroy what we have here! Do you hear me?? Never!"

He was breathless when he finished. His pupils so dilated, you could almost see the reflection of your pained face staring you back. For a few minutes, the two of you stay like this, watching each other, waiting for an answer that never comes... Until finally his face turned from ire to sadness. 

"Oh God... I'm sorry." He embraces you longingly. You knew Saeran's patterns as the back of your hands by now. He was slowly returning to his senses after the display of his insanity.

"I am so so sorry, my love." His regretful voice is muffled this time as he covers his face on the crook of your neck. You feel his own tears wetting your skin and shirt.

"It's ok." It's the only thing you manage to say.

"No, it's not." He kisses your forehead tenderly, finally back to his senses. "I promised I would become a better person and I... I don't think I have--"

"You have." You pull him closer and embrace him. "You are a better person. Better than you were."

"No, I should never--" 

"Look." You pull away and place your hands over his shoulders. You want to show him how seriously you mean this. "I'm probably not the best person to talk about the past, but we've been through a lot together already. I remember how you were before. And how you are now... it's a lot better." You give him a warm smile and a gentle squeeze on his shoulders. "You've made a lot of progress!"

He frowns and inspects you closer. He knows, and you do too, that this wouldn't be your normal reaction to this... He puts a hand over your forehead, as if checking for a fever.

"Are you really okay, my love?" He asks with a worried voice. "Did you... Did you take your medicine yesterday?"

"Yeah, I... I did." You look down to your hands. I did not want to, but I did take them... You keep this thought to yourself.

"You seem a little... different." He puts his hands over yours.

_This is all Jumin's fault!_ All you wanted was to forget those words and act normal again. But it turns out as the opposite as you expected. Because his remarks just couldn't leave you...

He keeps searching for answers in you, but he learned to never put too much pressure. Since you ignored, he also brushes it off. "Forget it. Let's have some breakfast. I'm sure you must be starving."

"Okay." You nod. He helps you stand and leads you to the kitchen.

You sit side by side, just like you're used to. Except today, you have your memories, so he's not just the old Saeran. And yet, you're not treating him like you always do either, no matter how badly you want it... You want to live with him the happy life you built in the past year. _It felt so perfect._ You felt so loved... _Even with all the ups and downs, it could not be possible that Jumin was right!_

"It just can't!!" You scream, hitting your fists on the table. It scares Saeran, who were just pouring some tea for you. He stops at once, and kneels beside you.

"Please..." He takes your hands on his. "Just tell me what's wrong."

"Then you tell me." You free yourself from him and dry the tears you didn't know were there until know. "Do you love me?"

"What? Of course I--"

"And are you happy living with me?"

"Yes, of course." Not hesitating, he keeps looking up at you with an expression that suggests you are asking the most obvious questions.

"I mean, are you really happy? With everything I put you through?"

He frowns and tilts his head this time, considering this one for a longer time. And it seems to be enough for you as an answer...

"Then he was right!" You push him with both your hands, he falls on his back on the floor and you walk away towards the living room.

You curl yourself up on the sofa, and you can't help but let yourself fall into a dark pit of sorrow and despair. Suddenly, you're taken back to those months right after Saeyoung had just left you and it felt like there was nothing worth living for... No, it probably feels worse now. For a lot of people, to be betrayed for a second time never happens. Once hurt, they never get to trust someone else ever again. But you... Oh, you did it. And now you get to regret your choice--

His warm body embraces you from behind. He touches his forehead on your shoulders. You keep sobbing, for you don't believe he's still there with you. He kisses your exposed neck when you don't make a sign of stopping any time soon.

"I truly am happy with you." He whispers on your ear. "I love you with all my heart and I don't ever want to leave you. I just did not know what you meant by that."

_Was Jumin wrong? Should I believe what I'm hearing now?_

"Please... Please, come back to me." He keeps holding you close. It comforts you a little... And you wish so hard you could trust him. "Come back, my love. I'm here. And I'll forever be here for you."

These words were the end of you. You turn around and throw your arms around his neck, recognizing him as your only true consolation. He embraces you tightly, making sure you receive the amount of both physical and emotional support you need. But you feel like it's never enough... You need him close to you more than ever. 

"I th-- I thought I'd lost you!" You cry loudly on his shoulders. "He said... He said you weren't happy... with me!"

"I see... So that's what he called you for." He gently pats both your head and back.

"He also told me to seek help... But I don't want any help!" You look at him and your vision is blurry. He dries your tears away very softly. "I don't want to lose you!"

"I know..." He smiles and cups your face.

"I don't want it! I swear--"

"I know, my love." He kisses your forehead as lovely as he always does, then looks straight back at you. "You don't have to do anything if you don't want it."

You stare back at him, finally feeling peaceful for the first time today. You close your eyes, relaxing your muscles. You bring your hands to his face, and feel the features you already have memorized... Then you go down to his neck... And go back up... To his hair. _Oh, his hair..._ You run your fingers through his head, exploring every part of it. You pull him closer, while also moving your face forwards. Your lips touch, and for a long moment you just appreciate the sensation of his lips over yours. And his red locks around your hands.

When you break the kiss, you don't open your eyes, only whisper a "Thank you".

"There is nothing to thank me for. I will always support you."

You nod, your eyes still closed.

"But..." _But?_ Now you look at him. "If you ever... If you decide you want help, I'm here. And... We can... do it without Jumin, anyway."

_What does it mean?_ Refusing to spoil the moment, you give him a half smile in response. He accepts it.

"Let's go back to breakfast?" You nod. He walks you into the kitchen for a second time today.

You felt a lot better. And knowing his feelings for you were so strong, gave you a peace of mind. Yet, his last comment did give you the impression that maybe something was off about his loyal devotion to you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my Saeran and Jumin in this story won't be too OOC. Just remember this is during 4 years of a lot of... things. We'll get there! Still, I hope I do them justice to how they feel after the Secret Endings.


	3. Tied by Our Memories

You stare at the bottle in your hands. You spin it like a toy, the pills rattle inside it. It's the only sound echoing in the bathroom. You lift them closer and read the drugs' name on one side. Spinning it again, and there's yours. You stop, closing your eyes while your fist also clenches around it. _Shit, I can't..._ You place the drugs on the cabinet and hold the edges of the bathroom sink with both your hands. Slowly, you open your eyes and take a deep breath. You force yourself to take a good look at the person in front of you. _Just do it, damn it! It wasn't so difficult before..._ Through the mirror, you slowly look down to that little thing again. You could swear it's calling you. You're trapped in this silent monologue.

For a couple of months now, every few days you find yourself in this same situation, questioning whether you should or shouldn't take them. _Well, obviously I should, otherwise I wouldn't have them._ But you do not want to. And weighing the pros and cons always makes sense for you. Today it's not any different. _Or maybe everyday it's been getting different..._

Today the cons are still the same as before. The main reason that you do not like these pills is because, first of all, you did not even ask for them. They were not welcomed like the sleeping pills were. Someday, some _old_ doctor just _ordered_ you to take them, so you've been doing it ever since and, honestly, you don't even know why anymore... _Okay, maybe I know why, I probably even looked like I actually needed them, but now I'm better, I don't forget things-- okay, maybe I still do, but it's not-- Anyway, the point is, I do not want them!_ You shake your head in front of the mirror, almost mad at yourself for missing the point.

The second reason why you don't like them is because you're sure they are responsible for your dizziness and laziness and all the extra sleeping. You recall you were not like that a year ago, before you started taking them, _so it's obviously these pills' fault_. And of course you did not visit any doctor to check if this is true or not. You weren't very friendly with doctors before and, after what happened, anything related to them you just kept avoiding. It was easier to accept this was the right medication for you. After all, it was prescribed by a fancy doctor, one of the best in the area, "a privilege of being friends with Mr. Chairman Han's son", a nurse from the hospital had told you. _If only they knew how I envied them for their normal lives..._

This is exactly what you believed these pills would give you. A normal life. And for some time, they actually did. Until... _Until it was not enough. Until you had to destroy everything you had and stop taking them!_ You point at your own reflex, like she is the one responsible for your current situation. _Why did you stop? We were happy!_ You knock your fists on the cabinet and the medicine falls to its side. You grab it again and lift it up next to your face, returning to the mirror.

"We know what the pros are." Your voice echoes and for a moment, it does feel like there are two of you talking. But you know you are alone in this bathroom.

If you don't take them, your symptoms are only going to get worse. You know it perfectly well... _This week I completely forgot the past three years._ You don't want to repeat last year's episode again, that would be too much... So you try to control how many days you go without them. You have used them correctly since your last episode, so today seems a good day to skip it. _But what if I forget too much?_ You cling to the little bottle with both your hands and bring it to your chest, as if it's a precious object. You look at yourself again and see your own pleading eyes. _Yes, I need to take them. Otherwise I'll keep being a burden for him, and he'll leave me agai--_

_"Can you still tell them apart?"_

_No, not this again!_

You turn away from the mirror, not able to see what you've become. You promised him a new life, but you know you did not really start anew... Every moment you share with him, you're aware of your ties to the past. They almost feel like physical chains binding you to your husband. Maybe it's just your messed up head, or maybe it's the wedding ring you still refuse to throw away. But certainly there is something that prevents you from moving forward once and for all... _I'm hurting him. I know I am._ And so, the only way you found to stop doing it was not taking these disgusting pills. _This way I can at least forget the present... Forget when today is... And even if it's only for a few hours, treat him like... Saeran._

This is you every day choice now. You take the drugs and you keep being a monster. You don't, and you become a burden, a sick little girl that needs to be protected, or a time bomb ready to explode any time, for you don't know when you'll be so ill you'll just forget who you are again... _Maybe that will be better. Maybe I should just--_

Three knocks on the door and you almost feel your soul leaving your body. With one hand you hold onto the cabinet, the other still holds the bottle of meds. "What... what is it?"

"Are you... okay in there? It's been over an hour." Saeran's voice is muffled by the door, but you can sense his concern.

"I'm... fine. I'm almost ready." _Or maybe not._

"It's alright... Take your time." _Always so considerate..._

You look through the mirror again. You just took a shower and are dressed to please him... You take off your robes to check the underwear you just put. You chose his favourite set: a dark red chemise, that held perfectly around your chest. The triangle cups that covers your breasts are actually not covering it at all. Although there are beautiful flowery appliques right beside your nipples, the fabrics are almost fishnet-like, so not able to hide anything. You turn around and see the thin straps of satin going from your shoulders, right until the middle of your lungs, where there is a finer horizontal strap. You turn around again and this strap is right under your breasts, with a pretty small lace between them. The fabric that cascades around your body covers until your mid-tight, but it's almost transparent so you can perfectly see your silhouette, and also the matching panties, with the same pattern as the one on your breasts. 

_Okay, everything seems in order._ You check your hair and your teeth one more time, even though you just brushed them. _Or, according to Saeran, an hour ago..._ You put your robe back on and you're ready to go. You were almost reaching out to the door knob, when you notice you have something in your hands. _What the fuck...? I completely forgot I was still holding this... Wait. This is the reason why I'm taking all this time to get out of here and I forgot? Oh, that's it._ You turn back to the cabinet, where you left a bottle of water. You open both bottles and pick the pills you need. You look at them one more time, hesitation almost getting the best of you... But you quickly put them in your mouth, followed by a single large gulp of water, avoiding the aftertaste. _I need to stop being a burden._ You store the bottles back on their places and check yourself once again in the mirror, turn around and leave.

Saeran was not in the bedroom anymore. You guessed he'd be waiting in bed... _Maybe I took too long._ You sit on the edge of your side then, waiting for him. After just a few minutes, you're just too anxious to be still, so you grab your phone from the bedside table and lean your back onto the headboard. You thought you could just spend some useless time watching cute and funny cat videos, but there was actually a notification. It was a message from Jaehee. An invitation, to be exact.

_Jaehee: Hello, MC. Zen told me you weren't well a few days ago. I hope you're feeling better today. I would like to know if you're interested in meeting us tomorrow for a coffee? It's my day off and Zen and I thought we should invite you... (7:23 p.m.)_

_I hope you accept it. I miss you. We all do. (7:24 p.m.)_

_Mister Han won't be there. (7:31 p.m.)_

You know what she means by "we all", and can't help but sigh loudly after reading it. _She knows that I know it, but insists on telling me this._ She also knows that you'd use Jumin as an excuse for not going. _Not actually an excuse, I still don't want to see him..._ You type a few refusals, but none of them feels right. You stop to think a little about it, when the bedroom door opens and you watch Saeran come into bed, sitting next to you.

"I'm sorry, I think I also got distracted..." He opens his left arm widely, a gesture for you to lay on his chest, the way you're used to.

"No problem..." You smile and do it as naturally as ever. "What were you doing?"

"Taking care of my garden... And reading about it. Would you like to--"

"Hm... maybe later." You did not do it on purpose, but you feel him stiff under your body, so you quickly change the subject. "Jaehee sent me a message earlier. An invitation. Coffee, tomorrow." You look up at his face to check his reaction. He looks indifferent.

"Will you go?"

You distance yourself from him and frowns. "What?"

"Well, she invited you, so you should go, right? Don't you miss your friends?" He looks okay, but you know this is not his usual self.

" _My_ friends? You mean our friends?" You gesture with your finger, pointing both at his chest and yours. He looks away and doesn't say anything, so you continue. "Okay, listen. I wasn't thinking about going. But if I go, then you should too. When did we ever start doing things separately?"

"Do you really think this is a good idea?" He shots you a cold gaze and crosses his arms. You don't like when he closes himself like this.

"What do you mean?"

"Try and remember what happened last time we were all together." You kept staring at him, not saying anything. You know what he means... Zen's birthday party. "Don't you think that maybe we gave it away too much? That maybe it was because of that that Jumin--"

"I get it. But I was drunk back then. And Jaehee said Jumin won't be there tomorrow, so..."

"So what?" He chuckles. "They are his friends too. Don't you think he's told them already?"

You look down to your hands as you press them together. After you calmed down that day, you told him everything Jumin said in that call and the fact that maybe he has figured your relationship out. But now you kind of regret it... You forgot how meticulously careful Saeran was with this. Since he told you it was better to hide what you have together, he was always the most dedicated to make it work. And then in just one night, you destroyed it. _Maybe Jumin is right... I only upset him._ Tears fall down to your hands and you sniff.

"Oh, come on. What are you thinking now?" He reaches your face and makes you look at him. "I didn't mean to make you cry, I'm sorry." He gently runs his thumb over your cheeks and kisses your forehead.

"I'm sorry..." You close your eyes and a few more tears leave your eyes. _When will I stop being a burden?_

"There is nothing to be sorry about. I just... I think you should go alone this time. I will take you there and you have fun fun with them. I'll be waiting for you here. You call me and I'll pick you up right away, okay?" He keeps rubbing your cheeks while watching you with his warming smile on.

You nod after debating with yourself if this is really the right option. Then you finally answer Jaehee.

_MC: Hey Jaehee! Yeah, I'm better. Thanks for worrying. (10:53 p.m.)_

_I miss you and Zen too. Let's meet then! Same place, same time? (10:53 p.m.)_

Not waiting for an answer, expecting Jaehee would be sleeping already, you put your phone back on the bedside table.

"Come. Let's lay down." His voice is a lot calmer now.

You both lay sideways, facing each other. He gently takes a strand of your hair and places behind your ear, cups your face and caresses your cheek with his thumb again. You close your eyes and for a few minutes, just enjoy his tender touch.

"Please, forgive me--" Saeran breaks the silence with his rough voice.

"Don't." You cut his apologies without looking at him.

"But I--"

"Shh." You interrupt him one more time and he finally stops talking.

You bring his hand from your cheek to your lips. You kiss it over and over, to prove he is really here in front of you. And the he won't go away... Saeran pulls you closer and it makes you involuntarily cling to his shirt. He embraces you just as tightly. He plants a kiss on your head, knowing it would calm you. He also knows what else you want to hear...

"I will never _ever_ leave you, my love."

These have been your favourite words... You smile with your face buried on his chest. You feel his unique smell you thought about a few days prior, and happiness invades you. You lift your face to see him, and he gives you a reassuring nod in return. You launch your arms around his neck.

"Do you promise me?" You ask with your face almost touching his.

Saeran rolls you over and places you under his body. He cups your face with both his hands this time.

"I promise you." His hot breath reaching your own lips.

You stare at him, so close to you. His features are illuminated by the bedside lamp, but the distance between you makes it impossible to appreciate his true beauty. The only thing you can truly see is the red hair you are so used to worship... You slowly run your fingers through his red locks, closing your eyes to fully experience the sensation. _It feels so good..._

When your hand falls on the back of his neck, you pull him closer to your face. When your lips touch, you quickly deepen the kiss. And his hot tongue dances with yours so naturally, your faces and hands move so in sync, it just proves how used you are to be this intimite with each other. When you entwine your legs around his hips, he suck and bite your lower lip. When you moan, his hair gets messier. Your hands never letting him go, as he reaches out to turn off the lights, a long established... _habit._

_"Can you still them apart?"_

These cursed words are replaced with the moans coming from your mouth as his hips start moving and you feel his erection teasing you. He was wearing pajamas, while your robe was completely out of the way of your lingerie already. The thin fabrics between your bodies only making you want to take it off sooner. But he doesn't let you do it. He pins both your arms on the bed above your head. Even with only the hallway light far from the bed, he can still see, or feel where every part of you is. He kisses your lips, then your jawline, then your neck, and when he finds your most sensible spot, he sucks and bites it _hard_. You moan loudly, and it causes a need for friction that is driving you insane.

"Ahh...please..." You plead, trying to bring his hips closer to yours.

"Not. Yet." He whispers on your ear with the hottest voice you've ever heard him make.

He slowly takes off your robe and pins your wrists above your head again with just one of his hands. All your fingers curl with anticipation, the darkness only adding to the suspense. He runs his warm hands on your belly, your waist and your tights, all under the transparent fabric of your chemise. He then places his hand on your breasts. You immediately feel his erection pulse above your panties when he finds out what you're wearing. _His favourite one._

"Oh, so you chose this set..." He says almost gritting his teeth. "I almost want to see you--"

"Don't." You nervously interrupt him.

He releases your wrists and cups your face with both his hands. He kisses you tenderly, yet at the same time it's still as hot as before.

"I said almost..." He whispers over your lips. "I would never ruin this."

You nod, knowing he really means it. He then continues worshipping your body, until you can finally forget who you are, and especially who he is...

You are both already naked, completely immersed in the pleasure of the moment. You are above him, his hands holding your waist in place as you are about to orgasm for the second time today. He can feel your erratic movements, so he runs his hands down to your clit. And then you can't control it as you did in the first time...

"Ahh, Saeyo--"

He immediately stops and sits up, making you stop as well and wonder if you hurt him. In a brusque movement, his tongue invades your mouth, desperately. Without breaking the kiss, he places his hands on your hips and guides you to keep moving. You hold onto his shoulders to steady yourself and keep up with the pace he's set. He sucks and bites your underlip and it sends you to the moon and back. He also moves with you, keeping a fast pace. You come fast, moaning into his mouth. A few thrusts later, he comes too, finally breaking the kiss and moaning next to your ear, then collapses on the bed. You follow him and lay your head on his sweaty slim chest. When you feel your breathing a little more stable, you decide to speak. You don't really want to, but feel the need to say what you became used to for the past few months.

"I won't leave you, my love."

He holds you tight and you feel his heartbeats increasing under your ear. "I won't ever ever leave you, my love." It was almost a whisper, but it sounded so loud for you, since you were basically hearing it from his lungs.

\--

_I recognize this place..._

_It's the hideout we stayed after rescuing Saeran!_

_Saeyoung and Vanderwood are getting things ready._

_Saeran is on the corner, despising his brother._

_This is breaking my heart._

_Then there's a knock on the door._

_Saeran opens it and it's... V??_

_He looks... terrible. I've never met him, but this is not how I pictured the powerful V. He looks in so much pain._

_Where are we now? Magenta? Mint Eye?_

_Oh... so this is the famous Rika. She really wasn't dead, huh?_

_And now she's going to accept us? What is that supposed to mean?_

_Saeran is so upset... Oh no._

_Saeyoung, please, no!_

_Please, you two, stop fighting!_

_A shot._

_But when I look at where it was suppose to hit, there is nothing. V is fine. He's smiling and well._

_And then I look at the two brothers..._

_And there is so much blood..._

_But who was shot?_

_There are too many people around them._

_I'm tied and can't come any closer._

_Get away from them! Let me see them!_

_But no shout comes from my mouth._

_There's too much blood on the floor now._

_I look again and no one is around them anymore._

_There is only an infinity ocean of red waves._

_Of his blood._

_And his hair._

_Then his golden eyes..._

_You've never seen them so dark, so lifeless--_

"...ke up! Please, wake up!"

"Sav--" You are back in your bed again. Saeran is holding your hand and looking at you with his preoccupied face. "What-- What happened?"

"You were screaming. I had to wake you up." He leaves you and grabs a glass of water from the other side of the bed. "Drink this."

You accept his offer, suddenly feeling your mouth very dry. Like you usually do after a nightmare. _He knows me so well..._

"Did I... Did I say something weird?"

"Not this time. You mostly screamed and said 'please save him'."

"It was... It was about that day again." You shiver just recalling it. Then you notice the difference between your dream and reality. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't--"

"It's ok. You can talk about it." He rubs your back and kisses your hand, not looking at you.

"No, it's... It's fine. Let's go back to sleep."

He frowns at your unusual behaviour. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm... I'm good now. Thank you, for always staying by my side."

He smiles and kisses your head. "Okay."

He takes the glass from your hands and places it back on his bedside table, turning off the lamp too. You curl up on his chest and he embraces you.

"Please, don't leave me." You whisper just before feeling yourself drifting off.

"I will never." He whispers back.

\--

You are parked right across the coffee shop you are suppose to meet your friends. You look at the entrance through the car's window, and then at the time on the car's dashboard. It's already ten minutes past the time you usually make the appointment with Jaehee. _What am I doing here?_ You unlock your phone and are ready to type a last minute excuse for how you could not make it--

Saeran stops your hands. "What do you think you're doing?"

You look at him, trembling in fear. "I don't think I can do it..." You look at the coffee shop again and there are many other people there, laughing and chatting. _Living a normal life._ It scares you so much.

"Why not?" He takes your phone from you.

"I..." You fidget with your own hands, trying to find a good excuse. But you know there is only one reason why you're not confident enough to leave this car. "What if... I make things worse again?"

"You won't." He looks away and rolls his eyes as if you just talked nonsense.

"How can you know? What if they ask something? What if I say more than--"

"For fuck's sake, MC. Relax! It's just coffee! Just pay attention to what you say, okay? If they ask about me, just change the subject, you'll be fine!" His shouting scares you, but he's still calm.

"You don't know that! Why can't you go with me?" You cling to his arm, the sudden needy side of you taking control of your acts. "Please, don't leave me alone!"

He freezes at the sudden contact at a public place, even though you're still inside the car. He cups your face with his free hand, trying to calm you. "I won't leave you, I promise... But please, stop. What if they see us again?"

You look up to his face and he's trying all he can to convince you of both his feelings for you and his worry about being found out by them. You get back to your sit and try to calm yourself down. _Breath in... Breath out... In... And out..._

"There won't be a minute that I will not be thinking about you." He grabs your hands and draws gentle circles on them. "And I will come as soon as you call me, I promise."

"Okay..." You try to convince yourself of this. You take one last deep breath and open the door.

You walk towards the entrance, and turn your eyes to the car one last time. He shows you his phone, meaning once again he'll be waiting for your call, and turns on the engine. You nod and sees the car going away. _This is it, I'm all alone now_. Today is the first time ever since you started living with him that you'll actually be without him. You hope he was right and you wouldn't say anything wrong or suspicious...

"Our lady is finally here!" Zen was the first one to spot you. "Come, sit." He adds another seat for you on the round high table, between him and Jaehee. Although they were your friends, you haven't seen them in months, so it felt a little intimidating.

"How have you been, MC?" Jaehee is the first to ask about you.

"I'm... fine, I think." You don't look at them, instead focusing on the menu on your hands. You have it memorised, of course, but you still don't want to talk about--

"How about your relapse? How did it happen?" _Zen..._

"Yeah..." You chuckle a little, feeling very suffocated now. "I don't really remember. But I think... I might have forgotten a pill some of these days, nothing big. Excuse me, I'll place my order, be right back!"

You practically run to the counter and ask your favourite drink. You wish there were a ton of people in front of you, just so you could avoid them for a little more time. But today was still a weekday, so it wasn't that crowded. You spent less than ten minutes to order and wait for your drink to get ready, and then you were already going back to your friends. _Sometimes I hate the agility of this country._ You sit again and they smile at you, and you back at them.

"So..." Jaehee cleans her throat. "Are you taking your medications as instructed now?"

"I am, I just forgot." You're glad they can't see your lies like Jumin can.

"That's good..." Jaehee says and exchanges a glance with Zen. You don't know what she meant until he starts talking.

"How about... Therapy? Have you ever thought about starting it?" _He's clearly saying it as a rehearsed line._

"Hm..." You pretend to think about. "I don't think I need it, I'm fine, really." Then put on a fake smile for him.

"Oh, come on, babe." _Now that's the natural Zen._ "You know only those meds are not the cure for--" 

"It's okay even if you're fine, MC." Jaehee interrupts him, noticing his poor arguments. "Everyone can start therapy, even if they don't have anything..."

"Did Jumin asked you to persuade me?" You shoot them a threatening look.

"Woah, not from my part." Zen lifts his hands, defending himself. "That trust fund kid don't need to ask me anything! I just really care about you." 

"Yeah, it is our sincere wishes for you to get better, MC." Jaehee reaches for your hand. "Although... Mr. Han is honestly concerned about you too."

"You know I don't care." You roll your eyes. "And he doesn't need to. Everything is under control." You look down to your drink and feel your stomach turns.

Jaehee nods and has nothing to add, freeing you of her warm touch.

"Ok, I was waiting to tell this on the right moment, and I think now is a good time to change the subject for something brighter." You and Jaehee look at Zen confused. "I'm getting invited by so many new directors for their new shows, it's been too hard to keep up!"

"Wow, Zen!! That's amazing!" You hug him sideways.

"Congratulations, Zen! You more than deserve it." Jaehee says with her bright eyes. "I can't wait to see you on stage again!"

"Yeah, it's amazing, right? Last year's show was really a hit."

"It really was..." You remember the opening night you went to see him, and it was one of the happiest moments of your life--

"How about you, Jaehee?" Zen asks her, concerned. "I hope your monster-boss really stopped making you work weird hours?"

"Oh... You know Mr. Han. It's the usual. But at least he gives me more day offs, when I can see my best friends I miss dearly." She looks at you, making sure you're keeping up with the conversation.

"Yeah, it really is good." You smile, a little awkwardly. Jaehee is too caring...

The topics they chose to talk about after that were very easy to deal with, so time passed much faster for the three of you. When you noticed it, it was almost night time, and each of them had things to do. You were already at the door and about to call Saeran when Jaehee called your name.

"The sun is about to set... Mr. Han asked me to prepare a car for you, since you live so far."

"No! That's okay, I'll call Saeran--"

"It's already waiting for you, over there." She pointed towards a fancy black car not so far away from where you stood. "Besides, Saeran will take at least half an hour to get here, won't he? I don't want to leave you alone--"

"I could wai--" Zen is interrupted by Jaehee's elbow on his ribs. He then looked at her very annoyed. _At least I can count on Zen for team Saeran._ You suppress a laugh.

"Jaehee, you know I don't like to accept Jumin's offers..."

"I know..." She looks at you like a lost puppy. "But he really insisted. Please... It'll be just like a common taxi."

You looked at the car and then at Jaehee again. You were the one with puppy eyes now.

"Right, perhaps a fancy taxi... But it's just a drive home, certainly you don't need to bother Saeran for that."

You think it over and over. _It'll be really just like getting a taxi, huh? So it'll be harmless..._

"Fine... But that's only because you're asking!" _I just don't want them to think I depend on Saeran too much..._

"Thank you! I do feel a little more relieved that you'll arrive safely at home this way." Jaehee says with a big smile on her face and hugs you. "Take care of yourself, please."

"You too." You say while embracing her.

"Bye, babe! Don't forget to take your meds and eat well!" Zen hugs you and then kisses your hands, like a real prince charming.

"Thanks, Zen. You take care of yourself too!"

"Always!" He winks in a way that would make any of his fangirls melt.

You watch them walk away and when you turn around, that car is right in front of you. All the windows are pitch black and, for a moment, you feel like you're getting yourself in one of those movie traps. _A lonely girl, getting inside a suspicious black car at night, never to be seen again... Yeah, I could really be kidnapped right now._ You hesitate for a moment, questioning your life decisions. _If I do get kidnapped, at least my husb-- my boyfriend is a hacker._ You then remember how easily you fell for his trick to "help him find the owner of the phone". _I'm really too innocent for my own good._ You shake the memories away, knowing they would probably bring you bad ones soon. You open the door and since it's already getting dark outside, you can't see anything inside either, you get in anyway. As soon as you close the door, the car starts moving.

"I see Zen is still--"

"Oh my fucking God!" You jump out of your sit at Jumin's voice coming from your left side. You finally look at the seat you thought was empty. Almost no light coming through the black windows to show you his face, and since he's wearing a dark suit, like usual, you would never see him there. "You scared me!"

"I'm sorry. It was not my intention." He turns on the interior roof light. _Great, I wasn't kidnapped, but the situation now is even worse..._ You wonder if Jaehee knew about this. "You wouldn't accept any invitation of mine, so I personally arranged this--"

"So you tricked me, like you always do." _It's been four months since we last saw each other, you're still the same._ You turn away from him, not being able to face his piercing grey eyes. "We have nothing to talk about."

"We do." He insists with his stern voice.

"I won't hear anything." You keep staring at the outside world on your right side, moving fast.

"You need help... And so does Saeran. You know I can provide all the means." He sighs. "I know you don't think it's my responsibility, but I honestly want to do it because I care--"

"Jumin!" You turn yourself to him again, searching for his face. He's looking at you the same way he did when you told him you didn't want anymore of his help. _That's it!_ "Did we not make an agreement last year?"

"That's exactly why I'm here. Do you not remember my part of the agreement?" You frown at his words. _Of course I do, but I'm not--_ "If you were ever in danger or suffering, I would--"

"But I'm neither of those things! I'm safe and more than happy, thank you."

He stares into your eyes and suddenly you feel completely naked, like your soul is being exposed to him... Only a few seconds pass, but it feels like hours. There is nothing around you, no big city sounds, no street lights, no traffic, no fancy car taking you home. Just the two of you staring into each other.

"Your happiness is fake." He says with the most cold tone you ever heard him use, his look is the one he shows to any of those he meets on his ocasional business. It feels like all the intimacy you developed during those years together never existed. You feel betrayed by him a second time... You want to slap him in the face right here and now, but you take a deep breath and answer him with words instead.

"And does Mr. wisdom, Han Jumin, know anything about happiness, hm?"

He keeps staring at you for a long time. _I win..._ Then you see the right corner of his thin lips form a ridiculous and handsome grim on his face, while his eyebrows are slightly frowned.

"Perhaps I really know nothing about it..." You're so close to each other, his warm breath brushes your lips. You barely detect the scent of a fine wine along with his freshly brushed teeth. _The smell I felt those mornings._ You can also sense his distinct cologne. _He's so close, I could--_ "But I do know a lot about faking it."

You widen your eyes, not exactly comprehending what he meant. He leans back on his sit and you also turn your back to him, returning to watch the moving streets. For a moment, you wonder if he made a confession... _Did he mean he never experienced true happiness and only learned how to fake it his whole life?_ If that is the case, you kind of regret saying what you just said. You know only a little of Jumin's private life. Besides V, Jumin never really talked about having good moments with anyone else. You know he missed their friendship a lot. Poor Jumin... You try to look at him, with only the corners of your eyes, and... _Shit, he's looking at me!_ You quickly turn your face to the window again.

Or maybe, _did he mean I'm faking my own happiness? How dare you, Jumin?? You know nothing of my life!_ You cross your arms around your chest and can't help but stay mad at him. _First that call, and now this? How many ways does he think he can ruin my life?_

_But if it's working, is he wrong?_

You shut your eyes with force, not wanting to think about this. You lean your head on the back-sit and try to think about anything else, but this. You pay attention to the car's engine and the movement it's making... Soon, you feel yourself dozing off... _How comfortable a fancy car is..._

You feel him moving strands of your hair away from your face. His warm hands brushing your cheeks, his steady breathing just above your face. "Hm... I need more sleep, my lov--"

"You can't, you're home."

You quickly open your eyes, remembering where you were before you fell asleep. But it's too late... You're leaning on his shoulder and just said the wrong thing. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

"I-I'm sorry. Thanks for the ride." You quickly get away from him and search for the door's handle. _Where is it??_

"So you really are..." You look at him, but he never finishes. He just stares at you, waiting for your confirmation.

"It's... It's none of your business!" When you finally find your way out, he puts his left hand over yours. You turn around and his face is once again an inch from yours, his arm almost pressing you like a seat-belt, his knee touching yours, while his chest is gently brushing your left arm.

"Just promise me you will consider therapy."

"I don't need to promise you any--"

"Even... Without my help." _His pleading eyes again..._ You try to take his hands out of the way, but his strength is far too greater than yours. "I do not want to lose another friend. Promise me." 

For the second time in four years since you met Jumin, you saw desperation in his eyes.

"Okay, I promise. But you have to leave us alone now!"

He nods and gives you a timid smile, you know him enough to say it's a sad one.

"I will..." He finally lets you open the door. "Take care."

"Yeah." You say already out of the car. You take one last look at him and say "you too" almost as a whisper. But he hears it. And that's when he shows you his honest smile. You close the door and walk towards the place called _home_. When you reach the gate, you notice you're also wearing your first sincere smile for the day...


	4. Your Choice

When you open the last door leading to the bunker, you see him pacing in the living room. Before you could open your mouth, he runs towards you with open arms, making you almost fall backwards, only being stopped by the door you just closed. You're speechless and even the rest of your body has no reaction. You just stand there like a statue, being tightly squeezed by his arms. Never would you imagine to be welcomed this way.

Minutes pass and neither of you say anything. He sinks his face on the crook of your neck, taking deep breaths, each time tightening his embrace around you, until you can no longer breath properly and decide to break it.

"I... Think... That's... Enough." You could swear you're about to pass out between each of these words.

He looses his arms around you, but doesn't let you go, then speaks with his low voice very closely to your ear. "You didn't call me. You didn't answer any of my calls..."

_Oh, shit._

"I'm sorry! You know I always have it on silent--"

He cups your face with both his hands and you finally see how afflicted he really is. His hair is completely dishevelled, his minty eyes enveloped by red veins, his pupils bigger than usual, and you can also feel his cold sweaty hands trembling while holding your cheeks. You grab his hands and walk him towards the sofa to try and calm him down. He doesn't take his eyes from you even for a moment.

"I thought... You had left me." His voice comes out a bit shaky as you sit next to each other.

"I'm so sorry..." You kiss his hands and try to warm them with yours as best as you can. You really didn't know it would cause him this much distress to go home by yourself. "You know I'd never leave you. I just thought it would be faster if I--"

"Faster? It's... It's almost midnight! Where have you been?!" Saeran is desperate for answers and still watches you with widened eyes.

"What??" You give him the same look in return. _It cannot be!_ You search for your phone and when you turn the screen on... _11:48 p.m._ "But that's... That's impossible!"

You stare at him, refusing to believe in reality once again. He frowns, as confused as you as you are. "Did you have another...?"

"No! I..." You clench your fists around your phone, fear running through your veins, your heartbeats so loud, _there's no way he's not hearing them as well_. "At least, I think I didn't..."

"Then what do you remember?"

"I was... I was about to call you, a few minutes past 7 p.m., when Jaehee told me--" _Wait_. You sit straight on the sofa, pondering how your trip back home should be mentioned. _How will he react once I--_

"Told you what?" You feel his demanding eyes fixed on you.

"She... She said..." You look down to the phone on your hands. _Maybe things would be different if I had just text him. If I just told him I was coming home..._ "There was a car waiting for me already."

"A car?" You feel him freeze beside you. "Did you just get inside a stranger's car?"

You look at him like he just insulted your intelligence. "Of course not! It was Jumin's--"

"Oh..." He sinks into the cushions, resting his head on the back of the sofa and staring at the ceiling. "Of course."

_Great._ You turn away from him again. _Not the way I wanted this to go at all._

"Then what? His stupid driver lost his way, taking four hours instead of one to find our home?"

"Well, that's... Maybe it was just the usual weekday traffic, but I don't know, I was--" When you turn to face him again, he's wearing the same expression you saw yesterday, when you mentioned Jaehee's message. The one that screams 'Whatever'. _And it hurts._ Just a minute ago, he was desperate, afraid of losing you. Now... You felt like crying, but turned away from him instead, facing forwards again.

"Was what? Surely, it would not take him three full extra hours, even with traffic...You were what? Do you not remem--"

"I know what happened!" You quickly jumped out of the sofa, with a silly smile on your face. _This is the only possible explanation._ As soon as you turn around, you see Saeran's knitted brows, which makes your smile instantly disappears. When your eyes meet his icy ones, narrowed at you, you don't want to explain anymore. _Maybe it would not make any difference if I had text him, he would be freaking out anyway..._

He stands up, closing the distance between you two. You feel the urge to take a step back, but control it. "Why are you not saying anything?" He tilts his head to one side.

"I-I just..." You look down to your feet, or the floor, you don't care, anywhere but his eyes. "I don't know if it took us one or four hours to here, I... fell asleep."

"Oh?" Very gently, he lifts your chin with his thumb and index finger, forcing you to look up at those eyes again. "So perhaps the driver did not get lost... His only mistake was to not wake you up?"

_I cannot lie to him..._ You hold his gaze for as long as you can. He seems calmer now, but you know deep inside he's having a million thoughts. When you do not answer, he releases your face, sighs and embraces you.

"Forget it." He kisses the top of your head. "I'm just relieved you're home."

You hug him back and lay your head over his beating heart. _He really is calmer now._ "Me... me too."

"Then let's get ready for bed, my love."

You nod, feeling yourself relaxing at his words alone.

_I can explain everything some other time..._

\--

The next morning, you leave the bedroom determined to talk to him about what happened in that car. _He deserves to know, why did I hide from him? I'm sure he'll understand, he always does..._ You open the door and walks towards the kitchen where breakfast awaits you. You're sure you'll find the perfect opportunity to bring this topic again. Especially because you also need to talk about your agreement with Jumin. And maybe this is the part that is making you feel actually nervous to talk about. _Will he accept it too?_ But when you reach your destination, Saeran is nowhere to be seen. There is only a perfect set table, as always. You take your sit and notice his food is not touched either. Should I wait--

Suddenly, there is a big bouquet of pink and purple flowers in front of you. "Good morning, my love." Saeran sneakily appears behind you.

"Oh my God, they are gorgeous!" You gently touch the edge of their petals and lean forward to feel their scent. _Not a strong smell, but the fresh soil scent is..._ "So fresh! You grow a wonderful garden!"

"Not as beautiful as you." You look up at him, now standing beside you, and his smile is captivating, you feel his happiness from your sit.

"You're making me blush!" You touch your cheeks and they really feel hot after his compliment.

"I am only stating the truth." He says as he arranges the flowers in the vase on the table, with an innocent smirk on his face. "Do you want to know about these flowers?"

"Sure!"

He takes his sit beside you and points to the purple ones. "These are called _Delphinium_. An ancient Greek physician once said they looked like dolphins..."

"They do?" _How...?_ This thought probably shows in your face, because he chuckles and pulls the vase closer.

"You see here?" He points to the purple petal's tip and you nod. "This is the dolphin's beak. And this..." He draws a dolphin with his hand on the rest of the petal. "...is its body."

"Ohh, now I see it! That's amazing!" You cover your mouth in awe.

"I knew you'd like it..." He can't stop smiling at you.

"I did!" _His smile is so pure, I could stare at it my whole life..._

"Uhm..." He feels a little embarrassed at your intense eye contact and looks away. "Wanna guess what's the name of the pink ones?"

"They look like sunflowers... Except they are pink?"

"Oh, they are from the same family. But these are gerberas. I picked the pink ones, but there are many different colors in my garden, including one very common, with white petals and the yellow--

"Daisies!" You interrupt him right away. "I knew I saw them up there!"

"That's right. You're getting very good at this!" He says with a surprised tone.

"I can learn a thing or two, but you're a pro! I'd never be able to make them look as lively as this..." You gesture towards the vase with both your hands, trying to convey how magnificent you think they are.

"Well, I... I wouldn't have done it without you." He takes your hands and you turn towards him, surprised. "Do you know what are these flowers' meanings?"

You think for a bit, trying to remember if he ever told you about them, but nothing comes to your mind. "I don't--"

"Pink gerberas mean grace and gratitude. And that's... What you mean in my life." He tightens the hold on your hands. "You... Brought beauty into it when I thought everything would be plain and boring. And for that... I'm eternally grateful."

You feel a sweet burning sensation around your eyes, knowing perfectly well you can't stop the incoming tears from falling. And you do expect them to. You want to keep looking at the person in front of you, with nothing to blur your eyesight. "And-and the other one?"

"The _Delphinium_..." He takes one small branch, with a few of its vivid purple flowers on it, and offers it with an extended arm. "This flower means a strong bond of love and affection. It's my promise to you. I'll always give you all my love. And I hope... I'm the one who will make you happy."

You accept the flowers with a shaky hand, while drying your tears with the other. It's been a few months since he first declared his love to you, but every time he does this sort of thing, you still react the same emotional way. _He never ceases to surprise me... And it's always in a good way._ He watches you absorb all his words with care. You take a deep breath before you feel you're ready to answer him.

"You always..." You sniff one last time. "Always know what to say to make me feel this way." You touch his face with your free hand and rub your thumb over his cheek. He widens his eyes, nervously waiting for your words. "You already make me happy, my love."

He closes his eyelids forcefully and lets out a sigh that you clearly recognize as a sign of disappointment. But in less than a second, he leans into your hand and nods. _Did I say something wrong?_

"Okay." He opens his eyes and takes your hands from his face, squeezing it tenderly. "Let's eat now."

As time passes, the atmosphere easily goes back to the lovely moment you just shared together. _I refuse to destroy it..._ The talk about Jumin is postponed once again.

After breakfast, Saeran said he had a few things to do on his garden and soon would be right back. You did not want to disturb him, so you waited for him, laying on the sofa. _I'll talk to him when he gets back._

An hour passes, while you spend it uselessly on your phone watching cat videos. _Still no sign of him._ You get tired of the internet and decide to read a book instead. _Maybe he's coming soon..._

You read a few chapters for probably another hour, but your attention is still on how you're going to tell him about what really happened yesterday. _And how is he going to respond to it? Maybe he's not going to like it. He was so confident about me, and I... I fucked up again!_

Your heartbeats increase exponentially, you quickly close the book and bring your hands to your chest. _What if he stops loving me after that? What if he kicks me out?_ You feel your throat blocking the air from reaching your lungs. You try desperately to breath, get some air into you, but it doesn't work. Then your arms go limp beside you. You barely recall the sound of something falling to the floor, just before you manage to curl up on the sofa and shut your eyes. _How do I stop this now?_ You open and close your mouth, but nothing seems to come in our out of it. You feel your consciousness leaving you...

But he stops it from happening. He grabs your arm before you fall into the deep dark pit of your misery. You open your eyes, and there it is. _Red..._ With your still heavy arms, you try to reach it. He notices your difficulty and helps you, leading your hand towards his head. When you touch it, you can finally feel your lungs and ears working normally again.

"...know! I'm really sorry! I should have come back earlier!" _Oh..._ You look down to his lips. _So he was talking._ "Please, breath slowly, the medication will work any minute now." _He gave me something?_

Breathing still makes your lungs burn a little, but you try anyway. You take your attention back to his vermilion wavy hair. _Has it always been this soft?_ You unconsciously tangle your other hand in his hair as well, and as you feel your strength coming back, you pull his face closer, his lips to yours--

He grabs your wrists when he notices what you're doing. "I... I'm seriously worried about you now."

That's when you actually listen to the voice coming out of the mouth you want to invade, noticing it sounds a bit off... You look up to the eyes in front of you, and they are also _not the right ones._ You take a deep breath and lower your gaze to your lap. Saeran frees your hands and sighs.

"I-I'm sorry..." _I don't want to hear you._ "Do you need anything? I can--"

You move your head sideways and curl up again, laying your head on the sofa's arm. You wanted to turn your back to him, but thought it would be too rude.

"Okay... I just picked some vegetables from the garden, I... I'll prepare them for lunch and come back. Call me if you feel anything again." He plants a long kiss on your forehead and leaves.

It doesn't take him much time to get back this time. He sits on the floor, watching over you, and neither of you feel like talking. He takes your hands on his and kisses them. His eyebrows are slightly frowned. He's trying his best to hide, but you know from experience that concern is written all over his face. _I guess it's only fair._ Ever since you moved back in, you never had an attack as bad as this one. _All because I thought I'd lose you..._ You look at his hands holding yours, and interlace your fingers around his as strong as you can, hoping this shows him how eager you are to stay by his side. His expression changes to arched eyebrows and widened eyes, surprised by your sudden movement, but when he sees your face, you think you manage to convey your feelings, as he relaxes and nods.

After an hour, just enjoying each other's company, he gets up. You don't feel like eating either, but he says you have to, so he helps you to the kitchen and you watch him cook. _Everything he does is with so much attention and care._ You feel like getting back to your daily self just by enjoying this moment.

Saeran made sure to use the freshest ingredients, revealing the reason for his absence this morning. You tried to help him cook, but he insisted you should only be treated for today, then promised you could help him tomorrow. He definitely turned them into a tasty meal, despite not having any appetite yourself. Still, you ate his delicious lunch. _Cooked with love, I can't deny it..._ With your humor almost completely restored, when he asked what do you wanted to do after eating, you chose to have a leisurely afternoon of watching TV together. He gladly accepted it.

Now you find yourself cuddle up together on the sofa, watching a random movie. With his chest under your body, you feel it move up and down, slowly. You move your ears closer to where his heart is, and hear its rhythm. You close your eyes, forgetting about what's going on the TV completely. All your world now is him. The flow of the air filling and emptying his lungs. The sound of his blood going in and out of his beating heart. _He is alive. And he is here. This is all that matters._

_What happened yesterday should be forgotten..._

\--

You thought you were living your dream life again. Just like when you moved back in. Everything you did together seemed to bring you that spark of joy you felt in the beginning. Neither you nor Saeran had any attacks or relapses the next days, and you partly blamed yourself for that, because now you were taking your medications as you are supposed to. You felt you achieved the 'promised normal life'. Although, there were some moments you still worried about. He did not tell you why, but sometimes you could see him making a sad smile or even sigh. Of course, whenever you asked him if something was wrong, he either said 'nothing', or quickly changed his expression to a more cheerful one. But these moments were so small compared to your precious happy times together, that you could not let yourself overthink about them.

Right now, you're about to make a _very pleasant_ memory together again. You check your phone for the time, and it's been a little more than ten minutes since he entered the bathroom for a quick shower. You told him he'd get all sweaty in a few minutes, but he said you were all dressed up and smelling as good as a fresh rose just for him, so he would like to be the same way for you. You kissed him and unwillingly let him go. _Now I have to waste my time until he gets ba--_

You got a new message.

_Jaehee: Hi, MC. I hope you've been well. I want to apologize for what happened last week, so please call me when you see this message. (9:12 p.m.)_

_No, I don't want to talk about that..._ You lock your phone and shut your eyelids trying to erase this message from your memory. _But Jaehee had nothing to do with that... Maybe if I tell her everything is okay, she'll just ignore it. Like I am._ Saeran would take a few more minutes to come out, so you do as she asked and call her.

"Hello? MC? How are you?" _She sounds so concerned, I need to reassure her that I'm fine._

"Hi, Jaehee! I'm... great! How about you?" You cringe at your own exaggerate tone.

"Well, I... I'm glad you're alright. I was actually very worried about you, but hearing you so cheerful, I'm relieved."

"Oh, you don't have to--"

"I am so sorry, MC! I only found out today. I truly am very sorry that you had to go through that. I really didn't know Mr. Har was in the car, I would never--"

"Jaehee, don't worry! I know you're innocent in this. That was just... Another one of his schemes to fool me..." You sigh, mindless fidgeting with the hem of your robe.

"Oh..." Jaehee seems to be surprised by your words. "I'm honoured by your trust, MC. Thanks for believing in me. I really had nothing to do with his actions that day." _I feel a 'but' incoming..._ "But you have to understand..." She sighs. "Mr. Han talked to me today. He told me what you talked about--"

_Oh no..._ You freeze at her words. "What exactly did he tell you?"

"MC, I'm sorry, but... He requested that I was to remind you of your promise today." She takes a deep breath and it makes your heartbeats increase with anxiousness while you await for her explanation. "When I was about to go home, he asked if I had any news from you. Of course, I had none. He then murmured to himself, but I heard perfectly clear that 'it had been a week already and nothing changed'. I questioned him about it. After reasoning with him, he explained to me that he was in that car a week ago, and also... about your agreement."

Your hands were sweating after every word of hers, wondering how exactly Jumin narrated your encounter. _Did he mention our argument? Or worse... Did he tell her about my mistake?_ You decide to not say anything, afraid of showing her how nervous you are.

"I told him Zen and I had talked to you about it already, but you know Mr. Han, he insisted I should still remind you about this... I am sorry, MC... Normally, I would just... " _I think this is the first time I ever see Jaehee so lost for words._ "This time, I just tried to understand his worry. I mean, we all are, but now he... You see, I have to agree with him..."

_Agree with him?? Shit. She knows. He told her._ Jaehee was fine when you met her last week, so you came to the conclusion that Jumin didn't spit out about your relationship with Saeran, unlike he assumed. _But today she's not acting the same way. She definitely knows._ Your already racing heart, starts pounding even faster now. You take off your robes from your upper body, feeling a little suffocated already. You stay silent, still not really knowing how to answer. There is an awkward silence between you two for a couple of minutes, until Jaehee decides to break it.

"I don't know if you already looked for something since last week and just did not had the time to tell us..." _I did not. I want to forget it!_ Your hands holding the phone on your ear starts shaking. "But if that's not the case, I hope you do soon. You know you'll have all our support throughout your treatment, don't you?"

_But I can't lose him!_ You want to scream, but you feel your throat closing in. Then you notice it's not just your hand, but your whole body that's shaking. Grasping for air again. You cannot answer her. You are feeling too much and nothing at all again. _If I tell her that, will they take me away from him?_ You hear Jaehee's voice, calling your name so distant from the other side of the line. You lay sideways on the mattress, pulling your legs closer to your chest and waiting for the hot tears to wash away your pain. The bathroom door opens and he rushes to your side.

"What happened??" You just look at the phone in your hands. "Hello?" With all your strength left, you reach for his shirt to stop him from hearing what she had to say. "I-I'm sorry, Jaehee. We can't talk now." He ends the call and places your phone aside.

You sit up and embrace him, sinking your face on the crook of his neck. He rubs your back, trying to soothe your sobs. In just a few minutes like this, you're soon feeling better. The end of that conversation and his mere presence are enough to calm you down. He gently puts some distance between your bodies, but still keeps them linked, holding your hands.

"Is there something bothering you?" He searches for answers in your eyes. You quickly avert them, not wanting him to want know the truth.

_But for how long can I hide it?_ You stare at yours intertwined fingers. "It wasn't the driver's fault. One week ago. It was... It was Jumin's." You look up to his eyes and see them widening.

"What?? I thought you said he wouldn't--"

"He wasn't at the coffee shop. You know I would never have stayed if he was there. But he... He was in the car." You lower your gaze to your joined hands again. "I only noticed when it was already moving. I couldn't escape... I'm sorry."

He pulls you close again and kisses your forehead. You lay your head on his shoulder and his arms surround you with his warming love. "Don't worry. It's past now... He won't come after us again." You feel him tensing up under you, but there's still the worst part to tell.

"I... I also... I think I made things worse again." He freezes. You cling to his shirt to avoid his eyes. He doesn't say anything, so you continue. "I may have... Somehow, when I woke up, I was leaning on his shoulder... I called him--"

"Please don't tell me you've mistaken him for--"

He does not finish. You don't say anything.

He pushes you away and gets up from the bed. With his back facing you, he runs his hands through his hair. _I truly fucked up this time, didn't I?_

"I-I'm so--" With tears threatening to spill from your eyes, you reach for him.

He sighs loudly and turns around. "What happened next? Did he threaten us?" He crosses his arms and his tone is almost as angry as the one he uses during his outbursts. _No, please, not now..._

"No, no! He didn't!" You almost shout in response, shaking your hands exaggeratedly in front of you as another negative answer. "He just made me promise I would consider therapy, I swear."

"Oh..." He sits next to you again, facing forwards. "Is that all?"

"Yes, that was wh--"

He turns to you and cups your face. "Then maybe we should." His face is so serious staring at yours, it surprises you. _Wait, did he say 'we'?_

"What? _We_ should?"

"Wasn't Jaehee's call about it? To check if you started it already?" You widen your eyes and nods. "Then... Maybe we should start soon."

You frown, confused at his words. That's totally not the reaction you had in mind when you had those terrible breakdowns... _Was I wrong about his opinion?_ You place your hands over his on your face and almost yell at him. "But I won't do it if it means losing you!"

He smirks, kisses the top of your head and brings you closer to his chest. "We'll find a way to solve this together." You close your eyes as his arms tightens around you.

It was a kind of shock for you that he'd be so welcoming to the idea of therapy. It almost sounded like... _Like he wanted to do it all along._ Which was something you definitely not expected. But if you would work this out together, then all your fears about it were gone. You wouldn't bear to lose him because of this. You were certain at this point that you needed him in your life to stay alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update this weekly, since that's basically what these chapters are: a summary of MC's week (so yeah, when she says "one week ago", it's literally one week ago from the day I posted this chapter).


	5. First Step Toward a Cure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: this is not in any way a realistic portrayal of psychological therapy or any specific mental disorder (which is why I'm not going to name whatever MC has, although I'm using many known symptoms of different disorders - all of them tagged). This is PURELY FICTIONAL, and if you don't like/feel comfortable with my writing, please don't read this.
> 
> Also, because the game is Korean, I decided to set this in South Korea. I have no idea how therapy works over there, so again, this is FICTIONAL. And don't worry, there are very little things referring to the Korean culture, you won't suddenly start saying Annyeonghaseyo~ (I can't deny some phrases would make more sense in Korean, but oh well...)

You wake up the next day with your body aching. He kissed your cheeks and told you should wait for him in bed, but you really needed to use the bathroom, so once he left, you tiptoed towards it. When you decided to inspect yourself through the mirror on your way back, you saw the results of your passionate lovemaking the previous night, mostly around your neck... _Will he repeat it this morning?_ You lay back on the mattress and cover yourself embarrassed by your thoughts. Grinning like a mischievous child, you remember all the places he touched you with his gentle fingers, his warm lips stroking you with intense desire--

"I'm back, my love!" He opens the bedroom door with his elbow, carrying a tray in his hands.

You try to hide your flushed cheeks with your hands. "Oh... Breakfast in bed?"

"I think you deserve it, after your... Lovely performance yesterday." You gasp and look at him surprised. His cheeks must be as flushed as yours now. _Why does he have to say such things?_

"T-thanks..." You move your eyes down to the tray he carefully placed next to you before also sitting beside you. "You really didn't need to--"

"I'd do anything for you." He rubs his thumb over your hot cheek then lifts your chin again. "Never forget that you're my one and only love."

You instantly remember when you saw other eyes and heard another voice say these words to you...

_"I'm the happiest person in the world now, you know that, right?"_

_"That's not true... You helped me not only become myself again, but also save my brother. How can I not be the happiest person with you by my side?"_

_The shiny golden irises are gone. Yet the crimson strands still remain._ "You too are my love..." you answer to the person in front of you.

After lunch, you decided to spend your afternoon reading a book on the sofa. It was one of your favourite genres, so you were really invested on it. When Saeran asked if he could sit next to you, you just nodded, not really paying much attention to this question. But when he placed his head on your lap, it startled you, making you stop and look at him. He asked you if he should go away, but you refused and said it was okay. _Maybe he's just feeling a little lonely_ , you concluded and resumed your reading.

You didn't know when exactly it started, but now you're running your fingers through his fluffy hair with your free hand, while holding your book with the other. The sensation of his warm steady breath brushing your tights, along with his resting hand on your knee, only added to the wonderful experience that was caressing his head, _just like patting a little child_. You wonder if he ever got to experience it when he was actually one. _But none of it matters now_... You shake these awful images away from your imagination. You promised yourself you'd make him happy from the day you met him at that apartment, and you would definitely try and keep--

"MC... When do you think we should search for therapy?" Saeran's voice interrupts your thoughts.

"I... I--"

"Sorry... You were reading. We can talk later." He looks up to your face and you down at his, bringing you back to the present.

"No, it's... It's okay. What did you say?"

"The... The therapy." He sits up next to you. "When do you think we should look it up?"

Right. That. "Uh..." You close the book and move your gaze away from Saeran, still a little ashamed to keep treating him like... _him._ "I still haven't thought about it." _It's not entirely a lie._

"I see..." He looks down to his hands and you feel he still wants to talk about it.

"Do you have something in mind?"

"Yeah... I thought maybe Yoosung could help. I remember he said he was taking some psychology classes during his summer break a few years ago."

"He did?" You tilt your head, not remembering this at all.

"Yeah, it was when--" He interrupts himself and clears his throat. "You weren't very active in the messenger back then..."

"Oh." You nod, getting the hidden meaning behind his unfinished phrase. _Probably the worst time of my life._ "Alright. I'll talk to him later."

"Okay." He smiles, plants long kisses on both your hands, and walks away, leaving you questioning the reason for his insistence on this matter.

Saeran and you were already in bed, sitting next to each other. It's a little past 9 p.m. when you decide to call Yoosung. You think maybe the military will make them sleep by 10, so it seems the perfect time to have a short conversation. _He will probably be too overjoyed that I'm interested in this_ , after all, Yoosung advised you to seek this kind of help before you even started having your worst problems. _Wait..._ That's when you realize what a horrible friend you've been to him for the past year. Now that you rarely use the messenger anymore, you basically disappeared from his life ever since he joined the military... _And all of a sudden I come back asking for a favor?_ You stare at your phone, with his contact under your thumb.

"What's wrong?" Saeran gently puts his hand on the back of your neck. 

"I don't... I don't think it's fair." You shake your head sideways. "I know he was busy, but I literally was the one that went MIA for months... What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore?" You look at him desperately.

"Just breath... You can do it." He gives you a little smile, pulls you into a hug and encourages you with a light kiss on your temple. _When did he become so positive about everything?_

You consider his words and nod, take a deep breath and finally make the call. Yoosung accepts on the fourth or fifth tone.

"Hello? MC? Is that you?"

"Uh... Hi, Yoosung... How have you been?"

"OMG! It's so nice to hear your voice! I missed you so much! How are you?"

"I-I'm fine... How are you?" 

"I'm great! I mean, it's pretty boring here lately, but they are not really making me do anything dangerous so far... Ahh, I want to meet you guys so bad! I really hope next year comes sooner than I expect! How about you? We haven't talked for so long!"

"Wow, I... I am so glad to hear you're doing alright, Yoosung. And I... And I miss you too! Actually, I wanted to apologize for being so absent. The past year, things got... complicated... I'm not sure if they told you anything, or... But, anyway, I'm better now, I just... Well, it's still complicated."

"Oh, don't worry about it, MC. They... Well, they told me a few things, but I would still like to hear it from you. But we don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to. I'm just glad to know you're okay! And if you ever need my help, I'll do what I can. Even from here!" He laughs, and you remember how you missed him.

"Thank you, Yoosung. Uh... About that... I would like to ask you for..." Saeran notices your nervousness and takes your free hand on his. You look at his face and he nods for you to continue. "I would like to ask if you know any good therapists?" 

"Oh, therapists..." You almost said the words too fast, but you're glad he heard them, because you really did not want to repeat them. "Of course! I'm so glad you asked, MC! I met some very nice Psychology students, a couple years ago. I'm pretty sure they work in a nice mental health center nowadays. I'll send you their contact!"

"That's good! Thank you, Yoosung..."

"I'm so happy you're seeking professional help, MC. You're very important to us, we hope to see you healthy again..." You hear him sighing deeply "I know sometimes you may think life is not worthy anymore, but don't ever give up, okay?"

"I..." _I don't think like that anymore_ , you would reply if you could be honest. "I know... Thanks again, Yoosung."

"No need to thank me, MC. Just... Keep fighting. That's how you can thank me."

"O-okay. You too!"

"Sure! I still have a few months until I can go home, anyway." _His laugh is still as sweet as when I met him._ "Oh, I have to go now, I'm sorry..."

"It's fine! Thank you once again, and good night!!"

"I'm so happy I got to talk to you today, I don't think I'll sleep anytime soon! Take care, MC! Bye bye!"

The call ends and you exhale loudly from your mouth.

"Good job, my love... I knew you could do it." Saeran smiles at you. 

You smile for him too, despite not feeling like you just accomplished something you wanted at all. _Is my life being controlled by someone else again?_ The uneasiness you realized you felt when you used to live with Jumin comes back. _But it can't be... He promised I'd be free._ You clench your fists and notice Saeran still holds one of your hands. He intertwine your fingers with his, then brings it to his face. He smells your skin, freshly out of shower, and plants a light kiss on your hand. His other hand lifts your elbow up, just enough for him to make a road for his lips. From the back of your hand, he goes to your wrist, then your forearm, your elbow, and then your upper arm...

When he reaches your shoulder, you close your eyes and lean your head to the other side, giving him access to the parts he already marked the previous night. Still, you want more of it. More of the pleasure that only he is capable of giving you. _Both his roughness and his sweetness are enough for me._ Recently you became aware that you are drawn to him like a moth to a flame. _But he makes me forget. And he makes me remember._ So you can't help but keep asking for more...

The following night, Yoosung texted you the contact of the mental health center he mentioned. Thankfully, they didn't open on weekends, so you still had another day until you had to actually do something about it... _Or maybe more if I don't tell Saeran I already got their number._ You knew this situation wouldn't last forever, but it would certainly buy you some time until you actually accepted that you really were about to start therapy... The last option seemed like the best one. 

\--

It was a beautiful afternoon of August. The sun was shining high on the sky, the birds were singing, and you just wish there was a pool next to the large empty flower bed that Saeran has yet to work on.

He looks at you, fanning yourself with your hands in order to get some breeze. "I'll get us some refreshers..."

"No! Let me do it. You've been working all this time." You lead him to the bench where you've been doing nothing but sitting and watching him work.

In no time, you're back with two drinks, the glasses almost freezing your fingers. You also made sure to put as much sugar as possible in his drink, according to his liking. You've been trying very hard to pay attention to these little details of his personality, especially on a fine day like this. _I wouldn't want to ruin it._ You give him his drink and sit next to him. Despite the hot weather, he puts his arm around your shoulders and your lean on his chest.

"Thanks, you knew exactly how I like it." He says when he finishes drinking it, putting the empty glass aside.

"It's nothing." You look down to the drink between your hands and smile to yourself, proud that you made Saeran happy.

You enjoy the scenery together for a few minutes. At least one thing that is worthy of this house is its deserted location. Although inconvenient to reach it from the busy city, where the rest of your friends live, while staying here, the natural environment around it certainly makes up for it.

"It's strange..." Saeran breaks the silence.

"What is?" You look up to his face.

"Yoosung... Haven't sent you anything yet?" He stares at you and frowns.

"Oh, that..." You distance yourself from him. "Well, he... Actually... He--"

"Did he send you or not?" _He sounds really impatient._

"He... He did, but--"

"What the fu--" He gets up from the bench and walk a few steps away. He runs his hand through his hair angrily and you hear him taking a few deep breaths before he turns around, pinches his nose with closed eyes, takes another deep breath and finally talks with you again. "Why did you not call them yet?" You feel so small when he looks down at you like this.

"I... I don't think I'm ready... I'm sorr--" You plead.

"Not ready?" He screams. "I thought we had--" 

"But we had not!" You snap too, almost breaking the glass around your hands, tears threatening to fall. But you don't want to turn this into a fight, so you back down, turn your head away from him, and finally ask what you've been questioning yourself for days. "I'm sorry, but... I just don't understand why you want this so much."

It takes him a long time to answer you. From the corner of your eye, you see him kneeling. "When I first experienced therapy four years ago, I... I hated it. I hated it, because... I felt I was being forced to undergo a treatment I didn't want. I didn't know how I ended up there and why they were treating me like that. I hated it because they saw me like a sick person. And I'm sure--" He sighs. "I think the same happened to you last time. You... You felt the same as me, didn't you?" He tilts his head to the side and makes a sweet voice, and you hate yourself for agreeing with him. You only nod and he comes closer.

He places both his hands on your knees and gently draw circles on them. It tickles a little. Your first impulse is to push his hands away, but you only look at them, as he continues his speech. "I think we are more alike than we realize... And now is a good time to try again. Both you and me--"

"But why now? I don't understand--" You look at him, still confused. _Just because Jumin asked me to? Is he afraid Jumin would--_

"Because we are together now. And I want us to remain like that." You've never seen him look so serious. "I noticed there are... _people_ trying to separate us." You widen your eyes in response. _So it is Jumin, isn't it? He's controlling me again--_ "If this is one way for us to stay together, then of course... I want to try it! So... Please. Tell me you want this too." He pleads you not only with his words, but also with his shiny green eyes, the way the sun reflects its light on them, making them seem as clear as water. You study the rest of his face... So perfectly illuminated by the sunlight, you can't deny how beautiful he is... _Of course I cannot I lose you!_

"Yes... Yes, of course I want to stay with you!" You shout, almost involuntarily.

"Then, let's make this call?" He offers you his hand, and you gladly accept it, too afraid to miss his warm contact even for a second. He leads you back into the house...

When you notice it, you're already waiting for someone to pick up the call. You're so nervous, your legs keep bouncing while you sit on the sofa. Once again, Saeran is beside you, holding your hand, encouraging you, and trying to calm you down. _It's not working at all, tho--_

"Hello, Health and Counseling Center, can I help you?" A young woman asks you. _Too late to go back now..._

"He-Hello. Can I make an appointment?" Your words come out trembling, even though you feel your body freeze.

"Of course! Is this your first time?" _Her voice is so energetic._

"Yeah... It's... For me and my boyfriend."

"One moment, please!"

You turn to him and he's massaging your free hand... _I feel like ending this call and running away._ You take your phone away from your ear just a little, but too soon the bright voice comes back.

"Thank you for waiting! I have two doctors available this Thursday, around the same time. 10 and 10:20 a.m., would that be a good time?"

"This-This Thursday??" You jump out of the sofa. "As in, the day after tomorrow?!"

"Uh... Yes, that's correct!" _That's too soon! I thought doctors would be so much busi--_ "Are these--"

"NO!" You scream at her, feeling breathless already. 

"No? Okay then... I can find another--" Saeran quickly cups your cheeks and brings your foreheads together, occupying all your view with his own face.

"I-I mean... Yes, I accept these." He nods when you say it.

"I'm glad to hear that! I just need your names for now, the rest of the information will be provided during your first session."

"Our--Our names?" Saeran distances himself from you with a desperate look on his face. _Shit, we did not think this far..._

You cover your phone's mic with your other hand. "What do I say now?"

"Just..." He considers the possibilities for a moment. "Say the truth."

"Are you sure??" He only nods and you do as he says.

"Then we will be waiting for you two!" The woman answers. "Thank you so much! Take care until then!"

"Thank you..." You press the end button and feel relieved that it's finally over.

Saeran embraces you tightly. "It's done."

"I don't think using our real names was a good idea..." Even after all these years, you're still afraid something might happen to him if he's found by his father, and using his real name in a place like this seems... _Insane._

"It's been so long, they probably think I'm dead already. Don't worry about it."

_I really hope so._

You tried very hard to keep your mind away from the bad thoughts for the rest of the day, but to no avail... You both went to bed and they worst case scenarios still haunted you. _What if he finds us? Will we have to leave the country? Will we even be able to do it before he... before we meet our end? No, I don't want to die now, I'm happy again, I can't die now! This health center was the worst idea! We should have just kept to ourselves and keep living our life the way we've been so far... It's been perfect, why do we have to chan--_

"You're still awake?" He turns on the lamp on his side. You suppose you've been tossing too much. "You're never awake by now, are you alright?"

"Yeah. Just... The pill hasn't worked yet."

"Look..." He pulls strands of your hair away from your face, caressing it while he does so. "I know you're nervous about it. But we'll be doing this together. I told you already, didn't I?"

Warm tears ran down the corner of your right eye and wet the pillow under your head. You feel a knot tied around your throat and can't tell him all you've been thinking about.

"Please, don't cry..." He dries the tears leaving your left eye. "I promise you I won't let anything bad happen to us." You're still afraid of the future, but his gestures of affection make you less anxious for now.

You touch his face with the tip of your fingers, exploring every feature of his soft and light skin. The low illumination behind him reaches his perfectly angular jawline, delicate chin, small pointed noise, and his red hair... When he closes his eyes, you can't help but see--

"I will never leave you." He takes your hand and draws you closer to his body. "And I won't lose you to anything or anyone."

You nestle comfortably on his chest. While trying to stop thinking about everything that could go wrong, you start wondering about the real meaning behind his last sentence. Soon, you end up falling asleep and have a strange dream... You were back at Rika's apartment, but the one staying with you wasn't Saeyoung, but Saeran. Strangely, he acted the exact same way his brother did... Except, when you asked him when the two of you would go out to save Saeyoung, Saeran said "we can't, he's gone". You wake up screaming and Saeran calming you.

\--

You wake up with sweet kisses over your face. "Noo... I want a few more minutes, my love..." You try to cover yourself with your blankets, but he stops you.

"I'm sorry, my love..." He leaves another kiss on your forehead. "But we have an appointment today."

_Oh no._ You open your eyes widely. _It's today already._ It's not that you forgot... But after that horrible nightmare, you tried to live yesterday _as if there was no tomorrow._ You knew it was the only way for you to enjoy your last day of your current life with him... He did say many times that he would stay beside you and never allow anything bad to happen. But you know things will not be the same once you start this treatment. All you wanted to do was to forget it would ever happen. _And it worked..._

"I'll finish cooking breakfast while you get ready." He kisses your temples once again and leaves.

You check the time on your phone to see how much you still have left until the appointment. _Two hours and fifteen minutes_. Which means, _I don't have much time to waste in bed, since it takes us at least one hour to get there_. You want to go back to sleep, but you know you can't escape it. _Let's just get this day over with..._ You kick the blankets away from your body and stands up. When you're halfway through the bathroom's door, you feel like you just got out of a roller coaster, with a strong dizziness hitting you all of a sudden. You grip hard on the door frame and close your eyes as hard as you can.

"Fucking pills." You mumble to yourself as you wait for the side effects to go away. When they do, you walk towards the place you keep the meds and take the bottle you think is responsible for this dizzy sensation. "I should really stop taking you." You narrow your eyes. "But then again, if I don't..." _Whatever, I don't have time for this_. You take the pills as the prescription tells you to and go get ready for today's _challenge._

Two hours later, you're in front a three-story gray building, not so large, but also not too small either... The ground floor has some parking slots. Then there is the first floor above the ground, where you see two rooms with balcony windows, and two others with common windows. The last floor has six normal small windows. All of them are covered in curtains. There is no sign that this is a mental health center of any sorts.

"Finally..." You look at him, confused, but soon understands that he meant there's an empty spot under the building. Quickly, he parks the car and you walk together towards the entrance. Before he opens the door, he turns to you and, as he did during the entire way since you left home, he takes your hands and squeezes them lightly. "Don't forget, we're doing this together. I won't leave you."

"Okay." You smile and squeeze his hand back.

You go up the stairs to the first floor and find the waiting room. There are two large and comfortable looking sofas to your left, a counter with a young girl behind it to your right, and a short corridor with a few rooms in front of you.

"Hello! Welcome to our Health and Counseling Center!" The girl in her 20's greets you. _It's the same voice from two days ago_. She looks like a regular university student, probably working here as a part time job. She has a round face, very big and round eyes, and her hair is mid-length, with heavy bangs, just as dark as her eyes.

"Hello..." You take the lead, noticing Saeran doesn't say anything. "We have... appointments."

"Oh, you can sit over there and your therapists will call you once they are free." She gives you a big smile, showing her white teeth. _It's so bright and shiny, I think I'll bring sunglasses next time_. "There's water and coffee, and you can ask me anything if you have any questions." You bow thanking her, but you don't think you can drink anything. If he didn't beg you, you wouldn't even have had any breakfast before coming here.

You walk towards the comfy-looking sofa on the waiting room and only now you see there is another young girl there already, also around the same age as the receptionist. She's so distracted using her phone, she doesn't show any signs of noticing your presence. You sit on the other sofa, and he follows you. You can feel how uncomfortable he is to be so close to you with other people around, but since no one knows either of you, you reach for his hand. _Still, I wish we were alone back at home..._

An old man wearing a white coat comes and says a name. The girl's. She follows him towards that corridor without even looking at you. You look at the digital clock on the wall, above the receptionist's head. _9:55, it's almost my turn... Will my therapist be an old man too? Will he understand my problems? Will he even listen to me??_

His free hand lays on top of your knee and stops your leg from going up and down, something you didn't even realize you were doing this time. "Everything will be fine." He whispers. But when you look at him, you notice his eyes don't convey the same courage as his words are trying to. He looks just as anxious as you. And then it hits you that the one who sits beside you is someone just as hurt as you. _No, even more... God, I'm so selfish!_ You could never compare your pain to Saeran's. All the losses that he suffered... _He is the one that needs to be reassured that things will be fine, not me._ You tighten your hold oh his hand and give him the best smile you manage for the occasion--

Someone calls your name. You turn your head towards the source and see a woman wearing a white coat. _Is it her?_ You stand up and she walks towards you. Under her coat, she's wearing a black plain midi dress and short black heels. She looks no more than 40 years old. Her face shape is oval, her skin is very clean. Her nose does look like it's a bit too perfect to be 'natural', but it fits her face nicely. Her eyes are slightly smaller than the "beauty standards", and when she smiled, they closed almost completely. You also notice little bags under her eyes too, but there are no signs of wrinkles. Her brows are very thin and small, which makes her eyes seem very gentle. Her lips, on the other side, are well designed, but wearing a very light pink gloss lipstick, _it does not show all her potential_. Her hair is definitely her best asset. The colour is light brown, the same as her eyes, and it looks like she just got out of a hair salon, _such perfect curls_...

"Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Go Sojin and I'm a psychologist here." She bows and offers you her hand.

"Hello, nice to meet you too..." You return her greeting.

"Please, follow me." She gives you a gentle smile and points to the corridor. You take one last glance at Saeran, who nods, wearing the same anxious look as before. You try to reassure him one more time, but you too are just as nervous as him.

Her room is relatively small. You guessed it would be, since there are many rooms in this building, but it does look comfortable. There is a recliner chair on your left, and a tall shelf to your right, full of books. In front of you, on the far end of the room, you see a big beige curtain covering a window, where the sunlight is struggling to come through. _It must be one of the rooms with a balcony._ Then in front of it, there is a desk, with two other chairs for guests, besides her own, where she sits once she welcomes you inside.

"You can sit too." She gestures towards the chairs in front of her desk. She closes her notebook and reaches for a piece of paper inside a drawer. "I need you to fill this for me, please. Then we can talk to see if you need a counselor or another type of therapy service we offer." She gives you a form and a pen. _Does this mean she will not be my therapist?_

The first questions are simple. Your basic information, such as your name, date of birth, phone number, home address... _Shit. Another dangerous info I can't leak_. You think maybe you should provide another address. But the only other place coming to your mind right now is... _Jumin's. And I refuse to call that my home again._ You decide to answer this later and skip it.

There are a few more personal questions about yourself and then a space to put your friend's contact information, 'in case of emergency'. Just like before, the first name popping up on your head is Han Jumin. _Fuck... What is wrong with me today?_ You then write Jaehee's info, remembering everything your _actual best friend_ did for you when you most needed help.

The next eight questions are all about your psychological state. Each of them have four or five options that best describe your past or present situation. In order, your answers are: 

"I have tried psychotherapy/counseling before";

"I am aware I have suffered/I suffer from a psychological issue"; 

"I have used/I am using medications to treat a psychological issue"; 

"I have visited/I visit the hospital because of a psychological issue"; 

"I do know what is the source of my psychological issue"; 

"My psychological issue has affected/affects my daily life"; 

"My friends/family know/knows about my psychological issue";

"My psychological issue has affected/affects my relationship with my friends/family".

You finish marking your questions and give the form back to her.

"Well done..." Dr. Go Sojin reads through the paper in her hands. "But... why did you not write any address for your home?"

"Oh..." _Damn, I forgot to review it_. "I... I'm not... Uh... I'm not very good with street names, and... I don't go out much, so I haven't memorized it yet--"

"No problem, MC." She smiles warmly, the same way when you just met her, a few minutes ago. "You can look it up and tell me the next time."

"Yeah... Okay." You nod and look down to your hands. _How did Saeran answer his?_

"It seems you've tried some sort of therapy before, want to talk about your previous experiences?"

"I... I'm not sure." You still don't look at her.

"So is it okay if I ask you some questions about it?"

"I guess..." You trail off.

"When was the last time you visited a therapist?"

"I actually... I didn't. They visited me." You finally lift your face to see her.

"Was it a hospital therapy?" She tilts her head to the side. You nod in response. "And how was it?"

"Awful. I hated it."

She tries to suppress a smile, covering her mouth, but it does not really work. You frown at her attitude. "Pardon me. It's just... This is a very common reply I get. Hospital therapists are usually very different from us, and they tend to be... Awful, as you put." You widen your eyes. _Does she understand me?_ "Now, according to your answers, you seem very... perceptive of your current psychological state. How were you back then?"

"Well, it was... It was the first time I had experience it, so I didn't know anything about it."

"Oh..." She opens her notebook and starts writing down on her lap, so you can't see what she's writing. "When was it?"

"Hmm... Last year. Around April or May. I think it was May, I can't remember." She nods for you to continue. "I was living with my best friend for a couple of months by then, so it has to be one of these two months." 

"Who is this best friend?"

"Uh, her name is Jaehee, I wrote her info in the form..." You look at her face, but she just keeps writing. "I wasn't feeling very good for a few days already, and then one morning I just couldn't move out of the bed. Jaehee said I wasn't myself, and that... I had forgotten years of my life. But I really can't remember anything that happened before I actually woke up hours later in the hospital."

"Anything at all?"

"Nothing." You shake your head sideways. "I just know what they told me."

"They?" She takes her eyes from her notes to you. "Was someone else with you besides Jaehee?"

"Yes, uh... Another... Friend. Jaehee was so scared, she called him and... I didn't recognize him, so he decided to take me to the hospital."

"Who is him?" She asks innocently, but it takes all your strength to explain it. _Why do I have to talk about him?_

"His name is Jumin." _If I tell her his last name, she probably will treat me differently like all the other people I met..._

"Is it the one who I saw with you earlier?"

"No, he's my-- He's Saeran." _That was awkward._

"Okay..." She nods and you don't know what it means. "So they took you to the hospital... Did you recover your memory by then?"

"Yes... After I woke up hours later."

"And what did you feel?"

"What I felt?" You look at nowhere in particular, trying to recall that horrible day. "I think I felt nothing..."

"Nothing? What do you mean?"

"Because I was too drugged to feel anything?" 

"What happened?" She narrow her eyes at you, and you take a deep breath before answering her.

"I... I remember a doctor diagnosed me with a weird disorder. Jumin arranged everything for me, because..." _He's the stupidly rich and extravagant Han Jumin._ "...I was still passed out. When I came to myself, they were running some tests, then giving me some strong medicine again. They also told me I had to start therapy." She watches you carefully, listening to every word you say this time, not writing anything. You cross your arms, lean on the back of the chair and sigh. "I got stuck in that hospital for a week, without being able to see any of my friends... According to that therapist, 'I shouldn't see any visitors'."

"Was that when you also started taking your medications as well?"

"The ones for this so-called disorder, yes... I was already taking sleeping pills before."

"For how long?"

"A year?" You close your eyes trying to remember. _Anything before a year ago is such a blur._ "Maybe more."

"Do you still take any of them?""I..." _Should I be honest?_ You look at her, she's waiting to write your answer. "Yeah. Both."

"Have you lost your memory recently?"

"Uh... A few times."

"Do they come back like before?"

"I take some pills and fall asleep... It usually works."

"Usually? Not always?"

"Like the first time, I usually don't remember what I do during these..." _How do I call them?_ "Attacks? Episodes? Other times, I also don't get to remember some parts of my past, even though I regain most of my memory."

"Do you want to remember these parts?" You widen your eyes, surprised by her question.

"I..." _Do I?_ You press your hands tight on your arms. "I don't know."

She continues to write down for some time, then closes her notebook and looks right into your eyes. "I think this was all I needed." _What? Did I say something wrong?_ You uncross your arms and sit straight. "I need to think about your case... They will call you in a few days to explain how your next sessions will work." She notices your uneasiness and smiles. "If you agree, of course... You won't be forced to do anything here, don't worry." She walks with you to the door and say goodbye with a bow. You thank her, doing the same, and go back to the reception.

Sitting on the same sofa as the young girl before, you see now a man on his 40's. He does not move his head, but you see him noticing you coming closer to the waiting room by the way he moves and checks where you'll sit from the corner of his eyes. You decide to pay him no mind and instead look at the clock to check the time. _It's a little past 11 a.m. I can't believe I was in there for more than an hour. I hope I did alright..._ You feel like you just got out of a job interview and is waiting for a positive answer. All sorts of possible outcomes flooding your mind.

Around ten minutes later, Saeran calls your name. You quickly get up and follow him towards the exit, neither of you saying anything.

"So... How was it?" You ask him once the two of you are in the car.

"It was good." 

"Oh... Just good?" You insist, worried about him.

"He was fine." He drives out of the health center and stops at a red light, turning his face to you. "I'm more worried about you, actually."

"About me?" You knit your brows and keep staring at him. "Why?"

"Nothing, I just--" The traffic light turns green and he faces the road again. "I just wanted to know how it was for you." He gives you a quick smile, before facing forward again.

And perhaps it was the intensiveness of the approaching midday sun, or the fact that you had not eaten anything since breakfast, or even because Dr. Go Sojin talked about recalling memories today... But when Saeran gave you that weak little smile, it brought you back to four years ago, when you watched someone else, from the same angle, giving you a brighter smile. "Yes, my love." As if you were under a spell, you slowly leaned on his shoulder. "I'll tell you everything..."


	6. Mourning the Past

You feel your hand tingling under the weight of your head, so you shift your position to lay on your back. But your left shoulder hits what it seems to be wall and it makes you almost fully awake. You stretch your legs and they also hit something, but this time it's a lot softer and warmer... You open your eyes, and realize it wasn't something, but someone your feet just touched.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" He closes the book he was reading. His voice is so soft, you could almost mistake it for a dream you just had.

"No, I--" You look around and this isn't your bedroom. You fell asleep in the sofa, apparently. _But I don't remember--_ "What happened?"

"You..." He shifts his eyes from the book to you. "You had an episode a few hours ago. I had to give you those pills... You fell asleep after lunch."

"What??" You close your eyes, trying as best as you can to remember what he described, but only flashes of it come back to you. You remember the drive back home and then everything starts to get foggy. You barely remember Saeran telling you something about cooking lunch. Maybe you also remember eating... Or maybe these all memories you want to have and are making them up. "What did I do before I fell asleep? I can't... I can't remember." You look at him with desperation.

He comes closer, leaving his book aside, and takes your hands on his. "You seemed fine when we were coming home... You even told me everything you talked with your therapist, I was--"

"What? I did?" You free your hands and make some distance between you two. "I don't remember any of it!"

"Yes, I... I know." He clenches his empty hands and pull them closer, trying to shrink in his own space. "I noticed you weren't yourself when we entered our home." He closes his eyes and makes a painful expression.

"What do you mean? What did I do?"

"You--" He looks at you with teary eyes and you frown. He takes a deep breath and you see him swallowing before he speaks again. "It doesn't matter. I just gave you the right drugs after we had lunch and then you fell asleep, okay?"

"O-okay, but--"

"How do you..." He interrupts you, but his voice cracks... It hurts your heart to watch him like this. "How do you feel right now?"

"I... I'm good, I just don't remem--"

"That's a relief." He clumsily covers his eyes with both hands, an attempt to dry the tears you saw. He sniffs and stands up. You grab his shirt just before he leaves your reach, holding him in place. 

_I don't remember... But I think I know what I did._ "I-I'm sorry..." It almost comes out like a whisper. You don't even dare to look up and face him.

He sniffs once again and sighs loudly. He turns around and lift you in his arms, a move you definitely didn't expect. You look at his face, now almost touching yours, and there is a smile on it. "It was nothing... Let's forget it and go to bed, my love."

You smile back, encircling your arms around his neck and letting him carry you to your love nest. _Yes, maybe it is better if we just forget it..._

The next day, you made sure to tell Jaehee that you started therapy. You didn't feel like talking on the phone, so you just sent her a message. When she replied, you were pretty sure Yoosung told her about it already and she was only waiting for your confirmation. _I hope now Jumin will once and for all leave me alone too..._

When you finish talking to Jaehee about your first therapy session, you remember you are still waiting for their call about how your next one is going to be. After over a year with your phone on silent mode, you finally turn it off.

\--

Your next days have been pretty much the same as your life before meeting Dr. Go Sojin. You don't even feel any significant change to your routine. That means, like before, you find yourself locked in the bathroom, pondering if you should take the medicines or not... _The doctor did not say anything about them yet, so I could as well ignore them._ You close your eyes. _But it does not make any sense... I should try both treatments together, shouldn't I?_ You look at the bottle and you remember the pain you caused Saeran just a few days ago... _Yeah, to avoid any more problems than I'm already causing, I'll keep taking you._

\--

You're watching a movie together when a phone starts ringing. You look up at Saeran and he down to you. You move away from his chest so he can fetch it, but he doesn't leave the sofa. You ask him. "Won't you--" _Oh..._

You first thought it was Saeran's, but soon you remembered his ringtone is different from yours. You quickly stand up and run to the bedroom. Before you pick up the call, you see it's from the health center. _It's been only five days and I already forgotten about it..._

"Hello?"

"Hello! This is from the Health and Counseling Center, I would like to speak with MC."

"Yes, I'm MC."

"Your next session will be with Dr. Go Sojin, this Thursday, 10 a.m.. Is this a good time for you?"

"Uh..." You sit on the edge of your bed. "Yeah... Yeah, it is."

"Good! See you on Thursday! Until then, take care!"

"T-thanks..."

You stare at the black screen of your phone. _Why did she took all this time to decide if she would just keep me as her patient? Was she trying to get rid of me and couldn't?_ You leave your phone on the bed again and go back to the living room, but your worries about Dr. Go Sojin's decisions won't leave you.

"Hey..." You say as soon as you sit next to him. "Have they called you already?"

He tilts his head and he didn't need to voice the question that was all over his face. "Who?"

"The... The health center... To tell you about your next session."

"Uh... No, not really. The doctor told me last week already."

"Oh..." You turn away from him. _So she really tried to get rid of me... Is my case so difficult? Am I so fucked up? What if I can't be helped? Will she give up on--_

"Don't worry. Maybe she was just confused about what to do..." You look at him, but you don't think he's so sure of it himself.

"She doesn't seem the type to get confused..." You're about to lose all hopes.

"Just..." He sighs and opens his arms, welcoming you back to his chest again. "Let's not think about it now and enjoy our movie, hm?"

"Sorry... You're right." You apologize as you get closer to him. "Did I miss anyth-- Oh. You paused it. You didn't have to."

"It's alright. This movie is only fun because you're here, anyway."

"What? So you're not enjoying it?! But you said you were! It's one of my favourites!" You hit him playfully.

"I know, I know!" He laughs and tries to defend himself from your light punches. "That's why we're watching it..." He holds your wrists and bring your faces as close as possible to each other. "I'd do anything to make you happy."

One moment, you were seeing his lips moving while saying these words to you. The words reaching your ears as the loveliest song you've heard. The next, you were feeling them against your own lips. Tasting his tongue with the warmest of passions. His hands slide from your wrists to the hem of your shirt, exploring the skin covered by it, while yours get lost on his messy hair.

Moaning loudly, it doesn't take long for you to accept that he can make you happy in so many ways...

\--

You managed to live through the next couple of days with his help. But as Thursday morning approached, you got more and more anxious.

It's the evening before, and when Saeran turns off the lamp on the bedside table, you feel your sleep leaving your body completely. A chilling sensation invading you from your toe to your head. In the darkness of the room, you reach for his face.

"Holy shit! You're freezing!" He recoils with your touch and turns around to get the lights back on. You stop him.

"No, just... Just hold me, please. I'm cold."

He takes your hand from his face and pulls you closer. "It's still summer, why are you so cold?" You don't reply, only adjusting yourself comfortably around his arms. "I'll warm you, my love."

Some time later, you feel his deep breaths, slowly and steady. _He fell asleep before me..._ You shut your eyes, trying to sleep too, but you don't feel it coming to you at all. You decide to get away from him and let him sleep without any disturbance. But when you try to move, his arms hold you in place. _He's keeping me company even in his sleep..._ You smile, but you really feel like crying out of happiness.

You fall asleep a few minutes later.

"MC, are you ready?"

"Almost!" The delicious smell of your favourite breakfast plate invades the room as you open the bedroom's door to shout out to him. _Ah, I can't believe he's cooking that!_ You quickly turn around to finish your last details about your outfit and run to the kitchen, the food smell only getting stronger as you get closer.

"You're really special, you know that, right?" You hug him from behind and kiss his cheek, surprising him.

"What... What do you mean?" He turns his head to see you and meet his reddened face.

"Thank you for cooking what I like today, my love." You give him a bright a smile as you take your sit next to him.

"Oh. It's... It's nothing." He looks down to the table, lifting the corner of his lips in what you know it's not his genuine smile.

It wasn't the reaction you were expecting to get from him. Your happy expression slowly leaves your face as you watch his disappointment. _Why..? Did I say something wrong??_ You look down to your plate and frown. _I don't want to make it worse..._ So you decide to just eat in silence. He seems to hesitate at first, but then you hear him doing the same.

A couple of hours later, you're under the health center's building. All the topics of discussion of your last session coming back to you as he fully stops the car and turns off the ignition.

"Wait." He looks at you as you stop him from taking off his seat belt. "How did you answer about... your address?"

"I wrote a fake one." He shrugged as if it was the most obvious thing to do.

"Ah... Of course." You take your hand back, embarrassed with yourself for not thinking about this solution before. _Wait..._ "What if they want to verify it?" You stop him again.

"No, I don't think so. They have too many patients..."

"Then... Should I also use the same?"

He smiles and take your hand with his, bringing it to the side of his face. "Sure, why not?" He then leaves a few warm kisses on inside of your wrist, sending you a warmer sensation to the rest of your body.

You're surprised that this time it was him that initiated this kind of touch while you're in public. _Well, we're in the car, but it can still be considered PDA, right? Do people here know we're together??_ "Have you... Have you told your therapist about us?" He frowns, not understanding you. "I mean, about our... relationship?"

"Oh..." He brings down your hand, along with his gaze. A minute passes, but he doesn't answer you.

"I-I didn't mean anything! I also haven't told--"

"I know. Do you think we should?" He looks up to you again, his mint eyes shining even under the shade of the building, you could almost see your blushing self reflected on it. _Have they always been this big and round?_ "...MC?"

"Oh... Sorry." You face forward, feeling a little too hot. "Uh... If we're going to use the same address, I think they will notice we live together sooner or later. Also..." You turn to him again. "You told me they can't really know who you are, right?"

"Yeah, I did..."

"So, maybe it's safe... We don't need to hide our relationship."

"Okay..." He nods and gets out of the car, upon seeing the time on the car's dashboard. You follow him, still a little nervous about what's about to come.

Not ten minutes have passed since you sat together on the waiting room and a middle-aged man in a black suit covered by a white coat called Saeran's name. Whispering to you a "see you later", he stands up to meet his therapist. They are a bit far from where you sit, so you can't hear them, but you can see them greeting and introducing each other. The doctor seems like a nice man, so all you hope is that he can help hi--

_Did I see it wrong? They were introducing each other? No, this can't be right, this is not the first time they met, so why would they-- Oh._ You remembered Dr. Go Sojin told you there are many types of professionals here, _presumably to deal with all different kinds of mental health issues..._ That would explain why he was called before you today. _It's another therapist, then..._ And he knew about it since last week.

You also remembered you had told Saeran all about your talk with your therapist. _I mean, I do know I told him, I just don't remember telling him..._ But Saeran didn't tell you anything about how his first session was. Aside from the fact the he knew about today since then, he told you nothing else... You don't even know what kind of therapist was his first and is his second--

_Someone's calling me?_

"Oh, I'm sorry." You quickly walk towards Dr. Go Sojin and greets her with a bow twice, apologizing once more. 

"Are you feeling alright?" She asks you with a true concern in her voice and face. 

"Yes! I was just distracted." You smile to reassure her. 

She smiles back, the warming feeling reaching you again as her lips lift up and her eyes almost get fully closed while her cheeks do the same. But when she guides you to her office, you feel anxious again. Sitting on the same place from last week, you feel a sense of _déjà-vu_ , yet at the same time, you still have no idea what to expect.

She gives you the form for you to complete it with your home address, and while you casually looks down to your other hand, where Saeran wrote it a few minutes ago, she asks "Were you surprised that I called you again?"

"I... Should I?" You honestly have no idea how to answer this question. _Surprised is not really the word. Worried, maybe..._

She leans on the back of her chair and crosses her arms. "I have to say, I wasn't quite sure I was going to have you here today. Honestly, I wanted it to happen. And I wanted to tell you this since our first session..." She takes a deep breath and continues. "But I'm one of the main psychologists here and, among other tasks, I'm one of the few who analyzes the patients' conditions and decide what kind of professional suit them better. Which means I don't usually have time, and neither energy, to keep a patient for myself..."

You widen your eyes. _So why take all this trouble..?_

"Sorry, I didn't want to confuse you." She uncrosses her arms and pulls her chair closer to the desk, leaning her forearms on it, mirroring her hands, as if she's praying. "I just got very interest in you." She points her joined hands to you. "Professionally speaking, of course." You only watch her, not really knowing how to respond. "I had to pull a few strings, but I managed to free my schedule... I can keep you as my patient now. Are you comfortable with my decision?"

_She did so much, how could I ever refuse?_ "Of course. Thank you so much for--"

"You don't have to thank me." She turns away to grab her notebook. "I truly care about my patients. And I only hope I can help you feel safe enough to tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable, okay?" She smiles and you feel like you knew her for ages already. 

"Thank you..." She said you didn't have to, but you honestly feel like thanking her for being so welcoming and kind.

"Shall we begin?" You nod and she wrote something before making another question. "How was your week?"

"It was... Good."

"And have you had any other episode recently?"

You freeze. _Did she know? Could she know??_ "No... Not any recently." _I can't even remember anything from the last week's one anyway..._

"When was the most recent?"

_Shit, I can't talk about that.... Another one... When was the one before... Oh, of course!_ "The one I had before I came here. It was the one that triggered my choice to start therapy, I think..."

"Why is that?"

"Because... I think it probably was just as bad as the first one. Except, I forgot three years of my life this time."

"Oh." She stops writing and narrows her eyes at you. "Three years? That's a long time. Did you get your memories back?"

"Yes. Well, most of it."

"And do you remember what happened while you were still having the episode?"

"...Yes." You close your eyes, not wanting to remember that awful realization of your fantasy being destroyed.

"How did it start?"

"I... I just woke up and thought I was living a day from three years ago."

"And what happened three years ago?"

"You mean the--" Your voice gets stuck on your own throat and you have to cough to speak again. "You mean on that particular day, or...?"

She raises an eyebrow and stops writing again to talk to you. "Was there something else?" You look down to your hands, squeezing them together. _Please don't--_ "What happened three years ago, MC?"

"Is that..." You feel tears threatening to fall. "Is that important?"

"It might be... It can be a message from your brain."

"A message?" You look up to her, not caring about the wetting face you're showing her.

"It probably hasn't accepted them as past and is trying to make you relive them." _Ha... probably, huh?_ "Don't you want to remember them as your past so you can understand your present, and find your path to the future?"

"...Yes." You know it was the right answer, but you don't know if you really do.

"I'm glad to hear that." She slides you a box of tissues so you can dry your current tears. And probably the next to come.

"Well, I..." You sniff and look away to the curtains behind her. "I don't even know where to start."

"Wherever you feel it will be easier."

You finish recomposing yourself, but you already feel like sobbing. _It does not really matter where I start. No part of this is ever going to be easier to talk about..._ You take a deep breath and try to think about what she said. _Remember my past, to understand my present and find my future..._ You exhale slowly and breath in deeply one more time. "My husband--" Your voice falters, but you force yourself to try again. "My husband left me. Three years ago." 

You face her and she's been watching you, with no specific expression on her face this time. You think carefully about what to talk about next, your eyes aching to cry again. _Maybe if I talk about the good times...?_ "I wasn't expecting it, of course. We were--" You laugh. And you're sure it probably sounded like a desperate laugh. "We were so happy, you know? Like those perfect couples you only see on dramas." You so desperately wish she could understand what you really mean. "I mean, we had a rough start... But like all those couples, we got over it and--" _Well, maybe that was the problem..._ You sigh. "Maybe it was all too perfect to be true, right?"

She lifts one of her eyebrows and quickly writes something down. "How did you two meet?"

"Actually it was--" _No. I shouldn't say anything about RFA here._ You come up with the first thing in your mind then. "It was Saeran. He... He introduced us."

"So he was a common friend?"

"No! They were... Uh... Cousins." You remembered the connection they used back when Saeran was first hospitalized and answered the same. "I met Saeran totally by accident once, but then I met--" _Should I say his name? I think there is no problem..._ "I ended up meeting Saeyoung."

"Ended up?" She frowns at your vagueness. "How exactly?" You press your hands together and feel you're being interrogated. "Do you still remember, MC?"

"I do, it's just..." You face down and sigh. _Do as Saeran and tell a fake story..._ "I-I was living in his friend's apartment. I rented it. He came to check on me often. And we fell in love..." She only nods and you feel safe to continue. "Saeran was the one to show me that apartment. But then he disappeared, and Sev- I mean, Saeyoung was very worried. I told him I'd help him." You smile remembering those times. _What I wouldn't give to live them all again..._ "He's so caring with Saeran, I didn't have to think twice to help him. I could never let anything--"

"...MC?" Her gentle voice brings you back from your flashbacks.

"Yes?"

"How long ago was it?"

You frown at first glance, but after you consider her question for a while, you realize your mistake. _Fuck. I was doing it again._ "It's been four years. When I met him it was summer too... July 2016." A tear leave your eye and you don't even bother to catch it with the tissue still in your hands. "After Saeran came back, we... got engaged. Next week, it will be four years since then."

"And where was Saeran?"

"Well, he..." _Think. Think..._ "He was with a... friend?" _Damn, it came out as a question._

"A friend? Did you know this friend?"

"No, she..." _I really should have came up with a better story for this before._ "I mean, I met her a few times, and she's living abroad since then. I didn't get to meet her very well, but..." You knit your brows and look to the curtains again. The sunlight coming from its edges reminding you of her impeccable hair. "I know she's one of the reasons why he also needs therapy today."

"Do you know what happened?"

"Not really..." _I really don't._ "Saeran never told me..."

"Then why do you blame her..?"

"Because even a year after I got engaged, I was still helping him deal with the consequences of her actions. Even today, he..." You trail off once again. Your anger about to overcome you too, so you close your eyes and take a deep breath. "Anyway, I think it was around three years ago that I first witnessed one of his worst attacks. After almost a year living with them, I had never seen one like that..."

_We had woken up to the sound of breaking glasses and screams. Before I could get out of bed, Saeyoung was already rushing out of our bedroom. I followed him and, lucky me, I was a few steps behind. A plate came flying in our direction. Saeyoung put his secret agent skills to use and effortlessly dodged it, but I could only close my eyes when I saw the incoming white object. It shattered on the wall next to my face. Saeyoung quickly turned around when he heard my scream, desperately checking if I got hurt. He hugged me and told me to wait in our bedroom. I refused, but he said Saeran was too dangerous. And so I went._

_From there, I could still hear Saeran's angry screams. Along with Saeyoung's useless attempt to calm him. I was so worried he could be hurt. After almost an hour of shouts, I decided to leave our bedroom and get back there. Saeran was now holding a knife and Saeyoung was still trying to make his brother listen to him. I did not think twice when I saw that knife pointed towards my husband... I threw myself between them. I could hear Saeyoung pleading for me to go away. But I couldn't move. All my body thought about back then was to keep my lover safe._

"But I think I managed to get him back to us, so I guess it all ended okay..." You smile a little, as you recall how happy Saeyoung was to have you by his side that day.

She writes down what you said and looks up again. "Wait, attacks? What do you mean? Does he also..?"

"No, he's not... He's not like me. It's more like..." You contort your mouth. _I shouldn't be talking about him, should I?_ "It was more like outbursts. I... I just helped him calm down, that's all."

"And how did you help him?"

"Well, I... I didn't do much..." You look away, remembering the scene as if it just happened this morning. _When Saeran looked down at me, I slowly lifted my hands to his wrists._ "I just asked him to pay attention to me..." _His eyes narrowed and he screamed for me to go away._ "I told him I wasn't going to hurt him." _He refused to calm down, but his eyes wouldn't leave mine._ "Then I said he would never be alone again." _Tears formed in his eyes and he slowly opened his fists. I could finally take the knife from him and gave it to Saeyoung, who never left my side. Saeran fell to the ground on his knees. I also knelt in front of him._ "I taught him how to breath and he soon calmed down..."

"So, he lived with you and your husband... And you helped him when he had these attacks..." 

"Yeah, I..." Her small eyes watched you carefully. "Well, you see, Saeyoung was very protective towards his... cousin, so he couldn't send Saeran away, especially after what that friend did to him. And of course I supported him. We insisted Saeran should stay with us after our marriage."

"When did you two marry?"

"About a month after our engagement party."

"A month? So you mean it was..." She looks down to the notebook on her lap. "Two months after you met him??" You try to suppress a chuckle. _Dr. Go Sojin sounds like a worried mother telling her child she cannot marry a guy she only just met._

"Yes, it... It was a little more than two months." You nod.

"Okay..." With widened eyes she writes down something you can't see again. "And what then?"

You take a deep breath and smile. "Then I had the best year of my life, I'd say... I was married to the man of my dreams. Someone who I truly loved. And who I believed that loved me back." You feel the back of your eyes burning again, the familiar sensation before your tears blur your vision. But it's out of happiness this time. "We had a series of firsts together. Our first time visiting places together. Our first time spending the holidays together. Our first time celebrating our birthdays together..."

_"Surprise!" Everyone shouted together as the twins entered our home. The whole place decorated for their birthday party. I still don't know how I managed to keep them both out since so early in the morning to get everything ready. Oh, right... I should thank Yoosung for that, for he was the one who 'invited them for a LOLOL round at his house'. I'm sure Saeyoung has probably been clueless for the entire day, but no way Saeran believed this excuse... Still, it is a beautiful scene to watch. Saeyoung with teary eyes thanking us. Saeran looking away with a red face... And all our friends together. Except for our wedding, I've never felt happier than now--_

"MC." _Right. This is gone. Only a memory... Stop seeing it as present, right?_ "What are your most significant memories from the time you spent together?"

"All of them are special..." You take a deep breath and look down at your hands. "But if I had to choose. It would be his birthday. And the anniversary of the day I met him..." You lean on the back of your sit and cross your legs. "I prepared a surprise for the--" _Shit. I almost forgot she does not know they're twins._ "For his birthday. It was a lovely party... But the next month he decided to surprise me in return. It had been a year since we met. Saeran left the whole house for only the two of us that weekend. I had spent the day out with Jaehee on a fancy spa and, when I got back, the lights were out. There were candles and rose petals all over the floor. It was... very romantic..." You look away, feeling embarrassed as your memories from that night come to you.

_He carried me to our bedroom, where more candles were placed, especially around our bed. The rose petals above our mattress in the shape of a heart. I laughed when he said his back was hurting as he carefully lay me down. I playfully said it was too bad he wouldn't be able to enjoy the gift I also prepared for him... I still get aroused remembering the way he bit his lips and his pupils almost completely engulfed his golden irises in response to my teasing. I pulled him closer, not able to resist him... He undressed me and saw my favourite lingerie. He played with its laces until I got to undress him. I will never forget the way he trapped me under his body, as I succumbed to his desires. Or how his eyes sought mine, as if trying to share a message I wasn't aware back then... When he spoke so close to my ear, his warm breath only aroused me more. But only today I understand why he repeated those words to me..._

_"Tonight might be our last night." He kissed my neck. "Or we might be able to spend the rest of our lives together." He kissed my jawline. "I don't know the results. But if tonight is our last..." He inspected my face carefully. "I just want to do one thing." With his long and warm fingers, he turned my head to the left side."Can I be a bit selfish to you?" He whispered close to my ear."I want to leave on you evidence that I existed. I want to hold you tight and love you all night so that you can remember me forever." He kept exploring my body with his warm hands. "Will you let me?"_

Dr. Go Sojin clears her throat. "A year after you met? Why not your wedding anniversary?"

You look at her and smile. "It is a significant memory, indeed..." You want to talk about it, but you felt your hands trembling already, so you stop.

"How was it?"

"We..." You swallow hard as your throat starts closing in. "We never got to celebrate--"

"Ah... I see." She turns down to her notebook and then back at you. "How did it happen?" You sink even more back in your sit and close your eyes. _Please, don't make me remember that. Everything but that..._ "MC?"

"Yeah?" You open your eyes, but still avoid her.

"How did he--" _I can't avoid it..._

"I-I woke up one day." You clench your trembling fists."September Seventh, Twenty Seventeen." _Cursed number_... "He was not in bed. He... left a note--" With a racing heart, you remember you can't say it. _Don't fall for agents anymore, 707._ The words he did not even spared some time to write. _He printed it._ "I thought it was a joke." You laugh when you remember at how stupid you might have seemed to Saeran when you asked him that. "I honestly thought it was--" Your laughs turn into sobs, and suddenly you can't control the bitter tears leaving you any longer. But he worst part of reliving this memory was the black hole that you felt inside your chest, eating you from the inside.

"I... I am honestly sorry, MC." You can hear her trying to comfort you, _but it really doesn't matter. No one can._

"I asked my friends if they could find him, they said it was impossible..." _Of course it was, who could ever find an agent as skilled as him?_ "I destroyed all his things after a few days... I couldn't live in that house anymore..." You say between sobs. _It's becoming so difficult to breath now._ "Jumin invited me to his house... He had a sparing room available..." It was actually an apartment, a few floors under his penthouse, but you cannot tell her that. You're a completely crying mess now.

"Okay..." She closes her notebook and puts it on her desk. "I think this is enough for today, MC. As you seem to be very distressed as well, and we cannot let that happen." She stands up and opens a small fridge under her desk that you haven't noticed before. She offers you a bottle of water and a warm smile. "I hope you feel better soon, which is the purpose of this treatment." You accept the water from her hands and dry your tears with a few more tissues, discarding them when she takes you to the door. You thank her with a bow and leave.

At the waiting room, Saeran is the only one sitting on the sofa. When he sees you, slowly approaching him, he frowns and stands up. You practically launch your arms around his waist when you finally get closer to him, making him walk down the stairs with you. You know he found it strange, but since the young receptionist can still hear you, he helps you walk silently towards the car.

Before you reach the passenger door's knob, he lifts your face with both his hands and watches you for a while. "What happened?"

"Saeran, please. I want to--"

"Wha-What did you call me?" He widens his eyes, but doesn't let go of your cheeks. "Are you having an attack?"

"I'm not." You close your eyes and cover his hands with yours. "I just want to go home, and... forget about your brother..." You feel your head throbbing as more tears leave your eyes.

"O-okay." _He sounds so nervous. Is it because I'm crying?_ He kisses your forehead before turning around to get in the car. _I_ _could swear the edge of his lips lifted up..._ And this time, you know it was definitely his genuine smile. 


	7. Call it Destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: there are mentions of several things (read the tags) in this chapter that might be disturbing for some people. But mentions only, nothing graphic.

Once inside the car, you let your heavy head fall against the window and close your heavy eyelids, wishing you could just magically appear in your bed, _instead of an hour or so car drive that will feel endless..._ Some time after you leave the traffic from the downtown's streets and enter the free highways towards your home, you hear Saeran asking you once again if everything is alright, but you guess your silent weeps would turn into loud sobs if you were to open your mouth. You just nod, staring at the blurry road ahead. Feeling cold again despite the summer, you bring your arms closer, holding yourself as you did so often right after _he_ left you... _No summer will ever be as warm again..._

_"I hated God for making me this way. But... I was able to meet you because of all the troubles I've gone through." He takes a deep breath. I can hear the air entering his body through his mouth, so close to my ear. And I can feel it entering his lungs, as his chest moves up under my body. "For the first time in my life... I want to do things with another person. And once I started thinking about it, I couldn't stop." His big and warm hands clung to the back of my tight and caress the back of my head. "There are so many things I want to do with you. From small things, to big grand plans, they're all inside my mind." His voice is so sweet and cheerful, I keep my gaze over his chest, but I bet he's smiling now. "But I don't want to tell you right know." He goes back to his sad tone, almost whispering in my ear. "I'm afraid you'll run off if I tell you... I'm afraid something bad will happen again." He sighs. "If I say it, and something happens to me... it'll be so sad if they don't come true." He takes my hand from his chest and brings to his lips, placing gentle kisses over it. "So for now, the dreams I have about our life will just stay inside me." I look up to him and meet his golden eyes. He is so beautiful without glasses too... "Tonight might be our last--"_

"My love." You open your eyes and meet a pair of minty ones. "We're home."

"Oh." _Of course I was dreaming..._ "Already?" Feeling your neck a little stiff, you get out of the car, rushing for your bed.

"Uhm..." Saeran stumbling calls you before you could enter the bedroom. "Is there... something you'd like for lunch?"

"Ah... I'm not really--" He opens his mouth to probably question you, but you continue. "Just cook whatever you like. I'll eat later. Thank you, Saeran." You give him the most reassuring smile you manage to make for now and close the door behind you, not even waiting for his answer.

You quickly change into more comfortable clothes and finally get under the blankets, curling up and shutting your eyes. _Please, I just want to forget that this is all in the past._ You bring your legs closer, seeking some comfort, and trying to think of anything else... but the vivid images from the dream you just had don't show any signs of leaving your mind. _Did he know he'd leave me since then? But then what about the promises..._ You laugh at yourself. _Of course he knew since the beginning. I should have trusted his doubts from that dream..._

_No, that was no dream._ You know dreams are usually forgotten after you wake up, maybe even a few hours or days later. Yet this is a recurrent dream of yours, and you know why you can't forget it... _I lived it four years ago... I lived it with him._

You open your eyes before more memories from those times come back. It actually did not make any difference, since you turned off the lights. _Still, if this wasn't a bunker without windows, it wouldn't be so dark and I'll see his bedroom..._ You turn your head to his side and stare at where he used to sleep. You still remember all the times you spent together in this bed. _Why did you have to--_

Suddenly, you can see his sleeping figure, holding your hand tight. He always did it after a nightmare, begging you not to leave him. _If only I knew I was the one who should have begged you to stay, I would have done it every second we spent together..._ You reach for his relaxed face. Before you can touch him, the image is gone. You close your empty fist, letting it fall over the right side of the bed. _I still miss you so damn much..._ A couple more tears leave your eyes. You feel like your head is going to explode and your eyelids have never been this swollen from crying for what's literally been hours now...

_Oh..._ But they have. You don't remember everything that happened before you came back to this house, but you do have flashes of it. For months, you did not know what your normal face looked like. _I also had this constant headaches, didn't I?_ you ask yourself as another sharp pain hits you. You realize the more you lay down, the worse it feels, so you sit up, wrapping yourself around a blanket. You hold your legs close and try once again to think about anything except your husband.

Then your hands brush against the fabric of the blanket around you, instantly bringing you back to another sweet moment you shared...

_"Look, I know it's winter, but do we have to keep a winter temperature inside the house too?" Saeran asked him with a face that clearly showed us that he wasn't satisfied with Saeyoung's decision._

_"Oh, come on, Saeran! We have to join the Holiday spirit! It's our first Christmas together, I want us to wear Christmas matching clothes! And it can only happen if the temperature is right." Saeyoung picked them from a bag and showed him. "Look!"_

_"No fucking way I'm going to wear this..." Saeran shoved them away._

_"Let me see, they can't be that... bad--" They were. He showed me horrible Christmas matching sweaters with Santa riding his sleigh as their stamp... I instantly started laughing. "Yeah... No way Saeran is going to wea--"_

_"And another one for my dear wife!" Oh no... "Come, let's put it on!" He grabbed my hands and dragged me to our bedroom, quickly changing us into the awful sweaters. "Let's wait for Saeran in the living room."_

_"Uh... I don't think he--"_

_"Of course he will join us!" Saeyoung smiled confidently at me. And he was completely right... A few moments later, Saeran was in the living room, wearing that ugly thing as well._

_"That's the Holiday spirit!" Saeyoung's smile was so big, and his eyes so small... For a moment, I could almost see a tear behind his glasses. "Now let's take a picture!" Saeran made a disapproving sound, but came closer to us anyway._

_It became one of my favourite pictures. We three looked so silly in that sweater. But at least we looked like a happy family..._

_Later that night, we were ready to sleep, but the "holiday spirit" still had not left the house._

_"Saeyoung... It's so cold... Are you sure... you turned the heater back on?"_

_"Uh... Yeah, I did." He scratched his head, checking something on his phone. "Oh no..."_

_"What?" He didn't answer, still stuck on the screen. "What is it?"_

_"I think... I think it's broken." He looked at me with apologetic eyes. "Sorry... I shouldn't have--"_

_"That's alright... But can you... fix it? I'm fre-freezing..."_

_"Gahh, I can't let that happen!" He jumped out of our bed, walking to a drawer, picking up a thicker blanket and coming back to me. "Here." He wrapped it up tightly around me. "This will keep you warm while I'm away..." He kissed my lips tenderly, I almost wished he could stay and warm me instead... "I'll ask Saeran if he can help me fix that up faster..." His thumbs brushed my cheeks and he left._

"I'm still waiting for you to come back and warm me, Saeyoung." You whisper to the cold darkness surrounding you, the only warmth over your freezing body coming from your own tears, which roll down your face and wet the same blanket he gave you all those years ago. "Please..." You grab the cloth as tight as you can. "Come ba--"

The door opens and the sudden brightness coming from the hallway almost blinds you, making you flinch and turn away from the bedroom's entrance. Your sobbing doesn't stop, you feel like you're drowning in your own tears. The weight of the bed shifts when he sits beside you, but he doesn't do anything else. 

You take a feel deep breaths after a few minutes, trying to apologize for being such mess. "I-I'm sorry, I..." But you can't formulate any good excuses.

"It's alright--"

"No, it's not!" You scream at him, finally letting go of your comfort blanket and looking at his face. Only half of it is illuminated, but you can see him watching you with widened eyes. "It would be alright if he was still with us! It would be alright if he didn't--" Your voice gets stuck on your throat, your whole body is trembling. You clench your fists as hard as you can, your nails carved in your hands. You lower your gaze to check them as you open your fists again. You just wanted to make the pain in your chest stop. 

You slowly feel his arms surrounding you, which only makes your chuckles come back stronger. Your head falls to his chest, and you cling to his shirt, feeling your soul could leave your body any time now. _Everything hurts too much, please make it stop._ He rubs your back while you keep crying, but physical comfort is not what you want.

"Why... Why couldn't he take away my memories along with him?" He stops his consoling gesture, while you tighten your hold on his clothes. "He was so good at everything... Couldn't he... build a machine to erase my memories of him??" Your sobs are difficult to control, but you still try hard to keep talking. "Why did he have... to be so selfish? And leave me with all of these..." You have no energy to continue, too tired to even breath.

"I... I'm sorry."

"No, I..." You get away from his chest, take a deep breath and dry your tears. "I'm the one who's sorry... I shouldn't--"

"Don't worry about it. I... just want to see you happy again."

You look up to his face, and probably because of the dim light coming from the hallway, you almost trick yourself into believing he's your husband again... _No, I can't keep doing this._ You close your eyes and turn your head away from him. _I shouldn't even have started--_

"Anyway..." He clears his throat. "Let's have some lunch?"

"Thank you, but... I'm still not hungry."

"But I cooked your fav--"

"I'll eat later..." You get back under the blankets. "I... have a headache now."

"Oh... I'll bring you some painkillers then."

You look at him, but avoid his eyes. "Thank you, Saeran." You give him another forced smile.

He kisses your head before leaving and you realize nothing changed after three years. You still can't stand on your own, constantly reminiscing about the single good year of your life. You're still being taking care of by other people, who have become stronger and better versions of themselves. You're still only but a shadow of who you once was, and apparently no one will ever be able to change that... _Will you come and save me again, Saeyoung?_

You fell asleep as soon as the painkillers took effect. Saeran did not leave your side even for a moment. _Once again, he takes care of me..._ You wake up feeling a little better, but with your eyes even more swollen than before, as expected. You look up to him, sitting next to you and reading a book as peaceful as he's been for the past week.

"What... What time is it?"

He smiles when he shifts his gaze from the book to you. "It's a little past nine..."

You widen your eyes, not believing you slept for almost eight hours. "What?? Did you give me painkillers or sleeping pills??"

"Of course they were painkillers." He narrow his eyes and shift his position to face you properly. "Maybe you were just too tired because you did not sleep well the night before?" 

"Yeah..." You sit up and shake the sleep from your eyes. "You're right... I'm sorry."

"It's alright..." He puts his book away and offers you his hand. "Let's go. You should eat."

"I... I don't have any appetite."

"I knew you'd say that, so I prepared a light soup for you."

You lower your gaze, really not knowing how to refuse it. "You're too good for me, Saeran..."

"It's... It's nothing, I-I just..." You frown at his unusual nervousness and turn to him. He averts his gaze, but you noticed his flushed cheeks. "I just really care for you."

"Thank you." You whisper with a grin on your face, thinking it was kind of cute to see this side of him. _Whoever truly falls in love with him will surely be happy..._ Guilty hits you as you remind yourself that, because of your own selfish desires, you've been keeping him from finding such a person. _But why is he helping me? Wait. Actually, why is everyone else trying to help me too?_ You know they are all your friends, and friends want to see each other happy. But deep inside, you can't understand their insistence after all this time. 

_Could it be... they also got a letter?_

_No, it can't--_ When Jumin showed you his letter, you told it first to Jaehee and then Saeran. They both sounded surprised and neither said they knew about it. Yoosung and Zen also told you later on that they didn't receive anything. _Could they be lying? And if they are... What am I to--_

"Come on, let's have dinner." His cheerful voice brings you back and you lift your face to meet his. You didn't notice him walking to your side of the bed, but he is standing right next you now. He offers you his hand once again to join him for a late meal. You hesitate, still thinking about the possibility of being lied to. You know they will just keep lying if you ask them again, so there's nothing you can do about it except keep being part of their play. You take his hand and the two of you walk together to the kitchen.

As always, the table was beautifully set, except this time, there weren't any flowers on the table. Two small red candles replaced it... If today was any other day, you know this could be a _romantic_ dinner, but as things were now, it just felt... dull. The soup was delicious, though. _As were all the meals he cooks_. You eat together in silence, and somehow you are living four years ago again. Your eyes lay on the empty seat in front of you and you think of the only other person who could be attending this dinner. _How happy we'd be today if our family was once again comple--_

A warm hand cups your cheek. You look at him startled, as his thumb gently carasses your face, catching a tear you didn't feel leaving your eye. He is smiling, but the rest of his face shows you sadness. You wish you could just hug him and tell him things would be alright again. You wish you could just take his hand into yours and kiss--

You stand up abruptly, the chair making an echoing sound as it drags on the floor. "T-Thanks for the food, it was really great."

"What...? But you haven't--"

"I'm finished already. I'll go get ready for bed." You turn around and leave, feeling a little too uncomfortable with Saeran's touch and the thoughts it lead to. _I really need to stop seeing him like this..._

You finish your long bath, which was one of the best decisions after such a long day, and once you're done with your nighttime hygiene routine, there is now the decision you have to make about whether you should take your pills or not. You pick up the small bottles from the drawer and face yourself through the humid mirror, making a disgusted face when you open it to pick up your pills. Then you look at yourself again, still a little flushed from the hot bath, and focuses exactly at the cheek Saeran touched you. _His hands were so delicate, pleasant, and tender--_

Instantly, you feel a sudden heat wave all over your body, increasing both your temperature and your heartbeats. Your eyes open widely as you see your cheeks blushing even more as they were a few seconds ago. You bring your hands up, hiding your body reactions from yourself. That's when you see that shining round thing on your finger, suddenly weighing more than it should... _Oh my god. What the fuck am I doing??_

For the first time, you wonder if what you've been doing for the past few months is wrong. _If Saeyoung returns, will he forgive me?_ You shut your eyes and bring the hand with your wedding ring closer to your heart, where the wound he inflicted is still so fresh. _I should stop waiting for you, shouldn't I...?_

You open your eyes once again and see your face still red, caused by the thoughts of someone else's hand on you... _If it isn't you, then someone who looks like you..._ Then you remember what Dr. Go Sojin told you earlier today about your memories. _She's probably right. I should accept that he's only my past... But maybe I don't want to understand my present and find a path to my future. Maybe I can be happy if I live my past like--_ You open the bottle and take the medicine. _If I can't have what I want, I should be happy with what I have..._

Then you go for your sleeping pills, something you don't really have to question yourself about. Except, today you slept so much during the day already, but you still don't feel like spending another night awake and alone. _So just this once, I'll take two pills. I hope it works..._

When you leave the bathroom and walk into the bedroom, Saeran is already there. Your eyes meet as you get closer to the bed, but you quickly avert yours. You're still a little embarrassed, having those thoughts about him just a few minutes ago, but still, you lay beside him. _It feels strange._ You've done so much together already, but today it feels like you've taken a few steps back in your relationship. _Oh._ You suddenly remember... _I know why it's strange._ Ever since you've left your therapy session, you've been calling him _Saeran_. Something you never do, except during your episodes. Which means, you're also _treating_ him like Saeran. _And not like--_

"Are you sure you're okay?" He leans a little too close, and you can smell his freshly brushed teeth from his breath. "You're a little... red." He lifts his hand to touch your face and you turn your back to him.

"I'm... I'm fine." _Why is it so difficult to go back to what we were?_ "Good night..."

"Good... Good night." You feel him distancing himself from you.

Not much after he turns off the lights, you easily fall asleep, finally getting a long and deep dreamless rest.

You reluctantly wake up with someone shaking your upper body. You hear someone calling your name, but it's so distant, you can't-- _Ah, it's Saeran._

"Please... Wake up!" He keeps shaking you and calling your name. You recognize his concerned voice and open your eyes slowly, still feeling a bit too sluggish from being suddenly brought back to the awaken world. "Oh, thank god..." He's kneeling on the floor beside you, watching you now with teary eyes, but relieved expression.

You frown at him, still a little disoriented. He helps you sit up and you wonder why he chose this completely unnecessary way of waking you up. "I was probably just a little too tired, did you really have to--"

He hugs you tightly, without any announcement. You freeze under his embrace. "You fucking scared me a lot, you know that?" His voice is muffled in your neck.

_What..?_ "But I'm fine... You don't need to worry." He distances his face from you, looking directly into your eyes. You smile and nod, showing him once again that you're really alright. _Please, believe me..._ He doesn't move for a long time, still staring at you with his big mint eyes. It makes you a little too conscious of how close he is, so you come up with something to get you out of this situation. "Uhm... I need to use the bathroom..."

"Sorry..." He stands up, giving you some space to get off the bed.

"It's alri--"

It happened too fast. One moment, you were getting up from the bed and taking a step towards the bathroom. The next, you saw the floor approaching your face. If it weren't for Saeran's quick reaction, you'd probably have a broken tooth by now.

"Wow, that was close." You laugh at your silly act. "Thank you, Saeran."

"What... What is going on?"

"Oh, it's just a side effect." You explain as you recompose yourself, your dizziness leaving you, but not his arms. "It happens more often than I'd like. But you already know tha--"

"Never like this." He looks at you with a stern face.

"I probably... just didn't eat enough yesterday, yeah?" He agrees with you, but you see his eyes squeezing just a bit. He helps you walk to the bathroom and you thank him again, finally getting free from his touch and his endless questions.

You spent the rest of the day in bed. Whether because of your weakened body, or because you were avoiding Saeran, you had yet to decide. Of course, you still left for your basic human necessities, and that included the few times he insisted you should eat. Except for these moments, he might have noticed your unusual behaviour around him, leaving you by yourself. It was hard to watch his painful expressions whenever you got back to bed, when you were the one who should be in pain instead. The night before you had decided to go back to... _that_ life with him. But it seemed like you had flipped a switch in your head, making it impossible.

Night finally came. You tried to replay the same moves from the last one, which entailed a nice and refreshing bath. After you get yourself in comfortable pajamas, there's only another task left before you can go back to your comfortable and cozy blankets. Something you're not really fond of, but today you're already determined to not waste too much time dwelling on it. _There is really no use, anyway... I'll just take the pills and end--_

When you open the drawer, the medicines are gone. And not just the bottle of your pills. _All of them._ Even Saeran's and the painkillers you just saw next to yours earlier this morning. You search all around the bathroom, but find nothing. _This cannot be... I am not going crazy again!_ With your heartbeats already increased, you go look for them somewhere else.

You open the bathroom's door and Saeran is sitting on the bed, leaning on the headboard, with crossed arms and a distant face. You walk past him, noticing his distracted state, but then decide it would be faster if you just ask. _Maybe he can help me find them._

"Saeran. Uh... I know it might sound weird, because I saw them just this morning, but have you... seen my--"

"I took them." He doesn't look at you, keeping his head straight.

"What? Why??" You walk closer to him.

"MC. I know how it feels, I truly do..." He uncrosses his arms and turns to you, his expression getting softer after every word he says. "But it really isn't the solution..."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I know you've been taking more pills than you should." He looks directly into your eyes and you finally understand. He still has the same painful eyes you've been seeing on him the whole day. And it started ever since he left you alone for a few minutes while you were having breakfast. _Did he count them??_ "I'm sorry, but I'll keep them from--"

"Saeran, what the fuck? I haven't tried to overdose, okay? I just took an extra pill yesterday because I had already slept a lot and knew only one wouldn't be enough. I didn't know they would make me sleep so--"

"I'm sorry, but..." He opens his hand and show you exactly the pills you should take for tonight. Anger boils within you. _Did Jumin tell him anything??_

You take the pills from his hands with more strength than you actually needed. "You're being ridiculous! What is this? A fucking hospital?" You repeat the same words you said over a year ago. He closes his eyes as you keep shouting. "I thought I would be free when I left Jumin's house, but apparently I'm still just a--"

"Just go to bed!" He screams back, standing up and pointing towards your pillow. You recoil at his reaction, knowing fully well what could happen if you were to continue your rant...

You walk slowly to your side of the bed, lay on the pillow he just pointed to, and cover yourself with your warm blankets. He tells you "good night", you say nothing in return, and the lights goes off. You feel like hours have passed, but not a shadow of sleep is in your body. You guess it's probably because you're too upset with the person next to you, so you get up and go to the living room, with only the light of your phone's screen guiding you. You decide to not turn on the lights there either, and just lay on the sofa.

A few memories from that year come back again. This time, it's nothing specific. You just recall the way your normal life was. _No, life with Saeyoung could never be called normal..._ Every day was a different day. There was no such thing as a routine for the two of you. And the only nights you spent awake, were because you had more interesting things to do, not because of this horrible insomnia that makes you think about these things that will never come back again...

_If only you were still here... this night wouldn't be so lonely..._ You sit with your legs close to your chest, giving up sleeping for this night completely, and lay your head on your knees, tears wetting them already.

A couple of minutes pass, then you start hearing footsteps. Your heart feels like it's going to pump right through your throat. _Shit... I should have stayed in--_

"What are you doing here?" Saeran's voice echoes in the room, just a few seconds before he turns on the lights so you can see each other. As soon as you hear his voice, your frightened heart calms down and you turn your head away from its source. "Still can't sleep?"

You don't answer, keeping your face to the opposite side. You hear his footsteps again, getting closer and closer. He turns on the tv, and after a few minutes you can hear what he put it on... It's a movie you once told him you enjoyed. Like, _really enjoyed._ You can't help but start watching it.

From the corner of your eyes, you see him hesitating to sit next to you. He ends up sitting down very close, but not close enough for you to actually touch each other accidentally.

A few minutes after your favourite part, you feel your eyelids getting heavier. Saeran stops the movie and stands up in front of you.

"Come, I'll walk you to bed."

_Walk me to..?_ "No, thanks. You don't have to." Honestly, you're still a little mad at him for his decision to take your meds away, so sleeping next to him is not an option. _At least, not for tonight._

You decide to lay on the sofa, thanking him for finally leaving. When you adjust your body comfortably to get some sleep, you feel yourself floating. And it's not like that weird sensation when you're just about to fall asleep and suddenly feel like you're falling. _I'm actually, literally floatin--_

Your body hits a fluffy surface, then is also wrapped by a warm cover. When you open your eyes one last time as your consciousness allows, you see a red headed person smiling, way too close to your face. "You couldn't even walk, could you, sleeping beauty?"

_Sleeping beauty? There's only one person who calls me that..._

And you felt so safe within his arms.

\--

Life gradually returned to what it was as days passed. Eventually, you also accepted having someone controlling your drugs. In fact, it seemed even easier to take them this way... It was either on the fourth or fifth day after you met Dr. Go Sojin that you stopped with your cries completely. You started spending more time out of your bed and with Saeran, thinking less and less about his absent older brother. And it was also during one of those nights that you craved for his touch more... You unconsciously entwined your arms around the person laying on his side of the bed, and he hugged you back. You settled your head over his chest, hearing his unsteady heartbeats. He kissed your forehead and tightened his hold on you. You fell asleep together in this intimate position.

The next morning, you walked into the kitchen to another perfectly arranged table. When he gave you that sweet smile of his, you called him "my love". 

_Everything was back to normal again._

\--

When Thursday came, you were more than anxious about your therapy. Things were finally working out back at home, you didn't want to start them all over again.

You close the car's door and that's when you notice your trembling hand. You clench your fist several times with force, trying to make it stop.

"Don't worry." He takes your hand with both of his. 

Shaking too much to say anything, you look up to him. He comes even closer and you feel your temperature rising. If your heartbeats were already increased before, now they were unhealthily high. Your foreheads touch and his next words come out in a throaty whisper. "I won't leave you. Remember that."

You close your eyes, imagining him satisfying the sudden passionate flame he provoked inside you. Kissing each other lustfully while tangling your fingers in his vermilion hair, his hands exploring your body right here and--

"...MC?" You open your eyes, surprised you had completely forgotten where you are. "Let's go?"

"Yeah..." _At least I'm not anxious anymore..._ But now you had to cool down the heat you felt. You thanked it was still summer, so people wouldn't be too suspicious of your condition...

You entered Dr. Go Sojin's office feeling better already. When she asked how you were feeling today, you answered it's been quite a good day. But when she questioned about your past week, you hesitated.

"It was..." _It's better if we don't talk about it._ You sit on the edge of your chair. "I was wondering, actually. Do we really need to talk about the past?"

"I thought we had this conversation already, no?" She lifts one of her eyebrows, and her intonation makes you feel a little embarrassed to ask this again. "Well, it is not strictly necessary, but as I told you last week, this is one way to process it."

"Okay. I understand..."

"You can start talking about the good parts, instead of the ones that make you feel bad. I see last week wasn't a good experience for you." You nod, lowering your head. "It's alright... What do you want to talk about?"

_What do I want...?_ You have no idea what you could talk about and that would make a good memory. _But I need to come up with something, otherwise she will start interrogating me about what I don't want to talk about..._

"Oh, I remembered something!" Your smile involuntarily appeared.

"Good." She smiles too and gestures for you to continue.

"It was around one year ago. I think it was... the second week of August? Yes, the second." _Zen would never let us forget it._ "Saeran and I had just started our current relationship." She looks surprised.

You look away remembering what triggered that actual start of it. The stupid mistake you did a few weeks prior... _He never allowed me to call that a mistake, but that's what it was. If only I hadn't done that... If only he and Saeyoung didn't look so much alike... If only I continued--_

"MC?"

"Sorry..." You turn your eyes back to hers and continue. "So... we were still getting used to one another." _Much like what we went through this week._ But back then it took a longer time for Saeran to feel comfortable with your occasional touches. And for you to get more intimate--

"And what kind of relationship is it?" She asks with a frowned face.

"Well, we... live together. And... he's my... boyfriend." _That's not it, though..._

"Oh. What about your husband?" 

"He... he left me." You're the one to frown at her now.

"Did he?" She points to the ring around your finger. You look down and unconsciously hide it.

"It's just a ring. It's not... It means nothing..." You squeeze your fingers around it, carving its edges on your skin.

"Ah, I see... Sorry to interrupt you. Go on."

"Then..." You shut your eyes and take a deep breath, shaking your memories from your marriage away. _I'm sorry, Saeyoung._ You swallow the urge to cry and continue your story. _A year ago I was happy again_. "We received an invitation from one of our friends." You consider a moment if you should reveal another information about the RFA, but decide it seems fine, since it's his fake name. "His name is Zen. He was starring on a new show and he wanted all of us to watch him on his opening night." 

"Us? That included your other friends as well?"

"Yeah. Jumin and Jaehee too." _Well, except for Yoosung, because he had already started his military service._ "And of course I accepted it. It was the first time I would meet them since Saeran's--" _She still doesn't know they are twins._ But she doesn't need to know they celebrate their birthdays on the same day... "Saeran's birthday a couple months before, so I was happy to see them..."

_When we arrived, Saeran stopped me right before entering the theatre. "H-hey..." His hand brushed mine very briefly, he was still hesitating to touch me. "I think... We should better hide... our current relationship." I tilted my head, not fully understanding his meaning. "I... They wouldn't understand. Don't you think?"_

_"Oh..." I nodded. We got some distance between us, and walked inside. We sat beside Jaehee and Jumin, like we were just friends again._

"The show was amazing... Zen, of course, was spectacular, as always. Then we all went to the backstage door to congratulate him." You can remember it as if it happened just yesterday. Jumin's eyes on you every now and then... _Did he start to doubt us since then?_ "Zen came out after a few minutes and Jaehee, as his number one fan, was the first to talk to him. And then he came to talk to me..." You chuckle a little, remembering how tight he embraced you that night. 

_"Tell me... Did you enjoy watching me?" His smile was brighter than usual. I guessed the show must have been a success back then and I was right._

_"Of course, Zen! You made my night!"_

_"Ohh, I believe you!" He gently ran his hands over my hair and arms. He always had the ability to make me blush. "You look amazingly better tonight!"_

_When I turned away from him, too shy to keep staring into his gorgeous face, I saw Jaehee's hand over Jumin's arm, only for a split second, but it was there. I don't remember ever seeing them so close before or after that, so I just ignored it._

"I thanked him when he said I looked better. It was the first time someone commented on my appearance in over two years." _I must have looked horrible while living with Jumin..._ "He finished talking with the boys and apologized, telling us he had to celebrate with the other actors and the rest of the team, but that we should catch up later."

_We were already on our way home when I asked Saeran if I really looked better, as Zen had said. When he stopped because of a red light, he turned his head to me and watched me like I never saw him doing before._

_"You look like a beautiful healthy flower... One that just bloomed."_

Your smiling doesn't leave your face after you remembered Saeran's words to you. "I think that was when I realized I started to have a life worth living again..." 

"It wasn't worth before?"

"I-I..." _What is she implying?_ "I just meant... I was starting to feel alive again."

"You told me last time you were living with Jumin... since when did you start living with Saeran?" Her voice is genuinely curious, but you also feel she means something by that.

"Since... May, last year." You lay on the back of your sit, but feel like sinking on it.

"Oh... Wasn't that when you had your first episode?"

"Yeah, it was..." You look down to your hands, not really in the mood to talk about this subject.

"I see..." She writes something on her notebook and looks up to you again. "And how was your life worth living from then?"

"Well, after that, we only had nice days. It was very nice... Until..." A pain pierce your heart and you bring your hands to your chest. "Until the... the Seventh day came."

"That's an usual way to call it... Any particular reason?"

_His agent name..._ "Not really." She nods so you can continue. "I was actually worried it would be just as bad as the previous year... But he--" You bite your lips. "But _Saeran_ made sure I wouldn't end up in the hospital again... So I just... grieved a lot, with him by my side." You shut your eyelids with force. _We just got back to normal, I don't want to think about these moments..._

"Is it also a bad time for him?" You look at her confused. "Isn't your husband his cousin?"

"Oh. Yes, I... I suppose so." This is the first time you take time to consider Saeran's state on this day. _I was so busy thinking about myself..._

"You suppose?"

"Actually, I... I never payed attention to him during these days..."

"You mentioned he had..." She searches something on her notes. "Outbursts. Did he still have them after you started living together?" You confirm it with your head, but you wish you weren't talking about it... "Does he direct his anger at you?"

You take longer this time to answer. "Sometimes..." It's almost a whisper, but you're soon lifting your hands to defend yourself or him... You don't know until you open your mouth. "But he really doesn't do it on purpose, it's really not!"

"Of course... And what usually causes it?"

"Well..." _There are so many things..._ "I'm not really certain." You remember the first time last year was because of V's birthday... _But I can't talk about it_.

_I had woke up and casually checked my phone... I had received a message from Jumin, asking me if we'd meet at V's. Meaning, his grave... That was something Jumin and I did together since 2016, and despite not knowing V as much as him, I gladly accompanied him. Last year, I had fought with Jumin, but V still deserved our visit._

_When I asked Saeran if he was okay with me going out with Jumin, his angry-side was already in control of him... "Are you going to visit that traitor?"_

_I was scared at first, his rage hadn't been so present in my life for years. But I finally managed to bring him back... After I kissed him and told him about our new life together._

"Have you truly no idea of what might be the reason of his outbursts?" Dr. Go Sojin asks you once again. _She's never satisfied with my dubious replies._

"He... probably hates being defied." _Sounds like a reasonable answer. And a bit true, actually._

"Do you defy him?"

"What?" You laugh. "Of course not! Why would I?"

"Then who..?"

"Hm... It's probably Jumin who does it the most."

"Jumin?" Her brows arch.

"Yeah, but it's also not on purpose... I think." You sigh. "Jumin... can't seem to leave me alone." _Because of that stupid letter..._

"What do you mean?"

"He just... He says cares too much, you know?" She shakes her head sideways, not comprehending you. "Well, for example... Last year, I called him to wish him happy birthday, but he turned it into a lecture about how I should take care about myself. I spent two hours on the phone listening to his words." _He was probably drunk, but still..._

She smiled when you finished, still facing down the notebook on her lap and writing for a moment before looking up and making you another question. "And Saeran had an outburst that day?"

"It was minor, and easily controlled, but he did."

"I see..." She bit her lips, and you have no idea if what you said was weird or something else. "What other memories do you have from your good time with him?"

"Oh, too many to tell..."

"Does last year have any other ones?"

You look to the curtains behind her, trying to remember anything specific you want to talk about, but there was nothing, so you started talking about your most precious memories. "After that last outburst, he didn't have another. A few weeks later we started sleeping in the same bedroom." _I think that's when he actually was completely comfortable with our relationship._ "On December, Zen and I prepared a surprise party for Jaehee's birthday. It was very nice to spend that time together... And when this year started, I felt like my life was finally coming back together and I was living normally again, after years of only feeling pain..."

_It was the first day of 2020. A new year, and a new life. People always said "new year, new me", but that was the first time I ever felt that way. I was feeling very happy lately, but still spent the first day of the year in bed. But for the first time in years, it was for a good reason... We spent it together, making love a thousand times. I heard him say "I love you" for the first time that day too. With his lovely words and passionate touch, I remembered what being loved felt like._

"I am... glad you found a new love, MC." She closes her notebook and places it on the desk between you. "I still have a lot of questions, but unfortunately our time is up today." She walks you to the door and you bow, thanking her again for having you while being so busy. She smiles and shakes her head. "It's my job and my pleasure to help you... I'll be waiting for you next week."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear it's just a coincidence that the seventh chapter is the longest so far, with... guess what... 7k words~


	8. Secret Codes

"Today was so much better!" You tell him with a smile on your face as he drives out of the building's parking area. "I still felt a bit uncomfortable with some of her questions. But, I'm happy..." You look at him, waiting for his reaction. "I... got to talk about us." He doesn't say anything or show any signs that he's even listening to you. He keeps his face straight ahead, focusing on the traffic. You put your hand over his arm and he finally moves with a jolt.

"Oh." His eyes meet yours, but he quickly go back to face ahead. "I'm happy for you." But nothing in his expression shows anything related to happiness. You can't help but wonder.

"How about... your therapy today?"

"Fine." He shrugs, as if you just asked him how was the weather.

"Fine?" You move your body a little so you can see his full face from a better angle. And it's even worse when you do. He looks completely distant and uninterested in your talk. You try once again to talk to him. "And what else? What did you talk abou--"

"Nothing special."

You know something can't be right, or he wouldn't be acting like this at all. You approach him and put your hand once again over him. "You know... You know you can tell me anything?" He still refuses to look at you. _Please, look at me._ "Don't you, my love?"

"Can you stop?!" He frees his arm from your hand a little too abruptly, and you recoil with widened eyes, scared of what his next move might be. He notices your surprise when he turns his face to you when the car stops, murmuring a cursed word. "I-I'm sorry. I--" He turns back to face the road and grips the steering wheel with a little too much strength. "Let's just... I don't want to talk about it."

You sit back on your sit and face forward too, choosing not to say anything after his latest statement. Still, you wonder what could possibly have turned the passionate version of him into... _the version I dare not defy_. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until now, but as you recall all the things that happened ever since you met him at the waiting room, you notice that perhaps he's been like this ever since then.

A few minutes ago, you both greeted each other with a smile, walked out of there and into the car side by side, then you started talking about your session, which resulted in the present moment. _I was so worried with repeating the same mistake from last week, that I completely ignored him..._ Now, relieved that you didn't call him by his name, you reflect upon the way he's been acting.

When he smiled to you, right after you left Dr. Go Sojin's office, he did not smile _like_ you. He wasn't as relieved to see you as you were to see him. Most of the time, you didn't understand him at all, so you could probably be wrong about this... But if there is one thing that you want to believe that haven't changed in Saeran for the past three years, it's his smiles. And the one he gave you at the waiting room was a hurtful one. A smile you often saw in him when...

_Ah, how could I let it pass?_ He used to have this smile when Saeyoung was still around, though you never really understood why. You look at him from the corner of your eyes and he's paying attention to the cars ahead. He's so focused, he barely resembles the one who just shouted at you. _Oh. I think I understand why he gave us that smile._ A memory from that time comes back to you unannounced.

_I moved into their house after our honeymoon. But almost a week had passed and Saeran still kept avoiding me. In the beginning, I thought he was doing it to both of us. After all, it wasn't long since the two brothers started living together, so of course they still had to get used to this new life. But as the days passed, I noticed he was avoiding me more than Saeyoung. And I couldn't understand why. After all, I never did anything to hurt him in any way, yet he always left any room when I entered it, whether I was alone or with my husband, it did not matter._

_I eventually had to tell Saeyoung about it. It was something that was really bothering me, and I could not hide it from him. He was kind enough to say he would ask his brother about it. He also embraced and reassured me that there was nothing wrong with me. He said Saeran was still getting used to living with different people, and with time would learn to accept us. He kissed me and said that he, as my husband, was there to make sure I had a comfortable life in that house. Ha. I almost forgot about this promise of his... Was this another one he knew he was lying about?_

You laugh at your silly and useless question.

_It took him a couple days, but he finally got a response from Saeran. "I have news, honey!" He barged into our room early in the morning, making me jump from under the sheets. "Wake up!!"_

_"Oh my God, what time is it?"_

_"Around... six? But listen, listen to what I have to say!" He sat beside me with a big grin on his face._

_"Six?? We went to sleep four hours ago, Saeyoung! Why are you--"_

_"It's about Saeran." He gently helped me sit up, fixing my hair, which he also helped mess up the night before. "You'll want to hear this."_

_"Oh... Why?"_

_"He explained to me why he's avoiding you... And it's pretty noble, but a bit silly. I tried to reason with him, but you know Saeran's personality, he wouldn't liste--"_

_"Why is it?"_

_"He said..." Saeyoung placed both of his hands on mine, squeezing his fingers around it. "He feels guilty. Of all the things he did because of Rika, the one he most feels guilty about is bringing you into our mess."_

_"That's crazy! I wouldn't have met you, if he--"_

_"I know..." He embraced me so tightly that, in that moment, I thought he was afraid to lose me again. Now I know I should be the one... "I thank him everyday for allowing us to meet." He whispered close to my ear._

_That same morning, I finally managed to talk to Saeran. And I thought we had sorted it out... At least, between us._

But reality seems different than your expectations. Even after all you've been through together since that day, all the loss and trauma you both shared... _I can't believe it's not enough to strengthen the bond between us._

Shaking a little, you press your hands together. You sink into your sit, and look to sky from the window on your right side. You see a big gray cloud engulfing the smaller white ones. _It seems there is a storm approaching..._ You only hope you get home before it starts. You lower your gaze and the scenery has already changed from the downtown city to the mountainous area. Saeran has speed up too, and you think he also wants to get home before the rain. _But how will we interact once we're there? Will we walk together to the kitchen and--_

You just remembered another thing. Besides his sad smile, there was also the walk to the car. You didn't notice back then, but now that you carefully think about it, you do remember him keeping an abnormal distance from you. Not only physically, which was itself a bit exaggerated, for he was clearly trying to walk a few steps behind, but also emotionally. He kept silent all the way into the car, and even after that, until you touched him and it seemed to get him out of his bubble.

You thought you were the one ignoring him, but... _it was the other way around._ And sure, you too stayed silent, but that was only because you were trying, _and I successfully accomplished it_ , to not do the same as last week, which also meant not giving him any troubles again. _I'm not treating him differently, why did he change? Last week, it made sense when he treated me badly, because I-- Oh. But last week he didn't treat me like this, even after I wronged him._

_But was I really wrong?_ Apparently, calling him Saeran was only a mistake for you. He still took care of you, staying by your side the whole time you needed attention, and respecting your space when you asked for it. _He was always there for me, just like he promised he would be._

You turn your head fully to the left and take another look at him. He is so stressed, you can see his clenched jaw. It worries you, as much as it hurts your heart. _I can't let you suffer alone._

When you arrive at home, you have decided to do anything to make him see you're living a new life together, and there should be nothing he needs to worry about anymore... Just as he did for you.

\--

You tried. You really did. You could probably say that you have never tried and failed so many times in your life before. You tried cooking together, but he just yelled for you to stay out of the kitchen while he took care of it. You tried cooking alone and giving him snacks, he said he was not hungry. You tried giving him sweets, and he wasn't in the mood. You tried preparing a relaxing bath for him, he said he would rather take a quick shower. You tried sleeping close to him, he complained that it was too hot. The cycle repeated for the past four days. All the activities you came up with to spend the slightest amount of time together, he just came up with an excuse.

It is Monday, late afternoon, and the weather outside couldn't be any better for you to stay inside and watch a movie together. _I even prepared some popcorn, hoping I could persuade him this time..._ But exactly because of the storms, he's been spending the whole day on his garden.

"I need to protect the flowers who survived the weekend's heavy rain... it will continue for the rest of the week. Stay inside and don't bother me." He told you with a serious face, and you accepted then that there was really nothing you could do to change his mind.

He came back a few times to fetch some tools. Every time his drenched self walked in through the door, you couldn't help but wish he would have come back as his old self. _Please, next time, you have to..._ You were going crazy, thinking all the bad things that could happen if...

_No, he can't not come back to normal._ It was the fifth or sixth time he was about to go out already. You get of the sofa and stand on his way.

"Are you..." You try to control the lump in your throat, tears already spilling from your eyes as you stare at his feet. "Are you gonna leave me?"

He sighs loudly and answers you. "I'm not."

You lift your gaze to meet his, not believing his words. He watches you with a stern face, an expression you didn't want to see, while yours is a total crying mess. _We're really not in the same page anymore..._ "Then why the fuck are you--"

Your phone starts ringing, interrupting your shout and making you stare at one another. "I think you should get that." His voice is monotone as he walks past you and go back to his garden, leaving you alone to your tears.

Your first instinct is to fall down on your knees and cry your eyes out, but the ringing sound of your phone calls you. You drag yourself through the bunker house, barely managing to reach the bedroom in one piece. You did feel like crumbles of your heart were left behind at each step you took. You pick up the call without even bothering to see who's calling you through your blurry sight. You take a deep breath, but it doesn't stop your sobbing, speaking anyway.

"He-Hello?"

"Heey MC--" _Oh no, it's Yoosung..._ "Are you crying?"

You try as hard as you can to change your voice into a happier one. "Hey, Yoosung! How..." You sniff involuntarily. "How are you?"

"MC... You are crying, aren't you?" He sighs. "Don't worry, I'm almost there, you can tell me what happened."

_What?_ "What??"

"Yeah, that's why I called! I asked for a leave today and they allowed it! I'm on my way there. Probably..." You hear him asking the taxi driver in the distance. "Around twenty minutes! Open the gates for me, alright? I still don't know how to speak Arabic." He laughs and you fall on the mattress. "And don't cry, please... I'll be right there, MC!"

He hangs up, before you can make any protests.

_Shit._

A million possibilities run through your mind. _Should we talk outside? Should I tell him I'm not home? Should I invite him inside? But then there's... Oh God. How am I going to act with him here?_ Your whole body starts trembling as time passes and you can't get to decide what to do. _I had already something to worry about, and now this..._ You are sure you won't be able to pretend in front of Yoosung... Pretend that Saeran is just a friend, and that you're not sad--

"What are you doing in the dark?" He's leaning on the door frame with crossed arms. Only his profile is illuminated. It's amazing how your mind play tricks on you. The one you see is--

"We need to leave now!" You grab his hand and run to the garage. _If we leave before Yoosung comes, I won't have to lie._ It sounded like the perfect plan. But like all of your plans, it didn't work.

He easily pulls you close to him, before you can even take the third step. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Let me go!" You try to free yourself from him. "We need to leave before he arrives!"

"What? Who's coming?" He forces you to face him, and this time you see his widened and desperate eyes.

"Yoosung is almost here! Now come--" Your phone starts ringing again and you know who it is without seeing it. _Shit. Shit._ "He's here."

"Great..." He inhales and exhales deeply, and with his hands still cupping your face, he looks directly into your eyes. His look is both serious and sweet, you almost feel his normal self back again. "Okay... We've done this before. Just pay attention to your words and moves. Alright?" You nod as much as his hands allow. "I'll... try to make him go home early. Relax. We got this." He shows you a kind smile and you melt in his hands. You can't help but smile too as his thumbs brush your cheeks tenderly.

When he leans forward to kiss your forehead, you close your eyes and wish this moment could last forever, because whenever his lips touch you, you can forget about all the pain in your heart. Even the pain these same lips just caused...

"Don't worry..." He caresses you once more, then slides his hand to yours and walk you to the door. He gives you an umbrella and a covers you with a coat. "Let him in. I'll be waiting here... And we'll make through this."

"Okay..." You reluctantly let go of his hand as you walk towards the front gate.

You're still not confident enough to act in front of Yoosung. But now, you're certainly not sad anymore. And having to lie about one less thing for your friend takes a heavy weight off your shoulders.

You place your umbrella on the floor as soon as you reach the gate's structure. It just made the unlocking sound when you see it opening faster than usual and suddenly you're being embraced tightly. You look to your left side, but all you see is the back of his head, brown hair covered with a cap--

_Wait. Brown??_ "Yoo-- Yoosung??"

"Ah... I-I'm sorry!" He awkwardly takes a few steps back, looking down to his feet. Even under the faint light from the rainy sunset, you can clearly see him blushing. "It's just... We haven't seen each other in so long!"

"Yeah, we haven't..." You feel painfully guilt for this and quickly try to change the subject. "Your hair is even brown!"

"Oh..." He takes off his military cap, showing his new haircut. "I hate having it this short. I look horrible. And I can't even dye it..."

"No! You look cute this way too!"

"You think?" His face lights up again. But as you analyse him better, his cuteness is definitely gone... Out of all the RFA members, Yoosung is the one who changed the most ever since you met him. And not only his face.

"And... You also built up some muscle, didn't you?" You tease him.

"Wow, you could tell?" His flushed cheeks get even redder. "I... Yeah, I have! I mean, I'm still not like Zen, but military training is helping me get some muscles! I think I can still get more until the end of it..."

You laugh. _Yoosung will always be Yoosung. His body may get hot and handsome, but his personality is still cute._ "Don't worry, I don't think anyone can be like Zen... He's way too crazy about his body."

He laughs and agrees with you. "Anyway, I still haven't asked how you've been, MC."

"I've been good, I... I've been attending therapy on that place you recommended. I have to thank you! My therapist is very nice."

"No problem! I'm very glad to help! I just want to see you happy again with us, MC." He makes a serious face. _Oh no..._ "Are you sure you're happy here, MC?"

"Of course, I--"

"I heard you crying when I called earlier..." He takes a step closer to look at your eyes. "Were you--"

"I was..." _Here I go again._ "I was just watching a sad movie. You don't have to worry about it!" He squints his eyes. "I swear, you can ask--"

"I'm not going to ask Saeran. I'm asking you, MC." He lifts his hand and shows you his pinky finger. "Do you promise me it was only a movie?"

You instinctively take his finger in yours. "I promise!"

"Alright, I believe you!" He gives you a smile and shakes your hands together.

_That was close._ "Uh... I think we should head inside... It's getting too dark."

"Yeah." He looks up to sky almost completely dark by now.

"You can... let go of my hand, Yoosung."

"O-Oh, I'm sorry!" He pulls his hand and turns away from you. Fighting an urge to laugh at his silliness, you close the gate and you two walk together, under the same umbrella, to the bunker's entrance.

_He said he'd be here, but he isn't..._ You look around the living room, as you take off your coat. You take a few steps inside, but there is still no one.

"MC?" Yoosung calls your name, upon your sudden stillness.

"Sorry, I was--"

"Oh. Hey, Saeran." You move your head to Yoosung's face and then to where his eyes lay, the other corner of the room. Your heart, which had already increased its beats, starts calming down at the sight of him.

"Hi... I'm sorry, Yoosung. I hope you don't mind I wasn't there to meet you at the gate. I was preparing some food for us." He walks closer to Yoosung and you. His face is completely sure of what he says.

"I don't mind at all. Will you bring it to us?" Yoosung's tone is harsh. And you look at him surprised at his question. _What happened to cute Yoosung?_

"Uh... No, it's... It's not ready yet."

"Do you need any help?" You say without thinking.

"Actually, it--"

Yoosung places himself between you and Saeran, and practically screams "I can help!"

"Thanks, but... as I was saying, I already did the most part. We just have to wait now."

"Oh..." Yoosung returns to his place next to you, and Saeran keeps looking at him with one of his eyebrows slightly raised. _What is happening?_

"Uhm... Then, let's sit down." You suggest and start walking to the sofa. "Yoosung, you must be tired from working all day, are--"

He sits down faster than you can finish your question. Saeran was closer to it, so he was the first to sit on one of its ends. Yoosung, after his quick move, sat in the middle, leaving you the other end as the only option. "Yes, I am a little." He answers when you sit beside him. _What is going on with him today?_ But at least this way you won't be next to Saeran, so, in the end, he actually did you a favor.

"And how is your life there? You still haven't told me about it!" You try to come up with a subject before you think about unnecessary things.

"Well, it was okay during my first days. But I didn't know what was going to happen to me. They cut my hair, got me new clothes, sent me to a strange place... It was all expected, but still a little scary to experience at first hand, right?"

"Yeah." You let out giggle. "It sounds very scary... And do they treat you well?"

"They do! I'm not one of the youngest, but they treat me like I am, I don't know why..." He looks at you and you shrug, pretending you don't know the answer either. "During the training sessions, most of them don't let me do the worst parts. I usually don't complain, but sometimes, I want to work hard too, so I have to almost beg them."

"Oh no, it must be tiring!" You make a sad face.

"It is! It is so tiring!" You want to laugh again. Yoosung is so dramatic!

"And what do you do during these training sessions?"

"You know... The military stuff. We have to train our bodies and mind, so there's a lot of..." He stares at you, and then continue. "A lot of yelling, and we're forced to do many things we don't want. Basically, we have to become the perfect soldiers in very little time, so every day we wake up, and do some workouts. Then we have to eat fast, and walk to the camp of that day's exercise. It can be in the woods, or an open field, or even an abandoned building. Then our team will be given a special assignment. It's very hard on everyone. We have to move fast, make fast decisions, and even make sure everything and everyone is fine. I've been there for more than a year already, but my skills haven't got any better!" He laughs. "But anyway, and then there's the late night trai--"

_It's been so long ever since I heard anyone talk about this..._ You suddenly feel that déjà-vu sensation, as if you heard of this topic before. _But why? No one else I know talked to me about their life in the military..._ Yet as Yoosung continues describing his training, the sensation only intensifies.

Your eyes accidentally wander from Yoosung's face to the one right behind it. A face of someone who's been listening all this time, but hasn't said anything. He's looking forward, completely ignoring you and Yoosung, and all you can see is his profile. But still, it's a face you know too well... _Oh, of course._ It wasn't military training that you've heard about before.

_It was a secret agent's life._

Saeyoung refused to tell you all the years of struggle he had went through. But he shared with you many of his "funnier" missions. Although they did seem to be very few in comparison. _He once said he was glad his days as an informant were over... He said he'd be with me forever... He said--_

A burning sensation around your eyes brings you back to the present. You're still staring at him. _His profile is even more beautiful from here... His jaw looks so perfect. And I wish I could just touch his hai--_

"MC? Are you listening to me?" Yoosung shakes a hand in front of your sight.

You feel like your tears are going to spill any moment. _Thanks for bringing me back, Yoosung._ "Sorry, I... I was going to ask--" You can't say his name. "I was going to ask when is the food ready."

"Oh." He turns his face to you, expressionless. "I can go check--"

"I'll go!" You stand up with a jolt. "You already cooked the most part, let me do it."

"Then I'll go with--" Yoosung offers his help, but you shake your head and hands.

"Don't worry, you're my guest tonight! I'll be right back." You walk a little too fast to the kitchen and you hope Yoosung didn't notice.

Finally out of there, you take in deep breaths, holding onto the sink's edge as if you're about to pass out. _What is wrong with me? He told me to control myself and I'm screwing it up..._ You reach for a glass and fill it with water, drinking it in large gulps. _Get it together, damn it! He said he'll find a way to make Yoosung leave faster, then I can have what you want..._ You finish your glass of water and shake your desires away.

You have no idea what he's cooking, but it's probably the pot over the stove, since it's on. Using it as distraction, not only to be here, but from your feelings as well, you open it and see a beautiful kimchi. You inhale the delicious scent emanating from it, and your stomach screams. _I'm sure it tastes as great as it smells!_ You control both your appetite and the impulse to take a bite, deciding to go back to the boys and ask the real chef to check it.

"I think it's almost ready, but could you che--"

You were speechless. Never in your mind you thought you'd come back to see what was in front of your eyes. You didn't hear anything from the kitchen, so you thought they were just silent. But it turns out they found another way to interact...

Saeran has his back facing you, and you can barely see Yoosung's body laying down and facing the sofa, struggling under him. When Yoosung hears your voice, he turns his head to you and calls out your name. Saeran doesn't even move. Yoosung starts shaking, so Saeran reacts by putting more force on him.

"Get off me, you psycho!" Yoosung shouts and keeps struggling.

"Yoosung!" You scream and run to them. That's when you see Yoosung's restrained hands behind his back being held by Saeran's, who is also using his foot to keep your friend's legs in place. _This is horrible, I need to stop this!_

"What are you doing??" You push Saeran's body away, and he only wields easily because he's standing on one leg. "Are you insane? Is that what you meant by making him leave earlier?!" Saeran stumbles backwards, and you don't mind about him at this point, kneeling down and checking on Yoosung. "I'm so sorry, I wouldn't have left if I knew this would happen..."

"I... I'm okay..." You help him sit up, asking him if he has any other injures. Thankfully, there's nothing serious, but maybe his legs are going to get bruised. "Thanks, MC... And you don't need to apologize."

"Okay, but... are you sure you're okay, don't you need anythi--"

"Come with me." He takes your hand and stands up.

"What?" You frown, completely lost for words, as Yoosung starts dragging you towards the door.

"I can't let you stay here anymore... Let's go."

"But I--" You look back, and there's no one else aside from the two of you in the room anymore.

"No 'but', MC! You saw what he did to me! We are leaving!" You never expected Yoosung could be so bossy... And he was right about his military training, it was definitely giving him some results. You couldn't free your hand from his, even if you tried to use all your strength. _This must be a nightmare._

Without making any more protests, he easily walks you through the gate. The rain is very thin now, but since the sun had fully set for a few minutes already, the night is a bit chilly as much as it is humid. You bring your arms around yourself, and that's when you notice he set you free already. You hear the gate locking behind you, and that explains it. You look at him, waiting for his next move.

"Don't worry, I'm calling Jaehee to get us a car." _Oh no... this is getting out of hand._ "It will be here in no--"

"Yoosung, we should talk... I can't just leave--"

"Talk?" He walks closer towards you, anger clear in his eyes as you watch him under the gate structure's lights. You take a step back, feeling scared of him all of a sudden. "Did you not see what he was doing to me?? And you said he planned it since the beginning! No way I'm going to let you stay with that maniac!"

You bite your lips and hold yourself tighter when Yoosung insults him, reminding yourself that you too used similar words in the heat of the moment. But truthfully, you know Saeran did not mean that. _He is not like that... it's just a bad day, I swear--_

"...okay. Thanks, Jaehee. We'll be waiting." _Oh, shit._ "Our car is coming. Jaehee said it'll probably take half an hour, that was the closest spot she could find..."

You take another step back, bigger this time, and your back hits the gate. _I can't leave. He promised he wouldn't leave me. I can't leave him._ You turn around and look for the intercom so you can put your password and go back inside, but before you can touch it, his hand is around your wrist.

"Yoosung, let me go! I can't leave!"

"You're not yourself with him, MC!" He turns you around to face him. "I can't let you live a life that you're not happy wi--"

"What are you talking about? I told you I was happy!" You try to free yourself in any way you can.

"No, you're not! And he isn't either!" He is not angry anymore. He looks... sad. He opens his hand and you pull your arm to your chest, massaging the place he was holding. "Please, just come with me."

You stare at each other for a few seconds. Yoosung extends his hand for you to take, which means you'll wait with him for the car that will take you away from here. His face is much calmer now, and all you can see is his puppy eyes, waiting for you to accept his offer. But there is really just one choice for you.

"I'm sorry, Yoosung." With your fingers already typing your password, you keep looking at him. "I can't... I can't leave." You hear him screaming your name as you run through the small opening on the gate.

Your heart was already about to explode from all the chaos of tonight's events, but nothing compared to the moment when you turn around to close it and see someone is already doing it. Yoosung keeps calling for you, but all you care about is the person standing in front of your eyes. You have no idea how long he's been waiting on this side of the gate, but the fact the he is here now is enough. You launch your arms around his neck, and he embraces you just as tightly, whispering only for you to hear.

"Welcome home, my love."

_How could anyone doubt my happiness?_

Eventually, Yoosung gave up and went to Jaehee's house in the car she arranged. She also tried to call you, but you were... too busy to talk to her. The next morning, you sent her and Yoosung an apologetic message, it was surely all a misunderstanding. Jaehee was fine with your excuse, but Yoosung didn't buy it. He insisted you should leave Saeran, not only for your own good, but also his. You thought about asking Saeran what really happened while you were away when their fight started, and why Yoosung was so adamant about separating you two... But you were having such a nice time together, after so many days apart, that you dared not bring this back and put an end to your enjoyment.

\--

Hand in hand, you walk together to the entrance door. Before entering the health center, he smiles to you. But again, you notice his sad smile. You pull his hand when he was about to turn and open the door.

"Are you... Are you okay?"

He frowns, not expecting you to ask that question now. "Of course. And you?"

"Are you sure?" You squeeze your hands around his.

"You should stop asking me that." His voice gets a little louder, but it still is not exactly a shout. His face doesn't show you any significant changes either, but you feel scared anyway, pulling your hand away from him. "Shit... Sorry."

"It's alright..." You look down to your feet, not even understanding your own reaction. _That was exaggerated. Maybe I'm still too sensitive from all that happened..._ He offers you his hand again, you hesitate, but take it. He opens the door and you walk inside.

"How are you feeling today, MC?" is the first question Dr. Go Sojin makes you a few minutes later, when you enter her office. And you honestly don't know how to answer it, so you keep quiet. "Is there something bothering you?" _Is it so obvious?_

"Actually. There is, but... I'm not sure I want to talk about it."

She smiles and entwine her fingers over the desk. "We went through this before. I understand if you believe it will make you feel bad, but you will see it can make you feel better later on.. If we work on this together."

"No, it's just..." _How do I explain this...?_ "This is not about me, so I don't think it will make any difference if we talk about it."

"But it is bothering you, so of course it is about you."

"Then... It's about Saeran. I mean... about us, actually. I thought... I thought we were fine together, but I don't know what happened lately." You close your eyes, realizing that voicing it makes it seem more real. "He's been so distant. I'm afraid... He can't stand me anymore..."

"That's not necessarily true, MC. Relationships naturally go through ups and downs. Perhaps that might be the case." _Could it be? But why now?_ "I'm sure he still likes you as he did in the beginning of your relationship..." You nod, trying as hard as you can to be as positive as her. "Speaking of which, when did you start having these feelings for him?" She pushes her chair away from the desk, taking her notebook and a pen.

You hesitate to answer, a little lost with her question. _What does she mean by 'these feelings'? Does she mean concern? Does she mean your insecurities? Or does she mean our...?_

A memory comes back to you and you guess this is what she's talking about. Of course she means my supposed love for him...

"I was still living with Jumin, and..." _God, do I have to talk about him?_ But you know you can't talk about your relationship with Saeran without mentioning Jumin... "I think most of my days I was trying to... forget I was left behind, so I spent a lot of my time with him."

_From the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to sleep, I was fully engaged in thinking over what to do with Jumin. All I was doing is trying to avoid any thoughts about... Saeyoung. I even started avoiding going out and participating in the RFA chatrooms, because... someone who reminded me of him would always be there. But I knew it would be impossible to avoid them forever._

"I didn't want to go out. If could, I would have stayed in that tiny room Jumin arranged for me forever... But they were still my friends. I missed them, of course... So I could not block them from my life forever..." _Not for this one person alone_. "At least that's what I kept telling myself. But when the day of our meeting arrived, I could not bring myself to go out."

_Jumin kept knocking on my door, pleading me to go with him. Of course I refused... He then said something that broke my heart. "They miss you." But my answer was still no. He then asked me something which I had no answer for. "They will ask me why. What will be my response?" And, back then, I hated putting him in an uncomfortable position that was supposed to be mine._

"Jumin eventually convinced me. He said... I shouldn't worry about spending too much time there, that we could get back any time." _His reassuring eyes were the ones to convince me, really..._ "We went to a fancy restaurant he reserved only for the RFA. At that moment I didn't know what was the occasion."

"Do you know what was it now?" She asks you without taking her eyes off her notes.

"Yeah. It was..." _Oh God, how do I talk about this?_ "It was a friend's birthday! Now I remembered..." She nods, probably not noticing your nervousness. "So, when we got there, Zen and Jaehee had arrived, and they were talking about Zen's career. I felt relieved to know nothing had changed."

_For a moment, that was exactly what I missed. I looked to Jumin and thanked him in my head for bringing me there. I guess I missed my friends' enthusiasm about these mundane things so much and I didn't even know. He seemed to understand my message with only one glimpse of my face. I actually loved this new ability we acquired to understand each other just by looking at each other's faces. Jumin had a reputation of a difficult person to get to know, but after more than a year together, we understood each other so well..._

_But our afternoon was destroyed when Yoosung and Saeran walked into the room. At that moment, I felt like I was under a spell. His face was hypnotizing me. I just could not stop looking at his pale cheeks... his perfectly angular jawline, with a delicate chin and small pointed noise..._

_Or maybe... No, definitely. It was definitely the red._

_Unlike his previous self, this Saeran wore sweaters of light colors, and I hadn't seen him in months... That made me forget how his clothes only made his red hair brighter. I could not take my eyes away from him... Until a ball of yellow strands jumped into my vision, smiling and shouting about something._

"When Yoosung and Saeran arrived, I wasn't comfortable anymore. Yoosung was the only one to greet me..." _And break me from my hypnotic state_. "Oh, Yoosung is another one of our friends. And he was the reason we were there too. It was... his cousin's birthday."

_Yoosung showed us a letter he got from Rika. He was so excited because they were usually written by her caretaker, but that time, she wrote it by herself. It was very messy, and it did not say much... I only remember that she could not talk yet, but could write a little. She also said that she missed us all. Yoosung then said that he was the one who asked Jumin to gather us that day, for it was Rika's birthday, and that we should celebrate her recovery together._

"Saeran didn't take it very well and excused himself from the room. I guess it reminded it him of..." _Rika's torture._ "His own cousin."

_Everyone went silent. Jaehee said maybe he needed some time alone. Zen said maybe he neeed someone to talk. Yoosung agreed, saying I should go. I refused, obviously. Yoosung said something about him feeling lonely after I left the house. But still, I didn't want to go._

_Then Jumin whispered to me "It's just a talk... I'll be here waiting" ._

"I went to talk to him, after all the encouragements I received, I couldn't stay and do nothing..."

_I thanked Jumin and went to the varanda, where I found Saeran breathing heavily, with his back facing the streets a couple stores down._

_"Saeran, I--"_

_"Go away."_

_"Do you... want to talk?" He laughed at my question, and refused to face me._

_"You've been avoiding me all these months. What's the use in talk now?" I didn't answer, because I knew he wasn't wrong. "Are you dating Han Jumin now?"_

_"Excuse me??" I've never felt so offended in my entire life._

_"It looks like you forget about everything when you're with him."_

_"How dare you suggest that? You haven't seen anything!" I walked closer to him and almost started screaming for him to look at me. "How awful and painful my life have been--"_

_"You're right, I haven't... You didn't allow me to do so! You've been ignoring me, my messages and all of my calls... Do you know how much I worried?"_

_"I... I didn't know--" I started crying when he started screaming._

_"Of course you didn't! You have forgotten all about me too!" He finally turned around, but I could barely see him through my tears._

_"No! That's not... That's not true!"_

_"Then don't do the same as that fucking asshole and leave me too!"_

_"I-I'm sorry... It's just... It's been too hard..."_

_"Yeah." He scoffed, like he meant a million things by that. "I know."_

_He turned his back to me again, and the sun reflected on his red hair. His strands were more vermilion than usual, the breeze making it look so lively. Without realizing I ran towards him and hugged him from behind, laying my head on his back, I locked my arms around his hips._

_He froze with my sudden movement, but did not say anything. For minutes, I just enjoyed the shape of his body next to mine... Then I looked up, and the red strands were moving with the wind... The familiar pain in my chest were suddenly increased a hundred percent. And the first time I ever said those fateful words to him was that afternoon._

_"Please, don't leave me."_

_He turned around and embraced me back, returning the words to me as well._

_"I will never."_

_That's when I started seeing him differently. And it hasn't stopped ever since... But I can still remember the first time as if it was--_

"MC?" Dr. Go Sojin's voice interrupts your inner monologue. "Are you still with me?"

"Ah. Sorry, I was just... trying to remember."

"And what did you come up with?"

"Well, I... I went to talk to him. We argued, but eventually made up. Then I hugged him. That's when I noticed I..." _I couldn't possibly explain this._ "I liked him."

"You liked him?" She frowned. "And what else did you feel?"

"I don't remember... It was so long ago." You avoid her question and her gaze.

"When was it?"

"Two years ago. It was early November..."

"Oh. You told me you only started living with him..." She flips the pages from her notebook, then turns to you again. "May, last year, is it correct?" You nod. "And then your relationship started a few months later... Why it took so long for you to stay together?"

"It's... it's complicated." Jumin's fault, mostly. But still, complicated...

"Of course..." She smiles, and you're not sure she's being honest or sarcastic. "May was also when you had your first episode. Do you remember what happened when you started living with Saeran?"

"Yes. I do... It was right after I got discharged from the hospital. Jumin came pick me up." You chuckle. "He honestly believed I wanted to go back to his house and not Jaehee's. Still, neither of us said anything on our way there."

_When I got into my room, although it was in an entire apartment separately from his, it just felt everything was too much Jumin. Every little detail reminded me of him. From the big queen sized bed, to the little bedside lamp, and the light blue curtains with cherry blossoms... Even the clean gray carpet and the basic white wallpaper. They were all so full of my memories with Jumin. It was all so full of... fake happiness. I sat alone in that room, remembering all the lies I believed from him._

_And then I remembered the last time I saw Saeran too, a few months ago. He too had promised me a new life, a way out of this house of lies. His touch on my face was so warm that day, that I couldn't help but blush every time I recall it, whether it was that day, a year ago, or today._

"I couldn't stay for too long at Jumin's. So I started packing as soon as I arrived... I was decided to leave Jumin's house and his life." She stops writing and looks at you, curious. "When I entered the living room, I wasn't expecting, but Jumin was there." But I should have expected, shouldn't I? We knew each other so well...

_"Where are you going this time?" He was standing on the door's way, I couldn't exit the apartment even if I ran._

_"I don't want your help anymore, Ju--"_

_His arms were around me before I could finish his name. It was very slightly, but I could sense him trembling, so I hugged him back, just to comfort him._

"Thankfully, he just wanted to tell me to take care of myself. I said I would, and he let me go after I returned his keys."

_"Oh, and one more thing." He stopped with his hand on the doorknob._

_"Geez, will you just let me--"_

_"I trust you, MC. But if you're ever in danger or suffering, I won't hesitate to bring you back. I hope you--"_

_"Yes yes, I trust you too..."_

"He kept looking at me with his pleading eyes, clearly asking me to stay. But I just took my things and left... I called Saeran and my new life started."

"And where did you go exactly?" _It's true... I don't remember explaining to her that I still live with him in the same house I did before..._

"Well it's... Our current house, the address is on that form." _I hope she can't detect lies._

"Oh... And how was your adaptation to that new place?"

_If only she knew... But I guess I could say that it was a new place, after all, being two years away can change a place..._ "It wasn't so difficult. Saeran is fascinated by flowers, so his garden was the first thing he made sure I was acquainted with. It is very colorful and it smells amazing. It has all kinds of flowers, and I still don't know how he remembers all of them..."

_I still remember my very first night returning to the bunker... He helped unpack and then we cooked dinner together. Later, I was just preparing myself to self to sleep when knocked on my door, asking me if I really wanted to sleep in my old bedroom. I remembered I looked around and... I saw Saeyoung everywhere, but I thought that was just what I needed, after a week on the hospital. So I said I would be just fine... He said okay and left._

_I lay down on my side, facing the pillow of my husband... Of course I cried myself to sleep that night, or maybe I only slept because of the sleeping pills. When I woke up the next day, I was alone again, which made me cry once more. I curled up and couldn't bring myself to get up, just remembering how much, after two whole years, I still missed him._

"But even in a... new environment, I was still having the same attitude. Saeran was very patient with me. He found me crying in my bed until late in the morning, and as gentle as he is, he accompanied me..."

_"I'm sorry, you were not responding, so I had to--" He stopped talking when he saw me crying. "Shit. I shouldn't have left you here."_

_"It's... It's okay. I slept... I take sleeping pills... But I just... can't bare to stay awake. It hurts too much." I said between my hurtful sobs._

_"It will be better... But for now, you should eat."_

_"I will. Later..."_

_"Then I will wait for you."_

_"Thank you..."_

_"I will always stay beside you."_

_I smiled to him and felt better already just because he said that to me._

"After a few days, I got a lot better, but was still feeling sad... I also think I had some episodes during the following weeks." _Which I made Saeran promise not to tell anyone, and especially not Jumin. I didn't want him taking me away from that house._ "Still, I was good enough to even prepare a party."

"A party? How was it?"

"It wasn't that big, I only invited our closest friends again... Except for Yoosung, he was already on the military this time." You sigh, remembering Yoosung's farewell party. _The last time me and Jumin were friends..._ "Anyway, Saeran didn't want this, but I said it was nonsense not to celebrate his birthday. I even baked a cake! It was Jaehee's recipe, of course..."

_Zen was the first to arrive. And he notice there were a few things missing since the last time he came._

_"Oh, I destroyed them." I casually explained to him._

_He tried to change the subject, ever so nicely, but I said it was okay, that I already felt better about it. He told me that was good, "as long as I was happy", and all I could answer is that I would get there. He embraced me and I returned the warming gesture._

_Right at this moment, the door opened. Jumin and Jaehee arrived. As always, Jaehee was polite enough to apologize for being late, explaining they had a meeting. I said it was okay, she didn't have to apologize. I also noticed the look on Jumin's face for Zen, but tried to ignore. I never really understood their bickering..._

_When I greeted him, he asked me how I had been. I said I was fine, lying as best as I could. When his reply was "Honestly?", I just said "Honestly" too. He hummed and our conversation ended there._

_I dragged Jaehee to the kitchen, to show her the cake I had baked. But she too asked me how I was doing when it was just the two of us. I didn't need to lie to her. I told her I was still getting better. She gave me her sad face, and said she worried about me. I thanked her, but then she added the words only I understand the meaning, "We all do". I sighed and said I knew that too, but that day was supposed to be about someone's birthday, so we went to celebrate it._

"It was a very nice party. I had so much fun with my friends. But it only lasted a few hours... When they went home, and I was alone... I got worse again."

_I was cleaning the living room when a fork fell under the sofa. I struggled a little, but finally reached it. Except, it also got something stuck on it. It seemed a piece of a toy. Then I remembered what it was. It looked exactly like the ears from the robot dog he built, the one that spit fire... I sat on the floor crying and remembering it..._

_Saeran came back from the kitchen and sat beside me, asking me what happened. I looked at him, and with my blurry eyes, all I saw was a red headed person beside me... I launched your arms around him and sobbed, screaming for him not to leave me. He once again said he would never._

"Saeran repeatedly showed me that he was the one to stay by my side and ease my pain... I hugged him again this time, and, of course, it was much more intense than the first time." _Or maybe it was exactly like it..._

"And what did you feel this time?"

"I felt safe, since I was really starting a new life with him. We still hadn't started our relationship yet, but..."

"What does it mean a new life for you?"

"Free from my pain, I guess..."

"What does cause your pain, MC?"

"It's..." You take a deep breath and sit on the edge of your sit to answer this. "It's the absence of my husband."

"Right..." She closes her notebook and you know your session is coming to an end. "I will give you an exercise until next week. You will have to write on a journal every time you feel you miss your husband and think about him. You don't have to explain much, just mark the time, and what you were doing."

_Then it'll be to be too many times..._ "Okay. I'll do it.'"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This had 4k words last week, I don't know how it more than doubled... Still, I refused to break into two chapters.
> 
> I just worry that, if it keeps going on like this... my last chapter will be like 50k lol jk 
> 
> unless...
> 
> Nah, I'll split into two chapters IF the word count reaches 10k. Until then, I hope you guys enjoy these long chapters!


	9. Struggling with Love and Promises

You shut the car's door, expecting another silent drive home. But surprisingly, that wasn't the case.

"H-hey, uh... I--" You turn your head to the left, and see the struggle in his eyes to whatever it is he has to say. "I-I should... No. I mean, I am sorry. I'm sorry I have... been a nuisance. To you. Lately." You widen your eyes. _Not what I was expecting at all._ "It's just... I was upset about something my therapist said last time, and I ended up taking out all my frustration on you. I'm... really sorry." _I knew it was because of this._

"It's alright... I understand." Saeran smiles, relieved that you responded so well. And, honestly, you really did understand him. You knew he wasn't someone to openly talk about his problems, unless he really felt like it. _I wished he was, though... Maybe it could have saved us both from all that trouble._

But it was never going to happen. No matter how many times you noticed the slightest change on his behaviour and tried to make him talk, he wouldn't voice his hardships. _Not until things got this bad at least..._ You sigh, looking down to your hands and covering your ring with your other hand. _I guess it's just another thing they have in common._

_Oh, right..._

You open the notes app on your phone, since you have no writing materials around, and start your... assignment. _As if I needed any more proof that I think about him every moment of my life._ You mark the time and, like Dr. Go Sojin suggested, you're very concise about what you're doing, so you just type "going home from the health center".

_This is going to be a long week..._

\--

You didn't think of it when you accepted to do this, but you should have. _It was so obvious, how could I not notice it?_ And it's something that is really making you want to quit this challenge, exercise, or whatever Dr. Go Sojin called it.

It's Friday night, so it's been a little more than a day since you opened that note. You already have far too many entries on it, as expected... You also decided to keep using your phone's notes app, as most of the time you were next to Saeran. You guessed he would probably start questioning you about why would you be writing something down on a paper. And here comes the problem for you.

It was fine in the beginning. You just wrote as many times as you thought of Saeyoung, it didn't seem that troublesome. But as time passed, and especially today, it became harder to spend your time with him while having to do this.

_It's not... It's not like I wasn't doing it before. Thinking about Saeyoung while I'm with him. Of course I'm aware of it. I've been doing it since the first time I said those words that were not meant to him... And except for last week, it's not hard to do it... But it's just... It's harder now that I have it rubbed in my face how often I do it._

You run through the past entries and check that you really tried to be very brief about what you were doing. _Having lunch, reading a book, looking at an old picture, laying on the sofa, watching a movie, having dinner, taking a shower, laying in bed, having breakfast..._ Not once you mentioned Saeran. _Will she know he was with me? What will I tell her if she ask--_

"What're you doing?" He leans on you with his hair still a bit wet. You've been waiting for him to finish his shower, but didn't hear or even noticed him opening the bathroom's door and sitting in bed next to you, too absorbed in your own thoughts.

"N-nothing, I was just waiting for you." You quickly lock your phone so he won't see what you've been working on. He distances himself and raises one of his eyebrows. "It's... true, it's really nothi--"

"You've been using your phone a lot ever since yesterday... Who are you talking to?"

"What? I'm not talking to anyone!" He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. You know this means he's trying to control himself. And you can only say the truth to prevent him from starting an outburst. "I swear! I'm only... My therapist asked me to... do something."

"Something?" He watches you with curiosity now.

"Yeah, but.. it's nothing serious."

He closes the distance between you, and your reflection is to get away, his mint coloured eyes so cold over you, but you stay still. "...Okay. I trust you, my love." He smiles with an innocence that melts your fears away. It's a smile you like to see on him so much. _It's so honest and pure..._ He lifts his hand to touch your face, but you shield yourself with yours and stop him. _I can't lie to him._

"Actually, it is something..." You close your eyes while saying this. You can't bear to see the moment you ruin his good humor again. "She asked me to write down every time I think of... Saeyoung."

There is a long moment of silence. It probably lasted a few seconds, but while you kept your eyes closed, you could swear it lasted for hours. Because Saeran doesn't say anything, you open them. But as soon as you see him, you instantly regret it.

He has his hand still hovering in the air, from when you stopped him from touching you. It's like his body stopped working, frozen in spot. Except for his face. His expression has changed completely from the one he showed before you closed your eyes. His smile was now gone, what is left in it's place is a small opened mouth, like his jaw is hanging with surprise. But when you see his eyes... You're not sure what to think of it.

His brows are furrowed, and your first guess is that he's angry at the mention of his brother, as this is clearly another sign you often see on him during his outbursts. But then... You look into his eyes. And you don't sense neither surprise nor anger from the way he's staring at you. That's the worst thing, you have no idea what it is... but it's worrying you.

_I fucked up again, didn't I?_ You look down to your phone, regretting your decision to tell him. _But for how long would I be able to hide?_ You sigh and put it on the bedside table, deciding you should maybe stop writing so much in front of him from now on. _We should enjoy our time..._ You take his hand exactly to do so, thinking this would bring him back and show him that it doesn't change anything between you two.

"You don't... don't have to worry about it." You lean forward and kiss his lips, still partly opened. _Please, don't let this end the plans for our night._ You kiss his jaw, and before you can move to his neck, he puts his hands on your shoulders and pushes you away.

"I'm sorry. I'm not in the mood." His face is completely void of any expression now.

"But we--"

"I'm afraid I'll hurt you." He gets up and leaves the bedroom, shutting the door loudly on his way out. You couldn't change his mind once again.

"Come back..." You whisper, bitter tears leaving your eyes. _Please._ Your hands grip the sheets around you and more sobs erupt.

You curl up and try to convince yourself that he made the right choice. _It never happened before, and I do respect him for noticing he would hurt me..._ But he also never left you alone this way when you were practically begging for him to reciprocate your shameless desires. You look to the right side of the bed and reach for his pillow.

_Saeyoung never made me feel this lonely._

You cry harder, realizing you'd never even be in this state if he was the one who hadn't left you.

This time, you refuse to add on the notes. _This is too personal, I don't even know how to describe what I'm doing right now..._ So you turn your back to his side and try to sleep. It's the only way you can deal with this situation without going crazy thinking about your absent husband.

After shedding a few more tears, and taking tonight's pills, which Saeran left on the bedside table before showering, you eventually fall asleep. And yet, you wake up in the middle of the night shaking with a coldness sensation that no blanket could fix. After all, it's caused by the void inside your chest, nothing from this world could touch it.

But soon you're warming up again, with his steady arms around your torso and his hot body supporting you from behind. You want to turn your head and look at him, but you feel like everything will vanish if you just open your eyes, so you stay still and accept this is merely an hallucination.

But you were wrong. When his warm breath hits your ear, you know he's really with you. 

"Don't worry... I am here now, my love." He whispers, then kisses the back of your head as gently as he always does.

You take his hands and entwine your fingers with his, pulling them close to your chest. He holds you tighter and you feel happy again. 

_Thank you for never leaving me._

He fills your void and warms you up, and you couldn't help but fall asleep smiling this time.

\--

As per his request, you try not to worry too much, and that includes overthinking about your task. You both try to ignore it as much as possible, and then it almost become a mechanical act by the end of the next day. When Sunday came, it just got natural for you to write, while also enjoying the attention you received from the one next to you, something you were grateful for having back to its normal. But the frequency you added a new entry to the app certainly did not decrease either... _It's impossible not to think of Saeyoung here._ And that, you noticed, was completely different from your life in Jumin's apartment, when your goal was to forget.

But you were trying not to worry... He was beside you this time and that was all that mattered for you.

You were sharing a delicious dinner together, which he had prepared and you just clumsily tried to help him between your kisses. It was a perfect evening, when suddenly, you both are surprised by your phone's ringtone echoing through the hallway. You hesitate to leave, but he says "no one would call on a Sunday night if it wasn't that important". After a couple of small kisses of his on your hands, you run to your bedroom with a heavy heart. You didn't want to leave him alone before finishing your meal...

You had no idea who could possibly be calling you, but you certainly did not expected it to be Zen.

"Hey, Zen!"

"Good evening, babe! How are you today?"

"I'm great, actually! And you?"

"I'm so glad to hear that! I'm good too..." He sighs a bit too loud, and you were wondering why until he says his next words. "It's been so long since we met, MC. You disappeared on me..."

_Oh shit. I really forgot--_ "I'm so sorry, Zenny! I've been so--"

"Ahh, if you keep calling me that, all is forgotten, honey!" You blush at his teasing voice. Even through the phone, he's able to do this with you... "I'm sorry to interrupt! You were just so cute right now, I couldn't hold myself back."

"It-it's okay." You laugh, trying to hide your embarrassment. "Anyway, I've been so focused on therapy that I completely forgot about telling you about it. Forgive m--"

"Nah, don't worry about it. I knew you could do it, babe! And even if you didn't want it... I'll always be cheering for you from afar. I hope you know that."

"Yes... I do." _It's so comforting to know I have him by my side..._ "Thank you so much, Zen." 

"Don't mention it. I only want the best for you."

"Thanks..." You feel your blushed cheeks getting warmer and try to change the subject. "How about you? How have you been doing lately?"

"Ohh, I have something new to share too! Do you remember when we met I was talking about some directors inviting me?"

"Yes, of course!"

"So... be prepared to receive some invitations for my newest musical soon! I still can't say much about it, but I'll definitely let you know as soon as they allow me to disclose the info!"

"That's great news, Zen!!" You almost jumped from the excitement. "I'm so excited to see you shining on stage again!"

"Thanks, babe! And I can't wait to see you shining like last year too!" _Am I not?_ "Oh, it's getting late. I have to go practice my lines now for tomorrow's rehearsal! I'm sorry, babe..."

"It's alright, Zen! Good luck tomorrow!"

"Thank you! Let's see each other again soon, okay?"

"Yes, of course!"

"And..." He hesitates for a few seconds before continuing with a tone so much different than the one he's been using so far. "Please take care, MC. I really... I mean, we really care about you."

"I... I will, Zen. Thanks for worrying. You take care too."

"Always do!"

The call ends and you think a few minutes about it. He was so cheerful and flirty at the beginning of your talk, but when he asked you to take care of yourself... _He sounded so sad._ But as you recall the contents of your conversation, you really have no idea why he would call you right now. Of course you haven't been in touch lately, so he probably just missed you. _And he also wanted to tell me about his new work..._ Even though he didn't tell you much.

And you did not lie to him. You truly are excited to see him on a new musical. Along with Jaehee, you became his fan after watching so many of his performances on her DVDs. _Actually even before that, I was already cheering for him. Because I admired all of his hard work to make him famous..._ You look to the ring around your finger and smile, despite the sadness in your heart. _He would love to see how far Zen has come..._

Taking a deep breath, you open the notes app to write down the time and "talking with Zen", so you can leave your phone and go back to--

You receive a message from Jaehee while you're writing it. You tap on the notification and it's a short, but meaningful message.

_Jaehee: Hello, MC. How are you doing lately? Today I baked your favourite cake. The one we also baked together when you used to live with me, do you remember? It's been so long since we had that much fun. Just the two of us. I hope you're still enjoying your afternoons as much as back then... But what do you think about us cooking together one of these days? I do miss you dearly... I'm very proud and happy to have a friend like you, and I hope we can meet again soon. Please take care. (8:36 p.m.)_

Before you can answer her, you get another message. This time, from Yoosung. You tap on the notification before it disappears, expecting a short one just like Jaehee's, but it's exactly the opposite.

_Yoosung: MC... I'm sorry about what happened that day. I mean, I still think you should leave that house but since I can't seem to change your mind, I guess I'll just have to deal with it, right? It's so funny... I feel like time has stopped and I'm still the 21 year old Kim Yoosung who can't do anything about his cousin who suddenly died. Except this time it's all different, because it's you, and I know about everything, but I still can't save you... Sorry, I just think you should know... Anyway, how are you? I hope you haven't cried again. You deserve all the happiness in this world, don't let anyone convince you otherwise! I hope you also reach out to us more whenever you feel down... RFA members will always be your friends! Oh, I just remembered. I can't believe tomorrow will mark a week since I last saw you. I already miss you so much... I'll try to get another leave soon! But don't worry, I'll let you know in advance so we can spend our time doing something fun! Until then, keep taking care of yourself! I'm very happy that you started psychotherapy, and I can't wait to see you feeling better... Don't give up! Byee~ (8:38 p.m.)_

You finish reading it and smile at your phone. You were very glad for his message, and although it was a bit uncomfortable at the beginning, soon you could feel his concerns for you, reading through the end of his words with a peaceful feeling inside you. _Thanks, Yoosung..._

Before you actually answer him, you go back to Jaehee's message box to reply hers first. You read it again, and realise you can't express enough in words all the gratitude you feel for all your friends... _talking... to me... at the same... time?_ Your smiling face turns into a frown. _That's weird. First Zen's call, then these messages... It almost feel like they're conspiring to make me feel better._ You nervously pace around in the room looking down at your phone's screen. _But why would they--_

You see the date right above Jaehee's message and your knees falter. You quickly reach for the drawers, but it's too far, your hand barely brushing the furniture, while you slowly descend to the floor. _No, it can't be..._ You look at your phone again, certain that it's just your mind playing tricks on yourself. But your fears are confirmed. _It is tomorrow... September the Seventh._ You let your phone fall to the floor, bringing your hands to your chest and trying to keep a steady breathing before it gets out of control. Your heartbeats, though, are already too loud for you to listen to the person who seems to be saying something in front of you.

_Oh... he's calling my name._

He lifts you up on his arms, carrying you close to his chest, then carefully places you in your bed. He takes your hand and you feel your senses coming back to normal again. Strangely, there are no tears leaving your eyes this time. You look up to him and see him perfectly well, no blurry effect altering your sight. You can see his mint eyes watching you with worry.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let you take that call." He apologizes and you can almost hear his voice cracking, as if he's the one who's about to cry.

You want to say that it wasn't Zen's fault. That it wasn't any of your friends'. _They were just trying to cheer me up_ , you want to say. But you only shake your head. Because that would sound like you were not having a nice time with him already... _And I was. They just... didn't know and made things worse._ But still, they are your friends and you want to thank them later. You know they had your best interest in mind. _It's just... my own best interest is right in front of me._

You're so thankful for his presence in your life, and you couldn't ask for more than everything that he already does for you... Your appetite is completely gone, but you still force yourself to get up and finish the dinner he cooked. He says it's alright if you don't want it, but you insist.

When you sit at the table together again, you see that he hasn't finished his meal as well. "I've been waiting for you", he says with a gentle smile. You reach for his hand and thank him. It makes him happy that you got back. _And as long as he is happy, even if it's fake, it's enough..._ He squeezes your hand in return. _It means I'm repaying him with the same happiness he gives me..._ You eat in silence, but without letting go of your joined hands. _And it means he won't go away._

With him by your side, you achieve to continue a relatively normal life the next day. And for the first time since you moved back in, you tried to ignore thoughts of your husband. The problem, really, wasn't exactly thinking about Saeyoung. You do it all the time, and quite literally. The exercise Dr. Go Sojin asked you to do this week kind of proved it. But there was only one thing that you have not and probably will never learn how to deal with. And that is the fact that he left you... You hate being reminded of it.

You couldn't stand staying inside the bunker, where everything reminds you of that morning, when you woke up and... he changed the life of your dreams into a nightmare. You look up to sky, hoping the sunlight will stop the tears from leaving your eyes, but it's useless. You let them fall, and embrace the warmth coming from the Sun, wondering if one day you will ever stop crying and feeling this cold because of Choi Saeyoung.

Saeran sits next to you on the bench, holding your hand, but neither of you says anything. You keep looking to the sky, distracted by the floating clouds, while he keeps his eyes on the few flowers that were still blooming in the garden. The Sun was already about to set when you finally decide to talk, your sobs completely gone, but the puffy eyes you have couldn't deny how long they lasted.

"Do you... Did you know Saeyoung would leave you again?" You look at him, and by the disgusted face he makes you already regret saying his brother's name to him. But he turns his head to the sky above your heads and answers you.

"When he saved me four years ago, I honestly trusted that he wouldn't. But deep inside..." He turns to you again, who've been staring at him all this time. "I had my doubts."

He has a serious expression, and you know he's not saying this out of hatred. You nod, accepting his opinion, and look down to your locked hands. _Maybe we were never meant to have a long--_

"That was so much like him..." His low voice calls your attention to him again. He's looking down to his feet, smiling and shaking his head. And for a moment you wonder if he's really talking about Saeyoung. Saeran never looked so peaceful when he was the topic of your conversations.

"What... What do you mean?"

"Uh... nothing." He frowns and gets up. "Come, let's go cook dinner, my love." He offers you his hand, but you don't take it.

"Sorry, I... I'll be right inside." He nods at your words, understanding your hidden message, asking him to leave you by yourself.

"Oh. Okay..." He turns around, and you can notice him hesitating to leave you for a few seconds.

When he's gone, you look one last time to the setting sun, as red as his hair, and remembers his fear of being forgotten by you. 

"I don't think I can't ever forget you, Saeyoung... How could you even doubt that?" You take off your wedding ring and lift it up closer to your eyes, reading his name carved on the inside of the band. "Are you satisfied now? Having all my chances of happiness destroyed?" You close your fist around it and bring it close to your heart, breathing in the last moments of this day as you watch the sky getting darker and darker.

That day, it was hard to mark on the journal _when_ you thought about him, so you just decided to write 'The entire Seventh'. And it definitely wasn't an overstatement.

\--

Another day on this same week is just as meaningful to you as the Seventh. It's a day that symbolizes many things, actually, and you still haven't figured out what to feel about it even after four years.

You wake up feeling a bit better than yesterday, but a lot better than the day before. Through the half-opened door, you can hear your breakfast being prepared by him. You stretch your arms and legs, ready to leave your bed and start your day next to him, when your phone's notification sound startles you.

But there is no new messages nor emails... It's a notification from the calendar app, and you think you probably might have set your therapy's appointment on the wrong date, because today is Wednesday and--

_Oh._ You didn't set any appointment for today wrongfully. _It's V's birthday._

You keep staring at your phone, as your tears flow unconsciously and fall on top of your screen. You can't help but recall the time when this reminder was set.

_During his funeral, we all were still deeply moved and shocked by everything that happened that day. Some of us praised his character. Some of us honoured all the good things he did for them. Some of us forgave him. Some of us plead for him to live well in the after life. Some cried. Others smiled. But there was one... All I could see in those grey eyes was hatred. I had only met Jumin a few days before, and even though I knew his personality through the chatrooms, I had never experience it in person. Unfortunately, it was also on the same day I witnessed him losing his own best friend. And because of how it happened, I had to lie to him about what I saw._

_Less than two months later, I got a strange invitation from him. I remember it was late into a Sunday night, but he called me and invited me for lunch. Not for the next day, or the other. But the following Friday. I still remember that, when I told Saeyoung about it, we made fun of 'CEO-in-line's tight schedule'... Interesting enough, it was also on the eve of my lunch with Jumin that this very same Saeyoung insisted we should be marrying two weeks later. I always thought he was just being jealous of me, because Jumin invited me and me alone, so he wanted me to tell Jumin I was going to marry sooner than everyone expected. And after all these years, all I want to believe is that he also wanted to leave me as a married woman when he decided to go away from our lives... But I know these are all silly wishes of mine. Perhaps he just married me out of pity._

You breath in and out loudly and shake these miserable thoughts away, as you add another entry on the notes app.

_I met Jumin at the address he sent me five days prior to our actual meeting. It was a fancy Italian restaurant, and I was naive to assume it would be anything less expensive than that. We didn't talk much during our meal. He told me some news about his job, as I told him some uninterested facts about my daily life, and that was it, we were leaving. I thought he really just wanted to have some time away from his serious life, a meal with someone who wasn't a business partner, and then we would go our separated ways. Then, after we had just said our goodbyes, he grabbed my arm, turning me around to face him again. That was the kind of physical contact I never expected from him, and I reacted as such, pulling myself away from him._

_"Forgive me. I am not... myself today." I looked into his eyes and I was completely confused at the way he stared at me. I thought he was about to collapse any minute, but he had barely finished his glass of wine back at the restaurant. "If it is not a burden, would you accompany me?"_

_That was the first time I ever saw those eyes. Jumin's pleading eyes. He didn't even tell me where he was taking me, but I accepted to go with him, all because I couldn't say no to those eyes. And perhaps I still haven't learned how to do it..._

_On our way to wherever we were going, I noticed his apprehension growing. That was definitely not the Jumin I knew, self-assured, always with a serious and straight face. The one next to me had an unstable breathing, and his eyes and hands were moving excessively. The atmosphere inside that car was so heavy, that it was making me nervous, guessing what could be this place where he was taking me. And then I saw it. It was none other than one of the saddest places I had ever been._

_I knew already where we were supposed to go once Driver Kim opened the car door's for me. Jumin picked the bouquet from his hands and then we both walked in silence to our destination. When we reached it, Jumin carefully placed the flowers inside a vase and we stood in front of it, the Sun marking our shades over the grave of RFA's past leader._

_He didn't need to tell me why he brought me there. I was a member of the RFA, I felt the need to help all my new friends. And if Jumin was missing his best friend, then I thought I was doing the right thing being there. But he explained me why._

_"Today is V's birthday." And as oblivious as I was to that situation, I hadn't noticed, but it was right in front of me, on his gravestone. September 9. "This is the first time I celebrate it without him. In over twenty years."_

_I didn't know what to say, except that, "I'm sorry--"_

_"No, you're not." He looked at me, and for the first time, I saw Jumin crying. "I know V did not commit suicide, MC. He was stupid... But never a coward!" He shouted and I flinched backwards. I knew he was right, but I couldn't betray my future husband._

_"Jumin, I... I can't--"_

_"Of course." He shook his head sideways and started to recollected himself, adjusting his slighted dishevelled clothes and hair. "We all have our positions to keep." And for a moment, I didn't know what he was talking about, until he spoke again. "How is your engagement?"_

_"What? It's... it's fine." He kept looking at me, waiting for a better response. "And we... we will marry in two weeks. But I was going to tell everyone tonight--"_

_"Thank you." He walked closer to me and lifted the corner of his lips in a grin smile. "Thank you for accepting to come here with me. And thank you..." He put his hands on the pockets of his pants, and lowered his gaze. "...for telling me about your wedding first."_

_"No... no problem!"_

_"Can we I make another request?" He lifted his head again and I only nodded. "Will you promise to come visit V with me every year?"_

_And despite not knowing if I deserved to be there, I promised. I set a reminder on my calendar app that I would have to deal with an unusual Han Jumin on this day every year. But the next time we went to meet V, neither of us were the same. Jumin dealt with the passing of his best friend a lot better, while I was the one completely destroyed because of someone else's fault._

You look down to the screen and there is only the notification from V's birthday. No messages. _So Jumin's finally keeping his promise of staying away._ You put your phone away and sigh, not knowing if it's out of relief or... _disappointment._ _I guess now he really can't keep our first promise..._

But the problem is not only meeting Jumin. If you don't go this year again, then it's your second year not visiting V too... _Am I becoming a horrible friend?_

You can't let that happen. You wish you knew him better. You wish you could have saved him that day. But now all you could do was visit him every year.

You leave your bedroom for breakfast, decided to talk to Saeran about it. He greets you with a smile, and you notice him he woke up with a good humor this morning as you sit through your meal. _Maybe he will--_

"Wanna guess the meaning of the flower I chose today, my love?" He picks one of them from the vase on the table.

The flower has many bright pink petals, and depending on the light, it could almost be described as red. The combinations between the flower itself and the dark green leaves, almost reminded you of a rose. You guess it could be the same meaning then.

"Does it have something to do with... passion or love?"

"You thought of roses, didn't you?" He chuckles.

"You're too good! Did I guess it right?"

"Hm... No." He gently runs his fingers over the pink petals. "This is a Camellia. It means... faithfulness." 

He then extends his hand to you, offering you the flower. His Camellia. His faithfulness. And, in your head, it means only one thing.

_If I accept it, I'm confirming my fidelity to him. And this means... I won't get to leave this house today._

You slowly lift your hand and hesitate. You really want to visit V... _But what if he doubts my faithfulness and leaves?_ That is something you definitely can't put to test. With more confidence this time, you reach for the flower from his hand and takes it. He smiles and you force yourself to do the same, continuing your breakfast as if today is just another ordinary day. 

\--

You slide your phone over her desk when Dr. Go Sojin asks for your journal. She lifts her eyebrows surprised. "I was expecting you'd write on a paper, but I suppose this works as well... Excuse me." She picks your phone carefully with both her hands and while she skims through the thousands of entries you wrote, you suddenly start feeling too nervous, and want to snatch it back from her hands. "That's good... Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't... I don't know." You knew she would read them, and yet here you are, feeling too exposed--

"How about this one... Tuesday, you were watching a video at four in the afternoon?"

"It was... a funny video about cats. He liked sharing them with me." You smile, remembering all the times you laughed together because of them.

She nods and asks about a few more of them, and you explain why you thought of him. Some of them are good, and some are sad. You're not really enjoying the experience of sharing your thoughts and feelings about Saeyoung, but none of them are as bad to talk about than those of-- 

"There is only one day that you didn't detail as much as the others... Oh." She notices by herself which day it was and turns to face you. "How was it for you this time?"

"It was... It was better than the past years, I guess." You don't want to think about it even in the slightest.

"I'm... I'm so glad to hear that!" Her eyes almost close when her lips lift up in her big gentle smile. She gives back your phone and you're relieved that it's over. But she keeps making questions about it. "Is there another that you want to talk about?"

You look down to your phone, finally back to your hands. _I just want to stop this talk, actually._ "No, I think I'm good."

"And is there another that you haven't marked but want to talk about?" You look at her surprised. _How can she know I wouldn't...?_ "Don't worry. I'm not forcing you to do it. But we can talk about it if you want..."

_If I want, huh? It sounds more like you won't let me talk about any other thing except this... You sink back into your seat and take a deep breath._ "He..." You close your eyes and try again. "Saeran wasn't very happy last week when he found out I had to write down every time I thought about his... cousin. So he left me alone right before we... we were about to--" You feel too ashamed to continue and look at her hoping she got the meaning of your words.

"And... why did you think about Saeyoung at that time?"

"Because he never refused me before!" You raise your voice a little too much and she closes the notebook she had just opened, placing it over the desk.

"Who are you talking about, MC?"

"Sae--" You stop and look to the ring around your finger. "My husband. You asked me why I thought about him, didn't you?"

"MC..." She sighs and crosses her hands over her notebook. "When was the first time you got intimate with Saeran?"

"What?" You widen your eyes. _Is she serious?_

"Sorry..." She pulls her chair away from the desk. "I'm not trying to violate your privacy. And I'm not asking how it happened. I just want to know when..."

_God... This is too embarrassing..._ "It was last year." _How could I forget my mistake?_ "We were living together for a couple of months already. I wasn't having any more episodes, but the second worst month of the year, which is when I met Saeyoung, arrived."

_In number of days, though, this month used to be the worst compared to all the others, as I remembered all my first days with him. And it seemed that, with each passing year, the amount of days that I struggled increased, as my memories became more and more vividly. Even with all of Saeran's attempts to distract me from it, with the drugs taking effect, I couldn't forget he was gone. I remembered perfectly fine what happened between those three years._

_It started right at the first day of July, and when the day we met arrived, I was in such a dark and low place, that Saeran did not even know what to do anymore. He tried making me watch movies, play games, read books together, cook, even gardening. Nothing worked._

"I couldn't eat or bring myself to do anything... And Saeran really tried. But I kept wanting to stay in my room. I didn't even want to talk to him, and I..." You look at her and she keeps paying attention to every word you say without showing any emotion. "I just isolated myself. But he came to me, and..."

_Maybe I started guessing my decision to come back to that house. I was sitting in my bed that day, with no lights on, holding my legs close to my chest. I think all of my tears were spilled and I there was just that feeling of that damn void inside of me._

_He went into my bedroom after knocking. I still didn't move when he greeted me. But I accepted the water he offered me. I drank the whole glass in large gulps, not realizing how thirsty I was. Without even looking at him, I put the empty glass on the bedside table and got back to my previous position._

_"You need to eat, MC."_

_"I'm not hungry."_

_"How... How can I help?"_

_"You can't." I smiled to him. "The one who can is gone."_

_"But there is another who wants to help you."_

_When I looked at him, and the dim light coming from the hallway was illuminating only half of his face... he looked so much like... I didn't think twice. I just kissed him. He froze at my sudden act, but slowly melted under my touch._

"He came to me and... And then we did it."

_I closed my eyes and ignored who was the one drawing moans from my mouth. Of course... Once again, I pretended that it was my husband. We quickly got rid of our clothes and the next minute, he was above me... With no lights on, it was impossible not to imagine I was giving myself to him again..._

_When he sank his teeth on my neck and I ran my hands through his hair, all I could feel was his warm tongue and messy locks, exactly like I remembered. When he started to thrust, after years without it, I finally remembered what being filled by him was. And I couldn't help but melt under each of his kisses while he did it._

_I cried out Saeyoung's name in the middle of it. I think... No, he obviously noticed it, but he didn't stop driving us both to our final peak of pleasure. When we reached the end of our orgasm, and I got my stable breathing back, I tried to apologize. I've never been so embarrassed in my whole life... I don't even remember the exactly words I said. Saeran's, on the other hand, got marked in my memory as a permanent tattoo._

_"Stop. It wasn't a mistake. Don't regret this, please. Because I don't."_

Dr. Go Sojin calls your name, and you look at her, still embarrassed after recalling all these memories. "What do you feel when you're with Saeran, MC?"

"I'm... complete, loved... Happy."

"What did you feel when you were with Saeyoung?"

You frown. _Not this stupid comparison again._ You still answer her with the first things that comes to your mind. "I... I was his angel, his companion in difficult times, and the one I'd spend my life with after we--" Your hands start trembling remembering the promise he made in that cabin. You feel your eyes watering and you try as hard as you can to avoid crying because of this again.

"MC..." She stops writing and looks up to you. "You once said Saeyoung left you, and that you started another relationship with Saeran... But I'm wondering... Why do you still call Saeyoung _husband_ and not _ex-husband_?"

"Well, I..." _I never noticed it... or maybe I..._

"Are you still waiting for him to come back?"

"No, I... I moved on! I'm in another relationship, aren't I?"

She smiles and shifts her sitting position in her chair, crossing her legs. "Are you really? You showed me you're constantly thinking about your husband through the exercise you did this past week..." You look down to your feet, not really knowing how to respond to that. Then she makes a question even more difficult to answer. "Have you ever saw Saeran as Saeyoung?" 

You freeze. _Oh God... Will she put me in a mental hospital now?_ But then you remember she does not know yet that they are twins, so she can't guess your evil plan... _She can't know I'm staying with Saeran because he looks exactly like Saeyoung._ You calm yourself down and do what seems the best option. You pretend you don't know. You shake your head and shrugs.

"That's okay... You don't have to answer this right now. Therapy is a long process of healing and finding out about yourself."

You nod, looking down at your hands. "But I... I do know they are different, though."

"Oh... Care to elaborate?"

"Someone else made me the same question around a month ago, and actually I've been noticing their differences for quite some time already. Earlier this year, I sometimes noticed how Saeyoung was more playful, while Saeran is a lot more reserved, for example."

_This year marked fours years since I met them. And it's a leap year just like 2016... I remembered the joke about leap years my husb-- Saeyoung told me once. But instead of laughing, I cried. Saeran had to hold me throughout the 29th._

_I missed him so much, all I wanted to forget was that he was gone. And that was when I had the brilliant idea... That maybe if I stopped taking the meds that made me so aware of everything... Then it could help me forget..._

_Six months forward, and it was all for nothing. I had to start meeting a psychologist and I've been talking about him more than ever._

"Their hobbies are also very different. Saeyoung was into technological things. Saeran loves his garden... And we spent many of our afternoons in there. March is a month when many flowers bloom, and I remember I was watching him tending them..." _He looked so happy..._

_After a few months trapping myself in an illusion, I started seeing how different they looked from each other. Saeran's hair was actually parted in a different way than Saeyoung's. His skin was shining under the bright Sun, and I wondered how I didn't notice that it was a few tones lighter than his brother's. And then, of course, there were his eye colour, and... As I studied his face, I couldn't distinguish them anymore. I realized that both of their faces were one in my mind._

_I wondered if it was because I was starting to like him for him or if it was really just because he looked liked his brother. But when I noticed I couldn't remember Saeyoung's face as perfectly as before, and Saeran's could be the only one in my mind, I panicked. I literally had a panic attack because I refused to like anyone else who wasn't my husband._

_Saeran helped me calm down and take my medication. After that, I had another episode and don't remember how I ended up in bed. But when I woke up a few hours later, he was gone. I looked for him around the house and found him sitting on the sofa, staring at the floor with an empty face. I sat next to him and thanked him for helping me earlier, he interrupted me._

_"Are you taking your medication correctedly?"_

_"Of course, I--"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Well, I... I just forgot for some days."_

_"Is it true?" He turned to me with a sad face._

_"...Yes."_

_"Okay... I won't ever force you." He reached for my hand and kissed it._

_I thanked him, but I should have known it was a lie... Now I can't even control my own meds anymore._

"That's good..." She wasn't looking at you, but at the notebook on her lap. "And the other times?"

"What?"

"You said you noticed their differences _sometimes_... How about the _other_ times?"

"Well..." _I'm in deep shit already._ "Other times it did not work. Like the time when the--" _No, this I cannot reveal._ "Saeran's birthday came. And this year I wanted to... do something special."

_I wanted to thank him for being by my side and giving me a new life... Even though it wasn't like a new one at all. So I wanted to give him a special present, not a party with all the other members... They were expecting one, because we hadn't seen each other since Zen's birthday, but still, I wanted a day just for the two of us. I knew I couldn't give him breakfast in bed, since he always wakes up first. I tried to do something else. Something only I could do._

"At least that's what I planned the day before. But I had an episode from the time I woke up to the next day... I don't remember at all what I did on his birthday." You close your eyes and shake your head. "Saeran said I was in the bathroom, getting ready for him. Then I started throwing everything when I saw the meds."

_It was probably when I remembered that Saeyoung was gone... And I was probably doing the same things I did for Saeyoung three years ago... when everyone went home and I prepared one last surprise for his birthday._

"MC... but that's good. That's a great progress from your part." You frown while she smiles at you. "Your brain is registering the differences between Saeyoung and Saeran, and that's why you have your episodes, because it is still too much for you to take in." 

"What does that mean?" You feel your whole world stopping at her explanation. "Then I can't... I can't be with him then??" 

"Not exactly. Every relationship needs to be worked on to be healthy, whether as a couple or each person on their own problems." 

"And... what is my case?" 

"What do you think it is?"

_Of course it is me the only problem here..._ "Saeyoung left me, because I was a burden, so of course I--" 

"No one is a burden to anyone." She looks at you with a stern face, something you never expected from her. "Everyone is a responsible adult, and we have to take care of ourselves and not let the others define us." She closes her notebook and puts it back on a drawer. "Yes, he is gone, but you are so much more than Saeyoung's wife, MC. You are the owner of this body, and the owner of your life. And the fact that you are here today proves that you are owning it."

Your eyes widens in surprise and you nod, hoping it is all true.

"I guess this is all for today, see you next week?" She walks you to the door. You're still overwhelmed by her wonderful speech when she gives you more words to think about. "Remember, MC. You have to focus on yourself before letting any relationship define you, it does not matter if it is with friends, family, or lovers."

"Yes, I... Thank you, Doctor."

She smiles as you bow to thank her. You have to leave, but you wish you could stay and listen to more of that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote V's birthday part yesterday (09/09) and I gotta say... I almost made myself cry. 
> 
> I'm so glad he's got his own route, the Secret Endings are too sad!!
> 
> Anyway... Happy Bday, Jihyun ♥


	10. Intoxicated

As you walk into the waiting room, Saeran is already there, as always, and you didn't need to walk closer for him to notice you. He greets you with a happy face and a hand for you to hold on your way to the car. _Someone is in a good mood..._ He opens the car door for you, you thank him, getting in and watching him walk around to the driver's seat. He turns on the engine, quickly driving out of the building. You haven't left your eyes off him for a second and his expression is still the same. _Why does he keep smiling?_

You then place your elbow on the passenger's door and lean your cheek on your closed fist, knowing fully well that no matter what you ask about his therapy, you won't get the response you're looking for. Besides, all the things you just heard during your own session are still making you feel a bit too uncomfortable to talk to him anyway. The words Dr. Go Sojin said keep playing in your mind like a broken record. 

_Except..._ You're not so sure what to think of them now. When you were in her office, the feeling of abandonment that overtook you after reliving your memories was so strong, that all you wanted at that moment was someone to tell you that things would somehow work out in the end. And when she did it... you held onto the little string of hope that she represented. 

But now that you carefully consider it... _It just... I don't understand._ You question why she decided to say all of that. And most of all, you try to imagine yourself following her advice. _A life in which I'm more than Saeyoung's wife? Is that even possible??_

You lift your gaze to see the outside world of the streets, where normal people are living their lives. The health center is in the same area where numerous other businesses buildings are, so you see many office workers walking around while the car is still stuck in traffic. As it's their lunch time, the streets are even more crowded than when you usually arrive for your appointment.

Some of the people you see on the sidewalk are walking alone and fast, while others are walking in groups and slower. But there is this particular type of office workers that you find the most interesting... They are walking in couples. Some of them are laughing, others are talking. And none of them are holding hands, but you do notice the complete lack of space between these couples, which makes you guess that they are in some sort of intimate relationship.

_Even in their work environments, they found someone to love. How am I supposed to live a life without it? But if it's not Saeyoung, then... Then I can't neve--_

"Hey?" He takes your left hand from your lap and you look at it, surprised by his touch. "Did you hear me?"

"Hm? Sorry. What did you say?" 

"I said today my therapy was very good. I'm feeling a lot better today." He smiles at you and kisses your hand before leaving it over his tight to hold the steering wheel again.

You blink a few times at him, not believing in your eyes and ears. _Did I really just hear that?_ He's been surprising you a lot lately, you don't even know how to answer. And the fact that he's willing to tell you about his therapy... _Would he tell me more if I asked?_ You consider it for a few moments, but you remember there's another major factor for your decision. _Do I... even deserve to know more?_

"That... That's good." _No, I do not._

Silence. For almost a minute you thought your answer was enough. Clearly, it wasn't what he expected.

"Are you okay?" He glances at you a couple of times while the car is still in motion.

You know a lie such as 'I'm fine' wouldn't satisfy him, so you go with the safest option. "Sorry, I... I just have a lot to think about right now."

"Oh." He nods and it's enough for you to keep your attention on what's actually bothering you.

You turn your head to the window again, and the world outside is moving faster, as the downtown streets stay behind. The couples you saw have left your sight, but the image of their happiness haven't left your memory. You close your eyes and sink into your sit.

_I wish we were one of them, Saeyoung..._

\--

Four days later and you still were not over it. You honestly did not even felt all this time passing by, because you just could not stop thinking about your therapist's words, literally. You barely remember thinking about anything else that wasn't related to it for these past days. Even if you tried avoiding it, you felt guilty and ended up thinking about some part of her speech. Nothing could distract you from it.

Not even Saeran. And this was certainly starting to affect your relationship with him. He tried to ignore something was wrong in the beginning. Just like you don't force him to talk, he also respects your silence. So, as he was in a good mood, he managed to keep it for a day or two, insisting that you should spend your time together. _He was probably worried I was having an episode..._ But when he noticed you were still keeping your distance, he also did the same.

And that's why you're finding yourself all alone in the living room right now, while he's taking care of his garden. It's such a beautiful day outside, that you almost want to go and accompany him. But then again, what would you be doing there? _Watch him as I keep thinking about how I'm still so trapped in my past relationship to the point that I can't live on without it?_ Once again, you're building a wall between you two and you have no idea how to stop yourself from keep going. You're so afraid to lose him, and the worst part this time is that... _This is all my fault._

You want to curl up on the sofa and cry your eyes out, but you stand up and walk to the kitchen to get some water. _I put myself in this miserable situation, I don't deserve to cry for it anymore._ Still, when you reach for the glass, you feel some tears leaving your eyes already. You finish drinking your water and dry them out thoroughly. You never really cared about crying, for it seemed to happen when you truly felt like you needed it. But this is the first time that you feel like you don't deserve it, and for a bunch of reasons.

Number one, you are responsible for getting yourself in this complicated position. Dr. Go Sojin was right. Saeyoung left you, but you chose to live the life you're living right now. _He wanted me to be with someone else, I can't even blame him for this..._ Reason number two, even though you had decided to live this life, you still refuse to let Saeyoung go. After all, he is the reason you chose coming back to the bunker and to... Saeran. Number three, you could deny all you want, but... The relationship you've been building with him for the past months... _It's built upon lies._ You clench your fists and more tears roll down your cheeks. _Maybe I'm really not supposed to be with anyone. It is clear now that no one will ever replace--_

His arms wraps around your waist from behind and you go still. _Please, stop. I don't deserve this either..._ You want to get him away from you, but this would seem too rude, so you swallow your incoming sobs and ask him instead.

"Is... Is something wrong?"

He tightens his hold on you, and you can feel his breathing chest against your back. He places his chin on your shoulder and whispers close to your ear. "I... miss you."

"But... But I'm here." You turn around and see this is not what he meant. He looks very concerned. And a bit lost. His eyes are trembling, and if he wasn't crying a few minutes ago, he surely is about to cry now. Yet, there is nothing you can say to calm him down about your current situation. You have no idea when you'll stop overthinking-- _Wait, there is something I know of._ You cup his face and bring it closer to yours. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

You keep staring at his face, only a breath away from yours, but still far enough so you can identify all his features. He still looks so worried, but there is nothing else you can say. He too keep staring at you until suddenly he closes his eyes. 

And when he does it... You know you don't deserve it. You know you should take your hands off his face and free yourself from his embrace. Yet you can't help but imagine golden irises behind his eyelids... And because of this, your body reacts instinctively. You slide your hands to the back of his neck and pulls his head closer, pressing your body against his. _I miss you too, Saeyoung. I miss you so mu--_

"Yeah... you're here." And just like this, you're back to reality again. There is no you and your husband making out in the kitchen. Of course not. He is gone... Not only his voice forces you to stop, but his hands take yours off his body too. "Your body is here, but not your mind."

And you could not deny that. _I'm sorry..._ You turn away from him again, too ashamed to say anything. You replay the past days on your head, and ever since your last therapy session, all you've been giving him is a cold shoulder whenever he asked for your company to do any activity that required your full attention. Things were even worse when he tried to engage in a conversation with you. He only noticed you weren't listening to him when he asked you a question, because you shamelessly pretended you were. That's when he started to leave you alone... but then he came back today.

_This really is not fair._ None of it was his fault, and yet, here you are... dragging him into your own struggles. _I'm truly sorry. You don't deserve this at all..._ You only wish you could return all the good he's been doing for you, all his dedication and, most of all, all the time his willing to accompany you. But you are not. You are repaying his efforts by neglecting him, something he not even once did to--

_Oh, there was once..._ The memories from that time come back. For days, Saeran treated you just like you're doing to him now. _No, it was even worse than me._ Two weeks ago, he was avoiding you completely, and not even putting on an act when you asked him something. He ignored you for days. Until... _Yoosung came and--_

_No, I shouldn't think about it again. He apologized. Or did he?_ You don't remember anymore. But what you can't forget is suffering because of his decision to stay away from you. And even though you're not treating him as bad as he treated you back then, you can understand his suffering a bit... You suddenly connect some dots in your head.

_If I'm doing it because of my therapy... Could his therapist have made him question the same things?_

Obviously, you know it's not the same. Saeran's not with you because you look like someone who is important to him, which is your case in this relationship. But his therapist might as well be making him realise that you two being together is... complicated. _And he probably is now questioning if we should change too..._

This behaviour of his only lasted for a few days, and since last week, he's been back to normal. But still, you want to confirm with words that it wasn't just something your imagination is creating, that he really gave you a similar experience only two weeks ago. 

Turning around to face him, you see that he hasn't moved at all during these few minutes, like he's been waiting for you... He's still watching you with a sad face, his arms now hanging next to his body after he released you. He's still only one step away from you, and it's making you a bit apprehensive to ask him this question, but you take a deep a breath and say it at once.

"Have you also been present both in body and mind here with me?"

He tilts his head and his sad expression turns into a confusing smile. If you didn't know him better, it could almost be described as a mocking one, as if he was just insinuating how crazy you just sounded. But he quickly changes it to a more relaxed face. He stops squeezing his eyes and his lips form a fine line. "Of course I have, my love."

Now you're the one who frowns. But before you can ask any further questions, his hands are once again on your body. With one arm around your shoulders, he places his other hand behind your head, pulling it towards him at the same time he also takes the last step forward. He leans his head on yours while his hand makes gentle moves on your back.

His answer was not what you expected. But you know he's not saying the truth. _He can't be._ You wonder if you are screwing with his head too. You know those things happened. You just wanted him to acknowledge them. You sigh and his hands run down to your waist. _Maybe he doesn't even remember treating me like that. Maybe only now he's the persona he created for me, the one that accepts me fully... Or worse. He's lying to make me feel better._

You open your mouth to ask him what is the real reason behind his answer, but you stop before the first word leaves your mouth. You know him too well... _He will never say what he really thinks._

Unable to break yourself from his arms, because, once again, it would be too rude to do so, your only option is to comply. You cling to his shirt and wish all your worries would vanish just by accepting his embrace... _A world with no right and wrong. A world where I don't have to think about myself. A world with just the two of us. That's all I want._

And that's when you notice why you have been having so much problem incorporating Dr. Go Sojin's advice into your life. It is very hard not to define yourself by your relationships when your daily life is all about one.

A relationship that you forced upon him, and that's certainly the reason why he spent days avoiding you. _Saeran just wanted his sister-in-law back, and then I... No. He said he's not being forced to do anything. He said that wasn't a mistake!_

But you know Saeran never says what is actually on his mind.

Worries such as these are the ones you wish you could forget while you're tenderly being held by his arms. Unfortunately, you don't. You keep thinking of yourself as a burden. The only good feeling, in all the darkness that's consuming you, is that he hasn't left you like his brother.

Not yet.

Filled with regret, you try to make up for the time you wasted and start dedicating yourself again to the present. Saeran is very glad to have you back. The first thing you do together is to spend a few hours in bed... just enjoying each other's bodies. And the longer you stay by his side, the deeper your mind fall back to its usual setting. Until you no longer want to think of anything else except of how great it is to have him next to you.

\--

_I'm walking around in the bunker, but after every step I take, it gets darker. I know where I'm going like the back of my hand, so I don't really need lights to guide me._

_I open the bedroom's door and the lights are on. I look to the bed and he's completely still, with his back facing the entrance. He probably forgot to turn them off before falling asleep. I walk to my side of the bed and lay next to him, covering both our bodies with the same blanket._

_His face is completely relaxed. He doesn't resemble the energetic Saeyoung I know when he sleeps. I suppress a giggle recalling how unique his personality is. I look at him, worried that I made too much noise and, God... he's so handsome. I can't believe I got to marry someone like him. I lift my hand to carefully touch his face, but he grabs my wrist before I reach him._

_I was about to ask why he's been pretending to sleep, when he suddenly opens his eyes. But instead of the golden colour I'm used to exchanges glances with, mint eyes stare back at me._

You wake up with a jolt and screaming. Your heart about to pump out of your throat. _Thank God it was dream, but... what the fuck?? Why did I even dream of--_

The bathroom door opens. "What? What happened??" 

This is Saeyoung's bedroom, so you freeze when you hear the owner of the voice. And you widen your eyes when you look at him. Hearing Saeran's voice was itself already a surprise for you. But when you saw him... wearing nothing except for a small towel around his waist and a toothbrush in his hand... You realize your dream wasn't just dream.

"What's wrong, my love?" He walks closer and you can't look at him right now, so you turn your head to the other way.

"N-Nothing." You feel him getting closer and clench your fists. _Please, go--_

"Are you sure? You don't look so well."

"Jus-Just a nightmare!" You want to pull yourself away from his naked body, but you're too afraid he will notice that you're not well and make more questions. Yet he keeps coming for you. "Don't worry, I... I'm okay." You force yourself to look at his face and smile before he gets too close.

It makes him stop and he smiles in return. "Okay, if you say so." He was about to take another step when he notices the toothpaste falling from the brush on the floor, then runs back to the bathroom. 

And you can't help and take a quick peek at his back on his way out. You never saw it so exposed... It is full of fresh and old marks. Like he's been frequently assaulted by a cat. You shut your eyes and cover your face with your hands, feeling too embarrassed to acknowledge that you're the one responsible for all of them.

"Are you sure you're okay? Do you need anything?" He asks fully clothed this time.

"No, I'm really fine..." _Just go away, please._

"Uh-huh..." He walks to the door and then turns around again. "I'm still going to prepare breakfast, so you can sleep a bit more. But don't forget we have our appointments today, sleeping beauty."

_Appointment?? But it's still-- Oh shit._ You reach for your phone and you can't believe it until you confirm by yourself.

_Thursday, September 17._

"What... what happened to me?" You look to the door again, but he's already gone to the kitchen.

You could bet today was still Tuesday. You remember everything you did on Monday as if it was yesterday, but then... _Wait. I do have some flashes of memories from the other two days._ There doesn't seem to be any bad moments. You watched movies together. You helped him with the meals. You enjoyed some breakfast in bed. You even did some house chores together. And at night you slept with his arms around you. All you had, ever since that conversation in the kitchen, are nice and pleasant memories. _But I thought I was living them all with--_

You're sure you had an episode, it's the only possible explanation. You just can't remember when it started. _Probably during our sex..? Or maybe even before that? Before we left the kitchen??_ But then again, an episode also doesn't define it. _They never lasted as long as this. Wouldn't Saeran have noticed if I was having one and given me those drugs right away?_ And, speaking of which, you thought you only had episodes if you stopped taking your medication. But ever since Saeran took them from you, you've been having no more chances to skip your daily doses.

You weren't expecting to go to therapy today, but now you're thankful for it. _It's been so long since I've been wanting to stop taking these pills, I should finally talk about it..._

With your sleep completely gone, you decide to start your day as well. And maybe ask Saeran if he noticed anything different during the past days.

You spent all morning together, but nothing. You tried asking, but he just thought you were talking about the days you were ignoring him, and Saeran was acting like he always did, so it was really like nothing strange happened.

You tried to believe him. You hated the idea that Saeran was becoming a liar. There was no reason for him to do so. You trusted him with your life, and you always thought he could do the same... _Was I wrong?_

As the morning went on, more memories kept coming back to you. And all of them were just as good as the ones you had when you just woke up. Small moments of happiness together, which you thought you were living with Saeyoung... And then you remember that in almost all of these moments, it's not that you _thought_. You actually said it. You called him Saeyoung multiple times...

But when the realization hits you, it's too late. You look to your left side and he's already gone inside his therapist's office.

_Why did you lie to me, Saeran? I am not crazy! I know it happened... Why are you--_

You jump when someone calls your name.

"I'm sorry! Hello, Doctor." You bow to Dr. Go Sojin and she greets you too.

"It's alright. Let's go?"

You follow her to her office, but Saeran's decision keeps bothering you. _There really wasn't any reason for him to do it. I thought he didn't like to be called by his brother's name, so why did he sudden--_

You hear her voice again. "Oh, sorry, I... What did you say?"

"I just asked how are you, MC. You're very distracted today. Something happened?"

"Well, I... I thought I was improving." You hesitate to explain what you mean, trying to get as comfortable as possible in your chair. "I thought my reaction to... the day Saeyoung went away meant I was getting better. At least I felt it was better than the previous years. But then I had an episode this week. Well, I think it was."

"I see. Do you remember our first meeting, MC?" You nod. I can't believe it's been more than a month since that day already... "How do you think you have made progress since then?"

_Did I make any..?_ "I don't know. I don't feel I got any better."

"But you have!" She gives you her ever gentle smile and reach for a piece of paper and her pen. "Therapy is a continuous progress." She starts drawing a line. "Sometimes it goes down, or up." She repeats the action of her words in the drawing. "But it never goes backwards. It's just like... The time." She looks up at you. "We can never return to the past, only keep going to the future."

You know now she doesn't meant this one as analogy to therapy or your progress in getting better. She's saying it exactly because, if you could, you'd go back and live in your past. 

_But isn't it basically what I'm doing with him?_

"Of course..." She continues. "We can make mistakes while going forward. It's only natural. But we can also succeed."

"How do we know which is which?"

"It is up to ourselves." She puts the paper away and takes her notebook, placing it on her lap. "We get to decide what it means to lead a successful life, MC. I thought I made it clear last week."

"Yeah..." You lower your gaze to your feet, remembering your failed attempt to accept her words. _That's too difficult, though..._

"Is there anything specific you'd like to talk about today?"

"Uh... Yes, actually." You look at her again. "I want to talk about my medication. There's... something I forgot to ask before."

"Okay..." She writes down on her notebook. "What about them? Have you been taking them?"

"I have." _At least since Saeran got in charge of them._

"Good... You've been taking them for more than a year already. Do you like the results?"

"I'm not sure. They make me feel a bit dizzy, so I don't... I don't really like them."

"Since when did you start having these symptoms?"

"The sleeping pills were fine before I got that weird diagnostic, so maybe all the ones I got after it?"

"And what kind of medicine is that?"

"They are... a couple of antidepressants. Some I take in certain hours, others are for my attacks... But I don't think... I think they are wrong for me."

"Why is that?" She frowns.

"I don't think I--" _No, she won't agree with me if I say it like that._ "I think it's too much."

"MC..." She drops her pen and looks at you, with her eyebrows raised. "Do you think you need medicine at all?"

_Shit._ You keep staring at her, not knowing what to say. Seconds pass, but she too doesn't say anything. "I-I... I don't know. Shouldn't the doctors decide that?"

"We can't force our patients to take them. This is not this type of medicine. Your opinion is very relevant on this matter."

_Oh. Now that's new._ "Well, I... I just want to feel better."

"But there hasn't..." She stops mid sentence. "Have you resorted to other ways to feel better before you got access to your medication, MC?"

"No. I wasn't very interested in any fun hobbies back then." _Except for Jumin's company, but does that count?_

"I didn't mean it that way." Her expression becomes more serious all of a sudden. "I meant to ask if you engaged in any self-destructive behaviour." You feel like all the air from the room isn't enough as she continues to explain. "It could be any type of eating disorder, consumption of illicit substances or high dosage of licit ones. And, of course, self-injuries, and suici--"

"I-I know! I know... what it means." Your voice comes out a bit shaky, but you manage to make her stop speaking.

She nods and watches you for a few minutes, waiting for you to answer her question, but you're still out of breath. _Why did she have to ask this??_ "Well, then... Have you tried any of these?"

"I..." You look to the curtains behind her. _I don't want to talk about it._ But you know there is no option, so you go for the one that you think is the less problematic. "I started drinking."

"Do you think you have a drinking problem?"

"No!" You shake your hands and head showing how excessive this sounds. "I only drink a bit more when it's available."

"Is that not considered a drinking problem?"

_What?_ "No, I don't think so."

"Okay." She writes something down and asks you another question without looking at you. "And has it ever caused you a problem then?"

"Well, it--" When you pause to consider all the times you drank, they were all somewhat disastrous. "Maybe a few times." _A few too many..._

"When did you start drinking?" That's when you truly regret talking about it. You press your hands together, trying to contain the painful sensation inside your chest.

"It was... a bit after I moved into Jumin's apartment." Not even recovered from a few minutes ago, you take another deep breath, trying to make your lungs work properly. "Saeyoung... he didn't like drunk people because of his mother, so I never drank with him. But... He wasn't there, anymore, right?"

_I was still very affected, feeling more like a zombie than a real person. I didn't even know what was day or night anymore, I barely slept so it was all the same to me. But there was one special date that I was making plans for since the previous month. Of course, all of them were canceled once he left me._

"It was... our marriage anniversary. The one I told you I never got to celebrate. I mean, at least not with Saeyoung. I invited all of my friends for a sleepover party. But then... I decided to drink some wine."

_It was one of Jumin's expensive wines, which wasn't difficult to find in that apartment, since he had so many bottles. Everyone got excited when I mentioned the idea. Well, everyone, except Saeran. But he didn't show any reactions, so I just ignored him._

_Unused to the taste, it took me two full glasses to stop making Zen laugh every time I took a sip._

_"That's not fair! Yoosung isn't much better than me! Why don't you make fun of him?" I didn't want to make fun of Yoosung either, but I was way too tipsy when I said that to Zen._

_"Because you're pretty with your flushed cheeks, babe. Yoosung is just--"_

_"Tha-thanks, Zen." I said between my sobs._

_"Look what you did now, Zen!" Yoosung screamed at him._

_"Oh no... I'm sorry, MC! I didn't want to offend you!"_

"Zen said something that triggered a memory I had with Saeyoung. And I... started crying." You almost want to cry again because of it. "I tried to laugh and say that everything was okay, but only more sobs came out. Jaehee sat down next to me and held my hand, trying to get me to calm down, but nothing worked." You laugh. "It really was a stupid idea to have a party so soon... When I went to sleep because I couldn't contain my tears, everyone went home as well."

"They went home?" She interrupts you. "How about Saeran?"

"Uh... Actually..." You bite your lips. _Saeran was only my husband's little brother back then._ "Jumin reassured everyone that he would take care of me..."

_I wasn't feeling in the mood for a sleepover anymore, but I didn't want to tell them that, so I told them to enjoy the rest of the night at the living room and excused myself to my bedroom. I was almost closing my door when I heard Zen shouting._

_"Are you insane? If we're going, then you should too!"_

_Sneaking only my head out of my bedroom, I understood what they were talking about._

_"I'm also against it." Saeran said._

_"Assistant Kang." Jumin's dominant voice echoed through the apartment._

_"Yes?"_

_"Make sure everyone arrives safely at home."_

_"Yes, Mr. Han." Jaehee said. Then I heard someone opening the front door._

_"Hey! Han Jumin!" Zen screamed again._

_"Zen, come on! She'll be fine!" Yoosung sounded a bit drunk, but he agreed with Jaehee._

_"It's ok, Zen. Let's go home and check on her tomorrow, okay?" Jaehee apparently convinced him with this._

_"You better treat her well, Jumin! Do you hear me?" Zen screamed, probably already halfway through the door, since his voice was more distant this time._

_I closed the door and got ready to sleep, the dizziness caused by the wine still making me do things slower than normal, but I thought at least that night I could get some sleep. And I was right._

_Except I woke up the next day with my head throbbing, and the world spinning. It took me some minutes to remember that I was now living in Jumin's spare apartment, and when I was about to get up and get some water, I heard someone sighing._

"And he really... kept his word. In the morning, he was sleeping in a chair next to my bed." You smile recalling what you thought of that sight. _It was the first time I ever saw Jumin with such a relaxed expression. He was always under so much stress, I was afraid he would collapse any day..._

_I also took some pictures just before he woke up and rushed to his own apartment 'to take care of Elizabeth the 3rd'. It was really a rare occasion, I wouldn't want to miss this opportunity, so of course I wanted to have it registered... I didn't know back then that I would see it many tim--_

"And have you had any drinks recently?" You remember once again why you're talking about this.

"Only a few months ago, actually." _Another one of my mistakes..._ "It was an actual party this time. Zen's birthday party."

_I was getting ready once again to fake in front of them that Saeran and I were just friends. I hoped for the life of me that none of them would see me through. How silly I was..._

"The party was in a bar, and we got our table pretty fast. I think he reserved all the place for the occasion, and it was pretty big... poor Zen. He had to move all night to spend almost equal time with all of his friends." _I was hesitant to go at first, but I knew Saeran would be with me, so I thought I would be fine._ "I was having a lot fun. The food was nice, and all my friends were there, so it was a good night. Until..." You sigh. "I think I had too much soju."

_And I started fucking things up. I was sitting next to Saeran and before I realized, I was hugging and resting my head on him._

_"I think... She's just too drunk." He tried to explain my actions to the rest of the RFA._

_"No, I'm not!" I shouted at him, completed drunk, and started pulling his head towards me. God, it was so embarrassing..._

_He gripped my wrists with force and said with an angry voice "We better go home."_

"I started to act very... indecently in front of my friends. Saeran apologized in my place and helped me get out of there. Fortunately, I didn't refuse."

_But I was having some problem trying to get out of my seat. I was sitting on the far corner of the sofa, and in my drunk state, I just decided to slide until I reached the edge of the cushion. And once I was standing, I noticed how dizzy I really was._

_I thought I was really going to break all my teeth that night. But four strong arms held me tight._

_I looked to my left side and saw my lover, the red headed I wanted to go home with and kiss all night. Then I looked to my other side... and saw my enemy. The black and gray colours I learned to hate._

_"I don't need your help!" I shook Jumin's hands off my body and used my then free right arm to hold on to Saeran's._

_Saeran gave him an apologetic look and walked me out of there, saying 'bye' to our friends for both of us._

_Aside from the time he tricked me into going inside that car and driving me home, this was the only other time I met Jumin this year..._

"Do you remember all the times you got drunk, MC?" Dr. Go Sojin brings up the topic again.

"Yeah, I..." You think it over. "Probably?" 

"Do you mix your medication with any alcoholic beverage?"

"Hm... Not on purpose, but sometimes I drank and then I took the meds, or vice versa."

"Okay..." She sighs and closes her notebook. "MC. These drugs can help, but only if you let them." She takes a business card from her drawer and slides through the desk. "I recommend you visit this doctor. He's a friend of mine, his office is just upstairs. If you want to change or check if these are the right medication for you, I think you should have a talk with him."

You thank her and you walk together to the door. _Another session is over._

When you see him waiting for you, you don't really understand why, but you quickly hide the card. You could have just walked upstairs and make an appointment with this doctor, but you don't. You walk to the car together, and go home. 

It's time to take your medicine before sleeping again. Saeran sits next to you in bed and gives you the pills. You look down at the small things on your hand and then at him, who's giving you an innocent smile. _I hate to do it, but..._ You look down again to avoid his gaze.

"Hey... Did I really... really not treat you any different these past couple of days?" There was some silence and you look up to his face again. He was staring at you with widened eyes. But he quickly changed to a more relaxed one.

"Hmm..." You know he is pretending to think about it. "No, you did not."

You nod and look at your drugs again. _He really doesn't want to talk about that, huh? Then forget it..._ "I have some news about it." You lift your hand with the pills. "My therapist told me I should visit a doctor, maybe get a new prescription. She gave me his card, it's in the same building as the health center. But I... I still haven't--"

"What?" He screams and you almost drop the things in your hand. "Why didn't we go there after you left her office?"

"Well, I... I'm still not sure--"

"Not sure??" _Please, don't--_ "What are you not so sure of?"

"I'm not sure I'm ready to meet another doctor, Saeran!" He widens his eyes at the mention of his name and he immediately calms down. _Fuck._ "Sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Shh." He hugs you as you start crying. "There's no need to apologize."

"You know... You know I hate doctors!" Your voice and sobs are muffled by his shirt.

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have shouted..."

"I'm... I'm scared." You hold him with your free hand, while the other still has the meds.

"You don't have to be. I'm here." You nod at his words, but your sobs still continue.

His gentle voice and hands manages to calm you down after some time. You take a deep breath, inhaling the delicious scent from him and his clothes, then pull away.

"I'll call them tomorrow..." You dry your tears with the back of your hands and look at him. He smiles and fixes your messy hair. "I promise."

"Don't worry, I'll go with you." He fetches the glass of water for you to take your meds. Once you're finished, he puts it back on the bedside table. "I'll always stay beside you."

He kisses the top of your head and gestures for you to nestle in his arms. And you prepare yourself for another good night's sleep.


	11. Letting Go

This time, you thought you'd be able to ignore it if you just did not look at it. If you didn't acknowledge its existence, you could perhaps forget it was there again. But you wake up the next day, and the image was still too clear in your mind for you to avoid thinking about it.

The Choi brothers were identical twins. You saw their pictures when they were kids, back when you were locked in Rika's apartment with Saeyoung. Even if Saeran did not grow to have the same body as Saeyoung, just by looking at their faces no one could ever deny the fact that they were twins. _But this same Rika destroyed the younger brother's appearance..._

After being freed from her brainwashing, he finally started to resemble his brother again. Apart from during his outbursts, his face looked a lot like Saeyoung's, especially since he got his red hair back. And yet, there were a few things that one could see to differentiate both of them.

His eyes were an example. Not only their irises were permanently damaged, but the way Saeran stared at things, and sometimes at nowhere in particular, was something that scarred you a lot in the beginning. Eventually, you tried to accept it. _He must have suffered without Saeyoung by his side_ , you told yourself whenever you met him after a warm night with your husband. _Ha. Who would have guessed... that I'd get to feel the same pain?_

There is another thing that Rika did to him, to demand his eternal devotion to her, and to change Saeran's body so that he could never look like his brother again. Currently, you and Saeran are the only ones able to see it, since he refuses to display the mark to anyone else. Even then, you also tell him to hide it, and wish you could pretend it isn't there when it's in front of you.

But you can't. And yesterday was no different. When he got out of the bathroom, with only a towel covering his intimate parts, you saw his naked torso for the first time since your first time having sex together. The reason why you always ask him to turn off the lights after that is exactly because of this... _The tattoo on his right arm._

You feel yourself getting sick and run to the bathroom, because the next image that comes into your mind is when he turned around and you saw... _The white canvas I marked with my own nails._ It only reminds yourself that you're sleeping with another man, someone who is not your hus--

_No, I can't let this happen again!_

You pull yourself together and run for the kitchen. 

"Sae--" You almost shout his name on your way, but stop right before you see him. He turns around, frowning when he hears your panting. "Where is--"

The pills you're looking for are already right beside your plate, and you clumsily rush for them. When you finish drinking the water from the glass next to it, you finally start feeling the air entering your lungs as they normally should. _At least with these I can keep pretending they are one person..._

Saeran helps you sit down on one of the chairs, while he kneels before you. "Are you... alright?"

"Yes, I..." You look to his right arm. _Thankfully, it's covered._ "I will be." You show him your fake smile, while he gives you an honest one.

_I'll be fine even if it's with you._

\--

At least once in everyone's life, it is natural for people to wonder if life is just a series of coincidental events. Or if it really exists such a thing called destiny. It isn't different for you. You wondered before, but this time... _It's too much coincidence._

Three days after your last therapy session, when you had to go through the horrible time of remembering what it was like to celebrate your marriage anniversary without your husband, you're experiencing it once again. _The very same day._ September 20 is not as bad as the Seventh, but you feel that familiar void again.

You didn't remember it was today until breakfast. You usually don't check your phone right after waking up, unless you get a notification or something, but you do it often after you had your meal with Saeran. And it's not because you're addicted to it in any way, but rather, you just want to pass your time while he takes care of his garden, so you either use your phone or read a book.

Today, he broke this routine. He thought you wouldn't notice, but it was the first thing that came into your mind.

"How about... we visit a new place today?" He suggested while you were still finishing eating.

"A place? What kind of place?" 

"Hm... How about a park? Do you... do you like them?"

You looked at him, confused. He never invited you to go anywhere, and you thought he didn't even like these places, full of other people. _Then why would he try to take me--_

"Oh my God." You looked down to your hand. "It's today..." You thanked him for the invitation and said you weren't feeling very well. It wasn't a lie, but it was also an excuse for you to leave him by himself for the rest of the morning as you locked yourself in the bedroom.

You walked to the drawers, where all of Saeyoung's clothes he didn't bother to bring with him are still kept inside. In one of them, you also find all the portraits of the two of you together. They used to be all around your bedroom, but it hurt too much to see them everyday. You took one of your favourites and, for today, it seemed the only one you should be seeing.

You're sitting on the floor, holding it with both your hands. You feel like crying, because you can't even recognize the person Saeyoung is carrying in his arms. _Purposefully, bridal style..._ The girl inside the photograph is too happy. Her long white dress and beautiful white veil swaying under her body. She has one arm around the groom's neck, and the other is high above their heads. The newlyweds are smiling at each other, as every couple must be on this special occasion. _But they do seem perfect together..._

While staring at it, all the memories from four years ago are once again revealed.

_It had been a tiring morning. To be more precise, a tiring week. Ever since Saeyoung told me we were to get married in such a hurry, we started to make preparations on our own. The first week was fine. We had decided to have the ceremony on his house, since it was far from the city and safer for the Choi twins. Not that many people would attend, anyway. It was merely a formal event for our RFA friends, nothing big. We chose our rings and had everything prepared._

_Until we didn't. Jaehee called me literally six days before the date we had set, and invited both Saeyoung and I for a chat. In person. We went to her house after her work, and all our plans were discarded. She gave us what I called 'The Perfect Wedding Brochure'. I tried, but... it was too tempting not to accept._

_"Holy... Jaehee! This is so perfect! How did you do this?" I kept moving my eyes between pages and pages of the perfect place, perfect buffet menus, and even tons of perfect dresses._

_"I'm so glad you liked it." She smiled at me and I was the one who was so glad to have a friend like Jaehee, who was so caring about her friends and every work she put her mind on. "I... put a lot of thought into it, MC. You only get to have a special day like this once in your life. I couldn't let you have a regular wedding."_

_"Jaehee, this is... Thank you! It's so beautiful! I can't ever repay you!" I was really about to cry when I said that._

_"Oh, no! You don't have to repay me! Please, this is from..." She cleared her throat and sat next to me. "MC, consider this as my wedding gift. You just have to choose your--"_

_"Why is he doing it, Jaehee?" It was the first thing Saeyoung said since we found out the reason why we were there._

_Jaehee's colour suddenly dropped a few shades. I thought she was going to pass out right then and there. And she didn't open her mouth. I tried to ask him instead._

_"Saeyoung, what are you talking--"_

_"Jaehee knows." He got up from her sofa and walked to the window. "This wasn't her plan. It is Jumin's."_

_"You-You're wrong, Saeyoung." Jaehee finally spoke. "I wanted to give you and MC--"_

_"But this... This place where you want us to marry." He turned around and pointed to the brochure on my lap. "It's one of his properties, isn't it?"_

_Jaehee looked down to it too, not saying anything again. I noticed she was a bit offended, so I tried to lighten up the mood._

_"Well... Jumin makes her overwork like a machine, is it wrong to use one of his rooftops?" I even tried to laugh at the end._

_He sat next to me and took my hands on his. He had a stern look, which was so unlike him. "Is that what you think of him?" I frowned and wondered, 'wasn't that what we all thought of him?' Then he made another weird question. "And if he's really the one who asked her to do this, will you also accept his... gift?"_

_I bit my lip and looked down to the beautiful pictures of wedding decorations on my lap again. How could I ever refuse that? Having a perfect wedding with my perfect husband-to-be? And what was wrong with accepting Jumin's gift anyway? Were we not friends? Besides, I trusted Jaehee, if she said she wanted to give it as her gift to us, then it was that, even if Jumin had some part in it too._

_These were all the things I thought back then, so of course I said "I'll accept it". But, by doing so, I didn't know I was digging my own grave, planting seeds of doubts in Saeyoung's mind, and giving him reasons to believe that I'd be safer... and happier with someone else._

_He kissed my hand and said "Then let's do this!" in his energetic way, like we hadn't just had a serious talk._

_The following days were exhausting for both of us. We had to visit many places, try different foods and drinks, choose the decorations amongst the dozens of options that Jaehee selected for us. And, obviously, pick our formal attire. Saeyoung decided he would choose his tuxedo after I had chosen my dress. But there were so many beautiful gowns that it took me the entire week to find the perfect one._

_It wasn't one of those dresses with a big puffy and round skirt. It also wasn't one of those skinned skirts either. It was a long dress that didn't feel uncomfortable when you walked around on it. It also fit perfectly around my waist, not making me feel suffocated at all. The white silk fabric covered up to a little above my chest, and then there was a transparent fabric, that went up to the middle of my neck, where a collar embroidered with what looked like expensive gemstones was. Then, to complete my bridal look, I had a white veil, long enough to reach my lower back. It was attached to my head with a hairpin that resembled a crown._

_It took me all morning to get ready. But when I was finally about to walk the aisle, I truly felt like a princess. Jaehee was right, it was a once in a lifetime event... I'd never felt as happy as I was that afternoon. And I couldn't stop my tears joy when Saeyoung and I made our vows, exchange our rings and kissed. We were finally married. After all the struggles, we were officially together..._

And you took a bunch of pictures that day, including the one you're looking at now. You run your fingers over his image on the photo, and tears spill from your eyes. _Another year has passed, and I still can't forget it, Saeyoung... How you happily lifted me from the floor, telling me that, from then on, you could officially carry me bridal style..._ You sob and bring the portrait to your chest, as if you could feel him closer to you while you do it.

After a few minutes, you dry your tears and look at the picture again. _But you knew you'd leave me since then, didn't you?_

_We also had a little party with our friends after that, on the same terrace we had the ceremony. We would go out on a small honeymoon trip the next day, and we thought it would be nice to have some nice time together with the RFA before leaving. I'm sure Saeyoung was also thinking about how his brother would be the next five days without him, so he tried to make him interact with them. And while he did, I went to check the buffet. I was so nervous when I was getting ready that morning, that I couldn't have any proper breakfast, so that was going to be my first actual meal of the day._

_I looked at all the fancy delicacies, and had no idea where to start. I remembered we had chosen the option with the most tasty food, and so I tried a little of each before selecting one to bring back to the table with me. I was tasting the last one when I heard someone approaching me._

_"Oh. Hi, Jumin!"_

_"Hello."_

_He greeted me and walked straight to the table full of rosé Champagne glasses. I payed no mind and finished eating the dessert I had just picked. When I turned around to take the one dish I liked the most and go back to the table where the rest of my friends were, Jumin was next to me again, holding two glasses, one in each hand._

_"Congratulations." He offered me one of the glasses, but I couldn't accept._

_Even thought Saeyoung and I had chosen this drink together, I didn't feel comfortable consuming any alcoholic beverage around him. I knew he didn't like it, so this Champagne was really only for the guests._

_"Thanks, Jumin. But I don't--"_

_"Today is your wedding. We have to celebrate it." I frowned at his words._

_"What makes you think I'm not celebrating it?"_

_"Not with me." He lifted his hand toward me again. "You won't get drunk with only one sip."_

_I sighed and grabbed it from his hand. "Alright."_

_"A toast." He raised his glass. "To the most beautiful... bride... I have ever seen."_

_Widening my eyes, the first thought that came into my mind was 'So in the end, Han Jumin can really compliment a woman? I need to tell Saeyoung!'_

_But the next thought... made blush a lot. Because I realized it wasn't just any woman. 'The only woman I ever saw Jumin complimenting... is me?'_

_He was so close and his gray eyes so intense as he stared into mine that all I could manage to escape from them was drinking the Champagne he gave me. And I couldn't stop until the last drop burned my throat, replacing the sweet flavour from the dessert I had just eaten._

_I kept looking down to the empty glass in my hands, too embarrassed to turn to him again. Then he took it from me, and I followed the movement of his hands, until he spoke again and I had to look up to his face._

_"Thank you." He lifted the corner of his lips, exactly like he did weeks before, when we met on V's birthday. I'd come to know later that he does it a lot... "And congratulations. I wish you many years of happ-"_

_"Hey, guys!" Saeyoung appeared next to us, and I felt like running away from there, to hide my burning face. Drinking all that Champagne wasn't a helpful solution. "What's up?"_

_"Saeyoung. I was only congratulating MC. Now that you're here, I'd like to wish you both a happy and successful marriage."_

_"Ohh, thanks, Jumin!" Saeyoung took my hand on his. "Now, would you lend me my dear wife for a minute?"_

_"Lend...?" Jumin frowned. I, too, noticed how weird the choice of Saeyoung's words sounded. "Of course, excuse me." And he walked away after bowing his head to us._

_"MC..." Saeyoung pulled me closer to him when we were alone. "You look so pretty today, Mrs. Wife."_

_Completely forgetting about my awkward interaction with Jumin, I looked up to my husband's eyes and gave him the happiest expression I could make, trying to show him how I truly felt with his arms around me. "You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Groom!"_

_He laughed and massaged the back of my waist, sending shivers through my whole body. He then lowered his voice. "I still can't believe this is our wedding." Then he left out what I knew it was his sad sigh. "I'm scared that when I wake up, our dream will be over."_

_"Saeyoung..." I cupped his face and shook my head sideways. "How could you ever think this is a dream?"_

_He gently took my hands off him and looked to where our friends were sitting and talking. "I keep thinking what will happen when..." He stopped mid-sentence and turned his head back to me, staring sadly into my eyes._

_"What?" I had no idea what he meant by then._

_"I keep thinking how my life would be without you..." He sighed again and embraced me, and then I noticed his trembling body. "Never mind. Let's enjoy our life together from now on." I nodded and hugged him tighter._

You shut your eyes and lean your head on the drawer behind you. _I should have known... I should have known what he meant by that._ But you didn't. You thought he was only nervous because it was your wedding day, and you knew Saeyoung was always scared to lose you. You also thought things would change once you got married, since you started living together, and all... But things only really changed when he left you. For the worst.

_Why did you this to me, Saeyoung? Why did you deceive me? You could have asked me! You could have questioned me... Even though I showed you... that you were always the only one I had in my heart._

You dry your tears and stand up, to place the portrait back where it belongs. When you're closing the drawer, you look to the ring on your hand again. Dr. Go Sojin's question comes back to your mind.

_Am I still waiting for him?_

You bring your hand closer to your face and chuckles. _How stupid of me. Maybe she is right. Three years is a long time... Too long. So long, that he... won't come back to me._

With shaky hands, you finally take off your wedding ring and place right next to the photos of the two people who looked perfect together. You close the drawer, feeling as if part of your soul was left inside it. Resisting the urge to get your ring back, you walk to the door. _Maybe some fresh air will help..._

You were expecting to meet Saeran at the garden, but when you open the bedroom's door, he's sitting on the hallway, right in front of you. When your eyes meet, you notice he's giving you his worried look. Despite feeling your legs a bit numb from sitting on the floor all morning, you sit next to him. Neither of you speak. And neither of you look at each other again. You just stay silent and still together.

You open and close your fists. _Wearing a ring for four years can really mark your fingers..._ You feel naked, like the most important piece of your outfit was taken from you. But you take slow breaths and control yourself.

_It's time for me to wake up from our dream too... isn't it, Saeyoung?_

You lean your head on his shoulder, tears threatening to fall, and you fight to hold them in. _I'm so tired of crying for hi--_

"I'll stay." You look up at him, with widened eyes. He still has his concerned expression on. "Anytime. Anywhere. I--" He takes a glance at your hand when he touches it, but you don't move your gaze from his shiny mint eyes, that returns to your face to finish his sentence, now wearing a smile. "I will stay with you."

His face instantly becomes a blur. His words are so beautiful that you start crying once again. He dries your tears with his gentle thumb, then kisses your forehead, like he always does when trying to reassure you of his words. And of course you are happy to hear them. All you want from him is to stay with you forever. But, as the saying goes... Old habits die hard.

As you touch his right arm and look into his eyes, you can't help but think about their differences again.

_Is it wrong... to wish I could hear these words from the real Saeyoung?_

\--

Except for that morning, when you cried a lot, you've been enjoying a good time with Saeran for the past few days. You were so distracted by his company, that you completely forgot when you had called and made the appointment that would bring you two days earlier to the health center building.

Yet here you are, waiting to be called on the doctor's office to talk about your meds. Saeran is sitting beside you and holds your hand, clearly noticing how nervous you are. You're not completely certain if he noticed you no longer wear a ring, since he didn't make any comments about it. But you suppose the reason why he hasn't stopped smiling when touching or looking at your hands is because he did see it.

"Thanks... for coming with me." You squeeze his hands. _Someone is better than no one._ Otherwise, you'd probably be going back home by now.

He shakes his head sideways and runs his thumbs on your hands. "I told you I'd come with you."

You nod, but not even his presence is calming you down from how scared you are to hear what the doctor have to say. You never had a proper appointment with this kind of doctor before. _The last time I saw one, I wasn't in a good--_

He calls your name.

Saeran kisses your hand. "I'll be waiting for you." You nod, almost not wanting to let go of his hand.

"Hello, I'm Doctor Hong." You bow to each other and he gestures for you to enter his office.

It is a simple room, much smaller than Dr. Go Sojin's. It also has two chairs in front of his desk, which has a laptop and other papers on it. Next to it, another desk, with a printer and a few small decorative rocks around it. There is also a blind curtain covering half the wall behind him, where the daylight comes from. You imagine all the rooms on this floor are like this, because they all have the same window when you look from outside.

Dr. Hong is a middle aged man, and seemed kind right from his 'hello'. Like your therapist, he also wears a white coat, but under it, his clothes are all white too. It makes you feel like you're back in that hospital. But you focus on his face, which is nothing like that of the old doctor, the one who first introduced you into this world. Dr. Hong is a lot younger, with less wrinkles around his eyes, which are like crescent moons, instead of the big ones you expected. His lips are very thin, and so are his nose. In fact, you actually believe he would make a good actor during his younger days. _He is tall and seems to have a nice body, and he even has high cheekbones..._

"Now, MC..." You blink a few times, shaking these thoughts away. "Are you taking any medications?" You nod. "When and how did you start?"

You tell him all your story again... As you don't go into too much details, you strangely relax after each sentence.

"And how is your therapy going?"

"It's... very good." _According to her, at least, I've been doing progress._

"That's the spirit." He smiles and types something on his computer. "How do you like the medication you've been taking?"

"I... I'm not sure." You take a deep breath and try again. "I don't know if they are really working."

"Not working?" He raises his thick brows. "Have you been taking them like they were prescribed?"

"I have..." You look down to your hands. _What's the point if I lie?_ "...not. Not really."

"That's probably the reason, then." He turns to you, moving his laptop to the side a little. "This type of medicine only works on the long term, so you have to be very patient with them."

_What?_ "Are all meds like this?"

"No, not all of them. But for your case, most of them will work like this. But don't worry, since you're on psychological therapy now, it tends to work faster." You nod and he starts typing again. "Oh. Do you feel anything uncomfortable with them?"

"Yes!" You answer a little too enthusiastic, hoping this means he will change the pills you don't like. "I've been sleeping fine, but a lot more than I used to... and sometimes I have nightmares. Ohh, I also feel very dizzy!"

"I see... then I'm cancelling your sleeping pills." _Wait, no! That's not--_ "I don't see the need of you taking both of them, and it's probably the cause of your dizziness."

"Are you... Is this is really necessary?" Your voice shakes and you feel like standing up and beg him to give them back. "I've been taking them for longer than the--"

"It's fine. I'm also changing your antidepressants and see how you adjust to the new ones."

You get a little nervous about it, but the way he says it sounds so convincing... He types the new prescription, and prints them. He signs and gives you the papers. 

"Do you have any other questions, MC?" His voice is gentle, like he truly wants to answer you.

While looking at the papers, you think your only doubt is whether you'll have any episodes again... But you think he doesn't have the answer for this.

"No. Nothing for now."

"Well, then... I'll see you in a month." He smiles at you and gets up, walking you to the door. "Good luck, MC."

"Thank you, doctor." You bow to him, thankful for his words and his nice treatment towards you.

Saeran rushes to your side, with his face waiting for your words. "It was... better than I expected." He closes his eyes and sighs, relieved.

On your way home, you keep looking down at the new prescription you got, and didn't notice Saeran taking the wrong turn. You look at him confused when he turns off the engine.

"We should buy the the new medicine, don't you think?"

You clench your fists around the papers on your hands, bringing them closer to you. "No, we don't... We don't need to buy them right now."

"It's okay, it's better this way." He reaches for the prescription and you recoil. "It's almost time to replenish the ones you have at home, anyway."

You freeze. You want to disagree, but you can't. You have no idea about it anymore. You open your hands and let him take the papers from you. You watch him leave the car, wishing you still had control about your drugs...

Night comes. It's time for you to try out the new pills. They look almost like your old ones, except their colour is different. And now you only have to take one. _And no more sleeping pills._ You hesitate, but Saeran is watching you. You can't skip it or look for your old ones... You finish taking them and turn away from him.

"When did the doctor say the new medication will take effect?"

"He said... It works on the long term."

"Oh..." He kisses your shoulder. "When do you think it will be?"

"I don't know..." You close your eyes, focusing on the feeling of his warm kisses going up to your neck. "Hmm... maybe a few days. Weeks. Or month--"

"Months??" You flinch when he shouts behind you, then turn around to face him, wondering why he would want to talk about it right before making love to you.

"Yeah. He said it's unpredictable, but I shouldn't worry, because I'm doing therapy... Why are _you_ so worried about it?"

"It's nothing..." He looks down to your hands. "I just want you recovered soon."

_Recovered? He never used this word before._ "So you think I'm sick??"

"No, I..." He sighs. "I don't. I just meant I want you feeling better soon. Without--"

"Without what?? Without my problems?"

"You're overreacting. That's not what I meant at all." He tries to bring you closer to him, but you pull his hands away before he can even touch you.

You're not sure where this will take you, but something inside you just flips a switch.

"You told me we'd do this together... but I don't feel we're doing this together at all! You never... You never tell me the truth!" _There. I said it._

"I-I'm sorry, I..." He moves his eyes away from you. "I just don't want to trouble you."

"It would never trouble me! I want to know it! Please, tell m--"

He scoffs and nods sarcastically. "Unfortunately, I don't think you're ready yet."

You widen your eyes at his audacity to laugh in your face. "Wha-What does that even mean?? How am I not ready?"

He sighs again and pinches his nose. "Sorry..." He apologizes with a completely different tone. _Was it... his other side who said that?_ "It's better if we sleep."

"What? No, I don't want to!" You defy him like a bratty kid. "I want to hear your explanation."

"I have nothing to explain." He turns his back to you and lays down to sleep.

_Oh, no way! You don't get to sleep now! We still have to enjoy our time--_

You shake his arms a bit, carefully not to irritate him too much. "Come on, I won't sleep until you te--"

"I said we should sleep. I'm not in the mood to play pretend." You stop, with your hands hovering over his body, and your humor completely destroyed. His voice is not angry, but it is clearly a command you should obey unless you want to see him angry. 

You slowly take your place in the bed and lay awake the whole night. It's your first night without sleeping pills. Still, you're almost sure that it wasn't the lack of them that left you so awakened, but his words. You have no idea what they meant.

Deep inside, though... You know exactly why he said it.

\--

Two days later, you're on your way to therapy. You once again think about how Saeran just acted like that night never happened, or as if it was just another normal night for you. _What is his definition of ordinary?_

You know he often says offensive things, it is part of him. A normal part of _that side_ of him, at least. Sometimes he would say mean words to you before, and they would never bother you. _Then why is it bothering me now?_ Saeran even treated you as lovely as he usually does after that. And you tried hard to treat him the same way too, to pretend that nothing happened. But you were too absent-minded, and he probably noticed it. Such as now.

He shakes your leg and you take your eyes from the window to him. Only noticing now he's been calling your name and you did not hear it... 

"Sorry, I--"

"No problem... I just need you to get out of the car. I'll park in a place where the passenger door will be obstructed." 

"Oh. Yes, I..." You take off your seat-belt. "Sorry." You apologize again as you get out.

You keep thinking about the same thing over and over. It was not the first time he said something like that. And you know he probably didn't even mean it. But what if... _What if he's right? What if I'm the weird--_

"Are you okay?" He startles you when touching your arm all of sudden.

"Yes." You try to show him a smile.

"You are not having an episo--"

"No. I am not." You place your own hand over his arm. "I was just... distracted."

He frowns and tilts his head. "You've been very distracted lately." You look away. Yeah, I am. "Uhh.. Never mind." He takes your hand. "Let's get in?"

"Sure!" You try to sound excited as you let him lead you inside. _Maybe he is right. I should focus on getting better, indeed..._

When Dr. Go Sojin asks about your week, you wanted to talk about your... quarrel with Saeran. But you refrain from bringing him once again to your session.

"I saw that doctor you recommended." You decide to talk about this instead. "He prescribed me new medications."

"That's good! Did you start taking them already?"

"Yes, I..." _Oh, she too? Saeran was right, then. The sooner the better._ "I'll recover soon..." This last sentence comes almost as a whisper.

"Recover?" She frowns. "I thought you wanted to feel better." You lower your gazer to your feet. "What is recovery for you, MC?"

"I don't..." _How would I know?_ "I just think therapy and these drugs are for that, no?"

She nods and brings her chair closer to the desk and to you. "When you first came, you marked you knew you had issues... And that you knew the main reason why you had them. What is it?"

"I thought we talked about it already?" She doesn't show any signs of accepting this as the correct answer. "It's because of my--" You clench your fist, the one you used to have a ring on one of your fingers. "Because of Saeyoung. I can't sleep properly. I'm terrified of so many things. And... even my memories are a mess."

"Yes, I thought you would say that." She crosses her legs and leans on the back of her chair. "You may not to agree with me, but... The way you talked about your past, you do remember a lot of things. You probably are just confused, MC." _Confused? Is that the word?_ "How many years have you spent with your husband?"

"A little more than a year..." You speak slower than usual, trying to guess where this conversation is going.

"When did he leave?"

"Three years ago." You squeeze your eyes. _Why is she--_

"You've told me things from when you were with him." She picks up her notebook and flips some pages. "And from the second half of last year... Up until this moment. But almost nothing from the time between last year and three years ago."

"Well, that's... It's because I--" You try to elaborate an excuse, but nothing comes out.

"Sometimes..." She closes her notebook and puts on the desk. "Our brains might hide things from us, as some of them are very hurtful to us." She leans into the desk and you widen your eyes. "But what is most hurtful to you, as you said, is your husband. And yet, it's a memory you recall very well."

You look at her while she keeps talking, and you feel like you're being interrogated as if you've committed a terrible sin.

"I still remember when you first came, I asked you if you'd like to remember these memories... The ones that don't return even when you wake up after an episode." _Oh no. Not thes--_ "Now I'd like to make the same question again. Would you like to remember them?"

"I... I still don't know."

"And why is that?"

"I actually don't feel good remembering them." You touch your ring finger, missing the object that was there for so many years. "But I do want to get better. So if it's necessary, then I--"

"There is no such thing as necessary, MC. You only do what you feel it is right for yourself."

_What is right...? How could I know?_ "There are many people who want me to get better. I just... feel like I should."

"That is good that people want to see you better... but no one knows what's better for you other than yourself. We've been through this, no?" You nod. "So I will give you this week... for you to think about whether you want to remember these memories. If not, I won't mention them again." 

"Okay..." You nod as you accept this challenge. _How will I sort this out? I already have enough things to worry about in my present life, why bring up my past again? Is it really--_

"Is everything alright on your daily life, MC?"

"Wha-What do you mean?" You cannot believe her words. _Can she read minds??_

"I mean, is there anything bothering you? You seem worried about something." 

You hesitate. You really don't feel like talking about Saeran with her again. "It's just... It's probably the absence of my sleeping pills. I haven't slept these past couple of days."

"Oh. That's a bit worrisome. But it's normal to feel this way after..." She frowns. "When did you start taking them? I don't remember talking about this."

"Around two years ago."

"Do you really remember that or are you just guessing?"

You look down to your hands, _it was kind of a memorable moment, actually..._ But you're so exhausted, that you don't feel like talking about them today. "I know... Because of the prescription. I don't remember much of what happened that year." 

"What can you remember?" 

"The last four or three months. Barely..." 

"Of course." She keeps watching you for a few minutes. "Is there anything else you'd like to say before you go?"

"Hm? Is our time already...?" _She didn't even wrote anything on her notebook yet._

"I noticed you're very tired today, MC. I think you should get some rest."

"Yes, I... I will."

She walks with you to the door. "And do think about my request, yes?" You nod, trying to form a smile, but you imagine it was probably an awful sight to see, the ugly expression you showed her.

You're on your way back. At first, you thought your mind would be full of thoughts from that night with Saeran, like it was when you were on your way to your appointment. But you were wrong. Something about Dr. Go Sojin's words made you actually focus on her suggestion.

You sink your body on the comfortable seat of the car as Saeran drives through the traffic congestion. _Should I really remember what I want to forget? But when she mentioned something from my time with Jumin, I did avoid the topic..._

Speaking of Jumin, you remember it's been months since you last saw him... You also haven't talked--

_Of course. He promised me, didn't he?_

You shake these thoughts away and focus on the person beside you today. You turn your head to your left side and can't help but remember his words from that night again... 

_"I'm not in the mood to play pretend."_

Your eyes start blurring and you fight to keep the tears hidden. _If he sees me crying, he will start asking me questions, and I--_

Saeran notices you staring. He gives you a small smile, lifting just the corner of his lips. But you don't feel the same happiness emanating from him as you felt months ago. It is something you've been noticing for weeks now... _He's showing me his sad smile again, I'm certain of it. And he didn't even notice me crying._

You feel your heart crumbling into a million pieces as you watch him. Your new life together is going nothing like you imagined. _Nothing in my life ever was, who am I kidding...?_ And that's when you remember Jumin's words. Those cursed words from two months ago... 

_"It upsets him to be treated as another person."_

You close your eyes and take a deep breath, as you feel your throat clenching and your lungs burning. _Is this what I'm doing to Saeran? Destroying his happiness along with mine?_ You look at him once again, driving with his sad smile still on. _It seemed possible to deny back then, that he wasn't happy with me, but now..._

_So that's the meaning of his words! He is tired of pretending. And it means... he is getting tired of me. That's why he's been acting all weird since we started therapy too, ignoring me from time to time, insulting our-- my friends. He just had enough of me!_

You try as hard as you can to control your incoming sobs, looking up to the slow moving urban scenery outside the window. _Maybe he just thought he had the obligation to take care of me after his brother left... And now he just wants me to recover as soon as possible, just so he can be free of me, without feeling guilty for his brother's mistake. Just so he can go on with his life, without a burden like me by his side..._ It's the only explanation your mind comes up with.

The car stops at a red light and you take another deep breath, sneakily drying the tears that already left your eyes. You take his free hand on yours, intertwining your fingers. _This will be... our last drive together as a couple, my love._ You kiss his knuckles and he looks at you, surprised by the sudden intimate act.

"Is everything okay?" He asks with one of his eyebrows lifted. 

"Ye-Yeah" You smile, looking down at his hands. "Could you... drive slower? I want to watch the lively city a little more, please?" You look up at him, bringing his hand to your chest.

He frowns at you, still confused. "Of course, my love." Then turns his head forward again.

_I'm sorry I'm breaking our promise..._

_If I could, I would make so that this ride would last forever..._

_But I have to let you go._

With teary eyes, you not once looked at the sunny downtown streets through the window, keeping your gaze on him all the time.

Until you got home.

_Goodbye, my love..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the chapters I was most excited to write. I hope you enjoyed reading it ♥


	12. The Ugliest Things Are One's Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: suicide attempt

Living with only one other person, it's very difficult to ignore them when they insist to accompany you. You had no idea how Saeran was able to do this with you. _Oh, well... he is the one who's tired of me, so I suppose it's easier for him to push me away whenever he wants._

You told him you were not feeling okay to help him with lunch. You knew it was only a temporary solution, because he would definitely come check on you later, but it was the only one you could come up at the time. If he noticed your shaky voice, he didn't say, he only asked if you needed something. _Yes_ , you wanted to answer him, _for you to stop pretending._ But even if you told you him you found out about his plan, you knew he would deny it. _He said so himself. That I was not ready to hear the truth... But now I know._ And the least you can do is make it easier for him until you're able to live on your own.

"I promise I will get better soon... Saeran." You whispered to your dark bedroom, facing the door you had just closed.

You curled yourself up in the bed then, and finally let yourself cry as much as you wanted. Until your head was so heavy that you felt yourself dozing off. _I'm sure this pain will end, anyway... Once I'm... recovered._

Laying sideways, trying to move your right arm a little closer to your face, you use more strength than usual, but it still doesn't work. _Am I... trapped?_ , you wonder while on your still sleepy state. Without opening your eyes, you try moving the rest of your body. Your legs are free, so you pull them closer. Your left arm, which is under your body, is also free. _Then what is happening with--_

You move your right arm again and now you understand what is going on. _His arm is holding me in place. And his whole body is against my back. How did I not notice it before?_ And with your constant movements, his hand brings you closer and he lets out a deep sigh. The sudden gust of air makes you tremble, as it hits a sensitive spot on your neck.

You shut your eyes to suppress these sensations. _I shouldn't think of it while he's asleep..._ You sigh. _Actually, from now on, I shouldn't even think about it at all._ You put your legs out of the bed to use them as support to free yourself from him, then wait a few more minutes, until his breaths are a bit more stable.

Slowly and steadily, you slide your body down the mattress and into the floor. _Almost... almost..._ You try to make your exit as smooth as possible, and Saeran doesn't seem to notice, while you try to keep his own arm on the same place. _Now all I need to do is free my hand from--_ His grip on you is too tight, and the next thing you feel is yourself falling.

He turns on the lamp, and with your free hand you shield your eyes from the sudden brightness.

"Where... were you going?" The rough voice of someone who just woke up asks you.

You look up at him, waiting for your eyes to adjust to the new light, and it almost makes you forget about the rest of your body. When he pulled you by the hand, you fell over him. And this time, you're really trapped, with one of your hands being held by him, while his other is keeping your body in place over his own. Still, you try to get away, with both actions and words.

"I was... I need to use the bathroom!"

While you keep trying to get away, he pulls you closer. "Is that it?" You hesitate, staring back at his big mint eyes that frowns at you, but still nod. So he frees you.

It is always the first excuse that pops up on your mind, but this time you actually needed to use the bathroom. You finish washing your hands, and wonder how long has it since you fell asleep. _If he-- Saeran was already sleeping for quite some time, by the sound of his voice, it must be around midnight?_ You walk to the door and stop. Going back there means going back into his arms, and that is something you can't do.

_Ha... And how am I going to avoid it? We sleep in the same bed. If I just start suddenly refusing it, he will notice it. And then... then he will deny everything._ You grab the doorknob with force as your knees tremble. _I knew it was fake right from the start. I knew it. But I was hoping... He would do it because he wanted. Not because he thought he was indebted to me for what his brother did._

_Once again._ You laugh instead of sobbing. _Once again, you destroy my happiness, Saeyoung. This is the third time already... when will it be enough?_

You open the door and walk to your side of the bed. Saeran apparently already got back to sleep. He's still facing your side, but as you sit with your your back facing him again, it feel less difficult to deal with. Before you lay your head, though, you decide to check the time on your phone. _I don't feel sleepy anymore, but if it's still too far from the morning, then I have to--_

_Shit._ The screen marks 4:11 a.m., which means you've slept for a little more than twelve hours already. Naturally, without your sleeping pills, you don't feel like sleeping anymore tonight. You put your phone back on the nightstand and turn your gaze back to the man sleeping in your bed. _He looks so handsome even in his sleep... I could just stay here and watch him for the rest of the night._ You lift your hand to brush a strand of his red hair that fell on his face.

But while you do so, you look at your own fingers. And noticing that something's missing, you pull back your arms with a jolt, as if touching Saeran burned you. _He's not Saeyoung. He is not... my love anymore. This is something I can easily forget when he's... looking so much like him, laying beside me like this._

You stand up and grab your phone. _The living room or the kitchen, anywhere but here..._ You decide to spend the rest of your waking night without him, thinking about what to do with the longing that you can't get rid of.

\--

Of course it would be harder than you thought. There was no way to avoid Saeran without arising suspicions. After being intensely questioned because you kept yourself in the bedroom the previous day and declined his... passionate touches at night, you realized you could never escape from him while staying at home. You told him you were having a bad day, and he seemed to accept it as an answer. But you knew you could not keep this act for much longer. So the only other plan you had in mind was to get away from the bunker and from him.

Not for good. That would also be against... your own will and make him aware of your decision. But for some time, at least, you could do it. Even if it was only for a few hours away from him, that would be enough for you.

You messaged Jaehee inviting her to spend your Sunday together. She initially was going to work, but a few hours later she called you back and said she managed to get a day off. You told her you had invited Zen in the meantime. Jaehee then said she'd be glad to welcome you both in her house.

So, here you are. Siting on the passenger seat, inside a car parked right in front of her house. _It almost feels like that last time I was about to meet them a few months ago. But today..._ You look to your left side. Today you don't feel scared to meet them. Instead, you felt like getting out of the car as soon as you got here. But Saeran keeps looking at you, as if waiting for you to say something. _I'm sorry..._ You turn away from him and open the door.

"Thanks for the ride, I'll call you whe--"

"Are you sure..?" His hand grabs your left wrist right before your body is completely out of the vehicle.

You don't face him again, afraid that if you do see his sad face, the one he makes when he uses the sad voice he just did to make you the last question, you'll give up and go back home. So you do the same as him... You pretend. Even if it breaks your heart to see him like this, you pretend that everything is alright.

"Am I sure... of what?" You ask him with an innocent tone, and your eyes on the car's dashboard.

You hear him taking a deep breath and feel his grip on you tightening. _I'm doing this for your own good, Saeran. Please, don't hate me._ "Never mind." He frees you and you almost let out a sigh of relief. "Just... don't forget to call me, okay?" You nod, then leave him, without looking back one single time.

It's still early in the afternoon when you ring her doorbell. Jaehee invites you in and you slowly walks inside, trying to recall the last time you've been in her small apartment. It wasn't as small as Zen's or Yoosung's, but compared to Jumin's penthouse or Saeyoung's bunker, it was smaller. But you still remember the sofa where you sat when she showed her wedding gift. You also remember there is a guest somewhere... _The bedroom I used to sleep before I--_

Jaehee calls your name and you turn your head to her. "Is everything alright?"

"I'm sorry." You smile to her. "I was just... feeling a bit nostalgic about when we used to live together."

"Oh." She also gives you a smile, then looks to a door, and you guess that is the place you are thinking about. "Yes, it's been quite some time since then..."

"Yeah, it has..." Your voice trails off. _And perhaps... I should have stayed here._ _For Saeran's own good._ You don't regret living this life with him, if only it depended on your own desires alone, you could keep going until you both died of old age together... But you can't ignore his wishes anymore. You can't pretend when he is not willing to pretend with you. _So I have to le--_

"MC?" Jaehee takes your hands and you look up at her face. "You don't look so good. Is something wrong?"

"I..." For a moment, you hesitate, wanting to tell Jaehee everything. _But how will it help?_ You give her another smile. "I'm good." _It won't help. It will only make her worry more than she already does._ You let go of her hands and stand up. "Can we... make that cake we used to bake together?"

She frowns, probably aware of your strategy to avoid talking about what's really bothering you, but she can't do anything other than accepting your decision. "Yes... Yes, of course."

You follow her into the kitchen, and to be honest, you didn't remember at all the recipe to this cake she mentioned on her text message that other time. You just wanted to do something that would keep yourselves distracted from the serious talk. Jaehee noticed you forgot it, and you said that it's just been a long time.

"You are right, but..." She stops mixing the ingredients, but keeps looking at the bowl in front of her. "You also told me... You had memorized it, since we ha--" The doorbell rings and she looks at you. "It must be Zen. I need to keep mixing this. Could you open the door for me?"

You nod and thank Zen in your head that he saved from the awkward reply you'd have to give her. _How could I explain to her that my brain deleted almost all the memories from that time? She wouldn't have believed me even if I told her the truth..._ The truth being the fact that you don't want to remember anything related to Jumin. You chuckle and shake your head while you open the front door. _I sound so much like..._

"Oh my--" You have no time to react as Zen lifts you from the floor in his strong arms. "It's good to see you too, Zen!" You laugh and return his hug, only then he places you back on the floor.

"I missed you so much, babe! You look even prettier than the last time I saw you." He gently fixes your hair and you start blushing with his compliment, as per usual. "I was so happy when you sent me that message, you have no idea!"

"Thanks, Zen... I missed you too. I really wanted to see you guys today." You give him an honest smile, and you're really glad to have invited him today. Zen always make you blush with his exaggerated compliments, sometimes even towards himself, but he also makes you feel welcomed whenever you are. Today, it's no exception. _It was really the right choice to come here._

"How have you been? It's been months since we met!"

"I've been... Good. How about you? Any news about that new musical?"

"I have!" He reaches for the pockets inside his jacket and takes out a paper. "Here it is! The opening night is in two weeks, and I got entrance tickets!"

"That's so kind of you, Zen!! Thank you so much!" You take the tickets from his hand and read it. _Dracula: The Musical._ "Ohh, are you starring as Count Dracula?"

"Of course I am..." He leans into you slowly and squeezes his red eyes. Then he shows you his white teeth in a grin. You widen your eyes and want to take a step back, but he surprises you with his low voice brushing your lips before you can make any other moves. "You don't think I can make it, my dear?"

"Stop teasing her, Zen." Jaehee comes into the living room, and both you and Zen turn your head to her.

"Sorry, MC." He distances himself from you. "I was just showing you my characterization of Dracula." He gives you his usual smile again, and you nod, feeling a little overwhelmed by his acting. _How can his co-stars handle this?_

"Congratulations, Zen." Jaehee continues as she approaches you two. "I'm so excited to see you as Dracula!"

"Thanks, Jaehee! Here is yours." He gives her one ticket. "And..." He gives her another. "Give one to the CEO-in-line too."

"Thank you, Zen." Jaehee takes the tickets on her hands as if they were treasures. You can feel her fangirling from where you stand.

"And this..." Zen turns to you again. "Is Saeran's."

You hesitate to take it, almost sure that he won't accept to go, since he doesn't like to go out with your friends any-- _Or am I the one who doesn't want him to go?_ You close your eyes, ashamed of yourself. You thank Zen and take away the now both tickets he gave you.

Later, you helped Jaehee finish the final steps of the cake, following her instructions. The three of you ate it together. You found its taste familiar, but you still couldn't remember anything from when you used to make it. You also didn't try very hard to, since today was a day for you to forget about your problems, so that's what you focused on.

The next few hours passed like they were only minutes. Zen talked about his colleagues and how much fun he was having rehearsing this new musical. He said it was one of the biggest productions he ever been part of, so he was really giving his best. Not that it was different from all of his other roles, you and Jaehee pointed out.

She also talked about her job. Apparently, Chief Han has been annoying Jumin. To escape from him, her boss decided to overwork himself, and as his right hand, Jaehee was caught in the middle. "At least", she said, "I can choose my days-off whenever I want". And you were glad today was one of those. You were having so much fun talking and spending your time together with both her and Zen, that you had no idea what you'd do if Jumin didn't allow her to be free today.

Then, for a moment, you also worried about him. Jumin wasn't like normal people. When he had these problems with his father, he wouldn't know when to stop until his body was completely drained. But it only lasted for a few seconds, as Zen changed the subject of the conversation to his own boss, and you had to pay attention to him. _Besides_ , you questioned yourself, _when did I start worrying about Jumin again?_

Your chat lasted a couple hours, and you always avoided talking about yourself, as to not ruin the mood. You also played some board games together, and it was the most fun you had in a very long time. Your only wish was for Yoosung to be here too. That would make this the perfect day. Still, it was as good as it was already. But, unfortunately, all good times comes to an end.

"Well, ladies. It was a pleasure to have your company today, but I must go." Zen says while picking up his jacket.

"Noo Zenny, so soon?" You also stand up, trying to make him stay a little longer by using these words and showing him a pouch.

"Ha..." He leaves his jacket, turns around and walks closer to you. He looks at your face, then slowly lifts his hand, and start playing with a few strands of your hair. You feel your cheeks burning with the lack of space between you, then he embraces you and whispers. "Sorry, honey. I wish I could stay. But I have rehearsals tomorrow." You nod and hug him back.

You let him go, so he can say bye to Jaehee. You don't want to admit it, but it is really getting late, and you don't want to bother her too. So once Zen leaves, making you both, especially you, promise to meet him on the opening night of his musical, you decide to call Saeran.

It's been a long time since you used your phone to talk to him. _The last time I was going to, Jaehee stopped me and told me to get in that black car instead..._ _which is not important now._ What is important, though, is which contact you're going to call. You remember you have two names saved under the same number. And just a week ago, you wouldn't think twice before calling the one your heart yearns for.

Today, the contact you select is "Saeran".

"M-My love?" He sounds all nervous, and you have no idea why.

"Hey. Can you... come?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm on my way. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"A few minutes?" _Our house is definitely not a few minutes from Jaehee's, so how can--_

"I am... in a café nearby."

"Oh? Alright."

"See you soon."

The call ends and you keep staring at the floor. Jaehee sits beside you on the couch, and you tell her his exactly words.

"He's in a café nearby, he'll be here in a few minutes."

"Don't worry. I'm used to sleep late... Even if he got here midnight, it would be fine."

"Thank you, Jaehee."

But you worry exactly because Saeran won't arrive around midnight. If he had gone back home, like he was supposed to, he would take a few hours to get here and you wouldn't be worrying.

_A café? Seriously, Saeran?_

You almost want to call him back and ask why did he lie to you. And you're sure this is a lie because Saeran would never spend his day on a public place like this. _He would never expose himself unnecessarily... And staying in a place for too long would definitely--_

Your phone pings. It's a new message...

_Saeran: I'm here, my love. (9:25 p.m.)_

You quickly locks the screen again, not being able to stare at his words for too long.

Just before opening the door, Jaehee stops and turn around to face you.

"I'm... sorry if I'm bothering you. Will you accept to have lunch with me this week?"

"Lunch? Of course I would love that, Jaehee!" You smile, but your inner thought is too sad to be happy. _Anything to spend a little more time away from Saeran..._

"I'm glad to hear that." She smiles back at you. "What day will you be back in the city?"

"Thursday. I have... therapy in the morning."

"Sounds perfect. Can we meet at C&R after that?"

_Does it have to be there?_ But then again, that's where she works, so you guess you'll have to meet her there even if you want to spend lunch somewhere else. "Yes, sure."

"Good! See you there, MC. Take care until then."

"Thanks, Jaehee. You too."

You get in the car and the first thing you notice is a drink on Saeran's hand. _Was he... really in a café? But how? When did he start feeling comfortable enough to go--_

"Do you want some?" He offers you whatever it is that he is drinking. You shake your head and sit back on the passenger sit, laying your head back and closing your eyes.

_I really have been keeping him from living the life he wants to live. I'm doing the right thing by letting him go..._

\--

After a week since you started your new meds, you already feel almost no dizziness, and your sleeping schedule is barely resembling those of a normal human. You do sleep, but you sleep a lot less than you used to even before your... nightmare life began. You always wake up with or even earlier than Saeran. _He can't call me sleeping princess anymore..._

Since the week started, you've been helping him with breakfast and he finds it so strange. You've always helped him with lunch or dinner, but breakfast was something he especially prepared for you. But you want this, as many other things he does for you, to stop. You really want to get rid of this burden for him, so he can go on with his life a peace of mind. So you help him, as to also show him that you are capable of taking care of yourself.

On the other hand, what you have found strange is the fact that he has stopped trying to kiss you or touch you ever since you got home from Jaehee's. Except for this, he has been treating you as lovely as ever. Nothing happened on your back to justify his new behaviour. You didn't even talk, since you soon fell asleep once he started driving. _But something must have happened, otherwise he would be asking for-- No, you realized, he wouldn't._ That was another thing you made him pretend to want. And now you are setting him free...

Wednesday comes, and just like the past two days, you are helping with breakfast. It would be just like the other previous days, if you had not decided to cook something special.

"I know it's just the two of us... but we have to celebrate Chuseok!" You told him the evening before. "We didn't do anything last year, let's do something tomorrow!"

In fact, you really did not care about Chuseok. _It won't be the same thing without Saeyoung here..._ But still, you just wanted to celebrate something together with Saeran. You realized your days with him were counted, so you had to make nice memories, before you actually said goodbye to him.

Now you are both in the kitchen, cooking together a special recipe for this holiday.

"Now we just need to add the wat--" He freezes when your hand touches his cheeks, then looks down to your fingers, full of honey.

"You are too serious! This is not a test." You try to cheer him up a bit. _Please, make it a nice memory for us..._

"I... I don't want to mess it up." He cleans the honey from his face and focuses back on the Songypeon pieces in front of him.

You contort your mouth, unsatisfied with his response. _Fine, let's cook it your way, Saeran..._

When the moon cakes are ready, he gives you one. It's one of the best dishes you have ever tasted in your life. It's not too sweet, like you thought he would like to be, and not too chewy, like the previous Songypeon you ate before.

"Oh my God, this is really, really good!!" You say with your mouth full.

He smiles when you look up at him, who is standing next to you. It's his genuine smile, one he rarely gives you lately. And at this moment, you are glad you decided to do something different today. _Even if we are not lovers, I'm glad I can still make you happy..._ You lower your gaze to the piece in your hands and take another bite. Then, without any announcement, he slowly lifts your chin to meet his eyes again.

"Actually, this day... is even more special than Chuseok." He stares into your eyes while waiting for you to remember something after his words, but nothing comes into your mind.

"I... I'm not sure I follo--"

He snorts and lets you go, turning his back from you. "Of course you don't remember. But that day... I will never forget it." He takes a deep breath and then walks to the kitchen counter. "Four years ago. In this same kitchen, exactly where I am today. It was the first time I ever exchanged words with you ever since... Ever since I started living in this house."

You keep looking at his profile, since he refuses to face you. As he describes the moment, you know exactly what he's talking about. _It was the time I decided to talk to him after Saeyoung found out why Saeran kept avoiding me..._ You want to tell him that you vaguely remember now, but you don't want to interrupt him, so you pay attention to what he has to say.

"That day, I was ready to do what I had decided to do when you moved in. I would just ignore you, because I thought... I thought you hated me." He chuckles and you take a step forward to comfort him, but you stop yourself. _I can't be this person._ "But then... accidentally, I told... him that I was the one who made your life a mess, so how could you not hate me? And I thought he would see it for himself. That you hated me. But instead, you showed up here."

He turns to you again and closes the distance between you. You're not sure how, but his mint eyes are so bright, you can't keep yours away from them.

"When you entered that door, I was cooking breakfast, like usual. You called my name. And like the previous times, I ignored you... But then you said it. The words I carry on with me ever since. You said..." He closes his eyes and you move your gaze to his lips. "Don't blame yourself for what others forced you to do. And please, once and for all, stop thinking it was a mistake to bring me into your lives, because it wasn't. I will never regret meeting you." He opens his eyes again. "Do you remember what I answered?"

"You said... that you still regretted many things."

He nods. "Then you gave me an even better response. You told me I shouldn't regret, but accept them. That I should start living a new life, something not many were gifted with."

_How could I have forgotten that I said that before?_ You take a step back, you want to run, to leave him right now, but Saeran starts talking again.

"That's why, this day is so important to me. I will never forget it. And I don't think I ever said it, so..." He closes the distance you have put between your bodies and, with hesitant moves, he embraces you. His touch is comforting, but his next words hurt you more than anything he said so far. "I know we have started a new life together last year... But for me, a new life only started when you said that."

_Only... when I said that?_ It was like he confirmed whatever doubt you had left. _But then it means... last year, he gave up his new life, to help me fulfill with my own wishes._ You look up to face him and he's smiling at you, sincerely smiling as he remembers that time. That time, when you were only his sister-in-law. _I don't deserve him. He is doing all of this... for my own selfish... and insane wishes!_

You bury your face on his chest as you start feeling that distasteful familiar sensation behind your eyes. Saeran doesn't show any signs to let go of you, so you keep still. A minute later, you're soaking his shirt with your tears. Another one, and your sobs become too loud for you to hide from him.

"Hey, hey... What's wrong?" He pulls away and places his hands on your wet face. You stay silent, because your sobs keep you from talking, and because you can't tell him the truth. "Don't worry, my love... I am here n--"

You start crying louder. _Please, don't call me that. Please, don't tell me you're staying by my side._ You don't think you'll be able to watch him sacrifice himself for much longer.

After apologizing, you try as hard as you can to go back to acting as cheerful as you were before this talk. Of course it does not work, so you end up spending the rest of your day in your bed.

_I will regain my strength back. I promise you, Saeran._

\--

"So..." Dr. Go Sojin places her notebook on the desk. "How was this week for you, MC."

"It was..." You decide to tell her the truth, for once. "Okay. I had my happy and sad moments."

"Oh." She lifts one her thin eyebrows. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Uh..." _Certainly not about Saeran_. "I visited Jaehee. My friend I used to live with."

"Did you enjoy your time with her?"

"Yes! We had a lot of fun. Zen was there too. We even made the same cake we used to bake when we lived together."

"How was your life with her?"

"I... don't remember." She lifts her eyes from the notebook to you. "But I have decided! I... thought about your... your question."

"And what is your answer?"

"I want to remember everything. I want to... get better. Whatever it takes."

She frowns at your words, but doesn't ask anything about them. "Alright... If that's what you decided, by yourself, then I will help you." She flips some pages of her notebook. "We will start with the most recent events, and then go backwards. This way your brain may naturally activate the 'cause memories' as you tell me the consequences."

"Okay..."

"You should start with the day of your first episode, is that alright?" You nod. "You said it was around May, last year?"

"Yeah... I was living with Jaehee back then. I don't remember the exact date, but it was probably the second half of this month." _I think I remember it was near the end of the month when I moved back into the bunker._ "I actually only remember waking up in the hospital... But hours earlier, I woke up in my bed at Jaehee's, with no memories of my past years, and barely able to move. Jaehee called Jumin, who took me to the hospital." You sigh, hating to remember this part of your life. "In the hospital, I... was under treatment for a week. I also experienced therapy for the first time. And... I guess that's it?"

"Yes, very good. Now, what happened before... when you were living with Jaehee?"

"Hmm... I think... Not much. Jaehee said we had fun together, so I guess there isn't..." _Oh. Right... It wasn't all fun._

"Did my method work, MC?" You look to her face and she is trying to read you, but you are just too scared to keep diving into your memories. "Last time, you said you hadn't been feeling well for a few days, and if I had to guess, you were right. Most patients don't have their first episodes all of a sudden. It's only after several days, or even months, under constant pressure."

_Pressure..._ "Yes, I guess that's what I was dealing with back then."

"Why do you say so?"

"I had told Jaehee about my plan to go..." _back to the bunker._ "Live with Saeran. But she was against it..." You regret saying this out loud. _How am I going to explain this now?_ "She probably knew I was not well." _Is this enough?_

_"MC, I don't think it's a good idea..."_

_"Jaehee, I... I know. It also looks scary for me... to go back living in that house. But I don't want to go back to Jumin's apartment. And I can't continue living with you either."_

_"Why not? I truly don't mind--"_

_"Thank you, but... I want to go back."_

_"I understand. Then... Why don't you spend a month with me, and see how things really goes? I think... Maybe you should think it over?"_

_I smiled to her. I knew she was worried, she thought going back there would affect me and make me feel worse than I already was._

"So I accepted her offer. I stayed with her for a month before going on with my original plan, which was living with Saeran. I told him that, and he was fine with it." _Always so considerate with me..._ "But when a month had passed, I was actually unable to go."

You frown and press your hands together, trying to control the pain of this memory. For the first time, you regret a decision you made. _How good would that be for Saeran, if I had decided to stay with Jaehee..?_

"Unable to..? Why is that?" Her voice keeps you from falling too much on the past.

"Saeran kept asking when I was going to come and meet him. And I kept telling him I had to sort out some things first... But in fact, I was just scared. I had grown used to live with Jaehee." You sigh and look to the ceiling. "It wasn't a perfect life... Jaehee worked a lot. And I spent most of my time alone because of that. But then again, when she was with me, I was happy. And after a month living the same routine, I was scared to face the new..."

_So another week passed and I had barely noticed. While Jaehee was away, I spent my days thinking and rethinking about the possibles futures I could have, compared to the shitty present I was having. But then, Jaehee arrived and cheered me up. I was doing nothing of my life, but at least I had a friend who truly cared about me. And our moments together were always full of laughter, so I really didn't care about the sad parts. But I felt disconnected from reality and did not even see the whole month passing..._

"One day, when we were having dinner together, she was talking about the last meeting she was about to have that month. That week, I noticed, I had reached the last day of April, without deciding anything." _Oh, there was this too..._ "I also started to rely more on my sleeping pills. After dinner, I'd take a bath and go to sleep, only with the help of my pills. Otherwise, no sleep for me." _I probably took more pills than I should have, and more often than I should have..._

"I see... so you already had plans to live with Saeran for months before you actually went." You lower your gaze to her and nod. "And when did you make these plans?"

"Well, it was..." You squint your eyes, trying to remember. You do recall his offer, but not when it was. "I don't know."

"Let's see here..." She reads what she just wrote down on her notebook "You said Jaehee told you to spend a month with her. And then, when you noticed, it was the end of April. Then it means, it was in March, no?"

"Yes... Our agreement was back in March." And you can't help but smile as the image from that afternoon comes back into your mind. _How I wish we could go back to that da--_

"MC?" You look at your therapist, startled by her voice. "What agreement was this?"

"Of our new life, of course..." You find a comfortable position, knowing fully well that you're about to say is going to open your wound.

_Everyday Jaehee got home from work, she would tell me the exact same words. "Mr. Han asked about you." And everyday I only nodded. I was living with her for a week already, and she still tried to change my mind about going back to Jumin's apartment. I was not sure about it myself, but she was sure that Jumin and I would go back to what we were before._

_"No matter what you feel about it, MC... He truly cared about you... Even though he hid tha--"_

_"He shouldn't have."_

_"Well, you are right, but... You know him. He always thinks what he does is for the best."_

_"The best?" I looked at her with a shocked expression. "I am the only one who knows what's best for me!" I still can't believe I used to think about it once in my life..._

_"Sometimes, relying on friends is not bad, don't you think?"_

_"Jaehee! You are taking his side!"_

_"I am not, MC. Please, don't think that... I'm just trying to be neutral. He is my boss, but both of you are my friends. And I don't want to see you fighting."_

_I knew she was right. "I... I know. It's just... It's difficult for me. At least, for now."_

_"I understand." She put her arm around my shoulders and I truly felt her support. "You can take as long as you need."_

"I decided to talk to Saeran... A week after I started living with Jaehee. I thought he... should have known about my discovery. The reason why I left Jumin's house. I met him at a park and told him all about it. The letter Saeyoung left for Jumin."

_Just remembering about it, I cried back then, as I want to cry right now._

"The... letter?" You nod, and take a deep breath to continue.

"Yes... I asked Saeran if he knew about it, but... he seemed more worried about my cries than the letter itself." You laugh among your sobs.

_He really looked pretty nervous when I started crying, forgetting all about the news I brought with me instead..._

_"Are you... are you not surprised?"_

_"Hm?" He kept staring at me, as if he was in a trance._

_"The letter, Saeran! Did you know about it?"_

_"Oh." He moved his eyes to the floor. "Yes, I am surprised. I never thought... I did not know about this."_

_"God... I am so disappointed with Jumin for hiding this from me!" I tried to dry my tears. "How am I supposed to live with him now?"_

_"Then..." He cleared his throat. "Then maybe you shouldn't."_

_"What? I shouldn't? But Saeyoun--"_

_"Is not here anymore. And he completely underestimated how you'd be after he left. He completely disregarded your feelings and even lied to you, MC! Why should you comply to his last wishes?"_

_"It... it makes sense... If he left me to live a new life, then so should I."_

_"Yes!" He agreed with me then, but he didn't know he was about to imprison himself..._

_"But what... What am I going to do?? I don't even know where to start..." I started crying again._

_"You can... find out little by little, just like I once have. Actually..." He looked at me and smiled. "Twice now."_

_I looked at him, and admired his courage. I didn't know back then that I was the one who gave him a reason to start a new life and that was why he was smiling at me. And he didn't know back then that I would be the same person to stop him from living his new life. But still, he comforted me._

_He dried my tears with his gentle thumbs. "We both deserve to be happy... despite being forsaken by my stupid brother."_

_When his warm hands touched me, I instantly felt better._

_The setting sun made his face blush under the orange sky, his red hair more vividly, and his minty eyes could almost be mistaken as the golden I often saw in my nightmares. I put my hand over the one that cupped my face, and leaned my head as I closed my eyes. I just wanted that moment to last forever..._

"Is that letter the reason why you left Jumin's house?"

You hesitate, because you know you'll have to talk about it. "Yes." 

"How did you find it?"

"It was... a week before I met Saeran." _This... is a memory I can't forget. But this story start a few days before that._ "By the end of February last year, Yoosung was finishing his fourth year at college, so he wanted to celebrate. He invited all his friends for a party. What we didn't know, was that it was also a farewell party. Yoosung announced he was going to start his military service."

_Unavoidably, I met Saeran, who I haven't met for months because of Jumin. During this party, it wasn't any different. Jumin never left my side for one second. And when we got in the car, on our way back home, I questioned him about it._

_"Don't you trust me?"_

_"I don't trust you in his care."_

_"Jumin, I'm not a child!"_

_"Then you should start acting like an adult then."_

_"Excuse me?" I started shouting and Driver Kim probably heard me by then. "What do you mean?"_

_"You don't take care of yourself, so I do it for you. It's simple." He said it without even looking at me, and it enraged me._

_"Well, then you don't need to do anything, I know what I'm doing with--"_

_"No, you do not." He finally faced me. "You are not in your clear mind. You need help, MC."_

_I was about to answer him when we arrived at his building. The elevator ride was suffocating. When it reached the floor of the apartment he was currently lending to me, I quickly rushed to get away from him. But the sound of his heels followed me. Exhausted from the party and from the argument we had in the car, I just wanted to take a shower and sleep._

_"You should go home, Jumin." I said as I entered the living room, Jumin a few steps behind me._

_"I want to see you taking your medication from now on."_

_"What the fuck is this?" I shouted and turned to face him. "A mental institution?"_

_He kept staring at me, not moving while I tried to enter my room. So I pushed him away, but his body was like a tower._

_"Please, stop..." His voice so low, I don't know how I heard it._

_"No, you stop! You don't need to care about me!"_

_"You are my responsibility, then yes, I need to--" I looked at him confused. "Never mind I said that."_

_"No way! What did you mean by that?"_

_"I meant nothing, MC. I just--"_

_"You did! Tell me what it is!"_

_"I did not mean anything..." He turned around to leave. But I couldn't leave things at that._

"That same night, when Jumin and I were going home, we had an argument. That's how I found out everything Jumin was doing for me was actually suspiciously forced. He told me he was taking care of me because it was his responsibility. I tried to make him talk, but he just wouldn't tell me..."

_I couldn't let him leave that door, and I knew my words alone wouldn't change his mind. I scanned my surroundings and found a vase. I didn't think twice before throwing it on the marble floor._

_With the crashing echoing sound, Jumin immediately turned back to face me. But I knew it wouldn't be enough. So I picked a broken piece of porcelain from the ground and pointed it to my throat. He rushed to get closer to me, the broken vase was the only thing separating us._

_"If my life means nothing, then you can let me go."_

_"I... I never... I never meant that. Your life is more important to me than anything else in my life."_

_He lifted his hand, trying to calm me down, but I was calm already. He, on the other hand, had completely lost his composure. Jumin started saying things that was so unlike him, I actually worried about him, but I needed answers._

_"Then what... What did you mean, Jumin?"_

_"Just... put this down."_

_"Promise me you will talk!"_

_"Yes. I promise you anything."_

_That day was the first time, ever since I met Jumin, that I saw his desperate eyes. Not even when he lost his best friend, not even when Rika went away. Jumin was only desperate when I threatened to kill myself._

_I did as he asked, and let go of the porcelain piece. But when I looked down, my hand was bleeding. Who knew porcelain could actually cut you so deep? I did not have time to react, to walk to the bathroom and do the correct procedures. Jumin was faster than me. He quickly approached me and used his own tie to stop my bleeding._

_"We'll need to disinfect it later, but I can't let you loose any more blood." I nodded, then looked up to his eyes, which watched me carefully. They were a lot calmer. And suddenly he embraced me. "Never do this again. I would never bear to lose you."_

_It was unfair. Because just a few minutes ago, I was mad at him, and now, because of these words, I was melting into his warm arms and returning his hug._

_"Please, promise me not to do this sort of thing again."_

_"I... I promise."_

_He lifted my face and said something that made me blush back then, but I did not know it would still haunt me until today. "All I want is... for you to be safe."_

_"Then... What did you mean by that?" He closed his eyes and shook his head. So I pulled him away. "Han Jumin!"_

_"I'm sorry. It... It's something I should not tell you."_

_"But you promised!"_

_"I apologize... I really--"_

_"Congratulations!" I clapped my hands, sarcastically. "You are truly assuming V's role as RFA's leader. Including the secretive bullshit!"_

_"MC... It's not the same."_

_"It is the same to me!" There was no way he would tell me, so I gave up and locked myself in my room._

"I completely stopped seeing Jumin after that. But it did not last for many days. The next weekend, he invited me for dinner, promising to clarify things. I wasn't very sure he would, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt..."

_The dinner was in his own house. The table was set already when I arrived._

_"Welcome. Dinner is waiting." He said as he pulled my seat for me._

_"Thanks."_

_He poured red wine for me and him, then took off the silver cloche from my plate, revealing a beautiful steak and vegetables arrangement._

_"It does look delicious..." I said, without looking at him._

_"I hope so. I'm the one who cooked it."_

_"Seriously??" It was really hard to believe Jumin could cook anything but pancakes._

_"I learned in one of my business with a restaurant last year, the chef personally taught me."_

_"Oh... Let's try then."_

_He sat in front of me and watched me with his hands crossed in front of his mouth, nervously waiting for my evaluation._

_I took the first bite and... "It's delicious!" It really tasted like a professional chef's._

_He freed his hands and grabbed his silverware. "I am glad you liked it." He said it like it was nothing, but his smile was bigger than most times. So I suppose he did put some effort on cooking it._

"We ate our meal in silence. The bottle of wine was quickly finished as well... And I wasn't drunk, but certainly not completely sober either when he asked me to stand up and follow him to his bedroom. I asked why, and he told me what I wanted to know was in there."

"His... bedroom?" Dr. Go Sojin widens her eyes.

"I know what it sounds like, but it was not that! I did hesitate for a moment before walking through the threshold, though. He waited for me to come in, and told me he would be back in a moment, then went into his closet. I sat on his bed, thinking all sorts of things could happen from then, of course. But I never thought it would be that... He came back soon, with a paper on his hand, and sat beside me."

_"Before I give you this letter", he said, "No matter what you read, I always had your best interesting in mind. Because... you're the most important person for me."_

_"Jumin... You are scaring me."_

_"It is not my intention, I just want you to believe in my... feelings for you."_

_I widened my eyes, because it truly sounded like a confession. But I know Jumin too well to confirm it was. "What do you mean?"_

_"I do not understand... myself. Maybe I'm too confused when I'm around you. But all I do know, is that I want you well, MC." He looked at me with a serious face, which I was familiar with. "Although the contents of this letter are important, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy."_

_"I trust you, Jumin. You've been doing a good job so far." How stupid of me..._

_He nodded. "Then read it."_

"When I think back now, I'm not sure I was ready to ready to open that letter. Or maybe, if I knew about that letter from the start, everything would have been so different..." I still remember every word.

_Jumin,_

_I've always admired and kinda envied you for having both a nice family and as much fortune as me. I know my dear wife will be in pretty bad shape once I leave. So I'm entrusting the love of my life into your hands. I believe you can treat her better than any precious gem in this world. She deserves a life that only you can provide._

_Oh, and I beg you to please not go after me. If you do, you know I can just basically destroy your company from inside out, right?_

_For the last time being this persona,_

_Saeyoung._

"Up until that point, I had honestly believed that Saeyoung left me because something bad happened to him. But it turns out, that he did it because he thought I would be better with Jumin..." You clench your fists around the chair, as anger posses you. "He even threatened Jumin so he could stay hidden! What kind of husband does that? Saeran was right... He not once considered my feelings."

_Unlike now, when I first read that letter I was shaking and crying so much, holding onto it and bringing it closer to my heart, as if trying to feel Saeyoung closer too._

_Jumin tried to soothe my pain and hugged me. But I punched his chest, screaming "How could you? I trusted you!" between my sobs, but he never let me go._

_I kept crying and crying, until I got so drained that I just held onto him. I was feeling the effects of all the wine I had consumed, and ended up falling asleep over his body..._

_I woke up the next morning with my head pounding. I looked around and I was once again in his bedroom. But unlike the previous times, I was not feeling comfortable at all. I walked to the kitchen, where I heard noises. He was cooking eggs this time, not... our pancakes._

_"Jumin... I want to leave."_

_He turned around, astonished with the words I had just said. He knew I did not mean leaving his house, at that moment. I meant moving out of his other apartment. "Why?"_

_"I trusted you and you--" The eggs burned, but he quickly took care of it, offering you another plate. "I... don't want any breakfast. I'm leaving."_

_"Where are you going?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"You need to--"_

_"It's none of your business!"_

_He looked at me with his piercing grey eyes. "You know it is."_

_So I ran away. He screamed my name, but I didn't look back. I went to my room, picked a few things and went down to the street. I was going to take the first taxi that appeared, but then I saw Driver Kim._

_"Mr. Han insisted."_

_"Ugh... Whatever."_

"I called Jaehee and went to her house. There, we talked about what happened. Jaehee was just as surprised as me. She asked what were my plans and, of course, I didn't know. But I didn't want to stay at Jumin's anymore."

_"You can stay as long as you want."_

_"Thank you, Jaehee. I just don't want to be a burden._

_"You never are!"_

_Oh. That's when we started making that recipe... We baked a huge cake together and watched Zen's musicals, eating the cake almost entirely that day._

"Why do you think Saeyoung gave Jumin that letter?"

_Since she does not know he's_ the _Han Jumin, she won't understand._ "I think, he always saw Jumin as a trustworthy person."

"And do you agree with him?" 

You hesitate, because that's not the reason at all. But also, it's partially true. "I don't know... I regarded him as my friend, but he broke my trust when he hid that letter." 

"How about Saeyoung? He was your husband, and yet..."

You frown at her. Why is she comparing them? "Yeah, him too."

"Do you still hold any grudges against any of them?" 

"I... I don't think I can ever understand their choices."

"Sometimes our loved ones hide things from us to protect us." You widen your eyes, because suddenly it also applies to your case... _Am I not doing the same?_ "And if you just keep holding a grudge because of what they did to you, you're only going to hurt yourself."

"But then... How can we deal with what they did?"

"We can't control them, but we can control ourselves. We can try to deal with these memories and accept them as part of our past, or let them become our constant present, destroying our future." 

"I see..."

"But you're making the right choice by dealing with them in a healthy way!" She says as she closes her notebook and stands up.

"Meeting Jaehee? Again?" Saeran says as you enter the car. You decided to tell him right at the last minute, so he wouldn't question you so much about about it, but you knew he wanted an explanation.

"Yeah, she wanted to have lunch with me." He looks at you with his brows frowned. "What?"

"Nothing..."

Twenty minutes later, you are in front of C&R. And it takes only a few minutes for Jaehee to meet you. Saeran says he will wait for you in the car, and you ask him if he won't be hungry. He says he will buy some take out and eat in the car. He clearly looks and sounds bothered with your choice to spend your lunch with Jaehee, but you try not to worry about it.

Jaehee takes you to a restaurant nearby, where the food is fresher, but still not too expensive.

"So... How is your therapy going?"

"It's... very nice. I've been improving a lot." You don't really want to talk about it, so you're very vague, and quickly change the subject. "How is your Chuseok going? Why are you working today?"

"Well, I... I visited my family yesterday. But I had to work today."

"Oh. It must be hard, Jaehee. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I'm used to it." You nod and admire how strong she is. "Actually, I also invited you here... Because it is a little related to work."

She reaches for the folder she brought with her and takes a small black card. You read your name on it, written on golden letters, along with a date, and a place. You turn the card around and then you see the same golden letters. _I should have guessed by the date..._

_Han Jumin's Birthday Party._

You look at her, but before you can open your mouth, Jaehee starts speaking.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have them with me when we met Sunday. And I know you are prone not to go, but it will mean a lot to me if you do." You look down to the card again.

"Jaehee, are you really--"

"I'm really worried about him, MC. Please?" She takes your hands on hers.

"But... why me?"

"Because... You used to be friends with him. You should be able to convince him to take care of himself."

You hesitate, but you can't ignore Jaehee's pleas. She seems really concerned, and it's starting to make you worry.

"I... I'll think about it."

"Thank you!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost 10k again!!! And I have a few things to say:
> 
> First of all, I would like to thank everyone for all the love this fic have been receiving! You are all amazing!
> 
> Then, I would like to say that Dracula was not my first option for Zen's new role, but this musical fits better with this fic's plot. 'Dracula: The Musical', surprisingly, ran its THIRD season in Seoul this year. If you're not familiar with their aesthetic and don't want to wait for the 14th chapter of this fic, I recommend these two videos (with my fav Dracula from this season):
> 
> Heartbreaking: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SM97iqMPaw
> 
> Sexy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkJmaV8LkSg
> 
> And last, but not least:  
> HAVE Y'ALL SEEN THE NEW ILLUSTRATION FOR JUMIN'S BIRTHDAY??? AAAA, SO PERFECT AND SO DOMESTIC!!!
> 
> Let's see how the same event will happen over here...


	13. Farewell in Slow Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops, a real almost 10k this time~

When you got back in the car, you didn't tell Saeran about the reason behind your lunch with Jaehee. She did say you could "bring a plus one" to Jumin's party, so it meant you and Saeran could go together. But you had no idea how to tell him about it. _What if he has an outburst? What if he misunderstands me? What if he starts hating me?_ You had so many fears about his reaction, that you didn't find the proper moment to discuss with him that day, your mind full of negative thoughts.

The next day, though, you wake up a few minutes before him. You had a terrible night, actually, waking up every hour, and you know it's because you have this unresolved problem. So you decide to tell him right away, during breakfast.

When he takes his seat, you put the invitation on the table and slide it until it's in front of him.

"What's thi--" He asks while he picks it up, but stops mid-sentence, finding out the answer by himself. Still, you reply him.

"This is... the reason why I had lunch with Jaehee yesterday." You look at him, waiting for a reaction, but he keeps his face completely indifferent, staring at the card. "I didn't know she was going to invite me, but..."

You have no idea what else you can say. If you tell him why she wants you to go, maybe he will tell you to go too. But you want to hear his honest opinion, without any bias... _Come on, say something!_ The silence is somehow worse than the angry words you thought he would respond with. You try to ask him directly, then.

"So, what do you think? Should we--"

"We?" He finally speaks and looks at you. But something is off about the way he does it. "There is only one name here."

"I-I know. But she said I could brin--"

"She said you could bring me, hm?" _Shit._ Like you imagined it would be, his voice has changed. "But who said I want to go to this stupid fancy party?"

He puts the invitation back on the table and pinches the bride of his nose, taking consecutive deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. You know he is trying all he can not to fully lose control, and if you just talk one more thing about this matter, he will lash out at you.

You take the small card away from his view. _There is no point insisting on it now._ You try to eat your breakfast, despite having lost your appetite. You're not sure if you should go to the party or not, but... _I still have a few days until Monday, anyway._

\--

As everyday after breakfast, Saeran goes outside to tend his garden. Today, you decide to go with him. He doesn't say anything, but gives you a timid smile when you start following him.

The Sun is still warm while you stay under its bright light, sitting on the bench and watching Saeran work. But as soon as a few clouds appear, you feel a cold breeze passing by. _No wonder Chuseok was just this week._

You realize today is actually the last day of the official national holiday, and everything will start working normally tomorrow. Not that it affects you in any way. You're glad the Health and Counseling Center open during holidays. For the regular patients, at least. _I wouldn't know what I'd do if I had to wait another week to tell Dr. Go Sojin that I want to get my memories back soon._ You're not sure if Saeran will believe you got better if you get them all back, but you suppose you'll resemble a normal and healthy person if you do.

You look at him, watering the green buds that are suppose to bloom next season... Saeran is wearing his regular black pants and a beige shirt with mid sleeves that cover his arms down to his elbows. It also has white buttons from the middle of his abdomen up to his neck. He is completely focused on the work he's doing, and you can't help but stare at his skin shining under the Sun. The way his arms gently sways to pick up his tools, get rid of weeds, and apply the correct fertilizers...

_Everything he does, he does with ultimate attention and care._ This thought is often on your mind when you watch him. _It was the same with the Songypeon we cooked last week... And it was the same every time I saw him cooking or doing anything else. It's like nothing can't ever be-- Oh._

Saeran stopped moving. When you lift your gaze to his face, your eyes meet. You stare at each other for a while. You feel hypnotized by his mint eyes, so bright under the sunlight... Until he shows you a mischievous grin and you're able to blink and break the... spell he's put you under. _How can you still have fun, Saeran?_ You lower your gaze down to your feet, and touch both your cheeks. As expected, they are as hot as you feel inside...

You don't understand how can he still treat you like this. _It's been ten days since I have decided to say goodbye to... my love._ You have changed your treatment towards him, so you could have got better already. You haven't. They say people take their time to heal, but you still don't feel yourself getting better at all. At least not faster enough. I'm too slow... _At this pace, you'll never be able to enjoy this life while still being young, Saeran._ You look at him again, and he already returned to work in his garden. _Tell me, how can you still have fun while I'm imprisoning you like this?_

The good thing, though, is that Saeran did stop completely with the touches and kisses... which confirms, once again, that these were all one sided from your part. At least, you learned how to enjoy your time together with him without them. It is like you had to slowly remember how to spend your time together with him only as his friend. A movie night without his touch. Cooking your food without making out after the food is ready. Sleeping in the same bed without... sleeping together.

The bad thing is... sometimes, you still crave for his attention. And you wish you could say it was subconsciously. But it is fully consciously... the fact that you still want to keep him beside you. _Is that why I haven't got completely better? No. I would never do this to him... Because I fight my selfish desires every fucking day. That can't be it!_ It's difficult, of course. Because while you have to do that, you also have to fake it in front of him. Pretend that everything between you is normal. Well, relatively normal.

Saeran is not stupid. He already noticed you haven't called him "my love" for over a week. Yet, you also haven't started calling him "Saeran" either. He probably would think that you are having an episode if you do it. And although he does not have any of those intimate moments with you, he still calls you his love sometimes. And it sounds different now that you don't see him the same way.

_Ten days, huh..? How many do we still have together? Maybe not as many as I--_

Suddenly you just remembered. If today is the last day of Chuseok holiday, therefore the tenth day since your decision, then it means... _It is the last day before Jumin's birthday party._

And you still haven't managed to talk to Saeran. You haven't found the right moment since Friday, but to say it clearly... You are afraid. Afraid to disrupt the harmony established between you two. Afraid to make Saeran mad at you for something so frivolous.

_But is it trivial, though?_

There is something you can't deny... Jumin was the one who opened your eyes, in the end. He was the one who, ultimately, made you start therapy. And before that, he was the one who told you about Saeran's unwillingness to fulfill your requests. You refused to see back then, but now you understand that you are hurting Saeran by keeping him by your side.

Jumin helped you see all this. So if he needs help now, you should help him... Besides, by the way Jaehee told you about him, it really sounded like he was almost at the brink of collapsing. _There is no way I can let him fall ill without trying... I'll have to go to this party._ You look to the redhead just a few steps ahead. _And if Saeran does not want to go, then I guess... It will be better this way._

\--

You look to the dress that you're supposed to wear and sigh. If you could, you'd never wear it again. But you should have thought about this before deciding to go to Jumin's party at the very last minute. You didn't have time... More accurately, you couldn't bother Saeran to go to the city on a Monday morning to buy you a new dress just for one party. So you had to go with the only other option you had...This is the only dress you have that seems fit for Jumin's birthday party. _I'll have to endure the pain of this memory._

This is the dress Saeyoung and you selected for RFA's Christmas party back in 2016. The only party you ever participated together. When you saw this dress on display at the mall, you knew it was the right one. Saeyoung didn't go with you, afraid that he'd be recognized by the cameras, so you sent him a picture and he replied with a bunch of heart emoji. You laugh as you remember this. _I thought I knew you so well, Saeyoung..._

Before your tears start spilling, you try to focus on the present, as your therapist insisted you should be doing. _This is just a dress. I can't have an episode today. It's just a dress that I'll wear for Jumin's party and that's it..._ you keep telling yourself as you grab the long dark blue dress. You're not sure which fabric this is made of. It seems to be silk, and it was, indeed, a pretty expensive dress, so you believe it's actual silk. It's off shoulder, and very long, but fits your body pretty nicely. And it would be like any other party dress, if only it weren't for the silver little stars embroidered all around your torso.

_"This is really... the best dress... I ever saw." Saeyoung said between our kisses. Then he cupped my face and looked into my eyes. "It's like my wife became the Universe itself."_

_"Then... if I'm the Universe, who are you?" I couldn't help but tease him._

_"Ohh..." He lifted me up in his arms, carried me to the bed, where he laid me carefully, and whispered in my ear. "I'm driver of the spaceship that'll explore all of you tonight."_

_Before I could answer anything, his mouth was on mine again. The party was successful, we had nothing to worry about for the rest of the night, except the pleasure we were about to offer each other. And it was, certainly, a long night of passiona--_

The knocks on the door end your flashback. And you are alone in the bathroom again, standing in front of the mirror, but still holding the same dress.

"What is it?" You answer when Saeran calls your name.

"Uh... Nothing. I didn't see you in the living room, I was just checking if you were there."

_Oh, shit... He doesn't know I'm going to the party._ A couple hours after lunch, you started getting ready. You didn't have many products left, as you didn't really care about it anymore, but you did the best you could. After taking a shower and doing a last-minute fancy-looking hairstyle you saw on the internet, you also managed your makeup, nails and all the stuff that seemed important for today's event. Now the only thing left, is getting dressed...

"I'll be out in a minute!" You answer him, taking off your towel to put on the dress.

You know he will be surprised to see you on it... And he probably won't be too fond of you going to the party. But you have already decided, even if he refuses to take you there, you will just call a taxi. _I really can't depend on him forever anyway..._

But as you think of these words, and slide the dress up to your body, you see that some things you just can't do on your own. You try and try. Until your arms and fingers hurt. But you can't reach it. And maybe it's the... _Universe_ trying to send you a message. But you refuse to believe so. _Fuck this. It's just a stupid dress, nothing else._

You open the door to your bedroom and he's sitting on the bed, with his back facing you. Embarrassed, you ask for his help to zip the dress for you.

"Hey... Could you help me with..?" He stands up and turns to face you, and you're glad you don't have to finish your sentence. You look away and point towards your dress with one hand, while holding it with the other, as to not let it fall.

You keep waiting for him to come and help you, but you don't hear any footsteps for the next few seconds. _Is he angry? Is he disappointed that I'm going? Or is he mad at me? Is he going to shout at--_ But when you look at him again, he's none of those things. He's staring at you with an open mouth, which makes you want to go back to the bathroom and find a way to zip this dress by yourself.

"Uh... Alright, then. I'll do it on--" You turn around to the bathroom's door.

"No!" He shouts and takes a step forward, so you stop again. "I can do it." You nod, and give him access to your back. He easily finishes the job and you finally let go of the dress, as it firmly holds around your chest now.

"Thank you..." You turn around to look at him, but he grabs your shoulders, keeping you in place.

"So... you've decided to go?" You frown when asks you this. You expected his words to be harsher, but he just sounds... curious about your answer. An answer he already knows what it is.

You want to look into his eyes, to try and understand him better, but his warm hands don't let you. And even when you move your neck, you can only catch a glimpse of his face from the corner of your eye. Still, his hands are not holding your naked shoulders tightly enough for you to actually be trapped there. If you wish, you can fight your way out. But you don't. You don't want to upset him, but you can't lie to him either.

"Yes." You say with your head facing forwards.

"Then I... I'll take you there." He frees you, adjusting your hair, with gentle moves. You can't help but thank him with a smile. "Just... let me get this dirt from the garden off me, alright?"

"Sure! I'll be waiting in the living room!" He nods at your enthusiasm and enters the bathroom.

You take your phone along with the same silver high heels and handbag you wore with this dress before, and walk out of the bedroom. When you sit on the sofa, you check your phone and there's a new message from Jaehee. You are happily to reply her that you will be seeing her today, and a few minutes later, she sends another message, thanking you once again for accepting her request.

It takes Saeran twenty minutes to meet you, and when he does, you suddenly understand why he did that face when you came out of the bathroom. _He is... stunningly handsome when he wears formal attire._ He's wearing a tuxedo, something you, too, haven't seen him wearing for over four years. And then it hits you...

"Wait. You're coming with me?" You quickly stand up, almost falling because of your shoes.

"Is there a problem?" He says as he approaches you.

"N-no!" _Damn, he's even wearing a nice perfume._ "But I thought you didn't want to go?"

He lowers his gaze to your feet. "I... I thought you'd need someone to lean on. While wearing these, I mean." He points to your shoes.

"Oh." It is true that you're out of practice, but it's not like you can't walk on them. "Thanks, but... You don't need to go if you--"

"I want to." He offers you his arm. And you can't refuse him. You can't tell him to stop doing things for your sake. You can't tell him that he is free to do what he wants.

_Not yet._

You arrive at the party and it's in a very big and fancy hotel owned by the Hans, of course. Some people had already arrived, but most of them were still getting there with either their expensive sports cars, or black limos. You couldn't complain much about it, though. Saeran also drives a sports car, one of the many that Saeyoung left behind...

When you leave the car at the door with a guy who's driving them to the parking place, you walk to the entrance and meet Jaehee there, waiting for you. Surprisingly, she is not working today.

"You look lovely, MC! And I'm so glad you could come!" She reaches out to give you a hug.

"Thanks, Jaehee. You look amazing too!"

She is wearing a golden-yellow dress, that goes down to her feet, which means that it's as long as yours. But different from yours, it covers her shoulders and has a black lace around her waist.

"Thank you." She gives you a smile and turns to Saeran. "And thank you for coming too, Saeran. I know it must be hard, considering..." She looks around and then back at him. "The guests we'll have here today."

_Oh shit. I completely forgot about that!_ "Jaehee, does it mean he..?" You can't even finish it, afraid that it will happen if you say it.

"No! Not him. But people from his circle, I'm afraid." She gives you an apologetic look. "Chairman Han insisted the most... influential families were invited."

"I understand..." You reply and look at Saeran, who is completely unresponsive to this info. He keeps his eyes at you, instead. _Is something wrong with my face?_

"But don't worry." Jaehee continues. "I reserved a table for us far from theirs. Zen won't come, because he had to practice, so it's just the three of us. Let's go?"

You nod and she walks you to your seats. But on your way there, you see a table full of boxes and bags from expensive stores.

"Oh shi--" You shout, making Jaehee also stop and look at you with widened eyes. "I forgot to buy him a birthday gift!"

"I am sure Mister Han will not mind. Your presence is much more important." She smiles and resumes her walking. _More important..? Why? We are not even in good terms..._

And while Jaehee isn't looking, Saeran brushes his fingers over yours. You instantly pull your hand close and lift your gaze to his face with an expression that clearly says "are you insane?", but Saeran has the corner of his lips lifted in a provoking smile. But more than that, _it is so comforting to finally see one of his smiles today. Even if it is to tease me about the not-so-secret relationship I'm trying to put an end on..._

You arrive at the table reserved for you and it really is on the far corner of the party, as Jaehee mentioned. _She really was very considerate to think about Saeran..._ You are really glad about it too, because you honestly have no energy to deal with the rest of the guests, that all seem to know each other.

You spend the next hour or so talking with Jaehee, eating and drinking fancy food. And even if it was Jumin's birthday party, you haven't seen him so far. _Surely he must be busy with the other guests and won't be able to see me today._ It completely invalidates the reason of you coming here, but you don't dare ask Jaehee about him. _If we don't meet, maybe it's for the best._

Saeran didn't participate in your conversation, but you didn't mind much about it, since the subjects were mostly about Jaehee's daily life or musicals. You avoided, once again, talking about yourself, and the closest you got to it was to tell her about how tiring it was to get ready for this party. She also shared her experience, and you both laughed about it.

The food and drinks were served by the waiters often. Some of them tasted terrible, but all of them looked very nice. There were a lot of alcoholic beverages too... And it was the first time you refused all of them. You wanted to drink them, of course. But it was the best option to stay sober, since you'd hate to ruin things in front of Jaehee. You chose tea as your main drink. But it had some kind of diuretic properties, because soon you were in need to use the toilet, and you have to ask your friend for that, as you couldn't see it anywhere.

"Oh, it's over the--" She turns her head to show you, and then turns back to you, standing up. "Come with me, I'll take you."

You nod and, before you get up, you whisper to Saeran, who's sitting on your left. "I'll be right back."

You don't wait for his answer and don't look at him, because Jaehee is still looking at you, and you don't want her to think you're still... having the same relationship you used to with him. Although, officially, you still are.

You have to cross all the hall to reach the restrooms. Staying in that quiet corner really saved you from the rest of the noisy party. You don't look at their faces, but you hear their voices, and while some of them are having serious conversations, others are actually enjoying themselves, laughing and making jokes... It's been years since you've been to a big event like this. _And I was wearing this same dress... but with a better company..._

"MC? We are here." Jaehee's voice calls you back to the present, and you blink at her twice to remember what she means by 'here'.

And when you're on your way back to your table, you get to understand why Jaehee wanted to come with you, instead of just showing you the way.

"Jaehee... This isn't the way to our sea--" You look at her, and it was the worst mistake you could have made.

You bumped into a waiter, and thankfully, he wasn't carrying anything, so there was nothing to fall on the ground. But you don't know how exactly, the tip of your dress got stuck under his foot for a second, making you lose your balance, and fall on your back. You hear Jaehee shouting your name, as the ceiling appear in your sight. You close your eyes waiting for the impact. But you never hit the floor.

All you feel is one strong arm supporting your body, while another holds your waist. _And there is... someone's face... breathing in front of me??_ You immediately open your eyes, and that is when you realize you've made the worst mistake you could have possibly make today. The silence around you makes you regret even more not looking where you were going. _So much for trying to go unnoticed..._

But the worst part of your mistake is definitely the piercing grey eyes staring deeply into yours. You haven't met each other for over two months, and you see the same Jumin you know. But his eyes don't show the expression you thought you'd be seeing. The dominant and cold Han Jumin. The one who knows what he's doing a hundred percent of his time. No. The one you see, is a Jumin you rarely saw before... a Jumin who shows emotions.

_He looks... surprised? And... disorientated? But I was the one who was about to fall, why is he..? Wait._

"Jumin. Could you lift me up now?" _Why is he taking so long to do it? Does he really want people to talk about this??_

"Pardon me?" He asks, now staring at your lips.

"Let go of me!" You say it angrier this time. "Everyone is looking at us!"

"I... I apologize." He helps you stand and you focus on adjusting your hair and dress.

"Seriously, you--" You turn to scold him, but he's gone. _What the fuck, Jumin?_

You look around and people are staring at you. You hear some words here and there. People asking who you are, which family you are from, that kind of rude and unimportant stuff only arrogant rich people care about... You try not to mind them, and look for Jaehee instead. You take a look around, but she is also gone. _She probably got lost when those people formed a crowd around m... my mistake._ You then try to go back to your seat, but you end up finding Jumin again. _And he is surrounded by... beauties?_

Pretty and tall women that looked like real models and idols. If you didn't know him better, you'd make fun of him. But you know it was a torture for him to deal with all those women. You just ignore it and try to walk past this scene and back to your table.

You avoid all the crowd from then on, walking closer to the wall, where almost no one who has a table is sitting. _If I walk a straight line, I might get to the deserted area where--_ Until you hear footsteps right behind you. You stop, but don't even need to turn around to know who it is.

"What are you doing here?" His voice is back to his cold self and you don't know why Jaehee said he was overworking himself. He seems perfectly fine to me!

You turn to him. "It seems today is your birthday, so... Happy Birthday!" You clap your hands twice. "There you go. I'm on my way, now." You were about to start walking again when he catches your wrist.

"I am sorry, MC. I did not mean to--"

"To be yourself? Don't worry, I'm used to it." You give him a sarcastic smile and free your hand from his hold.

"I was just not expecting you to see you here. Today is..." He looks around, and never finishes his phrase.

"Fine..." You sigh, knowing this won't get anywhere if you continue like this. "I just came here because Jaehee asked me to, alright?"

"Assistant Kang?" He widens his eyes for the second time today. "Why?"

"Apparently, her boss needed someone to put some sense into his head." His brows frown slightly. You roll your eyes. _How can he be so thoughtless?_ "Stop working too much, Jumin!"

He closes his eyes and sighs, admitting defeat. He knows you're right.

"That's it. My work here is done. Thanks for the party. The tea was great. And that pink dessert too." You give him a small smile. "Goodbye again, Jumin." You start walking back to your table when he shouts your name.

"Wait, please." You hear him walking closer. "Could you... stay for a while? The last time I saw you on my birthday was two years ago. Do you remember?" You freeze. "It is, until this day, the best breakfast I ever had."

You thank heavens that you're not facing him now, because his words make you blush. _Can we not talk about it?_

"Do you remember it?" He insists. You clench your fists, trying hard not to answer him. He walks even closer and practically whispers in your ear. "When you cooked my recipe and we ate together in my be--"

"Yes, I remembe--" You turn around a bit too abruptly. And his face is right in front of you, too close for comfort. You take a step back. "I do remember. When I cooked your pancakes."

_I just wanted to thank him for everything he had been doing for me. Nothing more... It had been already a year since I had moved into his spare apartment. I had a series of bad days back then, and he was always... by my side, so I tried my best to get out of bed and do something good for him. I knew strawberry pancakes were his favourite recipe. I thought maybe I could cook for him._

"It was... Unexpected." He says. "When did you decide it?"

"I..." _Seriously? Are you testing me?_ "I decided the night before. I asked Jaehee for your schedule and she told me you would have a meeting around... eight? So your breakfast should be an hour earlier, or something like that?"

"Yes. It was like exactly that." He nods. _Oh, please, stop with this... smug, satisfying smile!_ "You brought them to my house."

"I know. I remember." You move your eyes to the floor.

_I remember I tried my best to cook some nice pancakes and then I... I hesitated. Twice. The first time when I had to take his private elevator. A personal elevator to Jumin's penthouse that only his trusted people can use. When I moved into his apartment, he told me I could use it too. This elevator can only access the penthouse if you input a registered digital... And that was my first time taking it._

_The second time I hesitated was when I had to decide where I was going to put the pancakes... God, this is embarrassing to remember... I wanted to give him breakfast in bed. But it was my first time entering his dormitory. I had been to his house a few times before, of course. We often spent our time together, so I knew his living and dining room very well. But I had never entered his bedroom at that point. And then I thought... "Well, he had been into yours, so it will be the same, no? Just go!"_

"And what were you doing waiting for me there?" Shit... Why did he have to mention it?

"I was just... curious." You keep staring at the floor.

"Curious? Of what? What did you expect to find there?" He leans over, waiting for your answer.

"I don't know! That's exactly why I was curious!" You look at him and his eyes are squeezed now.

"Hm... If you say so."

_When I opened the door to his bedroom, I looked at the alarm clock beside his bed and, I barely managed, but I was there at exactly 7 a.m.. But his bed was empty. I left the tray on it, to take a look around. His bedroom was so much Jumin... and it even smelled like him. Then I saw a door, and I couldn't help my curiosity._

_I entered his closet and I was suddenly surrounded by a thousand stripped shirts. Many of those shirts looked the same to me and I did not understand why he needed all of them. I started to compare their patterns... when I heard a "Good morning" behind me. I turned around, and there I saw the owner of all those shirts. But he looked different..._

_He was wearing the same things I saw around me, but there was something about him that really was different. Perhaps it was the fact the he wasn't so impeccable... Jumin was still finishing buttoning up his shirt when he entered the closet, and that has made all the difference._

_"I... I apologize. I didn't want to intrude." I said, turning my head away from him. But it didn't last long... I couldn't avoid the sight in front of me. Jumin's bare chest was... something I never expected to see in my life._

_But I was caught staring. He smiled at me, curling up only one corner of his lips, and said "You really did not intrude. I told you could come in any time you wanted."_

_He kept finishing adjusting his shirt, and I kept staring at him. Eventually, I focused on my purpose to be there. I ran past him, and sat on his bed, next to the pancakes._

_"Happy birthday!!" I shouted with my arms up._

"But I did give you... your gift!" You tell him, with a frown.

"Yes, you did." He says. "And never was I happier than at that moment."

_Happy? Back then I thought I could never see Jumin with his eyes widened, but he was very surprised when I shouted that. I even had to call him back to Earth. "Come on! The pancakes won't eat themselves!"_

"We had a wonderful breakfast together." He continues, with a calm expression on his face.

_Yeah... a wonderful morning._ "Oh!" You just remembered. "Even Elizabeth the Third came and joined us!"

"Of course. She certainly knew it wa--"

One second, Jumin is talking about his cat. The next, he's silent, and your hand is taken by someone, who starts dragging you away. Then Jaehee calls your name, you look at her, and she is running towards you, but then-- _then Jumin... he stopped her. He stopped her from helping me??_

You keep looking at Jumin, who doesn't do anything. He just watches you being taken away... _What kind of friend is that? Oh. I guess, we're not friends anymore... But still, he should help someon--_

When you turn your head to the where you're being dragged to, the person... Saeran stops. He looks around, and you're not sure which side of him is here now, so you try asking something.

"What happened?"

Without looking at you, he answers with a calm, but rigid voice, showing he's still under control. "You should not talk to him."

"Who? Jumin? Why not?"

"You..." He turns his face to you. "You just shouldn't. He'll talk bullshit again and make you feel bad. Again."

"Uh..." _What the fuck?_ "I think you're... being overprotective." _Just like Jumin._ "And can I please get my hand back?"

"Ah, I'm sorry." He lets you go, his expression getting calmer. "I'm just... worried about you."

"Thanks, but... you don't need to worry. I can talk back at him if I have to."

He frowns. "But I'll stay with you. Just in case."

_In case of what? Is he afraid that I'll reveal something about us? We don't even..._ You sigh. _Never mind._ "I... I think it's better if we leave. I'm done with this party."

"Okay." He nods and smiles. "Let's get your purse and go home."

On your way to the exit, Saeran stayed with you all the time. You wanted to apologise to Jumin, but you thought it would be too awkward with Saeran next to you. You didn't even approached him, choosing to give him a goodbye with a small gesture of your hand, to which he only nodded. Jaehee was next to him. You gave her the best smile you could put on at that moment. She wasn't happy about being held back by Jumin, you could see her concerns right on her face, and you wished you could tell her that you'd be alright.

The party started early evening, and a few hours later, when you decided to go home, there weren't as many cars on streets anymore, so you'd get home faster than usual. For a few minutes, silence filled the air around you, as you kept thinking about what Saeran did a few minutes earlier.

_What's gotten into him today? Was he really just worried that Jumin would tell me something hurtful? Well... the last two times I talked to him, it wasn't very pleasant. So I understand why Saeran would want to keep me away from him, but still... it was a bit--_ You shiver.

In the party hall, you weren't feeling the coldness of the weather. You didn't know the temperature would drop so much, and you forgot to bring some cover for your exposed shoulders. Even inside the car, you are still feeling too cold, so you try warming up your arms by rubbing your hands on them.

Not two seconds later, Saeran pulls over the car on the side road. You look at him, confusion written all over your face, while he takes off his seat belt, then his jacket, and puts it over your trembling body. He then turns on the heater, and waits... The silence goes on. _I'm still someone who needs to be taken care of... Nothing changed at all since I decided to let go of him..._

When the temperature is clearly warmer, he turns his face to you, and at the sound of his voice, you look at him too.

"Are you feeling better now?" You only nod and lower your gaze to your feet. _I just wish you didn't do so much for--_ "I know you didn't like what I did back there. But I just couldn't..." He takes a deep breath and grabs the steering wheel forcefully. "I couldn't let you with him. You understand me, don't you?"

You stare at his profile, pondering if you should answer him honestly or with the words he wants to hear... _This a good way to stop lying, isn't it?_ You clench your fists, bracing yourself for the his next reaction.

"Actually, I don't." He looks at you with widened eyes. "I'm sorry, but that was... unnecessary."

"Un-Unnecessary??"

"Yeah." You take off his jacket from yourself and place it on your lap, as the temperature inside the car is getting too hot now. "I felt like, I was back at that New Year's party, but your roles were reversed."

"Wha-What are you talking about?" He frowns his brows this time.

"That party... when Jumin wouldn't let me talk with you. He insisted that I should eat... and you defended me. Don't you remember?"

"Oh..." He turns his head forward, and doesn't say neither yes or no. _But I remember very well now... It was the party after our fateful meeting on Rika's birthday. And I couldn't stop thinking about you because of that._

_Even though my daily relationship with Jumin was just as fine as before, Saeran was the one who wouldn't leave my mind. So of course I tried to spend more time with him at the New Year's party. He asked me about how were things for me, but there was not much I could tell. I asked about his life instead. And while he talked about his garden, I couldn't stop staring at him._

_That's when Jumin appeared out of nowhere next to me. And ruined our night._

_"MC. Have you had some food already?" He knew the answer to that, but still insisted to come and bother me with the same question everyday. Except we were in a party, he could have at least skipped that day's check up..._

_"Thanks, but I..." I lifted my hand with a champagne glass towards him._

_"You need food. Not a drink." He scolded me with his usual stern voice._

_But I didn't want to fight in front of Saeran. I tried to smile as best as I could to answer him. "I'll eat later, Jumi-"_

_"Please, don't neglect your health. Come with me." He then had the... audacity to try and take my glass away._

_But before he could, Saeran intervened. "She said she will eat later. Let her eat when she wants."_

_"She is under my responsibility, Saeran." Oh... I should have realized earlier._

_"What the fuck are you talking about? She's an adult, she can--"_

_Saeran's voice was getting louder, and I knew it was becoming a heated argument when Jaehee arrived to see what was happening. I decided to end it there._

_"Fine! I'll eat." I exclaimed and dragged Jumin by his arm with me. When we are both away from Saeran, I used the same words I told him today. "That was unnecessary."_

_"I simply care about you." And when I looked at his eyes, I couldn't deny it._

_"I know, but can you just... not fight Saeran?"_

_"I don't like the way he treats you."_

_"What... not like a caged animal as you do?" I regretted my words the moment they came out, and when I looked at him, my fears were confimed. He hated them, as well as he was surprised to hear them. "I-I'm sorry, I think I had too much champagne."_

_"If that's not how you feel with him..." He looked away and I didn't say anything to that. "I still think you should consider a therapist."_

_"I told you already! I don't want to and I've been sleeping better since I got the pills."_

_"That's good, but you still need help--"_

_"Thank you, Jumin. I'm handling it fine." And then I left... without grabbing anything to eat._

_The rest of the night went fine, but I completely avoided Jumin again. I wonder what would happen if I had listened to him and started therapy since back then... But I can't change it now._

"So you don't remember it?" You ask Saeran again. "It was the party from two years ago, when I was--"

"I do remember it. I just don't think it was the same thing." He looks at you with a serious expression.

"Yes it was! I even told him the same words I use--"

"You were _blushing_ while staring at him today, MC!" He screams at you and, although the heating system is still on, you freeze.

He keeps staring at you, waiting for you to give an explanation. But the one thing you want to say, you can't. You want to say that back then you probably were staring too much and blushing at him too. But you can't. Because now you want to free him from you. You don't want him to pretend anymore, and if you keep giving him these kind of responses, he won't ever believe you are fine without him. You know he won't stop pretending unless you're fully healed.

You lean your head on the passenger seat and close your eyes, putting an end to this conversation. _Please, don't hate me..._ But you hate to do this. You hate to make him suffer. Yet this is the only way for you to start showing him that you can live without him.

"Fine." He sighs loudly and starts driving again.

As the car moves, and buildings turn into trees, another memory comes back to you. It was because of that party that you started "pursuing" Saeran. A few weeks after that, you avoided going out to not worry Jumin. But even at home, you found yourself thinking more and more about Saeran. And each time you thought about him, you remembered that afternoon when you hugged him. Then you remembered who else you hugged this way...

_It should have been obvious. I think, deep inside, I knew right from the start... but back then I couldn't understand. It was only during those days, secluded in my room, that I realized my mind had been playing tricks with me for a while. And that was why I was starting to get so infatuated with Saeran. That was why I could not stand to look at Saeran in the beginning, too. But if he looked so much like Saeyoung, then maybe I could let myself think about him more..._

That's what you decided back then. But you believed the sleeping pills you were taking wouldn't let you think enough about him. So you stopped taking them. Without anyone noticing, of course. Especially Jumin.

_If it weren't for that time alone thinking about their similarities... I wouldn't be here today._ And if it weren't for your decision to stop taking your sleeping pills, your nightmares wouldn't have had started again.

_One night, I woke up from a terrible nightmare, crying and screaming like usual, too scared to be alone... I did the first thing that came into my mind. I took the private elevator to Jumin's. I entered his dark house and heard Elizabeth's meow. I didn't turn on the lights, but used my memory to locate myself. When I finally got to his bedroom door, I knocked as if my life depended on it. He opened it and I barely recall seeing the dim light from his bedside lamp behind him, because I quickly threw my arms around him and continued my crying. It took him some time, but he hugged me back._

_"I want... I want to sleep here. I had a nightmare." I said, trying to control my sobs._

_"No. You shouldn't sleep in a--"_

_"I don't... care about decency!" I snapped at him. "I just want to feel warm... and safe!" He nodded and welcomed me into his bed. He held me tight throughout the night..._

_I hadn't had a better sleep ever since... Saeyoung left me. When I woke up, Jumin was also already gone, but on his place, I found a lovely note, instead of a parting one. I could read it with Jumin's voice. "I apologize for leaving without waking you up. I hope you had a good night sleep, and I wish you a pleasant morning. Feel free to stay at my house until lunch. See you then." Along with it, there they were. His strawberry pancakes, much better cooked than those I made for him a couple of months before._

_That was the first of many nights I'd get to sleep in his bed, since the nightmares wouldn't stop from then on. Some days, if I was lucky, he would also spend his mornings with me. I preferred that I didn't have these nightmares in the first place, but even when I got back to taking the pills correctly later, they never worked the same again._

_I guess I'll have nightmares no matter who I'm with..._

\--

The next day, Saeran tells you that he needs to go out to buy something for his garden. You're still not in very good terms with him, so you just nod and go back to read the book you picked up. As soon as he closes the door, you put the book aside and sigh. You weren't reading for real. It was just an excuse not to be with him... _What am I even doing?_

It didn't take long for him to come back. And you thought the awkward silence that started yesterday would continue... But Saeran sat beside you, and slowly offered a bouquet. There weren't flowers like those in his garden. So you realized he went out to buy them...

"I am sorry." He said when you looked at him. "I'm sorry for... what I did yesterday."

He then explained that those purple little flowers were Hyacinths. And they meant what he just told you. _Sorry._

You accepted his apology. You knew he truly cared for you. And also because you wish you could give those flowers back to him. _I am sorry too, Saeran. For everything._

Things easily got back to normal after that. The new normal, at least. And you realize how easy it is for you to get along with him. Whether it is in a fake relationship, or this new status only you know about, he's always the one to show you that you're still not alone.

_You're only making it harder for me to let go of you, Saeran..._

\--

At your weekly therapy session, the first thing you talk about are the memories you just recalled earlier this week. Your psychologist says it's a great progress, that your brain is starting to work on your missing memories on its own. Then she asks if you remember anything else from that same year, 2018.

And then you don't say anything, looking away from her. _It's not like I don't want to, but..._ You tried so hard to bury that year, that now it's pretty difficult to think about it like it actually happened. Then she asks something pretty triggering.

"September is an important month for you, right? What happened two years ago?"

_Two years ago. My first September without him... Oh..._ "I ended up in the hospital."

"Hospital? What happened?"

"On the day Saeyoung... left. I felt like suffocating. Before I could do anything, I was having a panic attack. Jumin arrived almost a little too late..."

_I don't even remember how he knew I was there. Probably because he checked on me everyday... He found me curled up on the floor, grasping for air. He tried talking to you, calming me. Nothing worked, of course. He took me on his arms and rushed to the hospital._

"A few hours later, I woke up with Jumin holding my hand, in a room I hadn't seen before. So I knew I was at the hospital. It was my first time there, and I got a bit nervous... He tried to calm me down and explained what happened. And I... I cried."

_"I thought I was getting better..."_

_"The doctor said it is normal, you don--"_

_"I'm so tired of it, Jumin! I want to move on, but I cannot!" I slammed my fists with the IV on my lap. "Fucking Seven Zero Seven took away my sanity!"_

_He then... kissed my hands and said something that made me cry even more. "I will bring it back for you."_

"It was just a panic attack, so I was discharged the next day. But back then... I think I remember asking myself if I was living an illusion up until that moment. And then it made sense, it was the calm before the storm..."

"An illusion? Why is that?"

"I remember the week before that, and I was fine... I had been taking my sleeping pills for a while and they were helping a lot. I still.. refused therapy, though." _I told Jumin I wasn't ready yet..._

_My time with him could not be better... He always surprised me every now and then with different things. One time he brought me to the window just to see a rainbow... It was beautiful. Without him, my moments felt dull inside that apartment. I also felt I was getting a little better. I could sleep and eat more, and I smiled with Jumin a lot, which amused him so much._

"So you remember when you started taking your sleeping pills now?" She looks from her notes to you.

"Uh... yeah. It was... July." _I hate this month._ "I managed to avoid the doctor's appointment after so many of Jumin's requests. In his presence, I was... actually happy, and could forget my pain for a little while. But when he was not there, which was for the most part of the day, I was really miserable. All I thought about was Saeyoung and his absence. Then the day we met arrived and I..."

_I couldn't stop thinking about the days I spent with him in that apartment... He warned me he would leave. Oh god, he did... So many times! Why did I not listen? Why? I'm so stupi--_

Dr. Go Sojin calls your name for you to finish your sentence.

"Sorry... That month, I either did not sleep or every time I closed my eyes I had nightmares with him. I told Jumin about it... and he once again mentioned the doctors. I refused and asked if he could sleep with me that night, because I was scared of the nightmares. Surprisingly, he said yes and sat in a chair next to my bed."

_"Will you stay awake?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I think you'll just fall asleep like last time!" I told him, mentioning that failed sleepover party from months ago. "Come on." I invited him into my bed._

_"That's unacceptable."_

_"We're friends! No prob!"_

_"No... Thank you." He shyly refused._

_"Okay... Good night then." I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep... then opened them to peak on him._

_"Go to sleep."_

_"Fine! I'm going..."_

_After a few minutes I did. I was thinking about Jumin... But then Saeyoung came into my mind and turned it into a nightmare. I woke up screaming, but Jumin was beside me this time. I launched my arms around him. He froze, as I cried on his shoulder. He then touched my head... and told me I was safe._

"But even with Jumin next to me, I could not sleep soundly. I woke up from a nightmare around six a.m. and could not sleep again. Later that day, I saw a doctor. He asked me what I had been feeling and... recommended a therapist. But he also gave me the pills I was needing, so I didn't go. Jumin insisted a lot after that, as I told you, but... you know the rest of the story."

"And why do you think Jumin wanted to take you to a doctor or therapist before it was officially recommended to you?

_It could be so many things..._ "Probably because I was sad, or... drinking a lot?"

She nods. And you don't know how to tell her this... because once again it's about the Choi twins birthday.

_I knew it'd be unfair to Saeran to not meet him. But whenever I remembered the surprise I prepared for them the yearbefore, and especially for Saeyoung... I just couldn't go..._

_Jumin cleared his scheduled after lunch. He knocked on my bedroom's door. I thought it was his people, so I sent them away. Then I heard his voice calling my name. I was still wearing pajamas, but I did not even sleep. He insisted on seeing me, but I said I was't presentable. He did not care, so I asked for some minutes._

_I tried to become presentable, clearly failing. His face was so readable for me then. He was showing me a lot of worry... and sadness when he asked how was my morning._

_"Just as usual."_

_"What is your usual?" I didn't know what to answer. And he was too concerned about me. "I will ask for a doctor to see yo-"_

_"I refuse, thanks."_

_"You cannot. It's my responsibility." The more I get my memories back, the more I realize he told me about it earlier..._

_"It's not. You're already doing enough."_

_"Clearly I am not, just by looking at you..." It hurt to hear that, but I knew he was right. "You don't need to worry about anything, MC. I will take care of you."_

_I started crying then. "I'm sorry... I'm worthless! That's why Saeyoung left me."_

_"You must never think something like that again! You are the most important person in this world. At least to me." I looked at him, confused. "And for the RFA." He added. I smiled and thanked him._

_He then said they were preparing something for Saeran at Zen's house. And that we should go. I knew it was not going to be at the bunker because of me. I didn't want to, but I accepted his invite._

"MC?" _Oh, right..._

"It was... Saeran's birthday. And it was celebrated at Zen's house. When we arrived, everyone else was already there. Zen offered me some beer, and I... gladly accept it. It was the first of many."

_I said hi to everyone before I saw Saeran. Talking to him was very awkward, since I had been ignoring him. "Uhm... Happy birthday, Saeran."_

_"Thanks."_

_"I didn't have time to prepare a gif--" And then Jumin appeared behind us with two boxes._

_"These are from both of us."_

_I looked at both of them, confused. Jumin had a proud smile, while Saeran was with a disgusted face. The rest of the RFA, suddenly surrounding us, made Saeran hyper aware of the eyes on him, so he accepted the gifts._

_Yoosung joked about it to ease the tension, Zen also joked about Jumin's 'fancy gifts'. But I smiled and thanked Jumin, speaking only for him to hear._

_"That was nothing. I knew you wouldn't like to come without a gift." The fact that Jumin knew me so well embarrassed me, so I finish the beer in my hands in only a few gulps._

_Jaehee brought the cake she baked, to sing happy birthday, and for a moment, I just wanted to run. I took a few steps away from the rest of the group, but then Jumin's hands were on my shoulders._

_"Saeran will like to hear you sing." I turned to Saeran and he looked like running away as much as me. I thanked Jumin, once again, and sang._

_When he blew the candles, I wondered if he wished for the same thing as I had been wishing for the past months... Thinking about his brother, made me want to take another beer. I finished it quickly, before I accept a piece of Jaehee's cake. Then I grabbed another beer when I finished eating... and Saeran was opening the presents._

_Zen gave him an imported beer they once talked about, but I knew Saeran wouldn't drink it. Jaehee gave him special garden tools. She was the most caring one, and always knew what the person really liked. Yoosung gave him a journal, he said it helped him a lot during his difficult days... that was actually very nice._

_Jumin's gift was an expensive pen, very unlike Saeran. "My" present was another expensive looking item, but it seemed more personal than a pen. It was a portable Bluetooth speaker. Jumin said I mentioned he liked listening to music while attending to his flowers and the garden was too far from the house._

_"He can use it with his phone. It is also louder than it, and they told me it is waterproof." Jumin explained. I was impressed by his attention to details._

_Saeran just thanked him awkwardly, and I took one more beer while talking with them. And by then I started feeling a lot dizzy, so I accidentally grabbed onto Jumin's arm. He stiffened under my touch._

_"I'm... a bit drunk. Sorry"._

_"You should sit down and drink some water. I wil--"_

_"I don't want water!" I held his arm tighter. I felt all their gazes at me, making me uncomfortable, especially Saeran's. "I want to go home, please..."_

_Jumin nodded and helped me stand while calling Driver Kim. I said goodbye to everyone from afar. But I swore I saw the Choi twins side by side..._

_Clinging to Jumin's arm I entered the car and didn't say anything the entire ride, thinking about the image I had seen. When I got into my apartment, I thanked Jumin once again for the gifts._

_"Don't worry. I will do anything to help you." I smiled and closed the door._

_"See you tomorrow, Jumin..." I whispered to myself._

"By the end of the party, I had too much to drink, and Jumin had to take me home." You sigh and close your eyes, embarrassed and afraid to explain more than that.

"And how is your relationship with alcohol today?"

"Well, I... I'd say it's much better. I even refused it when it was offered this week."

"That's another great progress, MC!" She smiles at you and closes her notebook.

_Sure... I thought I had achieve some progress when I left Jumin's cage. But I just became someone else's prison._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote all of MC's flashbacks before the very first chapter was posted... imagine my surprise when I saw this year's illustration for Jumin's birthday was breakfast in bed!?!  
> I SCREAMED  
> Of course it's not the same, since they don't have the same relationship, but I was happy, bc Cheritz and I had the same idea lol
> 
> And I am very sorry to inform you this, but next week's chapter will probably be delayed for a couple of days... but it will certainly come, don't worry ♥


	14. A Rose by Any Other Name...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, we'll get to see Zen as Dracula in this chapter.  
> Just a reminder: everything here is only fiction! So, naturally, I also chose to write MY version of this musical. It is ~heavily~ inspired by the Korean version. Many scenes, songs and clothes are from there. But it is still my version. There are less characters, and some scenes are either out of order or completely made up, because I have never been to South Korea to watch the real thing.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

_I'm right in front of the door at the place where I called my home for over a year. The place that has been my home for over another year now. But when I enter the dark bedroom that I'm used to be in, I don't see the same darkness I'm used with. Even the curtains are not enough to block the sudden brightness coming from the window... Oh._

_When I finally open my eyes, I see that I'm in the bedroom at Jumin's apartment. Another place I called home for a long time... I walk to the window, to see the view I often spend my time with during those days... but there seems to be something wrong with my eyes. The sunlight is too bright and I quickly turn away from it. And that's when I notice that I'm not alone anymore. He is here with me. My one and only love..._

_Saeyoung is standing with his back facing me, wearing the same clothes from when I first met him. His black and yellow hoodie... The one I often wore so many times after that too. He doesn't seem to have noticed me here, so I try to walk and hug him from behind, just like I did back then. But it feels like a thousand stones are stuck on my feet, holding me in my place. So I call his name._

_And the worst part... is that just like back then, he doesn't answer me._

_I keep trying. Because I can't let him go, I can't--_

"Saeyou--" You open your eyes with his hands shaking your arms, and his name still on your lips.

You don't think. You just hug him tight. _I'm so glad it was a dream..._ He hugs you back, soothing your trembling body. You couldn't feel happier. But his comforting words have the complete opposite effect on you, because _he_ is not the one who you thought at all...

"You're safe now." You push Saeran away when he speaks. He just stares at you with his mint eyes widened.

"Sorry! I thought you were--" _Great. I'm only making it worse._ "I'm sorry." You move your eyes to the floor.

"It's oka--Are you... okay?" He says, trying to touch you again.

"Yes!" You distance yourself even more, evading both his touch and his eyes.

He doesn't move, still waiting for you to say more than that. But you're really not in the mood to talk to him, or explain anything. _I don't even know myself why I keep having these dreams..._ Then you remember all of the memories that got back to you just earlier today when you were talking with your therapist.

_How will I ever forget you this way, Saeyoung?_

You sigh loudly and stand up, getting ready for another lonely and sleepless night. "You should... go back to sleep." You say, still avoiding to look at him.

When you're already halfway through the door, his hand is on yours, putting an end to your slow steps.

"Then come... come back to bed with me." You close your eyes, and thankfully you're not facing him, so you can refuse him more easily.

"I'm not slee--"

"Please." He tightens the grip on your hand. But you don't know what else to say. _I'm just really sorry..._ You shake your head, instead. But he insists. "It's still too early, I don't want you feeling exhausted tomorrow. Besides... you'll probably just fall asleep on the couch and I'll have to carry you back here anywa--"

"Then just leave me there, Saeran!" You shout back at him.

_Shit._

You slowly feel him letting go of your hand. And you know he thinks you're probably having an episode, so you turn around to try and explain. He keeps staring at the floor, probably too shocked by your... slip up.

"This is not what you think. I... I'm not having an episode. I promise you. I'm fine! I just... I..."

"I know."

"I mean it! I really--" _What?_ "You... you know?"

He lifts his gaze and you see him... _smiling?_ "Yes. I know. I don't mind... when you call me by my name."

"You don't?" _Of course he doesn't... he hates when I treat hi--_

"No." He walks closer and puts a strand of your hair behind your ear. "As long as you don't forget our new life."

You have no good answer to that. Because, honestly, you'll never be able to forget the past year. It was full of happy and sad moments. During all of them, he was there with you... whether as Saeran or the substitute of his brother. _He has always been here... Shit. I guess from now on... I won't ever be able to forget you either, Saeran._

"I won't forget..."

He smiles at your answer and pulls you into a tight embrace. You too smile, but your heart aches as you close your eyes and finish your phrase in your own mind alone.

_But I have to let you go._

\--

As you get ready for today's event, you notice you haven't had an episode in weeks. _Maybe my new pills are really working..._ You look at yourself in the mirror. The mirror you often had conversations with, questioning yourself if you should take them or not. Now it is such a minimal moment of your day that you don't even mind it anymore. Saeran just gives them in your hands, you take them with a bit of water and it's done. You wonder now, if he had taken them away earlier... if you would have stopped having episodes a long time ago.

_Or maybe it's just because I really started to heal after I decided to let go of him._ You also haven't treated Saeran like him in weeks too. _So maybe, just maybe... these two things are connected._ You really wish they weren't, but every week that passes since your decision, Saeran proves how right you are.

It's been only five days since you started calling him 'Saeran', and you can't deny how happy he looks every time you say his name. He often calls your name as well, instead of 'my love', and although he dare not to force you do anything, he always touch your hands or face whenever you call him. _Always wearing a big smile_. And while you notice his happiness, you can't help but be sad for yourself.

You look at your reflection in the mirror and try to change your sorrowful expression. _I can't let him see me like this._ You try to force a few smiles, but they look horrible. _You need to show him how happy you are too, otherwise he won't believe you're getting better!_

"Come on, you can do it!" You whisper to encourage yourself.

You open the door, but don't see Saeran anywhere around your bedroom. _So he's already waiting in the living room..._

A couple of days ago, you told him about Zen's musical. He didn't seem very interested, but he said he'd go with you. Once again, you tried to tell him he didn't need to do something just because of you. He reassured you that he would go because he wanted, again, and there was nothing you could answer to that.

Today, he offers you his hand and his gentle smile, and because you don't know for how many more times you'll have them, you accept his lovely gestures. And you pretend in front of him that you still want to play pretend. _It's not the right time yet..._

Jaehee called to say she'll be a bit late and that you could go inside the theater if you wanted, but you said you'd wait for her at the entrance. You knew how excited she was for this. You tried to be too, but all you thought about was how many more times like these you'd have with Saeran... _There is no going back now, anyway._

A gust of wind hits you and the coldness you feel inside your body is now outside as well. The coat you wear seems useless as you start shivering involuntarily.

"I told you we should be waiting in the car." Saeran starts rubbing his hands on your arms to produce some heat.

"It's fine."

"But you're not." He lifts your chin and leans over your face. "Your lips are purple. Do you want me... to warm them up too?"

"Wa-Warm up?" You stare at him, so close to you.

"Can you wait just until we get home?" He runs the tip of his fingers right below your lower lip, sending shivers down your spine. Pleasant ones this time... You nod, and then, as fast as he got close you, he frees you, leaving a feeling of--

_No! I can't let myself fall for this. I'm still pretending to be his partner, but I need to set limits!_ You take a few deep breaths, with your eyes closed. _And wait a minute... Did Saeran just touch me with all these people around? What is going on with him?_

You look at him again and the... smirk he showed you just now is completely gone. He's standing next to you, with his eyes on the floor, like nothing happened. _Did I imagine that? Am I really going insane? That's impossible... I need to know._

"Saeran, did you--"

"Thank you so much for waiting, MC!" Jaehee's voice interrupts you. "There was a lot of traffic today. I forgot it is still Tuesday, and not weekend yet."

"No problem!" You move your head to her and give her a smile. _I could have waited more, actua-_ -

Jumin is next to her and you give him an awkward smile and a nod as well. You haven't talked since his birthday a week ago, and now you wish you had sent him at least an apology text for leaving his party like that. But he nods back, then blinks at you with a familiar expression. _I know those eyes. They mean... it's alright._ You smile with a little more honesty this time, and he returns it with his signature smile... with only one corner of his lips.

"I think it hasn't started yet, but shall we go?" Jaehee speaks again. _Oh, right... the musical._

Your seats are on a private balcony, with a perfect view from the stage. It has five chairs, but only four of you. You guess it was a seat reserved for Yoosung, but he couldn't make it. _Our group would be complete then... Well. Almost..._ You clench your fists. _No. Not again. I can't keep thinking of--_

Saeran calls your name as soon as you take your seats. "Were you going to ask me something before they arrived?"

You widen your eyes and look to your right side, where Jaehee and, next to her, Jumin are. You're sure they can't hear you, but you don't have the courage to say it out loud. So you use the same words Saeran did... or the words from your illusion, anyway, you're still not quite sure what that was.

"Can you wait until we get home?"

He nods, showing no signs of recognizing this sentence. Except... just before he leaned back on his seat, he touched and squeezed your hand very briefly. But when you look at Saeran's eyes, searching for any proof that this really happened, the lights are turned down. The stage curtain has been lifted.

"This is going to be one of the best musicals of Zen's career, I can feel it!" Jaehee whispers her excitement to you.

You try to remember the Count Dracula he showed you weeks ago. It never needs much from his part to leave you speechless or with blushed cheeks, since Zen himself is a natural teaser. But there was something about him that day... _the way he used his eyes to ask me about his role, it really seemed like he embraced Dracula's charms._ In the first song, however, you meet an old version of the Count, nothing like you expected.

This aged Count Dracula invites a man into his castle, in Transylvania. And the other guy that appears next to Zen's Dracula is Jonathan. He's a lawyer from London who came to assist Dracula with the legal stuff to buy a new home there, that's what the second song is about. You'd never imagined Dracula making a deal with a lawyer to get out of his castle, but it seems to be going alright... until it's not.

Jonathan introduces his fiancée, Mina, to Dracula, and although you don't know how this musical ends yet, you know it is something that will change their lives forever. _Is this... destiny?_ You keep wondering about it while the future husband and wife sing a beautiful song together, about their first kiss on Whitby Bay. And you're not sure if it is their angelic voices, or beautiful Victorian costumes, or the rotating scenery of the castle, but their song... is magical! They look like a perfect couple. _The couple that we could still be, Saeyo--_

Suddenly, when Jonathan leaves Mina alone, she hears Zen-- _Dracula's_ voice in her head. He tells her that he will come for her, clearly scaring her. From this point on, Jonathan's stay in the castle is also tormented with nightmares. Since he can't leave until his business is finished, he sends Mina back to London. And because of the nightmares, he starts wandering around the castle at night. _A cliché choice that leads to terrible mistakes in horror movies..._

He ends up in a room with three female vampires, dressed in red. Dracula's brides, it seems they are called during their song... but they really look like only his underlings. They tie the poor Jonathan up on the bed, and start stripping him. _It's only his shirt, but he does have a nice chest..._ Just before they could finish him, Dracula scream for them to stop, scolding them severely. At the same time, Jaehee grips your hand tightly. You look at her confused.

"This part..." is the only thing she whispers. _And oh... was she right._

At first, all you were worried about was Jonathan losing his life. You would never admit it in front of Zen, of course, but so far, you really were cheering for Jonathan and Mina to have a happy marriage life together. And then, as the song went on, you finally got to see Zen's handsome and younger version of Dracula. _In his previous songs, his voice was never this powerful..._ And you notice it is because of the lyrics.

Dracula was now determined to have Mina for himself... to put an end to the beautiful love story of the other two main leads. Even at the cost of a life. Jonathan's life. You clench your fists as you watch him being chased around the castle by the Count. _And... thanking him for bringing her back? What is that supposed to--_ The hunt is over. All four of them taste Jonathan's blood, leaving him motionless on the bed again.

A new Dracula appears. The Count Dracula that makes your heart skip a beat.

He gets rid of his gloves, throwing them on the floor. Then his brides come forth and help him take off his red cloak. Under it, you finally see the handsome Zen you know. He now has his white hair tied, instead of letting it hanging around as it was during his older self. He also wears a fitting costume for this new version. Black pants, red vest, and a Victorian jacket, also black. When he walks around the stage like this, and sings his last note of desire, for power and for Mina, you can feel his resolve from your seat.

As every fight in fictional settings, there is a winner and a loser. Dracula wins and goes to England, to look for Mina. Jonathan loses and... _Oh, thank God._ He is critically injured, and manages to flee from the castle, to Budapest. _I'm glad he didn't die. Mina would be devastated..._ You frown at yourself. _Geez, they're just characters..._

But you were very right. When Mina appears again, she's at the exact place she and Jonathan sang about. The Whitby Bay. It's been weeks since she last heard from her fiancé, and she's looking into distance, longing for him. Suddenly, she isn't alone anymore. Dracula comes in, and they casually talk about the view. She doesn't recognize him, of course, since he was still an old man when she left Transylvania. But they do share another cliché scene.

"Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you before..." Mina asks him. But just before Dracula could explain who he was, they are interrupted by another new character.

It's Lucy, Mina's best friend. Dracula bids farewell, and Mina tells him to enjoy England, since it's his first time visiting her country and they will probably never meet again. "Oh, I'm sure we will", he answers her. Neither you nor her have any time to reflect about his words, since the energetic Lucy starts talking about the news she received. She is going to marry. But she hasn't decided who her husband is going to be, which leads to a funny song about her three options. And because of this song, you thought her role in this musical would be simply "Mina's best friend".

You were completely wrong. At night, Dracula calls out for his lover, but the one who answers is Lucy. _Well, wouldn't it work? Mina stays with Jonathan, while Lucy stays with Dracula? Ha. Who am I kidding? Dracula would never settle for less..._ She appears to be sleepwalking, and Mina follows her. Dracula drinks Lucy's blood, surprising Mina. They argue. He tries to force himself on Mina, who he calls... _Elizabeth?_ She pushes him away, but he offers her eternal life, to which she replies she never wanted. She actually thinks he's spitting nonsense, so she leaves. _Wait, but what about Lu--_ He then looses his mind, marking Lucy before leaving her alone too. _Oh._

The next day, Mina meets Lucy again, bringing her news. Lucy, as self-centered as she is, interrupts Mina. In her enthusiastic way, Lucy tells Mina about her enchanting meeting. Mina worries for her, but Lucy says that it was nothing but what she herself wanted, and Mina trusts her friend. You wonder if these characters are too innocent, or if it's you that are aware of Dracula's power over them. L _ucy is clearly saying it because a vampire is now controlling her, while Mina only believes her friend because she has no idea about who Dracula is._

Then, Mina talks about the letter she just received from Jonathan. He's waiting for her in Budapest, so they can marry and be together. Lucy is also happy for her friend, they will be able to marry at the same time, although in different countries. _Oh, finally! Their happy ending--_ You shake your head. _It's still the first act..._ And you were right once again. On her way to Budapest, at the train station, Dracula tries to stop Mina. Thankfully, it is not with force, but with words. When he finishes them, you no longer know where your heart is.

He sings a story about a beautiful princess and a handsome prince. Four hundred years back, they met. The world was not the same back then. The prince was a devout supporter of God, and because of it, he went to war. But not a day passed by without the princess praying for the return of her lover. After a long time, he got safely back, and held her tenderly in his arms. And yet, someone did not want him to come back, sending an assassin after him. But their plan failed. Because who took the stab on the back meant for the prince, was the princess.

Enraged, the prince killed the assassin with the same dagger, and when he got back to the princess, she was already dying. Desperately, the prince prayed for the God he fought a war for, but it was useless. The beautiful princess touched her lover's face one last time, and you can't deny that this scene moves your heart. Holding her already still body, Dracula screams. And your heart stops. The stage lights turn red, as the prince turns into Dracula, stabbing the altar's cross with the same dagger that took two lives, forsaking his promise to God and selling his soul to the Devil. Everything to get his dear Elizabeth back.

Mina asks Dracula if she is that princess... _Obviously she is, since they are even wearing the same clothes._ Dracula tells her she now knows the truth, and thinks he has convinced her that they are meant to be. He then tries to kiss her, but Mina says she can't, because of her... eternal vow to her fiancé. Dracula shouts that it's a fake vow. _Yes, it is always fake, Mina..._ You hear a sniff, so you turn to your right side to see Jaehee drying her tears. You take her hand in yours and smile to her. She returns it. _But shouldn't I be the one crying?_ And it was too early to talk. The very next song... _if Jonathan and Mina's song was magical, this song is... heartbreaking._

Mina is confused. She said she can't accept Dracula, but also hesitates to leave him... Trying to persuade her once again, Dracula tells her how important she is for him. "You are the reason I exist. My first and only love." The song goes on, Dracula pleading for her to come back to him, to be by his side where she belongs, the lovers that transcend time... When he says she's the only ray of sunlight on his tortured life, you see the stage blurring. All the power he showed during the song when he drank Jonathan's blood is completely gone. And it's not just in his clothes, since he's now wearing just black pants and a white shirt. But his voice... it's breaking your heart into a million pieces, as if it wasn't already broken enough before.

At this moment, there is no monster. All you see is a dedicated lover to his long lost other half, his soulmate... The more you think about it, the less you know what you'd do on Mina's shoes. You clench your fists, forgetting you were holding Jaehee's hand. You whisper an apology, and she just shake her head, then offers you a tissue. And when you look at the stage again... You want to cry even more. Because in the end, Mina chooses the man who she's used with. And that's the one she promised her life to, not the one she just met. Dracula might have a history with her, but she has one with Jonathan in this lifetime. _It's only logical for her to choose him. It's what I wanted too... why am I not happy?_

There was not enough time for you to dry all your tears and see Dracula losing his mind for a second time. He goes after Lucy, who is about to have her wedding ceremony. She is alone and awake this time, and faints upon seeing him. Acting carelessly, Dracula is discovered. Lucy's husband then looks for ways to fight a vampire, and that's where another new character enters. The famous Van Helsing.

They help Lucy with many methods to prevent Dracula from getting near her again, but once they leave her alone, she gets rid of all of them. The crosses around her bed, the garlic in her bedroom walls, the holy water on her windows... Then she sings, inviting Dracula into her bed, where they share a rather... steamed night. You really think this would be the end of her, since Dracula appears to be drinking all of her blood. But then... he offers her his own.

The next morning, when her husband and the others go back to check on her, she attacks him, showing her new acquired fangs. Luckily for him, Van Helsing saved him just in time. But... unfortunately for Lucy, she's killed in the process. Lucy is buried with a very dramatic song. And you wonder how Mina will react to all of this.

But instead of her, Dracula comes visit Lucy's grave. After he starts singing, she rises as a complete vampire. Their duet is another powerful song. You never expected the voice of Lucy's actress to be so compelling. Zen's tone is also back to his dominant and impressive Dracula's voice. But then again, nothing is the same. You can feel Dracula's sadness and heartbreak this time. He is not taking Lucy into his harem because he wants power or love... he seems to be doing it because he doesn't know how to react in another way to his sadness, except destroying those around him.

The first act ends with Dracula freeing Lucy from the cemetery, and you never felt so overwhelmed by a story in your entire life. Probably an hour has passed, but you feel like you have lived an entire life already. You have no idea what to expect from the next act, or even if you're ready for it. The first one had so much to deal with, that it even feels like a complete story on its own. With a very bitter end, but complete, nonetheless.

And maybe it's because it's Zen's amazing acting skills, and you haven't watched him perform in a long time... but you can't stop longing for his Dracula now. _What will happen now? Will he come to Mina? Or will she find--_

Jaehee calls your name, and you turn to her.

"Would you mind accompanying me to the restroom?" She asks, and honestly, you'd rather just stay here, but you can't refuse your friend's request.

"Sure!" You answer her.

As usual, you turn to Saeran to tell you'll be right back, but before you open your mouth, he nods with a smile. _Did he overhear us or is he already used to my behaviour?_ You don't dwell too much on it and decide to follow Jaehee, who already got up from her seat and is waiting for you on the stairs next to Jumin.

But you stood up too fast and the dizziness hit you hard. You took two steps towards her, and your vision went dark all of a sudden. You had to grab onto something before you fell with your face on the floor. Thankfully, you reach the back of a-- _Oh shit. It's not a seat._

You open your eyes to see Jumin's face close to yours once again. Just like last time, his eyes stare at you with surprise. He's also full of concern, but neither of you speaks. _What could I ever say? Does he still consider me a friend after everything that happened? Well, he signed to me that everything was alright, so I don't see why--_

You pull away from his chest when you hear Jaehee coming closer.

"MC! Are you alright?" She asks while helping you stand.

"I... I am. It was just a temporary dizziness." You turn to Jumin, who is still eyeing you, and apologize. "Sorry."

"No harm was done. How are you feeling?" His voice is calm, but you can sense his worry.

"I'm... good. Thank you."

"Assistant Kang. Buy her something to eat before you come back."

"But I'm no--" You try to protest.

"Yes, sir." Jaehee nods to him and starts dragging you to the exit.

While you descend the stairs, you take one last look at Jumin, who smiles at you. _But it's... a normal smile, with a small portion of his teeth showing!_ You widen your eyes, not believing what they're seeing, and too soon he's out of your view. _This is not right..._ You try to remember about all the past times he smiled like that, and you don't remember a single one of them.

"Jaehee..." You call her name when you're already out of the restroom and on your way to the snack store. "I... I'm really not hungry."

"I'm sorry, MC. But if I don't make you eat something, Mister Han won't be very happy with us..."

"Are you sure?" She frowns at your words. "Jaehee... Did something happen with Jumin today?"

She takes some time to think about your question. "I don't think anything different happened.... Why do you ask?"

"He..." You turn away from her. _Perhaps it was only my imagination again... Jumin would never smile like that._ You sigh. "Never mind. Let's buy this food..."

You quickly finish eating and go back to your seats. Jumin and Jaehee exchange glances, and you know it's her way to "tell" him that she accomplished her mission. Jumin gives you a nod as well, and no sign of that smile you saw earlier. _So I really imagined that..._ You sit on your chair and turn to your left side to give Saeran a candy bar you got for him.

"Hey, I brought this candy--"

He didn't move at all since you started talking. With his arms crossed and an angry face staring at the stage, he just ignores you. He was not like this before you left, so you assume something happened while you were away. You try to look at Jumin again, and he's also staring at the stage, but with a calm face, like nothing happened.

"Saeran, did somethin--" You begin to whisper to him, but then the lights are turned down again.

_Well, I guess this will also have to wait..._ You put the candy bar on your lap and get ready to continue watching Zen's performance.

The second act starts at the very same place the previous one ended, a few weeks later. Almost the whole cast, except for Dracula, are together. Lucy is out of control, and Van Helsing calls everyone to prove that she is the one responsible for the murderers happening lately. As expected, they find her empty coffin, and start discussing what to do about her.

At that moment, Lucy enters her tomb, surprising everyone, as she's with her hands and mouth full of blood. Van Helsing and his helpers suppress her powers, sending her back into her coffin. And in the end, it's Lucy's own husband who, reluctantly, stabs her heart with a stake. Mina watches it horrified as she loses her friend for a second time. And so do you. _How could her own lover kill her?_

A few days after this incident, Mina still can't accept what happened. And Dracula comes to visit her once again. She treats him as a monster at first, telling him he was the one who caused his friend to die. But he explains that all he did was what he told her earlier, he gave Lucy eternal life, and the ones who killed her were the humans. Mina accepts his words, then lets him come closer to her. But she sees his fangs and fear takes over her once again. She sings desperately for him not to make her love him, but both you and her know that it's happening already...

While this happens, Van Helsing tries to find a way to get to Dracula. He finds out about a man called Renfield, who worked for Dracula, and is an intern patient on a mental institution. Van Helsing pays him a visit, and he then understands why the man is locked in that asylum. Renfield tries to kill him, but only manages to give him an injury arm, to which Van Helsing soon recovers and sings his anthem and promise to defeat Dracula.

It doesn't take him much time to find out where he is. _It should be obvious, why did they not think about it before?_ Dracula is in a house in London he bought with Jonathan's help. _The sole purpose of their meeting, and they seemed to have forgotten about it..._ And so the men, now called the vampire hunters, go after Dracula, while in her house, Mina worries for him... And with her beautiful voice, invites him in.

Dracula enters the room through the window she opened, and once again she tries to deny her feelings, asking him to stop making her love him. But it's clear now, she can't stop touching and wanting him. No matter how many times she turns her back to him, every time Dracula goes after her, she returns his touches, tenderly and passionately. As their song continues, you feel like you're watching something far too intimate to be displayed on stage.

They almost _and finally_ kiss, but then the stage rotates, and Mina leads Dracula to another room. You think she would tell him to leave, that she couldn't cross this line or any of those things she has been using as an excuse to keep him away. But what she does is so much better. She throws herself into his arms, kissing him and-- _Oh. My. God._ She slowly takes off his jacket, kneeling in front of him. For a second, you thought she would do something incredibly obscene, but Dracula helps her stand and they continue their song.

Mina then leads him to the the other side of the room, showing that this is her bedroom, and she-- _Holy... She really wants to give herself to him this time._ Dracula opens and lowers her night robe down to her waist, pulling her close to his body. She then sits on the mattress, and they sing the last note of their song together. 

While the orchestra plays a tragic melody, Dracula lowers himself over Mina and you're not sure if he's kissing or biting her neck, because Mina does the same to him. The red light above them indicates that it's probably the former. And then... Mina shows a side of her you never knew you'd see. _They do say people release their wildest side in the bedroom_. She boldly opens up Dracula's shirt, and admires his naked chest for seconds, just before Dracula himself cuts it and lets her taste his blood.

Mina faints as the vampire hunters invade her bedroom. Dracula carefully puts her to rest, and fights Van Helsing and his friends. It's a... _very nice_ scene to watch, since Zen is exposing his defined chest the entire time the stage is not dark. He wins over all the hunters, including Jonathan, who lays on the ground when Mina wakes up. Dracula sets Van Helsing's cross on fire and was about to kill him with it, but Mina places herself between them.

She convinces to make him go away and leave things as they are. But this was a mistake. Van Helsing watched their... intimate interaction and guessed that Mina got a connection with Dracula. A few days later, Van Helsing tries to ask her about his whereabouts, but she says she does not know, so he uses hypnosis to find out.

Mina and Dracula then share a real telepathic connection, which is represented by her reaching out to him, who is inside a suspended coffin. She echoes what he says, as he tells her to come meet him. Then they sing a new version of the same duet Dracula sang with Lucy, but now with lyrics he only means for his lover. An eternal life only meant for them... But before Mina touches his hand, Van Helsing breaks the connection. Scared because she did not think it would work, Mina finally understands why Lucy's husband killed her.

Although Mina just shared her bed, heart and mind with Dracula, ultimately, she is still Jonathan's wife. _She still has the handsome boy in her heart._ The problem now is that she also has Dracula... But she does not want to end like Lucy. So she makes her husband promise to kill her before she is too far gone. 

During the next song, though, which is about the vampire hunters getting ready for the final confrontation with Dracula, Mina's concerns about him are back. While they are all excited for the trip and the fight, when Dracula appears at the far corner of the stage, Mina also walks to his side, showing her attachment to him.

But at night, while she sleeps, Jonathan sings beautiful and heartbreaking words about his promise, reminding us all of his love for Mina. When he kneels in front of her sleeping figure, you clench your fists. _Couldn't that be us, Saeyoung? Couldn't you have kept your promise to me as well?_ You close your eyes and try to control your breathing. T _his doesn't matter anymore, does it?_

The stage scenery changes to Dracula's castle, where he notices his life is completely meaningless without Mina. His red jacket and white shirt flashes out in the middle of the darkness surrounding him. His voice is pure sadness, and even a little faint compared to his previous songs. But it's not like Zen is tired to sing, since he still hits the high notes perfectly well. _It's like Dracula is mourning._

He sings about his long life, being sure of everything, only to feel lost again now. He questions his decisions, especially about choosing eternal life, saying it is useless if it is to be lived alone. And then, when he sings his last lines, to enter his coffin, something hits you.

"Without you, my world stops turning. Without you, my heart stops beating."

_But that's-- That's exactly how I feel about Saeyoung! Oh my God... We are not like Mina and Jonathan._

_We are like Dracula and Elizabeth. Except... I'm Dracula, and he's Elizabeth. And now I'm... trying to get Mina, because she looks like Elizabeth._

You look to your left side, without turning your head. From the corner of your eyes, you see Saeran watching the show without expressing any particular emotion. You hold onto the candy bar on your lap. _Is this why I was cheering for Mina and Jonathan to get together? Because I knew deep down, that she was never me, and he was never Saeyoung?_

_It's only fair, isn't it? That Saeran finds someone who really loves him... and who can keep promises, someone like Jonathan is to Mina? But for that, I need to let go..._

When you pay attention to the stage again, the final fight is already ongoing. Apparently someone died, and Van Helsing and all the others are still fighting the Dracula's brides, while the main character leaves them to find Mina.

She is in another room, protected by a huge cross necklace that Van Helsing gave her, but as soon as she sees him, she finally understands that she is about to lose him. And that is the push she needed to fully accept her love for Dracula. She finally reciprocates him, repeating the words he told her at the train station. "The missing part of me, I'll find in you. We are bound together by blood, a bound unbroken. And I don't need the cross to protect me." Then she takes off her necklace.

Dracula asks her one more time if she really wants to be part of his word, and she confirms it, saying her soul will now be his. They sing together how one-minded they are and always have been. How they were destined to become together since the very start. As they question what they must do now that they are being hunted, Mina says she won't back out. But Dracula ends up saying he thinks it's better if they finish the circle of despair. Mina insists that she wants to be his, but Dracula... _He chooses the same as me._

"I have found peace, and so must you." Dracula says with a defeated voice.

"What do you mean?" Mina asks, holding onto him.

"Your soul can be redeemed, if you set me free." Then Dracula gives her that same dagger that killed Elizabeth.

"No! I couldn't!" Mina cries as she hugs him.

Now it is Mina's turn to try and convince Dracula that they should stay together. She tells him she was born to love and need him, and only now she understands it. But no matter what she says, he has made up his mind. He wants to end his own torment, and let her enjoy the light, instead of his dark life. The fight on the next room are reaching them, breaking their moment.

She tries to tell him they can escape together. But Dracula stops her, saying he could never let what happened to his other brides, possibly death caused by the hunters, happen to her as well. Mina says she wants it, but he refuses it. Dracula says he could never let her end like that, that he could never... drive her insane. _Like I do?_

In his final plea, he explains how terrible his cursed life is, repeating the words he said alone, "What is the use of prolonging life, when life is not worth living?". He then says that, if she truly loves him, she should set him free, saving herself from him. 

This is really heartbreaking, because it shows Dracula either loves her enough to let her live a normal human life, or he doesn't love her, like he loved Elizabeth, to give her an eternal life beside him. But then Mina asks him "How could I end this love before it's begun?", and Dracula's answer to that means he truly loves her. He asks her to free him again, and once his soul is back to God, they will be reunited in Heaven, because he, too, was born to love her. And not only that, he was also born to save her and let her go free...

When Mina stabs Dracula's heart, it feels like she's stabbing your own. The pain is so great, that you almost go breathless. While she holds his body in her arms and sings her promise that they will meet again in the afterlife, your only wish is to tell her to live a good life until then, as if she weren't just a character from a musical.

The stage turns dark and you feel like you're blinking for the first time in a while. But your eyes not even once were dried up during this time, as you were crying since you realized you were Dracula in real life. Someone who continued to live on without their loved one, a miserable and cursed life, while also bringing others into your own torment. 

The lights are turned on and the cast comes to greet the audience. And you try to dry your face to not let anyone see you like this. _I can't let anyone worry about me again..._ As the main character, Zen is the last one to come up on to the stage, but when he does, and is finished with greeting the rest of the theatre, he sends a special heart sign with his hands towards your seats.

"In case you're wondering, that was definitely for you." Jaehee says.

"What?" You look at her surprised and she nods. "No way! It was for both of us at least."

She picks up her phone and shows you Zen's text message.

_Zen: I am really really sorry, Jaehee! I won't be able to meet you guys today after the show. But don't worry, I will do my best to give our MC a night to remember! Make sure she watches all the way to the end! (6:02 p.m.)_

"Oh, Zen..." You look at him, and he's still smiling at you, while the whole cast bows for the audience. _I really don't deserve a friend like you..._

You stand up from your seat and put your arms above your head, in the shape of a heart. _If you're going to tease me, then so am I!_

Zen instantly stops smiling and pretends to pass out. You laugh at his dramatic reaction. When he "recovers", looking at you again, he laughs too. Then, along with his co-stars, he leaves the stage, and it's time for you to go home as well...

Turning back to the rest of your friends, you see Jaehee smiling brightly at you. And you're sure it's because, she and Zen made sure to give you a night to remember. The musical was brilliantly done and, despite inciting bad memories and feelings, it also made you feel alive and... somehow, it showed that someone out there understood you. _Even if it's a fictional character._

Then you look at Saeran and he's still with the same expression you saw before the second act, if not angrier. You notice his hands are holding the sleeves of his shirt far too tight for someone who should have his arms just casually crossed. You're sure something happened between him and Jumin while you were away, but he is with his usual cold face, and you can't guess anything by it.

"Very well..." Jumin says, standing up. "Since the show is over and Zen will be too busy to meet us, I asked Assistant Kang to make reservations for us at a restaurant nearby. Shall we?"

"Oh, than--" You start thanking him, but Saeran interrupts you.

"That won't happen." The three of you look at him, who's still in his chair and looking at the stage. "We need to go home, MC." You frown at his words.

"Why?" You ask him.

"We didn't bring your medication, so we can't stay much longer."

"What? But it's still--" You try to tell him that it's too early for you to go back, but he grabs the candy bar from your hand and starts pushing you towards the exit.

"Come on, let's go." You have no other choice but to follow his words... You know what happens if you don't do what Saeran asks.

"I believe she was about to say something." Jumin says in a very serious tone, as soon as you walk past him. You turn around to look at him and you see Jaehee with the candy bar on her hands and the two men staring at each other.

"No, I don't think--" Saeran says after a second that felt like an hour.

"Were you not, MC?" Jumin turns his gaze to you.

_Yes, but..._ You cannot go against Saeran. Besides, you'll be setting him free soon. You can't give him bad memories. _I'm sorry, Jumin. We can't go back to what we were._

"Thank you... for the reservations. But we really need to go back home." You answer him, staring at the floor.

You hear Jumin's sigh and Jaehee attempting to speak something, but being interrupted. Saeran walks to your side and you lift your eyes to see your friends. They look the same as they did back at Jumin's party, when you had to leave with Saeran in a very similar situation. Without giving them the same smile, you just turn around and go home with Saeran.

On your way to the car, you kept thinking about the reasons behind Saeran's behaviour. _It certainly had something to do with what happened while I was gone._ But you would never be sure if you didn't ask. You do not have to take any action, though. As soon as you're both inside the car and safe from the cold wind, Saeran starts talking.

"Fucking finally!" He shouts while starting the engine. "I thought we'd never be able to escape from that nosy idiot."

"What... what are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? A reservation at a fancy restaurant? Seriously?"

"It was... just a meal."

"Just a meal?" He looks at you with a shocked expression. "Don't you see it? He wants you back in that cage."

"Cage?" You widen your eyes. _Did I tell--_

"You told me yourself. Back at that party you mentioned... Don't you remember?" You shake your head. "You said he treated you like a caged animal."

_Oh my God... I thought I had mentioned it only to Jumin. But I also said it to him? Then what else I don't remember?_

"Did I... really say that?"

"You actually told me right after you had said the same words to him... So it's not like he doesn't know." He comes closer to you and speaks with a lower voice. "That's why I hate when you accept his favors either... They are all traps."

"Traps?"

"Every time he offers you something, it's another attempt to take you away from me." You frown. "Like today..." He lifts his hand and gently places it over your face. "I promised to give you something when we got home, didn't I?"

_So it wasn't an illusion! I am not going insane! He really touched and looked at me with those... those..._ You look to his minty eyes, and they are just as big as they were when he looked at you back then. _It's like he's eating me with his gaze alone..._

_Wait. He's getting closer!_

"I... I'm sorry." You push him away and turn your head to the side. "I'm still a bit dizzy... from earlier."

"Oh. Do you want me to buy any--" His voice is full of concern and it breaks your heart to lie to him.

"No! It's... it's alright. I think... I just need to rest a bit."

"Alright. Tell me if you need anything." He caresses the side of your head and you nod.

But you never tell him anything. When you get home, you quickly get ready for bed and try to sleep as soon as you lay down, telling him how tired you are. You're not sure he buys this lie of yours, but it works and that's what matters.

The next day, you still go with the same story, just so you can avoid spending your day with him. In your bed, you remember another situation that you thought to be a product of your imagination. _Jumin's smile._ Now that you know that it was real, you wonder why he showed you that. A smile that you have never seen before. _Is Saeran right? Is he trying to lock me up in the cage again?_

But that is a problem you put aside for the moment, because the main issue at hand is to deal with Saeran's craving for you. _I have this "tiredness" excuse for now... But until when will he accept it?_ You turn to his side of the bed and run your hand over his pillow. _And for how long can I still refuse him?_

\--

"What do you remember about your last months from 2017, MC?" Dr. Go Sojin asks. 

"I... don't?"

"How about your early 2018?"

"I also don't."

"Nothing? Anything is fine."

You look down to your hands. "No. I don't."

"Not even any good memories... with Saeran?"

You frown at this name. For two days now you've been ignoring him... Pretending to be tired. _Thankfully, he respect--_

"MC?" 

"Well..." You keep your new goal in mind, to let go of him, to stop thinking of him. "We weren't very close back then."

"What was him to you back then?"

"Like family." You answer, unconsciously, too fast. Then looks away.

"Where would you have gone if you had met him during those times?"

"I didn't go out much--" But then you remember. _The Ice Cream shop they liked so much..._

"Did you remember something?"

"Yes... I did. Like I said, two years ago, I did not go out much. Zen and Yoosung asked me out very often, but I refused. Jaehee invited me a few times during her free time, but I did the same. Even Jumin... But one time, Saeran called me, and I accepted."

_A few weeks before their birthday, I was dying to feel Saeyoung's presence again. So I did only what a crazy person would do. I looked for trouble._

"When Saeran asked me where to go, I chose an ice cream shop we often visited together, the three of us... He didn't want at first, but I insisted. I bought the one which you share with someone... an ice cream... Saeyoung and I often shared... and..." You laugh. "It was so stupid of my part to do this."

"MC, dear... it wasn't stup--"

"It was!" You chuckle. "Saeran kept looking at me with a concerned expression, like he knew what was about to happen. While I just... I kept smiling and looking at the ice cream! And when I tasted it, it was like the best thing I had in years. Until I... started crying."

_But I still tried to keep smiling anyway... I brought the ice cream to my mouth again, and this second time... the sadness overtook me. I was a crying mess in the middle of a damn ice cream shop._

"Saeran helped me leave the store and into the car. And when I said that I... I hated ice cream..." You laugh again, and a tear threatens to leave your eye. "He took it from my hands and threw both parts out the window." _It would be funny if it weren't tragic._ "Then I asked him to take me home. Jumin's home, I mean."

_"I'm tired... Can you take me home?"_

_"Home? Which home?" He asked me._

_"Jumin's." I answered without a second thought._

_"Of course..." He commented sarcastically. And I just ignored him, not wanting to fight._

"And why did you choose this ice cream shop? Who likes ice cream?"

"Both of them like it, since their childhood--" You almost cry for real this time.

"I see..." She writes something down and then looks at you. "How is your relationship with Saeran?"

You hesitate. "Fine."

She stares at you for a moment. "Okay... Do you recall any other memories of him from that year now?"

You nod. "I met Saeran in a park, and we talked about how I was, and how he was. I was... still crying myself to sleep almost every single night. Sometimes I didn't even sleep at all. But back then, I did not tell him everything. I just asked... for sleeping pills. He didn't have them. He looked at me with a concerned face, but understood why I asked him that. So then I..." _I was stupid again._ "I thought... if I visited our house... I'd feel better."

_"That's... not a good idea." Saeran said, and of course, I insisted. "Okay... but only for as long as I say!" I agreed, but that was not what happened..._

"When I got there, and saw Sayoung's... things, the ones I didn't destroy, I started searching for any clues he might have left. Saeran stopped me, saying there was nothing there. Obviously. Then I went to... our bedroom. All his clothes still in the same place I had left them when I packed mine... I picked one from the floor and smelled it." _It was the worst mistake I could have done._ "I felt his smell and fell down on the mattress. I cried and cried..." You clench your fists as to avoid repeating the same act.

_"I can't live without him..." I told Saeran, who was watching me sob. "It's too much torture!"_

_He did not approach me like he would today, still not used to the touch. But he sat beside me... "I also miss him."_

_"How are you able to accept him... to be gone for a second time?" I was so selfish._

_"I do not. I loathe him for it."_

_Maybe only now I understand why he said that... It is because he now has to take care of me. But back then, I only cried... holding onto Saeyoung's old clothes, remembering all our shared memories in the bed I ended up laying, until I finally fell asleep._

"Jumin came pick me up later, because I did not want to leave..." _And Saeran never forced me to do anything I did not want._ "We said nothing on our way back... but I knew Jumin was very mad at Saeran for taking me there. But it was not his fault. I was the one who chose to be there!"

_Like everything about Saeran and me... it is never his fault._

"What about Saeran? What did he say when Jumin came to pick you up?" Dr. Go Sojin asks.

"He..." _He never really liked Jumin's tendency to control me._ "He did not say anything that day. But I met him the following month, to check on him. Or him to check on me, I don't know anymore, since he was doing way better than me. And he asked me if I... really was going to stay with Jumin."

"And what was your answer?"

"Uh..." You take a deep breath. "I told him the truth."

_"How long will you stay at that apartment?"_

_"I... haven't thought about it." I avoided him, because it was something I did not want to think about._

_"What do you mean? You need to--"_

_"I need to what? What the fuck do I need to do, Saeran?"_

"And what was the truth, MC?" A gentle voice asks you, but you wish you could not answer her.

"I told him... I didn't know what to do with my life. Nothing seemed interesting anymore... I just want... I mean, I just wanted to stay in bed forever. If it weren't for Jumin's..." _Oh, she can't know he has people working for him._ "For him delivering food and reminding me of my daily necessities, I probably would have forgotten it... And sometimes, I even skipped it behind his back." _No wonder Jumin noticed I looked so bad._ "The only thing I could never skip was dinner, because Jumin made sure to personally attend every damn day. Anything else was just... extra."

_Saeran was very concerned when I finished saying all this and asked me if Jumin also saw it... I shrugged, because I did not know at that time, and because I was actually hoping that he didn't. But a few months later, he did prove that he more than worried about my well-being._

"So... what do you think about it now? Did you decide to stay with Jumin by yourself or was it something Jumin forced you to do, following the instructions in that letter?"

You don't know how to answer... You got many memories back, but your feelings are still so foggy. "I... I just told you. I was so fragile back then. Maybe I would have stayed in the streets if anyone asked me to."

"But did Jumin not offer you any good options for you to decide to be there?"

"I... I don't--" 

"You don't need to answer today. You can think about it and answer next week, how about that?"

_I know I got much happier when I was spending my time with Jumin, but I also felt trapped inside that apartment... I needed to leave! And what is the purpose of this question anyway? Still, it does not seem like I can decline it.._.

"Okay." You answer and nod.

You accept another one of her challenges, but as soon as you leave her office, you remember you have... an obstacle. You wonder if you'll even have time to think about Jumin.


	15. Life After Him

From the moment Saeran greets you at the waiting room, you know something isn't right. He looks at you with a grin that is not usual, and offers you a hand to hold that you didn't expect. _I was avoiding him at all costs until we got here. Did he forget it during his therapy session? Or is he... doing it on purpose?_ You look at his face, and his smile is so bright... _No. Saeran would never force me._

You hesitate, but accept his hand, that leads you to the car firmly. There are other people around in the room too, and you don't want to cause a commotion.

"Are you hungry?" He says as soon as he sits next to you. You look at him confused. "I was thinking... Maybe we could go to... To have lunch at a different place."

"A different place?" _He certainly doesn't mean a res--_

"Yeah. Maybe there's a new place, a... a restaurant you want to visit?" He gives you a shy smile.

_He keeps using "maybe" and stumbling on his words. And he completely forgot about my "tired" excuse already... Is he doing it because... he thinks I'm just sad? But he can't be seen on crowded places, why does he-- I can't accept it._

"I... I'm not sure about it. I think it will be too troublesome for you to--"

"Don't worry about it." He places his hand over yours. "Whatever you want, just tell me and we'll do it. I just want... I want to see you happy again."

You look to your hands together. _Oh, Saeran. I really want to tell you the truth._ "I think we should... go home and... cook our lunch. Just the two of us!" You try to be as enthusiastic as you can, and show him the happy face he wants to see.

He gives you a half smile, then turns his head and starts driving. _Is he not satisfied with my response?_ You watch him carefully, as he pays attention to the streets, and there is definitely something different about him today, but you can't quite pinpoint what it is.

Ever since you got back from Zen's musical, you could see his concerned face clearly every time you looked at him. You didn't even need to wonder why he had it on. You knew it was because you were spending your time in your bed, answering him with single words, avoiding his touches, and his promise to... warm you up.

At this moment, you could still see this same concern present on his face and, especially, in his words. _But there is something else... The way he looked at me when he asked for me to be happy. His eyes were so... so sad!_ You turn your head away from him. _Does he want to see me happy because this is the condition... for him to leave me?_

It all makes sense in your head now. You've been postponing his freedom all this time, and that's why he gave you that sad look. So you were wrong. You don't need to be healthy at all... you just need to show him you are happy. Truly happy... or, truly for him, at least.

You still have no idea how you're supposed to do it. But you've been using your acting skills for almost a month to hide your decision from him. It hasn't been always flawless, but you think you're doing okay so far. Certainly you can find a way to fake your happiness as well, right?

\--

The following days were relatively easy to handle. Saeran respected your space, while also trying to spend more time with you in all sorts of activities you enjoyed. Even when you decided to read a book, he just sat beside you to show you he was there. Naturally, you felt more comfortable next to him, and stopped avoiding him. As always, the bad times with him were only temporary.

After three days, you remembered your promise to Dr. Go Sojin. It's been weeks since you stopped talking about your sessions with Saeran. He used to ask about it in the beginning, but once he noticed you just brushed it off, he also stopped it. _It is better this way... I'd hate to tell him that I'm trying to remember my past. He always wanted me to focus on my new life._ This week has another assignment you definitely do not want him to know.

Since he told you that Jumin's gifts were traps, you could never tell him that you have to try and remember if there was something that made you decide to keep living with Jumin. So you reflect about it, without open your mouth.

_I do know the reasons why I left him, but why did I stay there? Wasn't it because he was the first to offer me a house once I left the bunker? No, that's not the reason why I stayed, it's the reason why I went there._

_Maybe it's because I was happy next to him? I did say it during my previous sessions, didn't I?_ But you know it was not all the time. Jumin was always so full of work, you ended up spending the most part of your days alone. Which means, you might as well have lived in another place, and met him as often as his work allowed him to.

Then you remember that maybe it was the comfort of his fancy apartment, but you know Saeyoung's bunker is not in any way less comfortable than that. _Except for the lack of windows... but it makes up for the wonderful garden Saeran worked on outside._ There was also his personal assistants, but you do remember they more annoyed you than helped you sometimes, so it could not be because of them either. _Then why??_

You spend almost an entire day focused on this matter. And of course, Saeran does notice that you are more distant than normal. It's not like it's any hard to see it... When he gives you your medication, you drop them, for you were looking the other way. You apologize and get down to grab them from the floor, but Saeran stops you.

"It's alright." He takes them for you. "I'll fetch new ones. But... Is there something bothering you?"

You lower your eyes to the floor. "No, I'm just... I'm thinking about the... the--" _Shit, think about an excuse. Anything. Something that will make sense-- Oh!_ "My appointment with the doctor who gave me these pills. I'll meet him again in a few days, and I'm nervous, that's all." You give him a smile.

"Yeah... But you're doing great, I'm sure you'll be fine." He kisses your forehead and leaves the bedroom.

You sigh, relieved that your lie worked. _I need to stop getting so distracted. I'm glad Saeran is very understanding, but I'm sure he won't accept it so often..._

Suddenly, you remember a time when you also used to be very distracted in front of someone else. But back then you did not learn... or did not need to lie.

It had been only six months since you started living a few floors under Jumin's penthouse. Every evening, he invited you for dinner, even if you didn't have any appetite. That day, it was the same. You don't remember what exactly you were thinking about, but it was probably something related to your husband, as usual. Sitting in front of Jumin, you just stared at your plate for a long time, until he called your name.

_"Oh. I... I'm sorry, Jumin. I'm just... I don't have the appetite for dinner today. Please excuse me." I stood up from the chair, and Jumin did the same._

_"I refuse to let you go without eating something, MC." He looked at me waiting for an answer, but I just blinked at him. "Is the food not to your liking? I could ask the chef to--"_

_Then I just broke into a sob. Jumin didn't do anything at first, but then helped me sit down again._

_"How... how do you deal with V's absence so well?" I foolishly asked him when he sat in front of me. I was crying so much, but I think he probably must have been surprised by my question. "I keep remembering every little thing Saeyoung said, and I just... I can't--"_

_"The memories V left... are not hurtful. They are to be cherished." He sighs. "Honestly, I do not believe I will ever forgive him for leaving us so early."_

_I then remembered how little Jumin knew about all that happened in Mint Eye that day. Perhaps he had some idea already. Our talk on V's birthday the year before clearly suggested it... but since I never confirmed anything, I can never be one hundred per cent sure._

_"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked about this..."_

_"As long as you feel better, you can tell me anything." He gave me his half-smile and I just nodded, then lowered my gaze to my plate. My appetite was back a few minutes later, and we ate together in silence, for the exception of my occasional sobs._

_Maybe it wasn't so bad after all to live with him... we had such a nice time together, and no matter what I told him, he was very patient with--_

Saeran calls your name, holding the pills for you to take. You slowly lift your hand to grab them, but he clenches his fist.

"You were worrying about it again, weren't you?" You widen your eyes, then nod and look at him.

But it's too painful to watch... his honest concerns for you. You, who does not tell him the truth. _How many lies do I have to tell you until you're free?_

Suddenly, his arms are around you. "I told you already." His voice is muffled by your hair. "It'll be alright. Stop making this face, okay?"

You're not sure what face he's talking about, but while you feel his warm body comforting you, your chest hurts as if his words pierced through it.

_You're too good for me, Saeran._

\--

Winter is still a few months away, but you wake up to a chilly morning, compared to a week ago at least. If it wasn't for your appointment with Doctor Hong, you wouldn't go out of the bunker today. Thankfully, you only need to leave right after lunch so it will be already a bit warmer.

Or so you thought. Some time after breakfast, Saeran insists that you must leave the house to see the garden. He helps you get dressed for the cold wind, despite your protests. That's another big difference between living far from the city... over here, it's always a few degrees colder, since there are many more trees around. It's wonderful during summer, but not so good when it's not.

"It will only be for a few minutes. I promise." He says, while wrapping up a scarf around your neck. "I have a... a little a surprise for you."

Since this surprise is related to the garden, you assumed that they must be flowers. _But it can't be... a week ago, there were almost no flowers at all. He said they would only bloom in spring, so how--_ He totally tricked you. 

He walks with you, hand in hand, towards the most beautiful flower bed you've ever seen. It was small, but had so many different colours of the same flower, red, yellow, pink, white... And they were so beautifully arranged, you could not believe your eyes. _How could they bloom so fast after only a few weeks?_

You turn your head to Saeran to ask his secret. "This is... how did you do this? They were all green the last time I saw!" He smiles and brings you closer to them.

"Do you remember what these are?"

You frown and bend over your knees to get a closer look at the flowers. Not all of them are exactly the same, but you notice they mostly have the same pattern. Long and multiple petals covering the center, like a fluffy ball. 

"Oh! I remember! They are... But how??" You look up at him. "You said chrysanthemums' flowering time is around November!"

He kneels beside you and harvest two flowers. "I told you already. I wanted to give you a surprise." Then, he offers you a hand, and both of you stand up together. He offers you the flowers, and with a smile, you take them.

"They are really beautiful, thanks--"

"Do you also remember what they mean?" He interrupts you, so you look at him. You only shake your head sideways very slowly. "The white one means honesty. And the red one... means love."

You widen your eyes at the two choices of colours he made, which now are found in your hands. _Of all the possible combinations..._ Your heart races and you feel like running away from here right now.

"I just wanted to show you that I... my feelings for you are..." You hear when he takes a deep breath, while you feel like your lungs have stopped working completely. You can't even move your eyes to him, too shocked by... his declaration. "What I mean is... I'm honestly by your side. And I... I always will be."

And when he says these words, you clench your fists around the flowers. You know he can only mean one thing by using them... those words you loved so much to hear.

_Of course. He's pretending. He's pretending to be him again... Just to make me happy. Just so I can set him free._

And yet, something in you... you don't know when it started, or how it started... but something tells you that it's not like that. It's not the persona he created for who is talking. _Perhaps he, Saeran,_ _truly means what he's saying._

_Or perhaps,_ you realize, _it is because now I can't live without him anymore that I hope against hope that it's Saeran who--_

_No! I can't! I can't keep holding him captive anymore... Just like Dracula decided to let Mina go and live in the light, I can't keep staining Saeran with my darkness!_

You look at him and meet his smile. A smile that you haven't seen on his face in a long time... his lips are lifted up very slightly, but his eyes are squeezed as if he were giving you the biggest grin possible, and his brows are curved, like he's tenderly watching you under the morning sunlight.

Right now, all you wish you could do was to tell him to stop. But you know he won't accept it. Not yet. At the same time, you're also relieved that this is the case. You hate yourself for it, but you know the time of his freedom might be just around the corner, and now that it's getting close, a new conflict takes place in your heart.

_I still have no idea what I'll do without you, Saeran. I know I'm not Dracula. I can't die for you. I... I promised Jumin I wouldn't do it. So what am I to do when--_

"Oh no. Why... Why are you crying, MC?" Saeran's voice stops your inner monologue. You didn't even notice your sadness were spilling out. "Is it... was it something I said?" You shake your head. "Then it's the flowers! I can't take them away--"

"No!" You bring them closer to your chest when he tries to grab them from your hands. "I... I really liked them, Saeran." You sniff and try to dry your tears. "I guess... I was just crying out of happiness."

Saeran widens his eyes, surprised with your words, then lifts his hand slowly, until it's reached your face. "If you are happy, I'm also happy." He says it with his low voice, and it calms you down, while his thumb caresses your cheek, making you feel... cherished. 

You want to smile at him, you truly do, because his words are so beautiful and nice to hear, and his touch is so tender... But you can't. _Another day, another lie. When will they stop coming out of my mouth?_

Saeran brings you back inside the bunker when a stronger breeze starts coming into your direction. You decide to put the red and white chrysanthemums he gifted you in a small flowerpot. Carefully and patiently, he helps you, explaining the right procedures to take care of them... When it's finished, you can't stop looking at the lovely flowers in front of you.

It's definitely not the first time Saeran has gifted you flowers, and all of them had just as or even deeper meanings than these chrysanthemums... So you don't understand what's so special about them this time. _Is it because I know we are parting and now I'm counting down our sweet moments together? Or is it because this is the first time I want it to be from Saeran himself, and not..._ You smile, embarrassed at your thoughts. _How could I ever ask this of him? After all I've been putting him through?_

You try to remember all the times you've received flowers from him, from weeks to months ago... when suddenly, you're brought back to another memory from years ago. And you have to acknowledge the fact that Saeran was not the first person to, technically, give you flowers as a token of memory. And it was not your husband either...

Saeyoung was not found of giving you flowers. He said he did not want to give you them because... _what a liar..._ flowers would wither and die, unlike his love for you. _Clearly, his love was not enough to keep him beside me._ But the first person who did gifted you flowers, though, was someone who you didn't expect. And just like this, his way of doing it was also... different.

_Days turned into months again... Once again I didn't notice the changing of the seasons, since the days passed like lightning for me. Or were them more like an endless hourglass? I didn't know... They were all the same. I mostly spend them waiting for Jumin. I knew he always invited me for dinner, so I... started asking for news of Saeyoung's whereabouts again. Of course he always said no. I'd understand why later much later._

_One day, Jumin called me one morning and asked me out. It had been a little more than a month since I last met Saeran. Jumin was still mad at him, because I went back to our-- well, back then, Saeran's house, and it worsened my condition after seeing Saeyoung's stuff. He told me it would be better if I didn't meet Saeran until I started feeling a little better. I was in no position to go against him... But since I couldn't go out to see Saeran, I didn't feel like going out at all. So I refused Jumin's invitation._

_"You spend all your day at home, don't you want to--"_

_"Thanks, Jumin. I really don't want to."_

_"Then I will meet you at lunch today. Would that be alright for you?"_

_"Wha-- Why the sudden change of plans? Don't we always have dinner together?"_

_"I believe you need a motivation to get better. I heard changing the routine can be a positive stimulus."_

_"Okay..."_

_And what a change that was. Jumin not only chose a wonderful meal for our lunch, but I couldn't be more surprised by his choice of decoration for the room where we ate. It seemed like a regular room when I first set foot inside it, with a big window on my right side and only a small table, set for two, in the middle._

_But once we both took our seats, the sunlight coming from the window was completely barred by a motorized blind curtain. And before I could ask Jumin anything, I could see a few images appearing around us. They were beautiful trees... Tall and full of pink little flowers on its edges, the trees were more than pretty. I can still remember them so vividly until today..._

_And then I noticed people walking beside them, and very slightly, I could see the tree branches moving._

_"Oh, I thought they were pictures... They are amazing videos, Jumin, thank you for showing them to me!" I said while still enjoying the view._

_"They are not just videos. They are live projections from the streets." I turned my head to him with a surprising look. "It's almost the end of the cherry blossom season. I just thought you shouldn't have missed them. They are... delightful this year."_

_I watched him, speechless, as he smiled at me. It was one of the nicest gifts someone ever gave me... He then reached for his pockets and showed me one single cherry blossom._

_"This one fell on my head today, while I was visiting the cherry trees by myself. I want you to have it..." He extended his arm over the table. "I hope your life starts anew just like the tree where this flower came from."_

_I didn't want to accept it at first, but I couldn't refuse... not with the words he said. "I... I have no idea how to thank you, Jumin."_

_"There is no need to thank me, MC. I only want to see that always on your face..."_

_"To see what?" I touched my face confused._

_"The smile you are showing me today."_

_I felt myself blushing at that, because back then I hadn't even noticed that I was smiling at him._

You sigh loudly, looking at the chrysanthemums again. _What have I done to myself? I locked myself there because I wanted... Jumin never forced me to stay inside the apartment all day. And if I were not so stupid, if I had listened to him, I would have never got myself and Saeran into this mess._

_I would have never forced him to be someone he's not..._ You close your eyes, as you recall more memories .

It had been already a year since you moved back in the bunker, and you did not even notice time passing so fast. Especially since this year started, you thought you were actually about to start a new life as well. But some things, never change...

_I woke up with a surprise that day. Warm and light kisses on my arm. I called his name... the name of the only person in my heart._

_"Hmm... Saeyoung, let me sleep a bit more, please."_

_I thought he wouldn't stop his lips from touching me, because he never did when I protested before. But he did it this time. He did, and he answered me. Except, it wasn't him, of course._

_"Our breakfast will get cold, my love." Saeran said, with his lovely voice._

_I got up with jolt, looking at him with an apologetic face, then at the tray next to him, then at him again. He just smiled at me, like nothing happened, so I, too, tried to act like I did nothing wrong at all._

_"T-Thank you, my love. It looks..." I grabbed one of the things from the plate and put on my mouth. "Tasty!" I said after eating it._

_We enjoyed our meal in our bed, like a real couple... Like he was really my lover. And I thought it was the end of my surprise morning gift, which so far, I hadn't understood the reason. But then Saeran explained._

_"I have... another surprise for you, my love."_

_"Oh? Why so many surprises today?"_

_"You... You don't remember what day is it?" He tried to hide his disappointment, but I could see it. I only shook my head. "It's been a year since you came back. I... I wanted to celebrate."_

_"Oh! Of course!" I showed a smile and followed him to where he led me._

_Just like today, we found ourselves in the garden, but it was late spring, so the garden was so much more flowery. Suddenly, he took me in his arms, and carried me... bridal style through the flower beds. And because I couldn't bear to see who was carrying me, I hid my face on his neck._

_After a few steps, he gently laid me over a blanket, as the colourful flowers surrounded us and the sunlight kept us warm. It was a wonderful scenery, but I closed my eyes to fully enjoy the feeling of his chest moving up and down under my body... Imagining the real Saeyoung was there with me._

_I think the Sun was already at its peak when we decided to move. I was about to sit up, when Saeran pulled me back to him. Until this day, I blame the strong sunbeams that lit up that vermilion hair of his, that is exactly like his brother's. And the way he looked at me... He was... irresistible. I needed to taste that mouth..._

_The moment I got back to my senses, Saeran was taking off my last piece of clothing. But it was too late to stop. I needed his touch. I craved for... the release I had felt the night before. So I closed my eyes, and let him continue with his lovely touches. I knew he would be able to satisfy me, just like he always did... because in my head, he was more than my sexual partner. He was the Saeyoung that never did and never would leave me... the only person that could make me happy._

You open your eyes again. From the living room, you can hear the distant sounds Saeran is making at the kitchen, probably getting things ready for lunch already, and you smile thinking about his care for you.

_I've made you suffer enough with me... It's time to see you off with a smile_.

Now you have decided. You are to bid farewell to Saeran, even if it leads you to a sad life after that.

The appointment with the doctor who changed your pills went just as expected, apart from having to continue with your lie about being nervous about it. You noticed Saeran was trying to calm you the entire time until you entered his office. But it didn't annoy you. _This is cute_ , you thought instead _, I'm the one who's wrong anyway._

Doctor Hong asked about how your first month with the new medication was, and you told him everything. From your first week almost with no sleep at all, to your last week when a strong dizziness hit you. But he said all of your symptoms could be normal on your first or second month. He was, in fact, more worried about your episodes' frequency. When you told him you hadn't had one in a long time, he congratulated you, and told you the new medicine, along with your psychological therapy, was the right choice.

_Yes. As long as it helps me to become the person who Saeran will stop taking care of, I have made the right choice..._

Before you left, Doctor Hong asked you to return in three months. And you wondered... _when that time comes, will I still have you waiting for me outside, Saeran?_

At night, when it was time for you to take your pills again, you decided to ask Saeran to give the bottles back to you. Because you explained everything you heard from the doctor earlier today, you thought it would only make sense that you got the control over your medication back. _I'm doing it for your own good, Saeran, so please..._ you thought while he looked at you and considered your request.

"I... I don't think it's the right time yet." He answered after some time.

"But... but why?"

"Well, I... I think you're not... I think you--" But then you realized your own mistake.

"It's alright, I understand." You grab the pills from his hand and, after taking them, lay down on your side of the bed with your face away from him.

"MC..." Saeran sits next to you and touches your arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I just--"

"I said it's alright... I mean it. Let's go to sleep." You interrupt him with a calm voice.

Because you really think it's alright, though. And you are so stupid for acting like this, but you can't help yourself... You think Saeran is not giving them back to you because he thinks you're not ready to be on your own, and what do you do? You make use of it to your advantage.

_If Saeran doesn't think I'm ready, then I won't push it. I'll let myself enjoy another day beside him._

_Just one more day..._

\--

And one day it was. You spent your Wednesday together, watching movies and eating popcorn all afternoon... At night, you cooked dinner together. You noticed his hands and your hands were often touching... More so than what you had previously allowed for the past weeks. But all in all, it was a perfect day.

Unfortunately, it had to end. The following day, you're back to visiting your therapist, and back to confronting your past. This time, however, you fully want to face it. You've accepted your choice, and now it is time to fulfill the promise you've made to yourself.

"So what is your answer?" Dr. Go Sojin asks, referring to the task she gave you.

"I have recovered a few memories this week. I believe... despite my state, Jumin took care of me. He gave me a new home and was very patient when I was at my worst." _If I had just followed his advice_...

"Oh? What kind of memories did you get back?"

"Well, they..." _I can't tell her about V, and talking about those flowers would be too embarrassing._ "I guess they are not very different from what I already have told you... Two years ago, Jumin kept inviting me to have dinner with him every evening, so I remembered one time I was feeling very sad, and he helped me... regain my appetite. And another time, he changed the routine and invited me for lunch instead."

She nods and smiles at you. "How about... the following months after Saeyoung left you? Were they also like this?"

"Well, I... I suppose it was."

"You suppose?"

_Of course... why would I want to remember my darkest time?_ "Yes." You answer her with a frown as well.

"MC." She takes a deep breath and gets closer to you over her desk. "I know these were painful months for you, but it is important that you have a new opinion about them, as your current self. And for that, you have to think about them with your current mind. Do you understand me?"

You nod and lower your gaze to your hands, which involuntary are squeezed together. The last thing you want is to feel that awful void in your chest whenever you talk about 2017. So you try and focus on memories which are a little less difficult to talk about. Coincidentally, the first thing that comes into your mind is Jumin's birthday.

"It was... almost a month after he left me. That was the only date I was worried about, which made me forget completely about Jumin's birthday. He already had started with the routine of inviting me to dinner, telling me he wanted to make sure I was eating... I asked him if there were any news about Saeyoung, and he reassured me they were looking into it... Of course he always said no, but I would only understand why much later."

"Do you blame Jumin for not searching for Saeyoung?"

"Absolutely not." She raises her brows and you remember she has no idea about their identities. "Saeyoung's threats are... quite intimidating, so Jumin would never... risk his life." _Or his family business, for that matter._

She only nods and you continue with your story. "So... I forgot about his birthday, but I don't know why... perhaps it was... destiny." You chuckle. "I decided to spend more time with him that evening. Actually, not with him. With his cat."

_I saw Elizabeth laying on his sofa, and decided to join her, after our dinner. I started playing with her... I feel like it was the only happy moment of my day. But too soon, my smiles turned into tears._

"As I played with her, it brought me memories from Saeyoung, and the moments he too played happily with..." _his Elly._ "Elizabeth the Third. So, naturally, I started sobbing, letting go of her, who ran from me. Jumin, on the contrary, sat beside me, even in his clueless state."

_"Is there... anything you would like me to do?"_

_"No, it-it's okay..." I tried to speak between my sobs. "I just want... I want to have some silent company."_

_"It's always my pleasure to have you here."_

_"Thank you, Jumin."_

"And then, his..." _his security guard knocked on the door to tell him his father just sent him a gift box._ "His father knocked on the door to deliver him... his birthday gift. I was so ashamed of myself for forgetting his birthday. But Jumin was so understanding, not blaming myself at all... I just thanked him once again for... taking care of me."

_"What?? Why no one told me anything??" I yelled at him, but mostly at his people for hiding it from me the entire day, when they entered with the gift box. But I knew it was not their fault... They only followed orders._

_"I told them not to disturb you with unnecessary infor--"_

_"Unnecessary? Jumin, it's your birthday! You're my friend and hosting me! How could it be unnecessary??"_

_"It's... not important. I only want you to feel better soon, MC."_

_"I... I see. I'm sorry I'm being such a problem--"_

_"You are not." He interrupted with his stern voice. "I sincerely want you to focus on yourself."_

_"Okay... thanks for everything. And... happy birthday."_

_"Thank you. I had one. With you and Elizabeth the Third, I could not ask for a happier birthday."_

_Oh God..._ _Jumin is such a cat mom!_ You laugh at yourself.

"What is it, MC?" She asks. You thought you did not laugh too loud, but now you don't know how to answer.

"Uh... it's nothing. I just... miss Jumin's cat."

"I see..." She writes on her notebook and turns to you again. "What else do you remember?"

"I think a few weeks later, or perhaps a month, or two months, I'm not sure..." You squint your eyes trying to remember, but it's been so long, and you were feeling so bad at that time, that you really won't force yourself. "I know a long time after that, I met my friends. I think I did not meet any of them ever since that horrible sleepover party, so... it was the first time they were seeing me after that. And they all looked at me like I... Like I really looked like trash. I could feel their pity whenever they talked to me, and I couldn't just leave it. I told them I was... missing an important part of my life, so of course I would like that." You smile. _Now I remembered..._ "Then I told them not to worry, because Jumin was... doing a great job taking care of me."

_"It is nothing." He said, smiling at me. "I wish I could do more."_

_"Are you crazy? I couldn't ask more of you, Jumin!" I shook my hands and returned his smile with one of my own._

_Then I looked to the rest of my friends and saw Saeran, just observing me, with a very serious face... I tried to give him a smile too, but the only one I could manage was a sad one. He moved his face away from me when he saw it._

_I spent the rest of my time having fun with the RFA. Saeran kept acting as an outcast... And when I went home, I felt so tired, which made sense. I hadn't slept well in days, or months, and hadn't had that sort of interaction for the same amount of time._

_I slowly fell asleep during our drive home, and when I woke up, I was leaning my head on Jumin's shoulder... But it didn't feel wrong at all at that time..._

"I had a very nice time with my friends, even though I was still very sad... And it repeated a few weeks later, on Jaehee's birthday party."

_"But I'm so sorry I could not help with this year's RFA Christmas party, Jaehee!" I told her right after wishing her a happy birthday._

_"I really don't mind about it, MC. I'm just happy you could come today."_

_"Of course I came! I would never miss your birthday!" I said, hugging her one more time._

_We all thought the Christmas party would be cancelled, since... well, I was not in the mood to host it, and we had one less member on our group. But Jumin and Yoosung insisted it should be held. Jumin said it would be good for RFA's image, while Yoosung said we should carry on Rika's duty._

_Speaking of Yoosung, that day he was happier than usual..._

_"I got a letter from Rika's caretaker a few days ago!" He yelled at us while shaking the paper on his hand. "She's having some improvements already, guys!"_

_And while everyone congratulated him, I just said "I'm... happy for you two", hesitantly. Because, actually, even today I still don't know my own feelings towards Rika. I hate her for all she did to the twins and V, but without her, I'd never have the RFA..._

"But even if I love my friends and spending time with them, back then, I was uncomfortable about a certain subject we were talking about... And Jumin must have noticed it. He quickly changed it, and I... thanked him in my head. I can't remember to what it was now, but... I know it often happened. Throughout the following year and the beginning of the next..." You move your eyes to the floor, finally able to accept the truth about your past with him. "He always took care of me... I think I was... I was just... being selfish when I read that letter. I knew he did not have a choice. Neither of us had when Saeyoung left us."

"But don't you think you've made your choice?" You widen your eyes, and think about it for some time.

"I... did?"

"Did you not choose to go to Jumin's house and stay there by yourself?" You nod. "And did Jumin not say he chose to accept you in his house and to take care of you despite the letter?"

You nod again, but there is one choice you did not get to make. "Except, I did not ask for any of these things... I didn't ask to choose this. Saeyoung didn't let me choose when he decided to leave me."

"You are absolutely right. The key point in a healthy relationships is communication, if you don't have that... It will probably create a great gap between you and your partner."

"Yeah... I can speak with propert--" You choke and cough a few times.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I... It was nothing." You try to show her a smile.

"Well, then... I'm very glad I could help you feel better with your past, MC." She stands up and you follow her. "But I hope you don't think this is the end. As I said, therapy is a long process, and there are a few things we still need to deal with, alright?"

"Okay..." You bow to her. "See you next week."

You meet Saeran, and you feel a lot lighter. When he gives you his hand, and greets you with his smile, you don't feel intimidated anymore, and even reciprocates him. But Dr. Go Sojin's words about communication and a healthy relationship keep coming back to you.

_No! I'm not doing the same thing as Saeyoung. I know it was my decision to leave Saeran, and to not tell him anything about it. Not until the last minute. But I also know he is eager to be free of me and live his own life. He showed me so many times! He will be glad when he finds out... I'm doing all of this for him._

You don't know how Saeran's going to react once you tell him, but while he drives, you make another decision against his judgement. You pick up your phone and send a message... to Jumin.

_You: Can we meet? (11:18 a.m.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flashbacks are (finally) over!!!
> 
> From now on, I probably won't be updating on a weekly schedule, sorry~
> 
> Please be patient, take care, and thank you sooo much for reading ♥


	16. Without Realizing, Heading Towards...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!!

_Should I really just ignore Saeran's warnings about Jumin's intentions? I know he wants me to be happy, but... it doesn't make sense. Knowing Jumin, he could just tell me what's on his mind, he would never trick me to get away from someone, he would just tell me this person is bad for me._ You let out a silent chuckle. _Exactly like he did so many times about Saeran. And even so, he never forced me to leave him._

_On the other hand, does Saeran really think I'd leave him for the fancy gifts Jumin gives me? Do I look so innocent? Can't he understand that..._ You move your eyes from the window to his face. _He's the only one who has what I miss the most?_ You stare at his profile and smile. _How lucky was I to fall in love with an identical twin? If Saeyoung and Saeran were just regular brothers, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't be hurting--_

Your phone ringtone stops you from thinking useless things. _In life, there is no what if... I am here today. And I'm hurting Saeran because of it._

As soon as you see who's calling, you slide the "ignore" button. _Couldn't you reply my message like a regular person, Jumin??_ You unlock your phone to answer him with a text.

"Who was it?" Saeran's question makes your hand, and your whole body really, freeze in place. Obviously, you don't want to tell him the truth. You say the first name that comes into your mind besides Jumin.

"It was Jaehee." You answer without looking at him.

"Oh... and why didn't you pick up?"

_Shit..._ You lift your gaze to the road ahead, trying to think about a good excuse. You're still near downtown, so you look at the cars around... _That's it!_

"I didn't want to distract you. From the traffic."

"Hm." _He really didn't buy it, did he?_

"Don't worry." You say, both to yourself and to him... "I'm sure it's nothing important."

He doesn't answer, and you keep looking ahead, still avoiding his eyes, which you occasionally feel over yourself. Eventually, you decide to try and ignore him. _I really should answer Jumin before he calls me again._

_MC: Why did you call me? (11:46 a.m.)_

_Jumin: Did you not want to arrange a meeting? (11:47 a.m.)_

_MC: I do, but it's not an emergency. (11:47 a.m.)_

_I just thought... maybe we could have dinner together. Like old times? (11:49 a.m.)_

_Jumin: I'll send a car for you. Is six a good time? (11:52 a.m.)_

You widen your eyes at his new message. _What the hell?_

_MC: Today?? (11:52 a.m.)_

_Jumin: Do you have other plans? (11:52 a.m.)_

_What kind of question is this? He knows I don't. Unless I count telling the truth to Saeran as my other plan..._ You lift your head and bite your lips, wondering once again if this is the right choice. _I know it's just a dinner. It should not be wrong... So why do I feel like committing the worst of the sins?_

"What does she want?" You look to the owner of the voice and your heart almost pumps out through your throat.

"What?" You look at him this time, trying to fake your innocence.

"Jaehee." Saeran says, as if checking with you once again that it's indeed this person who you're talking to. "Aren't you texting her?"

"Oh. Yes." You had the worst of the ideas, and can't stop yourself from lying. "She asked me if... if I could have dinner with her today."

Saeran inhales deeply before making the next question, and you watch him with care. "And how did you answer her?"

"I..." You look down to your phone, rereading Jumin's last message. "I haven't replied yet."

"Do you not want to go?"

You don't answer him straight away, taking your moment to consider your actions... to consider all the bad things you're doing by lying to Saeran, by doing something he said you should not do... _This isn't something I should want._ You know Saeran will probably hate you for the rest of his life if he finds out about this lie.

_But can he hate me more than he already does? I've already fucked up with his life for over a year... He can't blame for one more mistake, can he? Besides, what is one more lie between us?_

And this time, it isn't about him, this is about your friends. Since your therapist helped you amend your memories, you decided to both apologize and thank those who took care of you too. You feel you didn't do a good job with these tasks, especially towards Jumin and Jaehee, because you chose to forget most of your memories about your time with them... So a dinner seemed like a good opportunity to settle things between you three.

Saeran calls your name and you look at him with a sad smile.

"So you don't wan--"

"I do. I want to go."

Saeran nods, showing no emotion. "Then... I will take you there later."

"Thank you, Saeran." You smile more happily this time. He quickly takes a glance at your face, then returns to focus on the road.

_MC: Pick me up at Jaehee's... I'll be there at six. (12:04 p.m.)_

_But let her be there when I arrive! I want to talk to her. Give us an hour. (12:04 p.m.)_

His reply doesn't come for a few minutes, and you sink into your seat, wondering if he gave up. _I really complicated things by choosing to go to Jaehee, didn't I? He probably doesn't even want to meet me anymore... Well, why would he, anyway? I always try to make things my own way, I'm sure he thinks I'm just being a spoiled--_ Your phone makes a sound and you immediately reads the new text.

_Jumin: See you later. (12:22 p.m.)_

If Saeran noticed your excitement, he said nothing. But honestly, you really could not distinguish anymore if you were feeling more excited or nervous about telling your friends about your regained memories. You knew Jaehee would fully support you, so you can almost predict her reaction. But Jumin... _Will he hate me for leaving him last year? For treating him like a liar? For... hating him..?_ The closer the car gets to Jaehee's house, the stronger the feeling in your gut tells you to go back home and cancel this whole thing.

Too soon, you arrive, and you keep watching Jaehee's door, not finding the strength to get out of the car. Suddenly, warm hands land on yours, which are clenched together over your lap. Once, this gesture was able to calm and give you the courage to do anything. But now... _it's only making me more nervous._

"Relax. It's just a dinner with Jaehee, isn't it?" _Did he find out?_ You look up to his face, but he's showing no signs of it."It won't take long until you're back here. Trust me." _But you should not trust me, Saeran._

You want to reciprocate the smile he gives you, but you can't. You only nod and turn to the other side to leave, slowly freeing yourself from his hands. With all the strength you still have inside, you fight the urge to look back. _The sight of him being fooled is too much to bear..._

_But can he really be fooled? He probably asked just a rhetorical question, but... what if it wasn't?_ You barely greet Jaehee and run to her window to verify that Saeran is gone, and not waiting for you on the other side of the road.

"Are you... alright?" She asks, walking to your side and staring outside the window as well.

"I... I'm fine. Just worried that Saeran would keep waiting for me outside."

"Oh my... Why do you think he'd do it?"

"Uh..." _Because he probably suspects me?_ "Never mind! Let's forget about it!"

She nods and gestures for you to sit. "But MC... why did you want to come here before your dinner with Mister Han?"

_Oh, of course she would ask about it._ You truly wanted to talk with Jaehee about your memories and thank her for everything she did for you, but the main reason was... certainly not that. But of course, she could not know about Saeran's hatred towards Jumin. _Well, she probably knows already after... Jumin's birthday party and Zen's musical opening night, right? Still, I can't..._

"Because I wanted to talk to you, of course!"

"Talk to me?" Jaehee frowns. "What about?"

"I have been doing therapy, as you know, and I have... recovered almost all of my memories from the past years."

Jaehee's eyes widen. "That's amazing, MC!" She grabs your hands. "I am so happy for you!"

"Thanks, Jaehee... And that's exactly why I wanted to come and talk to you. And Jumin too." You smile at her. "To thank you guys for taking care of me when I was at my worst. I seriously don't know how to ever repay--"

Jaehee suddenly embraces you. "You don't ever need to repay us! I just want--" Jaehee's low voice cracks next to your ear. "We all just want to be with you, MC. During the bad times or happy times... I hope you don't ever forget you are our dearest friend. And we would do anything for your happiness."

_Oh, Jaehee..._ You embrace her tighter as a happy tear leaves your eye. You just wish you could explain to her that you don't deserve any of this treatment. You are not at all the good person she thinks you are.

"Thank you so much, Jaehee. You are the best friend I could ever ask for."

She distances herself from you and dries her watery face. "Come on, we need to get you ready before Driver Kim arrives."

"What are you talking about? I am ready."

"Not yet." She takes your hand and leads you to the bedroom where you used to sleep in. On the bed, there is a beautiful dark blue velvet dress. It has long sleeves and a skirt not long enough to cover all your legs, but the black coat next to it seems to be enough to warm you up for the chilly night outside. There is also a...

"A hat? I mean, the rest is already a bit too much for a simple dinner at Jumin's, but why would I need a hat?" You pick up the big round hat on your hands and notice it has a black veil attached to it. "Jaehee, what does--"

Jaehee has her hands clasped together tightly in front of her and she looks at you like she's about to say something you won't like.

"I think you haven't seen the news... have you?"

"The news? No..." You place the hat back on the mattress and pick up your phone to look into it. "Why? Is there something I should--"

"Don't!" She rushes to your side and stops your hands. "I... I have been very busy trying to take down those articles, so I believe there won't be any left."

"Articles? What about?" _This doesn't sound good._

"It's... uh... not important." She smiles at you. "But unfortunately, you won't be able to go to Mister Han's house today."

"What??"

"Don't worry. You'll meet him at a very nice restaurant."

"Jaehee! That was not--"

"I know..." She picks up your hands. "I know what you're going to say. That it was not necessary. But just take it as the meal you would have that day after watching Zen."

You think for a moment, looking down at your hands together. "Then why don't you come with us? I decided to thank you both today, so it's only fair that we have dinner together."

"Oh... thanks for the invitation, MC. But I only made reservations for two." You look at her and then to the clothes on the bed. _I should have told Jumin to invite her..._ "I'll leave you to change. Driver Kim will be here any minute now."

"What? Any minute?? But I asked Jumin to give us an--"

Jaehee just watches you with her smile that says 'please don't blame me, it was all his decision', and that's what you do. You know Jaehee is a faithful friend, but she could never risk her job. _Or is she on Jumin's side?_

"Fine..." You say and let out a loud sigh. "But this is the last time I accept his terms!"

"Of course." She smiles at you and closes the door. You roll your eyes and laugh. _These two..._

While you put on the clothes, you keep thinking of Saeran's words about Jumin's gifts being a trap... This was supposed to be a dinner, a talk among friends, and now you're once again surrounded by Jumin's stuff. _Why do I even accept his gifts every time? This is wrong, isn't it? He's really trying to--No... he's just my friend, he's just... sharing his wealth with a friend. And he's not asking anything back from me, so why would it be wrong?_

After you finish, you leave the bedroom, still feeling a bit uncomfortable wearing such nice clothes...

"You look so pretty, MC!" Jaehee says as soon as you step into the living room. "Wait, there is one more thing!"

She goes into her room and comes back with a pair of black heels. _Oh, that's too much!_

"Jaehee! How many more things did he buy??"

"He didn't." _What?_ "I went shopping these afternoon... and chose all of these for you. Did you like them?"

_This... why did she??_ "Jaehee, thank you! It's... it's beautiful, but... why?"

"Well... I couldn't let you have a nice meal, in a nice place, without wearing such nice clothes." She helps you adjust the hat and sighs. "I just hope you'll be safe until..."

"Safe? What do you mean?"

"Oh... nothing!"

_It can't be nothing... but if she refuses to say, I won't force her._ You sit on the sofa, but after only a few minutes, Driver Kim arrives.

"Thank you for the clothes again, Jaehee!" You say as you lift the veil.

"It's my pleasure! I wish you a good evening and I'll wait for your good news when you come back!" You're not sure what she's talking about, but you guess she means your reconciliation with Jumin. "And remember, do not take off your hat until you meet him, okay?"

"Okay!" You lower your veil and walk to Driver Kim, who helps you walk to the car, since you can barely see anything through the black cloth covering your face.

The ride is smooth and when you get there, before Driver Kim opens the door for you, you quickly lift the veil and take a peek at the restaurant's entrance. You have the feeling that you've been here before, or you either have seen this place somewhere... _Was it in a drama?_

"Miss, you will have to go there alone. I apologize, but I can't walk with you." Driver Kim says after you exit the car.

"Oh... it's alright. There's a lot of light here, I think I can do it. Thanks for the ride!"

"Be careful, Miss." He bows and goes back inside the car.

_Okay... I just need to not fall wearing heels and a veil. It can't be that hard, right?_ You see a few people close to the door, and it makes you pretty nervous. _If I do fall, it will be so embarras--_

"It's her!" A male's voice from the distance.

"What?" A few voices ask the same question.

"Yeah, it must be! It fits the description!" A female voice answers.

"No! Let me pass!" Some people start fighting trying to get as close to you as possible.

"Get away! I was here first!" _What the--_

As you were about to reach the entrance, you're surrounded by dozens of photographers trying to take your picture. _Do they think I'm an idol or something?_ You try to go past them, while still covering your face and trying to keep your balance at the same time. _I'm not going to last long if they keep wooah--_ suddenly two tall man grab your arm, pulling you away from the photographers.

"Don't worry, Miss! We work here, we are to escort you inside the restaurant." One of them says. You can't really look at their faces, since there are too many people trying to take pictures of your own, but your only option is to believe in him.

You walk together, going past the flashes from the cameras, and you almost take off your hat once you feel yourself safe again, but then you remember Jaehee's words about only taking it off when meeting Jumin.

"We are sorry for that, Miss." A woman speaks this time. "Your table is ready. Please follow me." _Jumin is already here, then..._

She leads you to the second floor of the restaurant, and you can hear some people from the other tables whispering about you as you follow her. _Do they think I'm famous?_

"Here we are. Please enjoy your stay." She bows and gestures for you to enter in what seems to be a private room.

"Thank you." You say and take a step inside.

Through your veil, you see the unmistakable silhouette of the person responsible for you being here today and for, you guess, what just happened too. But still, you can't blame him. You're the one who asked for a meeting. _It's my fault..._ You easily accept the situation, smiling at yourself.

"You can take off your hat now." _Oh, right._ You stop smiling and do as he says. He puts both your hat and your coat on a hanger on the wall, next to his own coat. "I apologize for making you come all the way here by yourself... I hope those reporters did not scare you."

"Well... It was a bit annoying, but manageable." He pulls the seat for you and then takes his own seat across the table. "Why are they here, anyway?"

He does not answer, and looks away, making a serious face. You know he is definitely worried about something, and Jaehee's words also makes you curious about the situation.

"Jumin... What is going on? Why are we not in your house?" He keeps avoiding your eyes. He takes the menu and gives it to you, completely ignoring your question. "Jumin!"

He sighs. "I prefer that we have our meal first. This is a rather serious talk, and I don't want to spoil our appetite. Is it alright for you?"

You look at his slightly unpleasant face, then to his white knuckles holding the menu forcefully. You guess something very serious must have happened with either him or C&R, and that was what Jaehee was talking about.

"Okay." You say in the end. You're here to make up your friendship with him, not add more issues to it, so there is no other way but to accept.

When the food arrives, you decide to start talking about your therapy ever since you started it, how it helped you see that he and Jaehee were very important for you throughout these years, and he seems pleased about it. You tell him the same things you said to her and then, you finally thank him.

"That is why I wanted to see you today. I would like to thank you both. For everything. I... I know I wouldn't have been here today if it weren't for your help." You move your eyes up to him and he looks at you with his brows slightly raised. "And I... I shouldn't have stayed mad at you for that letter. I went to your house because I wanted, and you... you had your own difficulties. I should never have blamed you for not going after Saeyoung. I knew he would--"

"But I did." He interrupts you, and you drop your silverware unintentionally.

"I'm sorry, I--" You look at him with a shocked face. "What?"

"Against his wish, I tried to find him."

For a moment, you don't want to ask what happened next. _What if he found him? What if he didn't? What if he's... Is that why Jumin didn't tell me? No... It can't be!_ You're so curious, yet so afraid to know what were the results of his search that you just stare at him for long minutes.

Jumin asks the waitress to come and take off your plates. He knows you've lost your appetite by now, and you can't believe he still knows you so well. When the woman leaves, you finally ask him.

"So what... what happened? When was that? Did you find anything?" You ask all of these, but you don't know what you want to know first.

"It was right after he disappeared. I assembled an entire team specialized in tracking people, but..." Jumin trails off and doesn't resume his speech.

"But??" Your heart rate is unhealthily high right now.

"I'm sorry, MC. I really didn't want you to know this." He sighs and you feel like your heart is going to explode the longer he takes to explain it. "In a few days, Saeyoung found out. He hacked my computer and sent me a one-word message. It was covering my entire screen."

Jumin crosses his arms and looks away. After a long minute, he still doesn't explain it. "What was the word, Jumin?"

He moves his eyes to yours and finally answers. "Stop."

You nod. "I should have guessed... He did say he would end C&R if you tried to locate--"

"But I did not stop." You lean over the table as he says these words.

"Why not??"

"Would you have wanted me to stop?" He asks with a serious face.

"I..." You honestly don't know how to answer it.

"I made the right decision then." You lower your gaze. _I can't believe he did it for me._ "A few weeks later, I received another message from him. Not as friendly as the previous one, unfortunately... That day, we lost three containers full of C&R products."

"Oh my God..." You cover your mouth. You don't want to believe his words, but you don't want to doubt him either.

"And to my office, he also... sent another letter. It was the only reason I got to know that was his doing." From the pocket inside his jacket, Jumin takes a paper folded in half. "I did not want to show you this before, because..." He closes his eyes and sighs. "No matter. I don't want to hide anything from you again."

You're visibly shaking when you take the letter from his extended hand. But without hesitating, you open and read its contents.

_Director Han Jumin,_

_I thought I made it clear. If you continue with this lame pursuit, I'll have no other option but to end with your precious C &R. For the sake of our former friendship and because you took my ex-wife into your house earlier than I expected, I've sent you a little warning. I hope it was the last one. Next time it won't be just three small boxes._

_\- 707_

Everything in this letter hurts you. The way he addresses Jumin, the words he uses to rudely demand for the end of his chase, how he takes the blame for the destruction of C&R's property so bluntly, the name he uses to sign in the end, and of course, the title he uses for you.

_He seriously considers I'm his... his ex?_ You read the letter again, just to be sure, and there it is, the worst thing you could ever expect from. _So he... he let go of me all those years back? I... I'm nothing to him anymore? It was all my wishful thinking that he still loved me... still thought of me like I do, after all these years... and that some day, he still would come back to me!_

If your heart has been broken since he left, you feel it turning into dust. You don't want to accept this. _I can't believe he wrote it..._ _But this is, indeed, his handwriting, I've seen it so many times. How can I not accept it?_ And somehow, after so many times hearing and dealing with the fact that Saeyoung was just you past for the past months, with the help of Dr. Go Sojin, you don't feel yourself falling into a pit of sorrow, you are, instead, handling all the sadness emanating from this small piece of paper far better than you would if you found out about it a year ago, for example.

This time, you feel your mind going to the moment you took off your wedding ring. The moment you let go of your promise to be with him forever... _How could I have delayed it all these years? I can't believe I was so stupid!_ And suddenly, all you have for Saeyoung is hatred. Hatred for leaving you. Hatred for fooling you. Hatred for lying to you. Hatred for loving you and allowing you to taste what happiness was like. _It was all a lie, wasn't it? It was all an illusion!_

Jumin calls your name and you can hear him asking if you need something... but you can't answer or even look at him in your current state. With teary eyes, you crumple the paper in your hands and smash it on the table.

_I hope I don't ever see you again, Seven Zero Seven. I hope you never return to my life! Despite what we thought, we were never meant to be!_

You dry the few tears that insisted to roll down your cheeks, then pull yourself together, decided to talk with the person who actually helped you ever since you met him, even while he's been living with the pain of losing his best friend for a... _what a coincidence..._ troubled relationship.

"Jumin, I am so sorry about what happened. You didn't deserve any of these things." You stand up and bow to him. "I also apologize for C&R, it suffered great losses because of what I--"

Jumin stands up and places his hands on your shoulder. "I would have gladly offered my wealth if it meant I could get him back to you." You slowly rise up and look at him surprised. "Unfortunately, he had already made his decision and all that was left for me was to take care of you."

"I... Thank you, but you really didn't need to. I could have--"

"Could you?" He lifts one of his eyebrows and you look away. "But there was no problem with that. I've always wanted to do it."

"What?" _Did I hear that right? Did he say always?_

Jumin helps you sit down and then takes his seat in front of you again. "Do you remember this restaurant?"

You take a look around the private room you're having this conversation in. There is a big window behind Jumin, covered by a white curtain, then a side table on your left, with some decorative plants on it, and on your right side, the wall with your coats and your hat hanging on it. The walls have a golden and white wallpaper, and the floor is probably covered with a fancy wood. But there is nothing special about-- _Oh. But I do remember the entrance._

"I think I've passed by this restaurant some time before, or seen it somewhere... it's somewhat familiar to me."

He nods. "This js the same restaurant we had our first lunch together. On V's birthday. Four years ago."

"Ohh, you're right! But we ate downstairs last time, right?"

"Yes. I'm glad you remember." You nod, recalling that other side of his he showed you that day. "We barely knew each other at that time, but because of our... shared experience that day, I made the decision to protect you." _What? What kind of logic is that?_ "I also made a vow to myself." You watch him with your eyes widened. _Well, I guess his mind works differently_. "That I would never let you meet the same fate as V. I could not lose another friend again."

"That... that's very sweet, Jumin. Thank you." You are a bit too honoured by his words, and have no idea how to thank him properly.

"Everything I did from then on was with this thought on my mind... I would never allow myself to let you down as I had let my best friend." Jumin places his crossed hands on the table. "I understand if you think I was..." He closes his eyes, and inhales a bit too deep to continue. "If I am invading your personal space. But I promise you, whether physical or... with words alone, my only wish is to give you happiness and a comfortable life by offering you the best options."

_So Saeran is wrong, then? His gifts are not traps... Oh, now that he mentioned his words... he really was the one who asked me to start therapy, so... maybe he just really cares about me..._ You look at him, and you see nothing but honesty in his face. _I knew it! Saeran always misunderstood Jumin!_ This realization calms you more than you thought it would, and you can't control your smile, but his next words take your joy away from you.

"But I miscalculated." Jumin presses his temple. "I would never have expected that the most important part of your happiness would go missing." He leans on the back of his chair and takes a deep breath. "The morning I received the letter telling me I was supposed to take care of you, I felt enraged. I had been doing that for a year already, he did not need to ask me." Your cheeks flush with this affirmation. "I was also incredibly disappointed. He couldn't even keep his own promise as your husband, how could he ask anything from me?"

He picks up his glass of wine and stare at it for some time before continuing. "And yet, I could not deny my worry for you after his departure. I knew he was right about one thing. I knew you would be in need of help once he left. But I did not agree with him. I did not think I was the only one to take care of you. RFA is a group, so I believed we could all assist you."

You nod, thankful for his words. _He really didn't want to keep me in a cage._ At the same time, you're ashamed, because you fell on your husband's trap. "I guess, I was the one to do exactly as he planned out, wasn't I?"

He shakes his head and explains. "I hope you forgive me. I also could not let you go anywhere without comfort. When Assistant Kang told me you wanted to move out from his bunker, the first thing that came into my mind was that apartment I offered you. I knew it was exactly what Saeyoung wanted, and yet..." Jumin closes his eyes, speechless once more.

"It's okay! I don't blame you, I--" You try to reassure him, but he shakes his head again and continues.

"I am truly sorry, MC." He looks at you with painful eyes and you want to stop him, but his words are so nice to hear, you can't bring yourself to do it. "I wanted to give you a happy life, but I ended up giving you sorrows instead. Nothing can change the past, so my only wish is that, after you left, you found what you were looking for." You frown at his last phrase.

"What I was looking for..?"

"I thought I would be able to give you happiness if I kept you by my side, taking care of you. But when you told me you wanted to leave, I realized your freedom was more important than that. Now I know, you deserve the freedom to choose where your happiness is." _Oh, Jumin..._ "But of course, I still want to see you well, so I cannot stop myself from helping you even now."

You feel once again the need to thank him. "I really appreciate your gesture, Jumin. And I..." You laugh, feeling a bit awkward. "Well, I... I just wanted to thank you today. For everything you did for me. And now that I know your real feelings, I want to thank you even more... but I feel like being here in this restaurant makes it so formal, we could just be in your house!"

"Yes, my... real feelings..." Jumin looks at you with apologetic eyes. "I am sorry. Being here today was not part of my plans, but..." _Oh, shit. I was not supposed to talk about it until he decided to... Well, I guess it's too late now._

"Jumin..." You extend your arm over the table and touches his hand. _He's freezing!_ "Is something wrong? You can tell me!"

He opens and closes his mouths a few times, now looking at your hand, but no words come out. _Is he worried I'll be sad if he tells me? Upset? What is the--_

"Do you remember my birthday party?" He finally speaks. You nod. "Can you guess why I was surprised-- No." He interrupts himself. "I was, in fact, apprehensive to see you there. Can you guess why?"

You frown. "Because we were still fighting?" He shakes his head sideways.

"Ever since I turned thirty, my father... has been trying to find me someone to marry." You immediately take your hand off him, shocked by his words.

You know Jumin's relationship with women is not good. He never explained why, but you know he would rather stay single forever than experience the hardships of a marriage. Especially with someone who his father has chosen.

"I... I'm so sorry, Jumin." You try to soothe his pain with words, but you know it will never help.

"I have been avoiding it since then, but this year..." Jumin takes a long gulp from his wine. "He really surprised me."

And that's when you remember... You saw all those women surrounding him that day. "Oh, now I remember. So they were your... fiancée choices." He nods, avoiding your eyes, but once you say the next words, his gaze meets yours. "That's why those people were asking about my family background as well."

"I am terribly sorry about it, MC! I was not expecting to see you there. I would have met you away from them if I--"

"It's okay." You give him a smile. "It's not your fault."

"It was. I should have known. When you sent me that text earlier this morning, I thought they had..." He clears his throat and looks away. _Oh, that's why he called me. It must have something to do with those photographers..._ "But anyway, you are right. They were supposedly my choices. Except my father and one of his clients made a deal behind my back. They wanted me to choose this man's daughter so he would sign a deal with us."

"That's horrible! They practically sold the poor girl!" You almost shout at him.

Jumin nods. "I agree."

"What did you do?"

"I refused, of course." Jumin's brows furrows. "But they did not accept it that easily. Which brings us to the present."

"Oh no..." You fear his next words. "And what did they do?"

"For a few days, the media has been following me, day and night. The amount of reporters you met outside is probably one quarter of the number standing in front of my house." _Oh my God..._ "I did not want to put you in danger, nor embarrass you. That is why I decided to meet you in a public place."

"I understand, but... why are they after you?"

Jumin takes another sip of his drink before answering you. "Because this past weekend, I finally notified my father... that I have chosen my wife. And it's not that girl."

"Oh." You are a bit speechless at this. _So he wants to marry after all?_ "But what does it have to do with all the paparazzi?"

"They are trying to find out who I chose." Jumin puts down his glass and starts fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve. "But I only told him I have chosen a wife. That was the only information I gave him, nothing more. I believe either my father or that client asked the media to find out about this... woman."

_Oh, I see!_ "There is no one, right?" You say proudly, guessing his plan. Jumin looks at you surprised. "So that is what all the gossip articles have been about ever since... a ghost person!"

He keeps staring at you, dumbfounded by your words. For a moment, you wonder if you just said something completely wrong, because Jumin just won't say anything. So you try and fix it with an apology, but then he moves his eyes away from yours and shows his serious face. _Oh shit. I really was wrong._

"Jumin, I am--"

"You are right again." He lifts one corner of his mouth in a smile and your worries evaporate. "And although there is no one, they are paying close attention to whoever enters or leaves my house, and whoever I meet up with, wherever I go." He points to the hat hanging with your coat on the wall. "This is why I'm trying to protect your identity." _So it was him who asked Jaehee to buy these clothes then?_

"I... I really am sorry." You are once again embarrassed by his care for you. "And thank you... thank you for meeting me during a bad time, and... protecting me. As always."

"You don't ever need to thank me." He smiles happily at you, but you wish you could really thank him properly. "It seems we should end our evening. It's almost ten." He says, looking at his watch.

"No way! This late?" You take your phone and he's right. It's already been three hours since you arrived... As always, your time with him passes too fast.

"I'll leave first. I believe those photographers will follow me if they see me going home." He stands up to take both your coats, helping you to wear yours. "Wait ten more minutes, and just to be sure..." He takes your hat and carefully places it on your head. "Don't take it off until you're outside and see Driver Kim's car." You nod and he walks to the door.

_This isn't fair... he does so much for me, and all I do is bring him more trouble. Maybe now that we are actual friends again, I can find a way to help._

"Jumin!" You call him just before he's out of the door. He turns around to look at you. "You... you be careful!"

He smiles and you don't know how he can do it while you're worrying sick about him. "Hm. You too." You nod again and he leaves.

Like he predicted, you couldn't see anyone when you walked outside the restaurant, but you could easily be mistaken. You knew those people could hide themselves and take pictures from a long distance. So you did as he said and, as much as your outfit allowed, ran to the car where Driver Kim awaited you.

But on your way back to Jaehee, you still worried about this. You trusted Jumin when he said the supposed "fiancée" he chose was only a escape goat. _But something doesn't add... when I arrived, they said something about the description... so they must believe Jumin chose someone who looks like me. Or..._ You take off your hat, feeling too suffocated under the black veil. _Or maybe they believe I'm his choice because we merely talked during his birthday party._

You reach for your phone to look if there are news about it, but as you type Jumin's name on the search bar, you stop.

_Jaehee wouldn't want me to see these awful words that she tried so hard to delete. I trust this will pass..._

Jaehee greets you way too enthusiastically for someone who sent you on a dangerous mission, but still, you could never blame her. You just tell her how surprised you were about this whole situation and how, thankfully, it ended well. You also tell her how sad and sorry you feel about her extra work, but, as always, she says it's nothing, as long as you are okay. _She's way too good for me... even though she's also--_

"Uh... Jaehee. I have a question for you." You squeeze your eyes, as if challenging her.

"Feel free to--"

"Who really bought these clothes? Was it really you?"

"Oh, I..." She looks away, avoiding your face. "I... I did."

"Jaehee! Look at me and say it to my face!"

"Well, I..." She sighs. "Mister Han asked me to buy some disguise for you. I got this hat and... I could not let you wear this without the complete outfit, so I chose this dress and coat and the..." She looks at you with her puppy eyes. "I'm sorry, MC. I know you don't like this kind of thing, but I could not stop myself from wanting to give you a gift. I mean it!" She holds your hand and you melt with her words.

"It's alright, Jaehee." You try to smile at her and she nods. "I know you mean well. I'm sorry, it's just... tonight was not a good night, I..." You take in a large amount of air, but you feel it's not enough to clear your thoughts.

"It was not? But you said it went well, I don't understand..."

You chuckle at your own misery. "Life is well until it's not, I guess..." You look at her, who frowns, but doesn't interrupt you. "It was Saeyoung, again... Jumin told me about the second letter he sent to him. And I... I see now why you wanted me to go back to Jumin when I left his house."

She widens her eyes and tries to explains herself. "No, I... I never wanted to influence your decision in any way, MC. I just think he--"

"I know." You squeeze her hand with both yours. "I know that. You and him... are my good friends. I know you'll never harm me." She nods and you hug her. "I trust you."

"Thank you. I promise to never disappoint you."

"Thanks." You pull away, grateful once again for her friendship. "I think I should really go now... it's getting very late and I don't want to keep you awake when you have the chance to sleep earlier."

"Oh..." She turns to the clock on the wall. "You're right, it's late."

"I'll call Saeran--"

"You can sleep here if you want." She says at the same time as you, surprising you with her offer. "I can... I can ask Driver Kim to send you home tomorrow."

_Oh... I don't think Saeran will like that. It will probably just add to his possible doubts about where I've been..._

You smile at her and politely refuses. "Maybe some other day?" _Also... I'm sure he is waiting for me somewhere nearby again._

"Alright..." She nods. "As I said, you can keep these clothes since it's my gift to you, I'll take the ones you were wearing for you."

"Okay... but you can keep the hat. I don't think I'll ever want to wear that again."

"I'm sorry about that... I should have told you befor--"

"It's alright, Jaehee. I'm safe... and it's over now. I just hope it'll be over for you guys soon too." She smiles at your generosity and leaves you to call Saeran.

After the fourth or fifth beep, he picks up. And for a couple of seconds, neither of you say anything. It's like you completely forgot what you were supposed to be doing once he accepted your call.

"Uh... Hello? MC?" He finally speaks. And you notice you are still a bit uncomfortable to go back to him and... lie about who you were with this evening.

But it's late at night, so you don't want to trouble Jaehee when she barely has the time to rest properly. And it's also too late now, you have missed your chance to avoid this mess of a choice. _It seems I always put myself in the most complicated situations over and over... Now I have to face it._

"Hi... Saeran. Can you... Can you come and get me?" You know you tried as best as you could, but you still speak stumbling on your words.

"Of course. I'll be there in five minutes."

"Five??" You almost shout this time.

"Probably less. I'm... uh... close." He answers calmly, but you have a tornado of fears in your head.

_Oh God... did he see me going out with Driver Kim?? Did he follow us? Did he know it was me even under that hat? Oh God. He found out I was with Jumin, didn't he? He really did--_

"I'm almost there, see you." His voice calls your attention, which is a good thing, because you almost feel yourself having a panic attack.

"O-Okay." You quickly finish the call and takes a deep breath.

_He can't. He couldn't have... there was only us in that room... he wouldn't kno--_

"Here are the clothes you were wearing." Jaehee comes back and you open your eyes to see her holding a paper bag. "Oh dear, are you okay?"

You nod and try controlling your breathing. You're not really sure you accomplished it, but you stand up and walk towards the door. "A-anyway, I have to go. Thank you... again. For everything, Jaehee."

"It's... it was nothing, but he's already here? Don't you want me to--" You launch your arms around her, stopping her from questioning you further.

"I'm alright." You say, then take the bag from her hands. "Let's meet again soon, okay?" She nods, while you can perfectly see the concerns on her face that say 'no, please don't go'.

But you don't say anything to calm her down. _She isn't wrong in worrying about me... I probably don't look very well right now_. You just turn around, leaving her behind to face the one responsible for your behaviour.

Hesitating, you open the cold door and take your place, sitting next to him. Immediately, you can feel the surprise look on his face when the car's interior lights illuminate you.

"Uh... these are... It was a gift from Jaehee." You say before he makes any questions.

"A gift?" He asks with one of his brows lifted. "Then why are you wearing them already?"

"Because I... uh..." _Shit, I should have thought about it._ "I wanted... to try them on." He keeps eyeing you, and you look away. "Jaehee said I was very pretty on them, so... I just kept them on."

He checks you up and down, then scoffs, making you look at him, nervously surprised about his reaction. "Is that so?" _Oh God, he really knows I'm lyin--_ "But you are always pretty, MC... You don't need new clothes for that."

You're not sure if it were his sweet words, or the way he said them, with a ridiculously flirting smile and a sensual voice, or if it was just the romantic atmosphere of this conversation, inside a car, late at night, with his face so close to yours... But you were speechless, staring at him, as if waiting for the perfect--

"Come on..." He turns his body forward and start the engine. "Let's go home, my love."

As he says these last two words, you feel yourself free from his spell, and turn your head to the other side. _Oh no... not again! He still thinks I only see him as the substitute of his brother and I... How can I still expect him to kiss me... to want me??_

You slowly close your eyes and lean your head on your seat. _How can I still want these things? I just found out about what a horrible person Saeyoung has turned into and I still want... I still want..._

Not even yourself knows what you truly want anymore. You are truly happy to have Jumin back as your friend... but at the same time, this evening was also traumatic for you because of that letter, so you don't feel your happiness are very palpable. On top of that all, you thought your lies and your new feelings for Saeyoung would only make the distance between you and Saeran grow, but instead...

_There's nothing I can do about it. We are going our own separate ways, and I shouldn't be expecting things from him that I don't deserve..._

You pretend to sleep for the rest of the drive home, as to avoid any questions from Saeran and any other interaction between you. And you try to sleep as soon as you get home, as to not think about anything he makes you feel. You know you won't be able to ignore your feelings for much longer, especially because when you look at him, you think about your new acquired hatred towards Saeyoung.

But the thing is... Although you're reminded of it, you no longer see him as Saeyoung, that is not the reason why you think about it.

_So why is it that I still can't let go of him?_

\--

The days passed, and every day you woke up with him sleeping soundly by your side... Each one of those days you tried to ignore your dinner with Jumin, trying to focus on your present moment. Saeran still had not showed any signs of having discovered about your lie, so you did your best to keep it away from him, ignoring it completely as soon as you left your bed every morning.

Until the day Saeran wakes up before you, allowing you some alone time with your own thoughts.

Before, as you tried to forget Saeyoung, you also tried to bury your feelings for Saeran as well. It was hard. After all, you unwillingly had to let go of your dear husband. The one man you would live and die for.

Now, since you found out the horrible person he's turned into, you no longer dare to nurture those feelings. It hurts to admit, but only a few weeks after leaving you, he was neither the lovely Saeyoung you married, nor the funny Seven you fell in love with in the chatrooms. He was already the cruel and cold agent 707 you had to face during those first days at Rika's apartment.

When you married, you thought he would never be able to go back to that persona... _Guess I meant nothing to him. Guess all we've been through meant nothing to him._ But you can't change it now. It was his decision to leave, and now you have to live with it.

And the result of this would be simple. As your hatred for Saeyoung would grow, your feelings for Saeran would start to wither too. Or so you believed...

Ever since you left Jaehee that night, and for the past days, it became harder and harder to even look at him without thinking about your wish to keep him by your side. Despite everything you've been through, you still can't let go of him. And the worst part is... you know it will probably get only worse from now on.

All the small things Saeran does for you make you feel so loved that you feel like you are actually happy by his side... During breakfast, staying lazily on the sofa, when you play cards or board games... even the silly talk you have before sleeping. For once, there is no Saeyoung between you two, only you and Saeran, having fun together.

_The days go by, and my fake happiness grow into a real one... until it eventually ends._ You know should not feel sad about this. You know you're only doing what you should. You're showing your happiness so he can be free. _Once he sees I'm happy, he will go and live his own life, while I... I will live mine._

_And it's all right, because this time, I won't be alone..._ you accept with a smile. You have all your friends back. And finally, after years suffering with it, you got rid of the void in your chest.

_Saeyoung will never control me again... he can't tell me what to feel. He can't tell me where to be. I am finally free to choose happiness._

\--

_I have left Saeran for some time already, and now I have my friends to spend my time with._

_I send a message to Zen, but he's too busy working and meeting his fans. I don't blame him, he became an international sensation a few months ago._

_I call Jaehee, but she can't talk right now. Actually, ever since she's been promoted, I haven't had the chance to even meet her... I bet she's even more important now._

_Yoosung is currently working abroad, so he's probably sleeping now, and won't see my message until a few hours later..._

_And Jumin... He married a important business woman, and she won't allow him to have girl friends. I miss him, but I still wish him a happy marriage life with his... wife. So that leaves me with..._

_Oh. I've run out of friends._

_No. It can't be! They said they would be my friends! They said they would stay beside me! I can't be alone! No--_

You wake up with a jolt and a sore neck. The first thing you see is Saeran's worried eyes on you.

"I didn't know you were having a nightmare until a few seconds ago, I am sorry! I should have stopped the car earlier, I am--"

You shake your head and smile. "I'm okay. It was just a bad dream." Saeran frowns.

"We're almost there, but we can still go back if you don't feel--"

"No! I-I'm really fine." The idea of cancelling your therapy appointment terrifies you more than going back home calms you. "Thank you for worrying about me."

Saeran nods and resumes his driving.

The sensations from your nightmare are still vivid in your mind... _I wonder if it will be like that._ You know you can't bound your friends forever by your side. _So that will happen if I leave Saeran... I will eventually be alone, won't I?_

_No! It can't be! Jaehee and Jumin promised me! They said--_ But you know, as your life has proved many times, that nothing lasts forever.

The first subject you talk with Dr. Go Sojin is, certainly, your dinner with Jumin. She says she's very proud of you, facing your memories right after leaving her office, while you say how right she was about addressing Saeyoung as your "ex-husband".

"It's not a matter of being right or wrong," she says, "but being able to accept the present circumstances of our life." And once again, you had to agree with her.

Of course, just like previous times, you had to omit several parts of your talk, since she has no idea about Saeyoung's and Jumin's actual identities. Even so, she manages to give you several good advices about accepting your own position in the middle of their lives.

"You have to make your choices, for yourself, always. Remember that."

"Yes, I will." _More than ever, that's what I want now._

"You once said you wanted to recover because that's what people wanted from you... Is it still what you want?"

"Well..." She crosses her hands on the table waiting for your answer. "I think not. I mean, I still want to feel better, and have a better life, but... not because of somebody else." _Although my happiness still depends on someone..._

She smiles and nods. "I'm happy to hear that."

"But what if I..." You speak without even thinking and bite your lips, regretting a little too late.

"What if...?"

You clench your fists and say it at once. "What if I can't have a better life because I'm left alone?"

"Left alone?" She frowns, but you don't explain yourself, so she starts guessing. "Has Searan told you something you did not like?" You shake your head. "Your friends?" You stay still. "Jumin?" You shake your head again. "Jaehee?" You do the same. "Zen?" Another shake. "Then it must be Yoosung." You deny again.

Only now you noticed Dr. Go Sojin has not picked up her notebook, so everything she mentioned up until now about you, including your friends names, was all from memory. You think it is amazing that she can remember all of it, but you know she won't understand what you mean unless you say it. You try to explain your inner turmoil, but without mentioning your plans about Saeran.

"I just worry that... One day, they would just be gone. And I... I will be alone." You lower your gaze, now feeling a bit silly after voicing it.

"And why do you think they would do it, MC?"

"Because... Saeyoung did it, why wouldn't they?"

"MC... are all people one and the same?"

"No, of course--" _Oh..._

"They won't necessarily follow the same steps another person did. If you don't trust them, even if they are your friends, then..." She leans back on her chair. "It's up to you to keep being friends with them. But we must never expect a certain treatment just because it was the one that marked us the most."

You know she is right, and it is also unfair to expect your friends to act the same way Saeyoung did. You know they deserve more credit after all they sacrificed for your sake.

"And do you remember what I said about communication?" She says and you widen your eyes.

"Uh... yes... communication is very important." You answer hesitantly.

"Exactly!" She excitedly confirms you're right. "If you want to keep a healthy and long-lasting friendship, you just need to talk with your friends if you face any problems."

You smile awkwardly at her, accepting her words, but knowing fully well you don't follow them. "Yes... I'll remember that."


	17. Regretting or Choosing The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say the flashbacks were over? oops

You feel a little more relieved after talking with your therapist. That nightmare made you wake up so afraid to lose the friendships you just got back, that you were not thinking very rationally about the situation, so her words definitely put the worries in your mind to rest. But of course... it did not solve all your problems. Once again she mentioned the value of communication, and you left her office worrying about your situation with Saeran. _It seems I'll never be free from worries, will I?_

 _But... I guess this time it's all my fault. I just need to tell him and it will all be solved. Tell him that... I lied to him. Tell him I'm planning to end our agreements. But after all this time, how can I?_ You smile sadly remembering that night from around a year ago.

_If having sex with Saeran was my biggest mistake after I accepted his proposition to move back into the bunker, that night, I certainly made the one mistake responsible for leading us to our current relationship. Well... at least until I decided to put an end to our intimate contact and turned it into something I don't know what it is anymore. Friends? Still a couple, but without the sex? What kind of life are we even having now?_

You slowly turn your eyes to him and frown. _It was so easy in the beginning... it was a secret only between us. We would be a fake couple as long as no one else was around. Now, everyone else knows, but we no longer act like a couple. Not even when we are alone... They still think we are together. Saeran still thinks we're together. But... what are we? We don't do so much of what we used to... but at the same time, we..._

Saeran glances at you very briefly, as the road demands his attention, then reaches for your hand and intertwines his fingers in yours. You want to take your hand away, but then you see a faint smile on his face. _At the same time, we still long for each other... Without being so sure of what we want... Are you still the same person who told me I could count on you that day? Can I really trust you?_

Back then, Saeran knew already you were having sex with him because you saw him as Saeyoung. He knew it ever since the first time. But apart from these moments, you were fully aware he was Saeran, not his brother, the twin you truly wanted to be with.

_He was just Saeran, until that day..._ Or so you believed.

It was a normal evening for the two of you. You were doing the dishes together after dinner. Saeran cooked the meal all by himself, so you insisted to do the dishes on your own, but he said he had nothing better to do, and accepting his help was your first wrong choice. You were casually chatting while finishing your task, and something about that domestic moment made you accidentally say something you shouldn't.

_"I can do the rest of the work. Thanks for helping, my love." As soon as these words left my mouth, I turned my face away from Saeran's. I had called him Saeyoung many times during sex. But never a pet name, and never during a 'sober' moment. "I-I'm sorry, it wasn't--"_

_He walked closer to me, too close really, but did not touch me. "It's okay", he said in a low voice, "you don't need to worry about it. And you will never need to suffer again. Whoever hurt you... should suffer tenfold--"_

_"I appreciate your words, Saeran..." I interrupted his discourse, completely unrelated to what I was embarrassed about. I knew what he meant by it, though. And the last thing I wanted was the same as him. "And you don't need to look for revenge because of me."_

_"Then what can I do for you?" He whispered in my ear, and touched my hand. I closed my eyes enjoying the sensation of his company..._

_Without realizing, the words came out of my mouth on their own. "Can you... call me that too?"_

_He didn't say anything for a while. When I opened my eyes, he looked at me as if I just asked him to commit a felony. But it was worse than that. I had just asked him to become someone else. It was only natural for him to react that way. I instantly regretted it._

_"You... you don't have to. Forget it--" But it was too late._

_"Yes, my love." He said as he pulled me closer and caressed my face. "I will do anything for you, my love." He then kissed my lips, fervently as always._

_I knew it was not Saeyoung who was with me that day, but hearing those words again, after so many years, I could not contain my happiness. I kissed him back with the same passion. Too soon, our kiss turned into something more. Saeran carried me to my bed with my legs around his waist. Half our clothes were left on the kitchen's floor. And that included his shirt._

_Stupid me... It was not enough to have him touch me as Saeyoung did, in the same bed we slept and made love as a married couple. And it was not enough to scream Saeyoung's name and hear him calling me the way Saeyoung called me while we did it... I wanted more. I wanted to... truly erase the differences between them._

_I stopped Saeran in the middle of our... act and asked if he would not mind if I turned the lights off. He did not seem to like it at first. He said he wanted to see me when... he did not finish his sentence, but I knew perfectly well what he meant. I got all shy and covered my face. Or perhaps a better word for it would be ashamed. I was once again starting to regret my choices._

_But then he did it. He turned off the lights and the way he touched me after it... it was impossible not to surrender entirely to him. It was like he knew exactly how to lit up the fire inside me, to give me the exact amount of pleasure I was looking for._

_From then on, we always did it with the lights off. And strangely, it was like every time we did it, he got better at it. Even in the dark, Saeran knew exactly where to touch me. I have this theory that it was probably because I could really create the fantasy that I was with Saeyoung, but undoubtedly... I know I started to have the best orgasms of my life only after that night._

_And after it was over, Saeran started to pick up his clothes to go back to his room. I stopped him, grabbing his wrist._

_"Stay." I said. The light was back on, and he smiled at me, accepting my invitation. That was when he started sleeping in the bed meant for his brother._

_Calling each other 'my love', having sex with the lights off, sleeping in the same bed... Those were our agreements. It was the beginning of our couple's life, even if it meant we were not really in love. I thought that marked the beginning of my happy time with him. But I was not happy. It was an illusion. I only fooled myself into believing that it was the life I wanted... A life full of lies._

You look down to your hands, still joined together. _Am I happy now that I don't want it anymore?_ You do know that you still feel good living with him, and you wonder if you're really free from the situation you've put yourself in or if it's because you now want something else... _Maybe I just want Saeran beside me because I can't really let go of Saeyoung... Or maybe I'm just too used to his company._

_Either way, I need to end this soon._ You slowly let go of his hand, avoiding his eyes, to lean on the window, and pretend to take a nap. _It's only fair for myself and... even more so for Saeran._

\--

The next evening, you received a text from Yoosung, announcing his visit to the city. He said he will arrive the following day, when he will be visiting his family, and leave on Saturday morning. And he wants to enjoy the rest of his time with you and the rest of your friends.

When you told Saeran about it, he said you should go visit him, meaning "You go, I won't". You assumed that would be the case after the last time they met... You wanted to ask him what really happened, but you didn't want to spoil the good mood he seemed to be in.

Jaehee invited Yoosung to see Zen's musical Sunday night, as he missed the opening with all of you and she regularly watched it every Sunday... _I wonder how can Jaehee afford the emotional distress from those scenes every week._ The meeting with everyone was scheduled for Monday, since it is a day off for both Jaehee and Zen, and it was decided to be hosted at Jumin's penthouse, because "it's the most appropriate in size and comfort", as Jumin noted.

The media was not camping outside his house anymore, so you were actually glad when Jumin offered his house. You almost called Jaehee to know more about this case, but you didn't want to disturb her work and neither bring her bad memories about it. But on the other hand, you had to tell Saeran you'd be going to Jumin's, and it quickly turned your relief into worry. Of course he was not very happy when you told him... You could see it on his face, but he eventually accepted it.

"Fine..." He said with his mouth slighted contorted, then hugged you. "I trust you."

_You shouldn't... I've been lying and hiding things from you. You should not trust me, Saeran._

\--

"Are you sure you don't want to come? They also invited you. You are also part of our group, you know?" You decide to ask him right before opening the door's car.

He only nods, with a serious face. When you open your mouth to try and say something to convince him again, he smiles and tells you something that both calms you down and makes you a bit nervous. "I promise I will go with you next time."

_Will we still be together next time?_

You turn to the door again, but he stops you, holding your arm.

"Don't forget to call me when you want to go home. I'll be... nearby again." You almost frown, but then you remember the past times you've been outside. _Of course he will be close..._

You place your hand over his and nod. "Okay. I will." _Is he afraid I'll decide I won't go back with him? Is that why he's staying close?_ He smiles and as soon as he lets you go, you leave to enter Jumin's tall building...

It's been over a year since you last been here and a couple of months since you've been around all your friends in this sort of gathering. So much has changed since then. They all know you have a... complicated relationship with Saeran now, so you don't need to hide about it anymore. _Not that I want to talk about it either..._ And of course, you're back with being friends with Jumin, which is the most important thing for you and for the group. Still, you feel a bit out of place when you reach his door. _Will it be weird? Do I still know how to behave around all of them? Will they think I'm different? Am I different??_

You see everyone is already present when Jaehee opens the door for you. She almost needs to drags you inside, as you feel your feet stuck on the ground. Everyone greets you at the same time, but Yoosung's greet is the most enthusiastic, as you haven't seen each other in a long time. You sit next to him on the couch and he seems to continue to tell a story about one soldier, a friend he made in the camp, apparently.

At first, you really feel out of place. But slowly, with your friends' help, you feel more at ease to talk and express your emotions as the conversation goes on. Zen talks about his cast mates too, and you're fascinated to hear about the backstage gossips from the show you watched a few weeks ago. By this time, you feel like nothing has changed, and that you were meant to be friends with them.

But as everything in your life, this reunion is going all right, until... it's not.

"Oh, I was almost forgetting! Come closer, guys!" Yoosung shouts and everyone does as he says. "Tomorrow is Rika's birthday, and she sent me this! Look, guys!"

Your heart stopped at the sound of her name, but you could not pretend to ignore everyone else's excitement upon the same news. You are already sitting next to Yoosung, you smile a bit at him and look down to his phone on his hands, faking your interest to whatever it is that he's about to show.

The screen is dark, but once he touches it, it starts playing a video. _Oh God..._ Rika is sitting in a chair, wearing a white gown. _She looks healthier... and her yellow hair is still as pretty as ever_. She starts talking about her daily life in the clinic she's been staying, and you can't believe it's the same person you met. _She sounds much more... normal than the last time I saw her._

"But enough about me..." Rika says, with her usual soothing voice. "I know I cannot get news from you, but I hope you know that I think about each and every member of our group every day. "Yoosung, my dear cousin." She smiles at the camera. "Have you finished your studies? Are you already the best veterinarian as you once promised me?"

You hear Yoosung sniffling and shedding a tear. You did not meet Rika prior to her Mint Eye's period, so for you, Rika is only the crazy woman who created that awful cult behind her friends' back. Yet, you do remember in your very early days of your RFA membership, Yoosung was a devout... believer that Rika was this innocent saint who would never do something bad. _He probably still thinks she is..._

"Zen, have you become the most famous musical actor as you deserve? I'm sure you have..." You frown at her words, hoping no one is paying attention at you. "Jumin... How is your relationship with your family and job? I hope you're happy with both of them, my dear friend..."

You tried to look at Jumin, who was standing right behind you, but thought it would be too much for you to handle... _Does Rika have any idea what we went through because of her? Jumin is lacking a best friend because of what she did! How can she hope he's happy??_

"I can't wait to see you Jaehee! I miss watching Zen's musical together again! I really miss our time--" You stop paying attention at the video to look at Jaehee, and she is staring at Yoosung's phone with a sad smile. _Does she also miss Rika?_

When you return your eyes and ears to Rika, you realize too late that you should have prepared yourself more for what she was about to say. You don't know why you thought she would skip them...

"Saeyoung... and Saeran." She looks down to her legs and smiles. "I... I hope you are both living healthy, and happily... and together--" Yoosung instantly pauses the video, and everyone's eyes are on you.

You clench your fists, your breath is stuck in your throat and you can't seem to move, staring at where Yoosung's hands once were.

"Is it... is it fine if I continue, MC?" He says, as if you don't look bad enough.

"This isn't appropriate." Jumin answers for you. And his harsh voice makes you snap out of your shock. You don't want to spoil Yoosung's moment, so you try to stabilize your breathing to answer him.

"Uh... Of-of course you can!" You say, as you stand up. "I... I just need to use the restroom very quickly. But you can... you guys should just continue watching it, don't mind me!" You give him the best smile you can put on for now and walks to the bathroom, a bit too fast.

You lock yourself in there and sprinkle some water on your face... You never thought you'd be this shaken because of Rika's words again. _Everything she did to them, to us... How can it be fine to keep listening to her? Don't they know how those boys suffered because of her? If only she did as she was supposed to... If she had treated them as kids, not as weapons, then Saeyoung wouldn't have become a hacker and we--_

You sigh loudly. _I can't blame her. And I can't blame the other members either... They were her friends before they became mine. I can't just ask her to disappear from the RFA. She's the founder of this group, after all. She will never--_

You hear a knock on the door. "MC, do you... do you need something?" _Jaehee._

You want to refuse her help, but you know it's only going to make it worse. So all you can do for now is to try and shake these thoughts away and go back there.

"Are you okay, MC?" She asks as soon as you open the door.

"I'm alright. Thanks for worrying, Jaehee." You lie to her with a smile.

When you come back to the living, everyone stares at you, making you wish you hadn't left.

"I... I'm sorry, MC. I didn't know she would--" Yoosung apologizes, and you just shake your head.

Jaehee leads you to the sofa again, where just the two of you sit. The boys are standing in different places of the living room, and you know you just ruined the evening... _If I had remembered it is her birthday tomorrow, would I still have come?_

_Wait... Is this... is this why Saeran didn't want to come? Then why didn't he tell me? Did he think I was... I was fine with it?_

Silence hangs on for a minute, until Zen makes a sound, clearing his throat, to say "I brought some soju with me, where is it?"

"I put them over the kitchen top." Jaehee answers him. As Zen turns around to take them, she leaves your side. "Let me help you."

Yoosung comes and sit next to you again. "I really am sorry, MC. I forgot to check the whole video. If I knew she was going to mention..." He looks away and sighs.

"It's really all right, Yoosung... I know you didn't do it on purpose."

"Here are the drinks!!" Zen announces his comes back, and you both turn to him, with Jaehee on his right side.

He offers you one bottle, and you hold your hands tightly together on your lap. "Thanks, I... I stopped drinking, Zen."

"Oh... but just tonight, take one." You hesitate, but unclasp your hands then slowly lift one arm to take the bottle from Zen's hand. 

You don't have the chance to do it. Suddenly, and silently, Jumin appears next to Zen and places his hand between yours and Zen's.

"She said she does not drink anymore. Don't force her." He says looking directly into Zen's eyes.

"What the--" Zen looks at Jumin's hand and then at his face. "Who do you think you are, Han Jumin? Let her take it if she wants it!"

Jumin pulls his arm back and lets you decide. You stand up from the sofa, knowing very well Zen is not going to like your choice. "It-It's okay, Zen. I really shouldn't--"

"Listen up, you jerk!" Zen points to Jumin's face, while still holding the bottle on his hand. "You don't get to make decisions for her, do you hear me?"

"I am not." Jumin answers without even blinking. "I am simply stating--"

"You are not?? You just physically prohibited her to do what she wanted!" Zen shouts and points to his hands.

"Zen, just let it--" Jaehee tries to calm him down, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"No! I can't let it go, Jaehee!" He turns to her and takes a deep breath. "He is acting like he is her owner, but he is not! He's not even her guardian anymore! She left him, remember? If Saeran was here, he would let her do whatever she likes!"

You frown at the mention of Saeran's name. _Please, let's not talk about--_

"Would he?" Yoosung, who's been quietly watching it from the sofa, asks this weird question.

"Of course he would, he--" Zen defends Saeran.

"Don't be so sure. He may look fine to you, but I know. I know he's not that inno--" Yoosung interrupts Zen, but then gives up on finishing his own sentence.

"What? What do you mean, Yoosung?" Zen walks to him, demanding an explanation.

"Forget it, I... We shouldn't talk about this."

"Hey! No way you're going to say something like that and leave it!" Zen sits next to him and pulls him by his arm. "Come on, man! Just spill it!"

"It..." Yoosung looks up to your face. "It concerns MC, so I don't think I should..." You widen your eyes. _Me? What could possibly concern me?_ But then you quickly remember of what he's probably talking about.

"Yes, Zen." Jaehee gets closer to you, taking the spot Zen previously occupied. "Let's just talk about something else..."

"No." You say, sitting on Yoosung's other side. "I... I want to hear it." _I'm not sure when or if I'll ever get the chance to hear about it from Yoosung again, I need to know._ "Please... just tell me what happened."

"Are you sure?" Yoosung asks and you answer him with a nod. He sighs, then looks around. You do the same as him, and notice everyone is once again paying close attention on him. "Well, it... it happened the last time I visited you. You must know what I mean..."

_I was right._ You brace yourself for what you're about to discover, while also feeling a bit guilty for hearing it from Yoosung first. "Why did you not tell me about it before?"

"It was not on purpose, I promise!" He shakes his hands in front of him. "I didn't want to tell you about this before because..." He makes a painful face, and if this story were not about you, you would actually try to comfort him. "I'm sorry, I... I just tried my best to get you away from him. I was selfish and didn't explain the whole story, I--"

"It's okay, Yoosung." _We are not getting anywhere if he just keeps apologizing._ "Just tell me what happened before I... before I found him..." You take a handful of your skirt's cloth and clench your fists around it, trying to master some courage to take those words out of your lungs. You close your eyes and say them a bit lower. "Before he hurt you."

He nods, and just as he opens his mouth, Zen intervenes once again.

"Wait a minute. Did he... Saeran hurt you?" He glares into Yoosung's eyes, and then he moves to yours. You just look away, not bearing to answer it. "When?? And how did it--"

"He... I-I will get there, Zen. Be patient." He takes a deep breath and turns his body to you. "You do know I went there to see you, right?" He doesn't wait for your response and exposes your secret. "But before I could even check with my own eyes if you were okay, I heard you on the phone... and you were crying, MC!" 

_But is it even a secret?_ By the way Zen reacted, it is probably the first time he's hearing about this. But when you look to Jaehee and Jumin, who's standing right beside you, they don't seem to be very surprised by this story. Instead, they just look... _worri--_

"...worried!" Yoosung's voice finishes the word at the same time as you. And you stop yourself from letting your mind wander again. "I wanted to run to you! But when I arrived, you... You pretended to be well in front of me. I... I couldn't force you to tell me anything you didn't want."

You feel so bad hearing his words, as if the sensations from that time come back to your body all at once as he mentioned your meeting. You don't look at him, and you don't refute him. You know he is right, and you were really not fine at all on that particular day.

"So of course I had to ask the only other person who saw you that day." _Oh no..._ "Saeran said you were fine. But I knew it could not be true. You were crying! I was sure of that! I even told him about our call, but he said... He said you were always crying, and I did not need to worry." _What? That's... that's impossible, Saeran wouldn't..._

"Huh? Yoosung, are you not making that up?" It's as if Zen just read your mind.

"I swear! He really said that! We were alone, and I... I can't really prove it, but I will never forget it!" He looks to all of us, trying to convince us. "And of course I told him that couldn't be true, that there must be a reason for your crying. And do you know what he said?" You shake your head. "He said, if there were to be one reason, then..." Yoosung looks down to the floor and closes his mouth in a fine line.

"Dude, just say it! Stop it with the suspense!" You look at Zen and he's really excited to get to the end of it.

"He said... he said it was because of his brother." _Of course._ "I'm sorry, MC! I didn't want to talk about--"

_So Saeran hurt Yoosung because they were talking about Saeyoung? Is that it? I should have known. Saeyoung will always be present in my life, won't he? He will always turn it into a nightmare even if he is no longer here... God, when will this hell be over--_

"Are you certain you still want to listen to this?" Jumin's voice reaches you through your sudden desperation, as he is now in front of you. "In my opinion, we already heard enough."

"I-I'm sorry, but she--" Yoosung tries an apology once more, but you stop him.

"Please, continue..." _I need to be sure._ You turn to Jumin and give him a nod. A nod you gave him so many times before when you wanted to reassure him of your well-being.

"Okay, then... when he said that, I thought he was right, but then again, you would have told me if it was... if that was the case. But instead, you said it was a movie." You nod, remembering perfectly well of your lie and the reason of your sadness. _The other twin_. "So I realized... it was because of him. You were crying because of Saeran himself!" _Shit._ "That was the only possible explanation! You were both hiding it from me, so that was obvious!"

_Obvious?_ "No, I--"

"Who else could it be? One of us? Jumin? You were barely seeing us back then, MC. So don't... Don't deny it, okay?" _Can't I really find another excuse--_ "I confronted him about it, so I know--"

"What?" You ask a bit too laud.

"When I noticed the reason for your crying was him, I asked him about it. And he said it was impossible, can you believe it? He said..." Yoosung hesitates and you wonder if it's because it will hurt you or-- "He said you've been happier than ever since you started living together." _Oh, Saeran..._ "So I told him there was no way that you could be happy when you were crying because of him! He didn't answer me, so I just decided to leave the room and talk to you myself. I knew you probably would not tell me anything different from earlier, but I had to try..."

"But... you never asked me--" _Oh..._

Yoosung nods. "The next thing I knew, I was being pinned on the sofa's cushions."

"What? Are you serious?" Zen pulls Yoosung's arms towards him. "You are in military training for more than a year already, and you're telling me you lost... to Saeran??" _Oh, Zenny... if you knew what kind of treatment Unknown went through to become the perfect soldier for Rika..._

"I-I know, but I told you! He really is not that innocent, he must have learned something--"

"Yoosung." You call him before he makes some crazy theories, completely disregarding the possibility that his own cousin is behind it. "But I don't understand... why would Saeran do it? Did you say anything to upset him?"

"Me?? Of course not! I just said I would talk to you and suddenly he was over me." _That's strange, I don't see why he--_ "And then, right before you appeared, he told me that no one could ever take you from him."

_What?? Is that really what happened? Then it means... No. It can't be... But why would Yoosung lie? Then... if this must be the truth, Saeran really doesn't want me to leave... Can I believe it?_ This is the truth you want to cling to, but Saeran is not here to defend himself from these accusations.

Yoosung calls your name. "Sorry, I... I know it's a lot to take in, but... I want to know if you really are happy beside him."

_Oh... that's... not what I was expecting._ You hesitate to answer, because ever since that last time you met Yoosung, so many things have happened. You've made so many decisions ever since then. Some of them have changed your life completely. And some of the things that happened to you were just like this question of his... unexpected. But you savored every tear and laugh, all the sad and joyful moments... all of them have brought you to your current situation. The current life you experience with Saeran, where everyday beside him is as good as a spring morning... _But sadly, every spring must have an end._

"Of... of course I am happy, Yoosung."

He narrows his eyes at your answer, and you regret thinking about your separation from Saeran before smiling. "Okay... anyway, MC. Now you know why I tried to take you with me that day. I thought... I thought Saeran was being really weird, and... possessive. I don't want to lose contact with you! At least... not because Saeran thinks you don't need anyone else in your life."

You almost giggle at Yoosung's cuteness at the end of his explanation. _He's still the good old Yoosung I know!_ "Don't worry, Yoosung! I'm here today, am I not?"

"Yes, but..."

"I mean it. Saeran is... not like that." You try to reassure him.

"Yeah, I think so too!" Zen says from his other side. "He doesn't like to see us very much, but while you were away, he always let her do what she wants... unlike certain people in this room." He shots a cold look to Jumin.

You laugh at his remark, glad that their relationship hasn't changed for these past four years. And yet, at the same time, you feel a bit bad... Deep inside your heart, you know you just lied to Yoosung and fooled Zen. _Reality is not really like that_.

Jumin told you already that he's only trying to look out for you, while Saeran... You feel like he controls your life in many ways. And you want to believe that it's probably because he thinks he has this obligation to take care of you... because he is sacrificing so much of his time and his life for you. From your medication, to the people you can talk with, to the places you go... _Everything depends on Saeran. He's doing everything for me to achieve my own happiness as soon as possible. And I never noticed it until a few months ago_.

But it ended a few months ago. And especially when you decided to make your own decisions, when you created lies and secrets between the two of you, he no longer controlled you. _He would never allow me to meet Jumin. He would never let me accept those gifts from him._ You look at the person Saeran probably hates, not knowing why, and you wonder about it. _Why is he so worried about Jumin? Is it because he thinks I'll go back to live with him? But... is that even a possibility? Could I go back to his apartment after I--_

"Zen, please, forget about it." Jaehee tries, once again, to end his anger. "Let's just enjoy the rest of our night. Yoosung will not be back for days after tomorrow, yes?" This time, it seems to work. Zen looks at her and then at Yoosung, who just shrugs, as if he has nothing to do with Zen's decision. 

"Fine..." He sighs, defeated. He places his arm on Yoosung's shoulder and offers him a bottle of soju. "Let's do what you want, then!"

You see Jaehee smiling at you, and you know her words were not only for Zen. _She's right, though... there is no using worrying about it now. It's already in the past, and... Saeran is not even here for me to talk to him about it._

For the rest of this small party, you also make an effort to have fun playing a new card game Yoosung learned during his free time on the military camp. And, for the first time in you don't know how many months, you remembered how it's like to have fun with your friends, without worrying about anything else besides winning a game...

A couple of hours and many bottles of soju later, Yoosung is far too drunk to say anything coherent, so Jaehee and Zen helps him get inside a taxi. He's staying at Zen's until morning, when he'll go back to his camp.

Jumin offers to take you home, as expected, but you refuse. You know how furious Saeran would be if you accepted it. Besides, when you sent him message, he quickly answered, saying he was already waiting for you outside. _Has he been waiting for me around the corner the whole night?? It's so cold, I hope he's safe..._

When you enter the car, you honestly were waiting for Saeran to greet you rudely, but instead, he asks you "How was it?", with a smile on his face.

You don't answer it, as the sudden bad memories from that video and the serious talk with Yoosung appear first in your mind. "Uh... what have you been doing this whole time? I mean, how did you get here so fast?"

"Oh... nothing." You frown. _How could he do nothing during all this time?_ "I mean, nothing special. I was just waiting for you." He then gives you a sad smile and your heart breaks as you remember what Yoosung told you about that day.

_"..he told me that no one could ever take you from him."_

_Oh no... What do I do now?_

\--

You thought about clarifying your doubts and finally talk to Saeran many times. But whenever you gathered up some courage to do it, it seemed like the wrong time. He was either talking about a completely different subject, so it did not make sense for you to bring up this topic, or he was so into the activity you were enjoying together that you could not just bring yourself to talk about a serious matter. Saeran's humor was very good the following day, as it did not have a reason not to be, and you wouldn't want to ruin that.

So all you can do is think and overthink about it on your own.

_What if I'm wrong about Saeran's intention and he doesn't want what I think he wants?_ The first day you mistook Saeran for Saeyoung, two years ago, on Rika's birthday, you thought his words for you were all because he hated the feeling of being left behind. Just like you. You honestly believed Saeran wanted you back in his life, as you wanted to have Saeyoung back. That was what got you two closer again...

It didn't cross your mind, at that time, that there could be any reason for him to want to live without you. _But what if it was really a trick to make me happy so he could move on? I often feel that he's only doing what I ask of him out of obligation... This is, after all, the only reason I made the decision to put an end to our life together. To the happiness we built--_

_Wait a minute... that same day, he said I looked like I was living a new life when I was next to Jumin. So why would he want to take me from Jumin's house and make me happy, if I was looking happy already?_ You sigh, tired of nothing making sense anymore.

All the things you believed to be true, are once again making you all confused after Yoosung's words. You don't see any reason as to why would Saeran lie to you or Yoosung, so... _what is the truth? Why would you say that, Saeran? What do you want from me? You don't want me to be with Jumin, and yet you don't seem happy when I'm with you either... What am I supposed to do now?_

You turn to his side of the bed and his back is facing you, but you can see his slow breathing movements, indicating he's still sleeping. You reach for his hair, but stop yourself.

_A few weeks ago, If I woke up earlier than you, I wouldn't waste my time thinking about these things... I would encircle my arms around you, play with your hair in the sweetest way, call you my love and kiss you until you were awake and did the same to me._ You clench your fists and shut your eyes with force, burying the sweet feeling of his body against yours deeply under your memories. _But it's too late now. We can never go back to what we were... we will never--_

Your phone notification sounds stops you from thinking about him. _Who would send me a text so early in the morning?_ And of course, when you grab your phone, it's from a person you were not expecting, and a message you were not expecting.

_Jumin: Good morning. I sincerely wish you are feeling better today. Would you like to join me for dinner this evening? (7:55 a.m.)_

_Like old times. (7:55 a.m.)_

_Okay... we just met two days ago, why would Jumin want--_ You repress your thoughts. _He must be feeling lonely. Talking about Rika must have remembered him of V, and..._ You close your eyes and fight the incoming tears. You hate thinking about the two men's friendship. It always makes you emotional, even though you only saw so little of it during those eleven days, when V was still alive. _But for Jumin, it was twenty years. Twenty years of friendship, ruined by--_

Having this dinner was definitely something you did not plan for today, but you couldn't refuse it. _I have to accept this invitation. I can't let Jumin suffer by himself._ Now, you just had to find out how you'll tell Saeran. You don't want to keep lying, you'd hate to do it. And, sure, you still want to tell Saeran you went to meet him last time, not only Jaehee... _But how am I supposed to do it? Won't he get mad at me? Ha... of course. Of course he will. Maybe I--_

You get another message.

_Jumin: I can send Driver Kim to you, if needed. Just tell me the time. (7:57 p.m.)_

You frown. _Is he so desperate to make this dinner happen? Then if I don't agree... No. I can't give up on my friends because of Saeran. Besides, he always volunteered to give me a ride... two days ago, he drove me to Jumin without complaining. He even took me to Jumin's party last month, so I don't think this time it will be different..._

You reread Jumin's words and clench your fist around phone and you know it is totally different this time. _Is Yoosung right? Is Saeran possessive? Then... Will he prohibit me to see my friend? No, it can't be... Saeran said he wants me to be happy. If my friends bring me happiness, how could he stop me from meeting them?_

You turn to his sleeping body next to you and, in your mind, you say the words you still have not found the right moment to say out loud. 

_I'm sorry... I hope you can forgive me._

_MC: I can go on my own... Is six a good time? (8:03 a.m.)_

_Jumin: Perfect. (8:04 a.m.)_

_Do not worry. It will be in my own house this time. (8:05 a.m.)_

You stare at your phone and wonder if you're making one more mistake... You've decided to meet Jumin again, and you hope Saeran will give a ride this time. You might as well tell Saeran about everything. And you're betting on the fact that your relationship is still strong enough for overcoming this problem that you created.

You lock your phone and places it back on the bedside table. _Maybe after we have a nice breakfast together, I can tell him..._ but just before you get out of bed, the dim light coming from the hallway is replaced with a brighter one. You know where it's coming from, but you stay still, refusing to acknowledge that Saeran is already awake. Until he speaks.

"Good morning, my love." Your heart throbs with his rasped voice and the way he calls you. You slowly turn your body to meet him, illuminated by his bedside lamp.

"Good morning, Saeran..." You almost whisper his name, then smile to hide your guilt.

_Will he get mad when I tell him? Stupid question, of course he will... But will he lose control? And what is he going to do about today? Will he... prohibi--_

"Are you alright?" He says with a concerned voice, as you noticed you have been staring at him for too long. Not standing to see his worried face, you look away. He reaches for your hands, and hold them.

"It... it's nothing, I..." You know you should just tell him at once about your inner struggles, but you can't stop fearing what will happen when he finds out about your lies.

"Hey... you can tell me. Did you have another nightmare or...?" You shake your head. He draws circles on your hands with his fingers and, if your heart were not so afraid, his touch would probably be soothing.

You lower your head, looking directly at your hands being held by his. _Okay. Just say it and it will be over. He will be angry, but I'm sure we can deal with it together... as we did so many times before._ Taking in a large amount of air into your lungs, you decide to begin with your lie from that day.

"Jumin and--"

"What did he do?" He says with gritted teeth while his grip on you tightens. You look at his face and, just as you thought, he looks very angry at just the mention of Jumin's name, not even allowing you to say your first phrase.

_Time for plan B. Let's see how he reacts to the idea of me supposedly meeting Jumin, then I'll tell him I have already met him._ "He... he invited me for dinner." 

"What?? What for?" _Exactly the reaction I expected..._

"What do you mean, what for?"

"What does he want with you? Why does he want to disturb--"

"Saeran, he..." You pull your hands back, remembering Yoosung's words again. "He's my friend, you can't--"

"Your friend??" He shouts. You recoil and he stands up. He pinches the bridge of his nose, then makes you a question you don't take much time considering the answer. "So you want to go?"

"I don't see why I shouldn't meet--"

"I asked if you want to go." He makes a serious face and you stare at each other for a moment.

You nod, and he slowly closes his eyelids, shaking his head, as if you just gave him a wrong answer. _How could it be wrong if this is about what I want?_

"But you... You don't have to worry." You try to calm him down and reassure him of your choice. "Jumin won't hurt me or... or anything. He only wants to take care of me--"

"To take care of you? How can you be so blind?!" He shouts again, and you frown at him. "He's doing it because he was told to, not because he cares about you--"

"That's not true! Last week, he proved to me he was the only one who truly cared about--" You stop shouting back at him and both of you widen your eyes at your sudden confession. _Shit._ "I-I'm sorry, I... I didn't mean to lie, I just--"

He turns around and stomps out of the room, closing the door behind him with force.

You quickly get out of bed and try to follow him. "Saeran, wait! Listen to me, please!" But he's too fast.

He locks himself in the garage, and both you and him know you could use your own password to unlock the door. _But it would probably only upset him more, wouldn't it?_ For now, there's nothing you can do, except wait until he decides to come back and talk to you again.

The hours pass, you can't help but worry as there's still no sign of him. _At least he did not go to his garden..._ _It's getting colder outside and Saeran didn't even take a jacket with him._ All of this is your fault from the very start. You know none of it would be happening if you had not lied to him in the first place.

It's almost noon, and you know he won't accept to take you to Jumin's later. And you don't want to cancel with him either, Jumin has nothing to do with this and you know he also needs your help. You hesitate to do it, but eventually you text him, asking if Driver Kim is still available to give you a ride. A few minutes later, Jumin confirms that he'll be on your door around five. _I only hope Saeran is back until then..._

Unfortunately, he isn't. When Driver Kim sends you a message announcing his arrival, you decide to go to the garage and notify Saeran about it. You use your own password to unlock it, hoping he'll forgive you for that. _I don't want to go without telling him--_

For your surprise, you don't need to explain him anything. Both one of the cars and Saeran are missing. _Did he leave this morning?? Why didn't he tell me? Why--_ You feel like crying, but swallow the lump forming in your throat. _Who am I to demand anything from him? I brought this upon myself... now he's given up. Now he's gone. Now he will never need to pretend again..._

Drying the tears you could not avoid, and fighting the urge to call him with a heavy heart, you turn the bunker's lights off on your way out and enter the black car parked in front of its gate. Your only hope is that it will drive you to a place where your worries will be kept away from your mind.

If Jumin noticed something was off with the fake happy mask you put on for him this evening, he was kind and polite enough not to comment about it. You tried to keep things light, so the subjects you talked about during your dinner were all trivial. He also didn't mention a single one of his problems, even the ones you learned about during your last meal together. But when he finished a bottle of wine in a few minutes, on his own since you were not accompanying him, you guessed you were right assuming he was insisting for you to come today. _He needed this distraction as much as me..._

But you ended the 'good evening' by yourself. After an hour or so, you could not prevent your own mouth from turning it into a serious talk.

"Thank you so much for inviting me, Jumin. I think... I missed this part of my life more than I thought." You say as you finish the dessert in front of you.

"Have you been missing a good meal? I thought you didn't like it when I--" You laugh at Jumin's pragmatism.

"No, I mean..." _He's probably drunk, and won't remember this talk anyway..._ "I miss the time when my life was easier. When we had dinner every evening, like today."

Jumin nods. "So do I."

You smile sadly, looking around his house and remembering how peaceful your life was back then, despite all the sadness. "Maybe I should have stayed here..."

"What?" You've never heard Jumin's voice sound so surprised. _He wasn't surprised when I asked to leave, but he's surprised when I suggest I shouldn't have done it... What is going on inside his head?_

You let go of the spoon, not feeling like eating sweets anymore, and lean on the back of your seat. "I just think... If I had stayed, I wouldn't have made wrong choices."

You look at him, and his frowned brows ask you if he understood you correctly. You chuckle, because you can still identify so many of his expressions after all this time. _Am I the only one who has changed? Who changed into a liar and a vicious woman who seeks comfort in her husband's twin?_

"I've made horrible choices, Jumin... It started when I chose Saeyoung. After he told me time and time again he was dangerous, I still chose him." You scoff. "Then he left me... I knew it would happen, and still I... I suffered so much for it. I even... I--" You feel completely out of air, and change the subject. "And then I chose his brother. His own brother! I guess you know why, don't you?" You stare at him, and you wait for his answer, but Jumin doesn't react. "Saeran didn't deserve it. He shouldn't have suffered because I wanted Saeyoung back. I was so selfish!"

Jumin takes a moment to give you an answer, and you thought it was because he was already halfway through the second bottle of wine and couldn't formulate a proper sentence anymore, but it was because he was carefully listening to your every word.

"I understand why you used the past tense to describe Saeyoung's situation. But why did you also use it with Saeran's?" 

"Well, that's..." You look down to your hands, pressed together. It both surprises and breaks your heart that you so easily admitted Saeran is gone. "He left this morning."

"I apologize, but... What did you say? Saeran left?" You nod and Jumin looks at you astonished. "How did it happen? Was it... was it the same...?"

"No, we.. we had an argument and he left without saying a word." Jumin keeps watching you with a surprised face, and you continue your explanation feeling a bit short of breath. "Honestly, I... I was already planning on leaving him, but this was so sudden, and I... I didn't even get a chance to explain my--" You're interrupted by the sound of your phone's ringtone. "Sorry, I'll turn it off..."

But as soon as you grab it and look at the screen, the incoming caller's ID makes your heart skip a beat.

"It's Saeran!" You say, already picking up the call as fast as you can. "Hello? Saeran, where have you--"

"I'm outside." He answers in a monotone voice.

"Outside?" You stand up abruptly from your chair. "You mean... outside Jumin's building?"

"Yes."

"Okay! I'll be there in a minute!" As you turn off the call, your heartbeats are insanely high, but at the same time, it never felt more at peace. "I'm so sorry, Jumin. He is... he came back and I need to--"

"I understand." He stands up from his chair and walks with you toward the door.

"Thank you so much again for the dinner, I really enjoyed it."

"It was my pleasure. Thank you for accepting my invite." You give him a smile, now feeling much more honest while doing so, and rush to the elevator. "MC." He calls you back and you turn to him again. "Don't let your past stop you from making new choices from now on." He says, with his usual serious face.

"Thanks, I... I'll keep that in mind." _I can think about it after I talk with Saeran..._ You wave him goodbye and nervously leave his building.

Without any difficulty, you see the white sports car, the one that was missing from the bunker's garage, parked right across the street. You practically run towards it and, without any hesitation, open the passenger's door and take your sit right next to him. You want to clarify whatever it is that he might have misunderstood, and more importantly, to apologize for your mistake.

Saeran is leaning on the window next to him, staring at the outside world, and he doesn't look at you when you enter the car. You wonder if he's thinking about what to say, but a few seconds pass, the interior lights go off, and the silence is the only sound around you. Too anxious to solve this problem between you, you take a deep breath and start talking whatever comes to your mind.

"I am very very sorry, Saeran. I really... I shouldn't have lied. That day, I did want to meet Jaehee, but I also wanted to meet Jumin, but you didn't want me to meet him, so I couldn't find a way to tell you... The only thing I came up with was that lie. I met him after you dropped me at Jaehee, and I... I am sorry, I shouldn't have--"

"It's fine." He says, still avoiding you.

_Fine? It doesn't sound 'fine'..._ _This situation is anything but fine!_

"Are you... are you sure?" He nods at your question, then finally moves his body, to turn on the car's engine. _No, wait!_ You place your hand over his, preventing him from turning the wheel. "I know I've wronged you, so please, forgive me..."

He slowly moves his gaze to where you touch him and sighs, grabbing your hand gently, then pulling it closer to his face. "I was the one who should apologize." He plants kisses on the back of your hand and you feel bad for being treated so well after all you've done. "I told you I would always stay with you, but I left you alone today. I'm sorry... I won't ever do it again."

"No, you don't have to! I was--"

"Let's just forget it, alright?" He kisses your fingers one by one, sending shivers down your spine. "I don't want these petty things destroying our life."

_Ah, Saeran... The only thing responsible for destroying us... is me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday Rika!!!
> 
> (yep, let's pretend this was posted on the 5th of November lol)
> 
> And sorry for no Dr. Go Sojin this chapter! She will come back in the next one!


	18. Words to Remember Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First: When I posted the previous chapter, I had no idea if we would ever get to see Saeran's AE. Now, as I post this one, we are four days away from both his AE and a Jumin extra DLC. I still think I'm dreaming... It's all I could ask for and more, thank you so much Cheritz <3
> 
> Second: I finally wrote a 10k+ chapter lol  
> I'll post Part 2 before the 18th, bc I'll be too busy with my boys next weekend~~

You reluctantly wake up as you notice the mattress shifting with a new weight pressed on it. You slowly open your eyes and, as expected, he's the one sitting next to your feet.

"Good morning." His smile is so precious when he says it, you can't help but smile in return. "I brought us some breakfast."

"Thanks..." You sit up and approach him, inspecting the tray of food. It's full of your favourite choices for the first meal of the day. _Always so caring..._

But the fight you had the previous day is still fresh in your mind, preventing your smile from lasting for longer than you wish it did.

You pull your legs close to you, having no appetite either. "I'm glad you forgave me in such a short time, Saeran. But I... I don't deserve such treatment."

"It's nothing. We have our appointments today, so I thought I could--"

"Today is Thursday already??" You almost shout in surprise. "I completely forgot about it! Am I late?" You turn to your left side to reach for your phone. Only then you notice that you're way too far from your nightstand than you should be.

You look around you and you see that you've been actually sleeping on Saeran's side of the bed. _It doesn't make any sense. I clearly remember laying on my side. I even checked that Saeran was right next to me when we went to sleep last night._

"How... how did I end up here?" You ask him with a desperate voice, afraid to have made another mistake during an episode...

"You don't remember?" He frowns and you answer negatively with your head. _So it was an episo--_ "You... you woke up in the middle of the night. And told me..." He lowers his gaze, and smiles. "You told me something I hadn't heard from you in a while." He looks back at you, with his bright mint eyes staring into your soul. _Oh no..._ "You really don't remember?"

You try to control your expression and swallow your nervousness. "I didn't say anything." He frowns and you try to fix your error. "I mean, I don't remember, what did you--"

"Forget it, then. You probably just had a nightmare and I don't want you to remember it..." He moves his eyes to the tray. "What do you want to start with? I brought all your fav--" _I'm so sorry Saeran... I have to lie to you again._

_I had all this time to accept reality, but leaving you is getting harder. My mind keeps showing me nightmares about a life without you. A life full of... loneliness._

You accept the food he's offering you, even though you don't even feel a shadow of hunger.

_I'm a horrible person... I thought I was still dreaming when I sought out your warm embrace after my nightmare. When you pulled me close, allowing no space between our bodies, I thought it was the you from a good dream..._

You see him smiling and you force yourself to smile again too. _It's amazing how completely unaware of my pain you are. Our parting... How will it happen? Will I say it first? Or will you tell me goodbye before I can--_

"There's something..." He says, gesturing to your face and you try to clean where he supposedly is pointing to. "No, here. Let me..." He leans over your body and you freeze with the sudden closeness.

He takes a napkin and wipes off whatever it is on the corner of your mouth. He does it very gently, as if your face would break with his touch. Without controlling yourself, your eyes move to his pale face. You can see his small pointed nose, and his thin lips so close... even a few veins from his cheeks are visible, and you still remember how flushed they can get when you--

"There, it's done..." His eyes move to yours and, too late, you move your head to the other side. _Shit. I can't get caught staring, if he thinks I--_ "MC, I... I'm sorry."

_What? Why?_

"For what?"

The answer you get is something you were not expecting.

With the same hand Saeran used on your face to clean it, he holds you in place, with his thumb over your cheek, caressing you very lightly. He lifts his other hand, moving a few strands of your hair away from your face, while you stare into his eyes. Slowly, he leans into you... and you know what's about to comes next. And you do nothing while he closes the distance between your faces, except closing your eyes.

The touch of his lips on yours is like an oasis for a thirsty traveler. But at the same time, his feather like kisses are something you could easily take your time savoring each one of them. Like fine wine for someone who stopped drinking, the taste of his lips is an experience you could never forget, and yet it is unique today, for you haven't tasted them in what feels like centuries.

_They are soft, but also a bit dry. He's gentle, and a little desperate too. It's perfect, and I missed it so... so much!_ You can't help but allow yourself to engage in a hotter kiss not too long after it started.

Just like before, you effortlessly sync the movements of your tongue with his, and your mind go blank as your heart beats faster along with the perfect dance in your mouths. One of his hands slides to the back of your neck, pulling you closer, and you feel like your whole body is melting under his touches.

You lift your hand and lay it on the back of his neck, drawing out a moan from the back of his throat. It sends a shock to your own mouth, making you seek for more. To touch his body more. To bring him as close as possible to you.

But it was a mistake.

You unconsciously reach for his head... and by running your fingers through his messy and curly hair, you remember who he really is.

"I... I'm sorry, I--" You quickly get up from the bed, turning your back to him. "I should... get ready."

You run to the bathroom without looking back. You lock the door and quickly undress yourself. Your shaky hands and weak breath almost stopping you from accomplishing it.

When you're under the cold shower, you feel like you finally have your body moves under control. You close your eyes and let the water wash away the remaining desires that still keeps your body warm.

_What the hell did I just do? I... I kissed Saeran..?_ You open your eyes, and touch your lips. _No. He did. He was the one who kissed me first! Does it mean...?_ You smile, assuming that, once more, Saeran really wants you to stay with him. _So Yoosung is also right, he doesn't want me to--_

But the words Saeran said just before your mouths touched replays in your mind, proving you once again that you must be wrong.

_"I'm sorry."_

_He apologized. He apologized before kissing me?_ You tremble after remembering it, not sure out of fear or the cold water hitting your body. _Why did he apologize? Does he regret it? But it doesn't make sense... If he would regret it, then why would he do it in the first-- Oh._

You finish washing your body and leave the shower. After all, no matter how much you wash yourself, you can't get the dirty choice from your body. _It was wrong of me to kiss him back. I should have proved him wrong. He only kissed me because I was staring at his face, thinking about our past, and my face was... This is the only possible explanation, isn't it?_

You still have a tiny glimpse of hope that you could be mistaken. But there is only one way of knowing... You walk towards the bathroom's door wearing only the towel around your body, hoping Saeran is still waiting for you outside to answer your questions.

You hesitate for a second, but you want to know his answer as soon as possible, so you open the door and...

_He's not here._

And neither is the tray of food you shared. You guess he went to the kitchen to clean it. _I'll dress up and look for him..._ You walk to the drawers where your clothes are kept, and there, you see a small paper note over them.

_I am sorry, MC. I shouldn't have crossed the line._

_I will behave from now on._

_I'm waiting for you in the car._

_See you soon._

You read it one more time, just to be sure of his decision, then fold the paper in half, and place it inside the drawer. His words, and the note itself, are a clear message to you. _He more than wish we hadn't kissed... he doesn't even want to talk about it. Is it for my sake? Or his? Does he even want to think about it? I still have no idea what I mean to him... am I family? Friend? Or... something else?_

For the first time, you wish Saeran were not so much like his brother... _if he just opened up with me, then maybe we could-- No. I have no right to demand this from him. I know how hard his life was. I'm the one who should keep no secrets from him._

_When we come back, I will tell him. I'll tell him everything._

The trip to the Health Center is not exactly silent, but it certainly is not the same as the previous weeks.

Whenever one of you made a question or a comment, the other answers with a single word, making the "conversation" very uncomfortable. _I wanted to keep things normal, but it feels like the opposite._ Still, you trust this is only a temporary situation between you. _It always were, why not now?_

At the waiting room, you choose not talk. Having people around is one reason for that, but running out of random subjects to talk is another. Saeran leaves to enter his psychologist's office a few minutes later, and he gives you a little smile before turning his back to you. It makes you question if you are the one who isn't working hard enough to keep things normal.

_But what is normal, anyway?_ You question yourself, staring at the door Saeran entered. _We stopped being normal when we became a couple a year ago. Then we stopped living our new normal when I decided we no longer should be together... You must still think I'm insane, don't you, Saeran? I can't even decide what I want from you--_

Dr. Go Sojin calls your name and you follow her into her office. For the first time, you couldn't even fake a smile when greeting her. Nor come up with a lie when she asks about your week.

"It was... terrible, actually." You admit, sinking into your seat.

"Oh? Something happened?" She asks with a worried face, and you remember the first time you met her... You couldn't believe back then that some day you would come to like her so much as to want to share your problems with her.

"Well, not something... a few things."

"I noticed you were very distracted before I called you... I'm sure one of these things is bothering you more than the others, no?" _How does she know..?_ "It's natural to feel troubled about what happens around us, but what we can change is our response to--"

"I understand, but..." You sigh loudly and cross your arms. "I feel like I keep making the same mistakes, and it's all because I don't--" _say the truth. I can't even be honest with you, Doctor..._

"We've talked about it, already, no? What you may think it's your mistake, it might not be."

"But it is! This time... I know it is." You lower your head, admitting your fault.

She leans forward over the table and tilts her head to the right. "How so?"

"I... Saeran and I had a fight this week." You tight your crossed arms around you. "It was our first major fight and... I thought we made up and forgot all about it, but then..." _Then we kissed and I messed it up again._ "I'm not sure we will go back to what we were." _Whatever it was..._

"And what was the fight about?"

You bite your lips, already expecting a scolding from her. "Because I... I lied. I didn't tell him I had dinner with Jumin last week. He thought I was with Jaehee the whole evening."

"Oh, MC... We talked so much about--"

"I know, I know! Communication is important!" You lift your hands, interrupting her. She looks at you surprised, then distances herself from you. "Sorry, I... I just think it was hard to tell him about it, because he wouldn't understand why I wanted to meet Jumin."

"Have you tried telling him before making this choice?"

_He wouldn't have allowed me to meet him..._ "I know him. He wouldn't have, because he... He..."

"Don't you think you are assuming his feelings, MC?" She says, after you find no other reasons.

"Of course not! I know Saeran and he doesn't like Jumin, he thinks--" _Oh shit..._

"Doesn't like him?" She lifts one of her thin eyebrows. "Why do you think so?"

_Shit. Shit. Me and my big mouth... How am I supposed to explain this?_ You look around you, as if trying to escape from your problem, but you know it is futile. _I guess my only option is to tell the truth... or some of it._

"Jumin and I... we've lived together for quite a long time, so we know each other very well. I mean, I wouldn't say I know him a hundred per cent, that would be too much." You smile a bit, remembering his many faces. "But I can easily say Jumin is not a regular person. He doesn't have friendships like regular people. He looks cold, and he doesn't always say nice things. But he... he is very important to me. I think... after our sessions, it only became clearer that I needed to tell him I didn't blame him for anything. So I wanted to meet him, but..."

You look at her, and she smiles at you very lightly. "So you thought you should do it without notifying Saeran. Why?"

"Well, he... He doesn't like the way Jumin treats me. And I... I don't actually blame him, I mean... Jumin is not exactly very good with words. And he has the bad habit of giving me gifts, and..." _Oh, right. She doesn't know he is_ the _Han Jumin. I should probably hide this fact._ "Most of them are not fancy gifts... Sometimes, he just wants me to eat, so he buys me some food. But Saeran is not very fond of them."

"And what do you think of these gifts?"

"I... I know he cares about me. Jumin... he just wants to protect me, so I don't think I'm doing anything bad by accepting them. Saeran is just paranoi--"

You're not sure how, but a memory from around a month ago suddenly invades your mind.

_"... They are all traps."_

_"Traps?"_

_"Every time he offers you something, it's another attempt to take you away from me."_

You quickly realize it was not the first time you heard him saying something similar. And then it all makes sense to you. _Yoosung was telling me the truth about that day! Then... does it mean Saeran wasn't holding any personal grudge against Jumin? He just doesn't want anyone to take me from him?_

"MC?" _Oh. Right._ "Why would Saeran be paranoid? Does Jumin treat you different from his other friends?"

"He doesn't have other friends. Rika took his--" _Shit. Why am I making a bunch of mistakes today?_

She just keeps staring at you, with a confused face. Since she doesn't use her notebook anymore, she seems to have memorized all of your friends' names. But you never mentioned Rika.

"Well, there... There was this girl, who..." _I can't say much about it. Rika's name got pretty famous after Mint Eye's incident._ "She... she took his best friend away from him. They got engaged and, you see..." _She killed him._ "He got too infatuated by her, and... it broke his twenty-year friendship with Jumin."

"Did you meet him? His best friend?"

"Only once." _On the day of his death..._ "I texted him a few times prior to that. He seemed to be... a passionate person." You close your eyes as guilty hits you _. I'm sorry I didn't visit you again this year, V._ "And I didn't know how important he was to Jumin until he left. Until this day, Jumin is a bit... traumatized because of it. But I don't blame his best friend. I know it was no one else's fault but Rika's."

"Her fault?" Dr. Go Sojin asks, and after years of keeping it inside you, you feel you can finally talk about Rika with someone else. Even though there are still a few things you need to hide from an outsider. After all, the RFA members would never be able to understand you. _They admire her too much..._

"Rika did... bad things. She manipulated everyone and, I guess, it's even right to say that she was crazy and--" You try to control yourself, noticing your overreaction. "Sorry, it's just... it was a difficult situation. And she really was mentally unstable. Jumin's best friend, her fiancé, he just... " Your voice gets stuck on your throat as the scene from that day at Mint Eye comes back to you. _I will never forget it. But I think..._ " It's no use talking about it now, right?"

"It is... if it still bothers you. We talk about the past so we can move forward, remember?"

"Yeah..." _I guess the past will always haunt me._ "In that case, it still does. I mean, Rika is still..." You remember Rika's birthday 'event' from earlier this week and everything it made you feel.

_Maybe I'm the wrong person. All the other members seem to have forgiven her already, yet here I am, still hating her for what she did all those years ago... But it's only natural, isn't it? She killed V and tortured Saeran, why would she deserve a second--_

"Doctor." You look directly into her eyes, placing your hands on her table. "Can someone... redeem themselves?"

She smiles and also comes closer to you. "MC, do you think your mental illness defines who you are?" _What?_

"I... I think not. I wasn't always like this. And I hope... I hope one day I won't be like this anymore. I haven't had any episodes lately, so I guess this is a good sign, right?"

"You are correct. And do you know what else it means?" You shake your head. "You can't also blame others for theirs. Because they are also trying to fight their own battles." 

"That's--"You know she is talking about Rika, and your resentment for the blonde woman makes you disagree with those words. _That's easy for you to say. I did not start a cult and brainwashed dozens of people._ This is what you were about to tell her.But that's something you cannot say. So fighting your inner struggle, you just nod and agree with your psychologist. "I understand... I will try to be more considerate about others."

"Besides," she continues her explanation, "we all make our own choices. I am sure Jumin's best friend chose to stay by her side on his own will. Unfortunately, he and Rika could not be responsible for Jumin's feelings." _But Rika is responsible for V's absence on Jumin's life! She is also--_ "Do you not make choices of your own that also impacts others?"

"I guess so... but--" Your eyes go wide, as you connect two dots in your mind, resulting in another shocking information.

_Am I... am I using Saeran just like Rika used him and V for her own purposes? No! It cannot be! Rika was crazy, I am just... I am just..._

_I am as crazy as her, am I not?_

Once inside the car, on your way back home, the awkwardness from earlier is replaced by the anguish from your new discovery. You could barely pay any attention to what Dr. Go Sojin said after that, and she soon notice your distracted face. No matter what she asked, you avoided talking to her about it. In the end, she chose to finish your session a bit earlier, because you refused to talk about what was clearly upsetting you.

_How could I? What would she think of me if I told her I've been doing to Saeran the same things Rika did? Or probably even worse... Rika had this purpose of a crazy place for saving people. It was twisted, but at least it was not for herself. As for me, all I've been taking from Saeran is my own... twisted pleasure. I am so selfish! I'm sure he hates me and wants to--_

_But he said he doesn't want anyone to take me from him, so why..?_

You look at Saeran and he doesn't seem to be showing any signs of bad humor. As you have learned from your mistakes, you should stop guessing his feelings. For the first time, going against your usual behavior, you decide to ask him and end your doubts about it.

"Uhm... Saeran." You call his name when he stops at a red light. He looks at you with one corner of his lips forming a small smile, giving you a bit of courage to continue. "Do you think... I'm a bad person?"

He scoffs and shakes his head. "You're the best person I've ever met, MC. You could never be bad to anyone." He takes your hand and intertwines your fingers. "That's why I chose to stay with you."

You never felt so remorseful in your entire life.

From the start, you never hid from him the reasons behind your physical attraction to him. He could have refused it. He could have hated you for it. But he decided to give you what you needed. Not only in bed, but during your daily life as well. Saeran was always beside you. Whether you cried or smiled, for around a year and a half, Saeran has always been with you. And you hate yourself for using him like this.

Before, if Saeran ignored you for only a few hours, you would start sobbing like a baby, begging him not to leave you. Now, and since you started this whole plan, you never once considered his feelings. _Did he feel lonely? Was he scared I would leave? Have I made him question his attitude towards me?_ You are only thinking about these questions at this exact moment.

Of course, to be fair, you thought Saeran has been trying to get rid of you. That he was doing everything because you have been asking him to. You still are a bit unsure of it, to be honest. But even if he is willingly beside you, you've been hiding your intentions from him for quite some time. You have been plotting your betrayal for weeks already, and for this, you could never forgive yourself.

_It is time to end this._

"Saeran, I... I have to tell--" But as you notice he is not looking at you anymore, but has his eyes back at the road ahead, you stop your confession.

He takes a few glances at you, then frowns, probably noticing your painful expression. "Is something wrong, MC?"

_Now is not the right time... We should discuss it at home, where he can fully listen to me._

\--

And yet, for the next couple of days, you live your life as if nothing happened. You tell yourself you are yet to find the "right time" to finally open up about... well, everything. But it never happened.

_Once we have this conversation, it will probably be our end... won't it?_

So you couldn't bring yourself to do it when you have been having a nice time with Saeran, completely ignoring the past events and your doubts. _I guess one of these days, I'll just have to tell him I do not need him anymore... that it will be our last time sharing a meal together. So maybe... maybe we should have fun until then._ You make a bunch of excuses to postpone what is long due.

Sunday evening comes, and you receive an unexpected call from Jaehee. She's supposed to be enjoying Zen's musical at this hour, so you're almost sure something very serious happened, otherwise she would have called you later to tell you whatever it is that she is about to.

"Hey, Jaehee."

"Hello, MC. I am so sorry to interrupt your rest this evening." 

"It's alright, don't worry about me... aren't you suppose to be watching Zen? What happened?" As you as you ask this, you hear her sighing.

"Yes. You are right... something stopped me from doing it. I was about to enter the theatre when I got a call from one of Mister Han's maid. She said he dismissed all of his staff earlier this afternoon and... locked himself inside his penthouse."

"What?? Is he mad??" You shout at her and it startles Saeran, who is cooking dinner in the kitchen and comes to see you in the living room.

"I... I don't know. I got here as soon as possible, and he really won't let anyone enter, MC. I've tried everything to have him open this door, but..." She hesitates. "He said he would sue anyone who tries to break in... He also gave the whole department a day off for the rest of the week." _Oh, God. Please don't tell me..._ "Of course I'm glad, but also worried. What will Chairman Han think of us if--"

"Jaehee... is he drunk??"

"I... I don't know. It is possible." _Great..._ "But I wouldn't have called you if I was not so desperate and worried about his safety, MC. If you could come, I would--"

"Of course, Jaehee! You could have called me sooner! I'm on my way!"

"Thank you! Thank you so much, MC!"

"No problem! See you soon!"

You place your phone of the sofa and quickly head towards your bedroom to change your clothes and get ready to--

"Where are you going? Dinner is almost ready." Saeran grabs your wrist before you can take your third step.

"Oh. I'm sorry, can we eat a bit later? Jumin is--"

"Jumin?" He gets closer to you and you want to take a step back, but his grip on you won't let you. "And what does it have anything to do with you?"

"Saeran, I already told you... He's my frien--"

"Again with this friend story??" He shouts at you and you flinch. He lets go of your hand and you distance yourself more from him. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to shout..."

"It's okay..." You take a deep breath, decided. "But I meant it. I can't ignore a friend in need, especially a friend who helped me so many times." He looks into your eyes with his face still contorted in anger, and you think you made a big mistake choosing those words. 

He pinches his nose and sighs, then gives you a response you weren't expecting. "Fine. Let's go then."

With a big smile on your face, you throw your arms around him and thank him. _Saeran really doesn't hold any grudges against Jumin. I was just being stupid..._

Saeran decided to wait for you the car, even after you insisted for him to come with you. _Nothing I can change about it, but it was nice for him to drive me here..._ You know he isn't going to accept being friends with Jumin any time soon, but you are happy to see him accepting your requests.

When the elevator door to Jumin's penthouse opens, his security guards are all in front of you. _What the heck?? They usually stay close to his door, what are they doing here?_

"MC! I'm sorry about that..." Jaehee comes and dismisses the two tall men in a suit, allowing you to access Jumin's door. "Mister Han said they could go home, but of course I couldn't let him without his security, so I'm just keeping them away from the door."

"Oh, Jaehee... It must be so hard for you..." You place your hand on her arm. "I'm sure it's tiring to have Jumin as your boss... I'll definitely ask him to give you a pay raise!!"

"Thanks, MC." She smiles and it's enough to help her in any way you can. "That is, if you're able to go through this door toda--"

"I sure am!!" You walk past her and stand in front of the door of Jumin's house entrance.

_What's gotten into his mind? I'll talk some sense into him, even if I get to break this door! He wouldn't dare to sue me, anyway._ You start knocking on the door with both your hands and calling him.

"Han Jumin! Open this door right now! Whatever happened to you doesn't justify the way you treated your staff! Did you hear me?" You keep knocking with both your hands as you talk. "If you don't open this door, I will break it on my own! Jumin!! I really mean--"

The door makes an unlocking sound before you finish, and you look at Jaehee with a hopeful smile.

"MC, thank you so much for--"

You couldn't hear the end of her speech, as someone grabbed your arms, pulled you away from the hall, and into a new place. When you looked around yourself, there was Jumin's apartment and its owner, who was locking the door again. It happened so fast, you almost didn't registered his actions.

"Jumin! You--" You were about to start your scold, but you notice him stumbling on his way back inside his living room, ignoring you completely. _He's really drunk..._

As you follow him, you see three wine bottles on the table. He grabs one from it, and tries to fill the glass in his hand, spilling some of the dark red liquid on the floor.

"Don't you think you had enough?" You ask him as you inspect the other two bottles. _Completely empty_.

You walk closer to him and take both the objects from his hands. He tries to take them back from you and you put them on the table. "Give me back, please." He says, trying to take them, but without any sense of coordination. _He's clearly out of himself!_ "I want to drink more." _Why is he so insistent??_

"Jumin, no! You need to stop!"

You use very little force to get him away from the table, but he stumbles backwards, laying on the sofa, as if you just pushed him with all your strength. 

"Oh my God, Jumin! I'm sorry, I--"

"I am so hurt." He whispers with his finger pointed towards you. _What? Is he blaming me?_

"Excuse me! But this was not my fault. You fell because you're drunk!"

He shakes his head at you, then explains himself. "I am mad and hurt, because of my family. Because of my own father." _Oh, Jumin... so this is why you've been drinking._

You kneel beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. You know how important his father and son relationship is for him, and how it takes a toll on him. "I am sorry, Jumin... I'm sorry you have to go through this."

"I wish..." He covers his face with his free arm. "I wish I could just run away with her. That would make me the happiest."

"What?" You let go of him and stand up. "What do you mean by that, Jumin? Who is her?"

He doesn't answer for a while, and you approach him slowly. He doesn't say anything or move for a while. _He... fell asleep? At this critical moment??_ You frown at him, watching his drunk messy figure sleeping so peacefully. 

_Yet again I met a side of Jumin I never knew before... I've seen him drunk, of course, but never at this level. And certainly not admitting his feelings for someone._

You take the liberty to walk inside his bedroom, fetch his blanket and some pillows, just to make him a bit more comfortable. _That's all I'm doing for you today..._

You go outside and leave the rest to Jaehee. She thanks you once again, and you tell her you did nothing much. You almost ask her if Jumin have been seeing someone, but... _Jumin would have told me if he wanted me to know._

Saeran is waiting for you in the car, and you run towards it, because it's cold outside and you also don't want to leave him waiting another extra second. But as soon as you greet him, your mind is back to what happened with Jumin. _Who is she? Does Jumin actually have someone he likes? So I was wrong that day, and he lied to me? Or is it someone new?_

Saeran calls you with a higher voice and you apologize. He asks how was it, and you say Jumin was a mess, but Jaehee will take care of him... He nods, then turn on the car's engine to take you home. And you decide it is best to forget what happened this night.

\--

"Saeran, no!" You try to stop his dirty hands from touching your face.

"You can't escape this time!" He grabs your waist from behind and finally gets his revenge, marking your nose with flour just like you did to him a few minutes ago.

"Alright, alright! You already did it, now let me--"

He turns your body around, but doesn't let go of your waist. "Help me cook. No distractions, okay?" His face is so close to yours, so dangerously close, every time he says a word, his breath leaves a tingle sensation over your lips.

You nod, fighting the urges in your body to stare at him like the last time, and he leads you to the table, where the cooking ingredients are.

It isn't a difficult recipe. In fact, it is a recipe you know very well... _Pancakes._ So once he told you this morning he wanted to cook some for breakfast, you quickly offered your help. The only thing is... he doesn't know you already know how to cook them.

_I'm sure Saeran will not like the idea of me cooking pancakes for Jumin, I better avoid telling this story..._ But you just could not help but play with Saeran when he tried to tech you something you already knew about this recipe.

"Now, we just need to add two eggs. But don't forget to check them if they--" He stops your hand, just before you reach his cheek. _Uh-oh..._ "You won't fool me twice, MC!"

He picks up a bit of flour as well and tries to touch your face as well, but you cover yourself with your other arm. "I promise this was the last time! I promise! I--"

Suddenly your phone ringtone echoes through the hallway. You lower your arm and, you're not sure why, but both yours and Saeran's smiles turn into a sad face as he releases you. He lowers his gaze to his feet and you clean your hand on your apron before leaving the kitchen.

_It's still early morning, who would need to call me--_

As you take your phone, you see Jumin's name is on the screen. You feel a bit weird seeing his name, remembering what happened the last time you saw him. But you still pick up his call.

"Good morning, it's me." _Yes, I know..._

"Hi, Jumin..."

"I hope I am not disturbing your morning."

"Uh..." _You just did._ "No. Is there something I can help you with?"

"I called to apologize. I know it is a bit late, but my behaviour from two nights ago was... inexcusable. But I hope you forgive--"

"Jumin, it's alright. I know you're going through a lot, and it's normal to loose yourself sometimes. I certainly did a few years ago. And you took care of me too, so..."

"That was then. This is now." _What?_ "Allow me to apologize to you with another dinner."

"You really don't have to, it's--"

"I insist. Just tell me when."

You sigh. _He's really not going to give up. This is so like him... And it's just a dinner... I'm sure it won't be any different from the last time._

"Fine. Tomorrow then. Is that alright for you?"

"Yes. I'll send Driver Kim. If you need."

"No. Don't. I'll be there at... same time?"

"Yes. See you tomorrow."

_That's great... Now I have to tell Saeran I'm meeting Jumin again._

You walk back into the kitchen and Saeran is now in the oven, cooking the pancakes. _Okay... I just need to explain why I always accept Jumin's invitations. Communication is key. Communication is--_

"Hey, you are back." He says at you with a sad smile on his face, and you know you're already guilty of ruining the rest of your day together. _Just when I thought we were back to our new normal..._

"Saeran. I know I'm asking too much from you, so I'll understand if you refuse... Tomorrow. Around four or five in the afternoon... Could you give me a ride to Jumin's--"

"What?" He drops the spoon full of pancake dough on the floor, and you rush to help him clean it. He then turns off the oven and starts paying attention at you completely. "Why do you want to see him tomorrow?"

"He... he invited me for dinner."

"Again?? This is the second time you're seeing him this week. Actually, do I even need to comment the frequency you've been meeting him?" You lower your gaze, having no answer for that. "Weekly! You've been meeting him weekly, at least! For someone who didn't even want to see him once a month, what the hell is happen--"

"Saeran, I... I'm sorry, but--"

"But what? Do you want to go back to him?" He points towards the kitchen exit.

"What are you talking about? I never thought about it this way!"

"Then don't make me think you want to! Because right now, it looks to me it's either you or him who wants it!" You shake your head, disagreeing with him once more. "But it seems to me one of you wants to take you from me!"

You widen your eyes as Saeran says these words. But this time, you've heard them enough to let them change your mind about what Saeran truly wants.

"Saeran, you... you really don't want me to be taken by someone else?" You approach him carefully.

"What?" He frowns, confused by your question at first, then certain of his answer. "Of course not, I just told you--"

You run towards him and hug his torso, burying your face in his chest. He is surprised at first, not expecting your sudden movement, but he slowly encircles his arm around you and it warms your heart and soul. _I think this is enough proof that Saeran really doesn't want me to leave!!_

"You don't have to worry about that." You look up to his face with smile you can't contain. "No one is taking me from you, Saeran! And I'm not... I'm not leaving you either." You finally make your choice.

"Do you promise?" He asks, looking directly into your eyes.

"I do."

"Good." He kisses your forehead, then embraces you even tighter.

_So this is how it ends. Months of torment and struggle... wondering when we would see each other for the last time. And it's all over, without Saeran even realizing I once plotted to leave him alone. This is for the better. Now that I'm sure once again that he wants me to stay, I won't need to think about this anymore. We will stay togethe--_

"Do you really have to go to Jumin tomorrow?" Saeran asks with a low voice, but it's enough to make you stop your inner monologue.

You distance yourself from him, look away, then back to his face. "Jumin is an important friend to me. And he is going through a bad phase at the moment. I... I don't want to let my friend alone. I hope you understand--"

"I will try to." He lowers his face, and reach for your hands. "For you."

"Thank you, Saeran. It means a lot to me."

That night, as you were getting ready for bed, you came to another realization. You were glad that you no longer had to worry about when you would leave him. But your torture was far from over.

Saeran opened the bathroom door, wearing only a towel around his waist. His hair still dripping from the shower he just took.

"I forgot to pick up my pyjamas." He said, with a sly smile, then walked to the drawer to take them.

You followed his naked figure as if you were in a trance, not have seen, or touched it, in such a long time. His body was not muscular like Zen's, or even like Yoosung's after his military training, but there was something about it you could not keep yourself from thirstin--

_Oh shit... do I miss his body? Or do I miss... Saeyoung's? Do I like it because they are so similar? Even though his older brother had more muscles, because of his secret agent missions, I can't deny they are identical twins. Is this why I still can't leave Saeran?_

You make the decision to keep all your lustful feelings locked inside you until you are sure of your motives to being unable to let go of Saeran.

_I cannot, and will not, ever treat Saeran like his brother again._


	19. Words to Remember Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this chapter in my drafts for over three months. I'm so excited to finally post it!  
> I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Trigger warning: VIOLENCE!

You make sure to arrive at Jumin's building at the right time. You greet the guards in front of his door, and wait for Jumin to authorize your entrance. Surprisingly, they let you inside without the usual protocol. _Maybe Jumin already told them about me._

Once you get into his house, however, there is no one waiting for you. You walk to the dining table, and it's set for two, which shows he certainly didn't forget about the dinner he invited you to. _Maybe he's using the restroom?_ You take your seat in the chair you always sat before and wait for his return.

But a few minutes pass, and no sign of Jumin. _Did he go to sleep or something? No... this isn't like him._ _But surely he's somewhere inside this--_

Your phone rings right before you stand up from your seat to look for him. _Huh? Jaehee?_

"Hey, Jaehee. How are you doing?" You ask her casually, but wishing you could ask her where is her boss, instead.

"MC... I'm good, thank you for asking. And I know I don't need to ask how you are. I'm sure you must be frustrated waiting all alone in Mister Han's--"

"Oh! So you knew I'd be meeting Jumin today? Good... Where is he?"

"Actually, Mister Han just told me about it. He asked me to call you and tell you that he apologizes, but he--"

"What??" You shout at her, already grabbing your coat to leave. "I can't believe he waited the very last minute to say he won't show up! That's so like him! Actually, why can he just tell me himself then? He even asked his assistant to do it? Jaehee, you really don't need to do his dirty work for him! What is wrong with--"

"MC, no. No... That's not it. You got this wrong--" Jaehee tries to tell you while you shout, but you only listen to her after a while.

"Oh... It's not? What is it then?"

"He asked me to tell you that he will be late." _Oh... oops._ "We got caught up in a serious meeting, with... important people. But it will be over soon... I suppose." Jaehee sighs, and you can hear how tired she is.

"I-I see... I'm sorry for shouting at you, Jaehee. It must be tough. I hope this meeting ends soon! For both our sake!"

"Thank you, MC. I hope so too. I need to go back... Please, excuse me."

_Great... Since he won't be here for a while, there's no need for me to wait at this table by myself._ You leave your things there and walk to the sofa, where you can sit much more comfortably.

That's when you notice you are not actually alone.

"Hello, Elizabeth the Third!" She looks at you with her big blue eyes, but shows you no sign that she wants to listen to you, turning her head to the other side and going back to sleep. "Oh, come on, girl! It's just the two of us until Jumin arrives..."

You touch her fluffy white hair and she makes no sound, nor movement. "Your fur is so soft!! I'm sure you only get the best--" She purrs at your caresses. "Ahh, so cute! I wish Jumin were here to see us now! It's been so long since we had a bonding moment like this!"

After a few more minutes enjoying your gentle strokes like this, Elizabeth stretches her legs and walks away. _Well, it was good while it lasted..._

Your other option to distract yourself is with Jumin's big screen TV. You normally don't do this, but since he has more channels than the bunker's TV, you switch between them, until you stop on what seems to be a drama. You never watched this one, so you have no idea who are these characters and what the plot is about. But the scene on the screen easily grabs your attention.

It seems to be an office romance kind of drama, where two people fall in love in, well, an office. The male lead is wearing a suit and is pretty good looking. The female lead, on the other hand, according to the way she dresses herself and even talks to others, doesn't seem to belong in the same place as the rest of the characters. _Is this like... an impossible love?_

As the episode goes on, you finally find out that the female lead is the daughter of the owner of the company. Somehow, she ended up meeting one of her father's employees, and they fell in love. And despite being so handsome wearing a suit, this male lead has no other striking qualities, at least judging by this episode alone. When it ends, you finally find out why you got interested in this story.

_The guy wearing the suit reminded me a lot of Jumin when I first saw him. He looked so composed and cool headed at first sight... but in the end, the girl was the character who resembled him the most, because of her background and her struggles._ You laugh at yourself, as you once again connect real people with fictional characters. _First, Zen's musical. Now, this drama I don't even know the name... what is wrong with me? Do I think every relationship can be just like in the--_

_Wait. Did I also think Jumin was this guy because now I know he likes someone? But I... I don't even know who she is. Maybe it's someone from his office, like in the drama. But it could also be... someone from a rich family like him? Should I ask him?_

You lean on your elbow, and rest your head on your hand, taking off your shoes and curling your legs on the sofa. _I hope Jumin won't mind._

_Maybe I shouldn't ask him about this girl he talked about. His... secret lover. He told me he wouldn't lie to me anymore, but that doesn't mean he necessarily needs to tell me everything about his life. And what does it have to do with me anyway..?_

You keep changing channels, but there's nothing else on TV you want to watch. You find another drama channel and keep watching another show you have no idea what the plot's about... Until you eventually lose your consciousness...

His warm tender fingers brush your skin, while your hair is moved away from your face. And while you wish you could sleep a bit more, you also want to greet him and start your day with him.

"Good morni--" You open your eyes and sit up right away upon seeing him kneeling beside you. "I'm sorry, Jumin! I think I fell asleep." You rub the drowsy sensation from your eyes, but also trying to hide your embarrassment at the same time.

"It seems you did. You could have used my bed if you--"

"No! I'm fine!" You look for your phone, but you remember you left it on the table. "What time is it?"

He looks at the watch on his wrist and then to you again. "Almost nine. I am deeply sorry, MC. I thought I could finish that meeting earlier, but my father--"

_Oh no. Him again..._

"It's alright! Let's just forget about business, how about it?" He smiles and nods. "Can we... eat now? I'm starving!!" You stand up, trying to cheer Jumin up and distract him from his problems.

The dinner is delicious, as always, since Han Jumin always manages to hire the best chefs in town. Neither of you talk about anything related to his job, or his family, preferring to keep things light, exactly like the last time. But you notice that, unlike any of the previous times you met him, his glass is not filled with wine, but water, like yours. _Maybe he's still feeling bad about Sunday and is afraid to repeat the same mistakes..?_

And also contrary to the last dinner you had together, it is Jumin's turn to change this casual talk and make it serious.

"MC, I apologize once more if I am being a bother, but I need to discuss... an important matter with you."

"Oh..." _Important?_ "What is it about?"

"It is about... the future. Yours. And mine." He keeps watching you carefully, waiting for your response. But his words explained nothing at all.

"Our future?" _Are we not fine the way we are?_ "I thought we were back to being friends when I--" _Unless... he still hasn't forgiven me for my awful treatment._ "Jumin, I... I'm really sorry for the way I behaved after you showed me that first letter. I should have trusted you more and not let my... my love for Saeyoung cloud my judgement--"

"This is not what I meant." You stare at him, waiting for a better explanation, but he just stops at these words.

"Then, what is it about? I don't understand."

Jumin picks up his glass and drinks all the water from it in one large gulp. He puts it back on the table and stare at it for a moment before answering you.

"I never thought there would come a day when I was finally pushed to make this decision. But my father... He will be punishing me and all of my employees if I don't... This is the only way." He slowly lowers his hand to grab something from inside the pocket of his pants. He lifts both of them and lay them back on the table. He opens a red velvet box in front of you, containing a small and delicate silver ring, with a shiny diamond in its middle. "I want you to marry me, MC."

_What? What???_

"Ma-marry you?? What... what are you talking about? Why would I... Jumin, we are not even... I mean, I don't consider you as more than a friend. How could we..?"

"You don't have to worry about it." _How can I not--_ "I need a wife. After I gave it much thought, I realize you are the most suitable candidate. But you don't need to worry about anything. It will be a marriage in nothing, but name only--"

"Excuse me?? You want me to be like one of those girls who accepts a contract marriage and lives the rest of her life miserably??"

He lowers his gaze to the proposal ring box in his extended hands. "I... I am sorry you think this way, MC. I need a wedding, and I will make sure that your life will never be miserable. You know I could never let you--"

"Oh, of course!" You laugh at yourself for not seeing through his act before. "So that's why you were always giving me gifts! To make me get used to being your... your model wife?? Thanks, Jumin! But no, thanks! I should have listened to the people who told me to refuse you!"

"No... MC, this is not--"

"You are exactly like your father! Caring only about your company and how to please their women!" You quickly grab your things and take fast paces towards the exit. "Goodbye, Han Jumin!"

_I am so stupid... How could I be so blind? How did I allow myself to get fooled so easily? Is this what my life is all about? Getting back-stabbed by every person I choose to trust?? I hate the RFA! I wish I had never met any one of them!_ You are at the door and reach for its handle, opening it with your shaky hands. _I will never ever meet Jumin again once I cross this--_

The small gap you managed to open is quickly and forcefully closed by his hand, appearing right at the level of your eyes without any announcement. _Or was I so distracted by my thoughts I didn't hear his steps following me?_ His arm brushes the right side of your face while he pushes the door. You feel trapped in the little space between the exit and his body.

"You misunderstood me, MC." Your body freezes with the sound of his voice so close to your ears. "Please, let me--"

"I don't care about what you want to say!" You turn around to face him. "I'm done with--" With his other hand, his thumb touches your face very gently.

"If you don't care about me, like you said... Then why are you crying?"

"I'm not--" You push his hand away, to feel your cheeks with your own fingers. _Wet._

_When did I start crying? Why am I crying? Is it because I felt insulted by his proposal? Betrayed? Or because I'll never get to see him again? Perhaps it's all of these together..._

"Please, MC..." The silence while you dry your tears gives him time to talk again. "Forgive me for poorly explaining myself. I know you don't want to accept this. But listen to what I have to say before you give me a final answer."

You look up to his face and there you see them again. His pleading grey eyes you could never deny a request to. _But I am not falling for them this time. I am not!_ And yet...

You sigh, because you know you don't want to accept his ridiculous offer, but you still can't deny his request to talk.

"What else is there to say? You just asked me to get into a contract marriage! Don't you think I have the right to get mad at you? Can't you see this is a complete insane idea and we--"

"My father will disown me if I don't get married with his partner's daughter." You widen your eyes at this information. "I... need your help."

You had no idea what Jumin has been going through for the past days. You thought this story was fully sorted out since neither Jumin nor Jaehee talked about it after that paparazzi incident. Honestly, you thought they were doing fine, but not once you called to check if they really were. _Jaehee must be working a lot too, poor girl..._

"I'm sorry. I didn't--" But Jumin just shakes his head, with an expression that means 'you didn't have to know'.

"I tried to call this engagement off on my own several times. Today's meeting was one of them. It was not on my schedule. It was between my father and this man. But I found out they were to negotiate the details of the... business part of this wedding. I made sure to be present. My purpose was to delay the date, or even cancel it. But my father has everything..."

He finally lowers his right arm from the door and lowers his gaze to the floor. You can see how defeated Jumin is, by the sound of his voice and the painful expression on his face. _He is tired of fighting this fight._ But he still keeps going.

"My father has everything under his control. This deal. The company. My life. It is all his to choose..." He keeps looking at his feet, after admitting these.

"I... I'm sure it must be very painful, Juming. Your father is so important for you... But you can't let him control your life, this isn't right." He slowly nods.

"That's why I'm choosing someone else as my wife." He lifts his eyes to your face again. "I know you don't need another relationship in your life, MC. I'm not asking you to marry me out of... love. Or any other sentiment of this kind. But we..." He looks around and points to the table you just had dinner. "We can have moments when we share our happiness... Like we had a few minutes ago." He turns to you again and, from his pocket, he picks up the red velvet box, opening it for you to see the diamond ring again. "I want you to be happy, MC. I've told you this already. It is up to you whether you'll accept it or not, but I promise to cherish you if you do."

You keep staring at the diamond. It isn't big, but it shines so brightly, you feel like it's staring back at you, despite it being just a piece of rock. The heavy meaning it carries, though, is what really bothers you.

_I really wish I could help... but marrying him? Is there no other way?_ You remember how your life with him was like when you lived a few floors under his penthouse. It really was not that bad. You had a great time with him, actually. _If he had asked me then, maybe I would have accepted it without a doubt. But now..._

You remember the promise you made to Saeran just the day before. And your heart hurts as you imagine breaking it. You have struggled for so many days worrying about the fact that you would leave him... now that you have decided to stay, you can't bring yourself to choose the other option.

"I'm sorry, but I... I don't think I can pretend to be your wife, Jumin. I mean..." _I don't think I can leave Saeran. I'm still not sure about my feelings toward him, but I-- Wait. Jumin also has someone else!_ "Jumin, you... you could be with someone else. Why did you choose me?"

He looks at you with a tender smile, then pulls back his arm, to stare at the box in his hands.

"After I lost V, I thought I would never have someone to share my burdens again. V was my best friend. And my only friend for twenty years. Of course, there was also Rika." _Her again..._ "But Rika was V's fianceé, and she was not someone who I could be completely honest with." He takes the ring from the box, placing the red velvet square object back into his pocket, but keeping the delicate round one in his hand. "And then I met you. You saw me at my worst after we had only talked to each other for a couple of times... Later, we got to live together. You are the only friend I have now. I don't want to choose someone else, because I trust you, MC. And I hope... after all we've been through, you will trust me too."

"But..." You sigh. _He didn't understand my question._ "Of course I trust you too, Jumin... but don't you have, you know... someone else... to take this role? Someone you like?"

He looks at you with a confused face. "Someone I like..?" He asks, completely oblivious to the one girl you are talking about. _I guess I'll have to tell him about what happened._

"Last Sunday, when you... had a few drinks, you ended up talking about... her. I guess... it's the girl you like?" Jumin lifts both his eyebrows and you lower your gaze to the floor, a bit embarrassed to be talking about his private life like this. _I shouldn't have listened to what he said that day, he wanted to be alone and I forced him to open the door--_

"And what exactly did I talk about?"

"You said... You wanted to run away with her."

"Hm... Yes. I guess it is true." _Jumin??_ You look at him with widened eyes. _So you do have--_ "That day, I had just had another fight with my father during our lunch together. After I got back home. I... believe I had more drinks than I was supposed to, my apologies. And it seems I ended up talking about her..."

Jumin clenches his fist around the diamond ring and turns his back to you. He then walks toward his sofa and gestures for you to sit. You follow him, accepting his invitation, and anxiously waiting for him to continue his speech about this unknown woman.

"She is someone I care about. And also the only girl who can cheer me up besides Elizabeth the Third." _Wow, she's that important??_ "I admire her in many ways. She has the courage, and the strength, to face adversities in her life, like no other person I have met... It inspires me to become a better person myself... She also helped me in many other occasions. I believe... I need to thank her for everything she did for me."

Jumin's smile is captivating. _Is that a faint blush on his face? And I... I have never seen him talking about anyone else this way. Could he be..?_

"It seems you... you already have someone who could be your wife. Why don't you ask her?"

"We cannot be together." His smile is gone as soon as he says it. _Oh... an impossible love..._

"I'm sorry about it... But, if you don't mind me asking, why not?"

"She... would not accept me." _Wait a minute._

"Would not? You haven't tried asking her yet?" He shakes his head sideways, and you roll your eyes. "Then what are you waiting for? Just go after her and tell her what you think--"

"I cannot." Jumin looks at you with a defeated look on his eyes. "If we can't be together, what is the reason for--"

"But you haven't even tried! I'm sure once you tell her, she will see how kind and hardworking and dedicated and... and how loving you are! If you just tell her the same words you just said to me, I don't see why she wouldn't accept your feelings."

"It's... complicated." He tells you and lifts the corner of his mouth in a smile. "But thank you, MC. Maybe one day... I will tell her." He looks back to the ring in his hand. "For now... I was hoping..."

You sigh loudly, still not believing how persistent he can be about something once he sets his mind on it.

"Jumin... don't you see how wrong this sounds? Us... marrying? You have this girl you clearly like, and I have Saeran--" _Oh shit..._ You instantly turn your body to the other side, hiding your face from him.

_I just made things even more complicated! I didn't want to bring him into this conversation, because Jumin will now think I'm seriously involved with Saeran. After the talk we had last time about Saeran and I staying together because he looked like... Oh shit... Will he think I'm still using--_

"MC. I am aware of that. Which is why I told you this is only a marriage in name only. I'm not asking you for your... feelings. This will be... only a paper. To appease my father's wrath once he blames me for calling off the engagement with his partner's daughter."

"But this is even worse!" You turn to him again. "What if one day you wake up and decide you want to get married with the girl you mentioned?"

"I said we cannot be together, I wouldn't--"

"You don't know that! Things change! You can't be certain about the future!" Jumin keeps staring at you, as if what you just said didn't make any difference for him. "Fine, then... What will happen if I... I'm the one who wants to marry someone else??"

He looks away, considering his options for a while, then his piercing grey eyes are back to staring at yours. "I will sign the divorce papers the moment you ask me to. What matters is your happiness."

_My happiness?_ "Jumin. This is not about me. Well, not only about me. You can't solve all the problems you have with your father by marrying me, I hope you know that?"

"Yes. I do know the issues I have with my father will not all be solved with... our wedding. I am aware this is only a temporary solution for an urgent problem. When the situation is no longer... under such a stressful circumstances, I will try to come up with a better--"

Your cellphone's notification tone interrupts Jumin. "Sorry, please continue--"

"It's getting late." He quickly checks the time at the watch on his wrist, then moves his eyes to your phone. "I think you should answer that."

_Oh... He's right. I forgot to tell Saeran our dinner would be later than scheduled... He must be worried I--_ When you look at the message on your phone, you hate yourself for being so forgetful.

_Saeran: I thought you were only going meet him for a dinner. What happened? Did you forget about me already? (11:37 p.m.)_

You lock your screen, grab your coat, and stand up from the sofa as fast as you manage.

"I'm sorry, I need to go." You say without waiting for his answer, then walk away towards the exit.

When your hand touches the doorknob, you stop. Your mind repeating the scene from earlier. _Argh... Jumin really needs my help, but... how can I just accept his proposal? This is so sudden, and... But if there is no other way, will I just leave him alone? He did say it was only a paper, so maybe... Maybe we can find a way to make this works._

You turn around, and walk back to the sofa, where Jumin is watching you from. He stood when you did, but he chose not to follow you this time.

"I'm sorry, Jumin. I... I can't accept your proposal at the moment." _Maybe after I talk with Saeran, he will understand me if I explain to him first._ "I need to think if this will work." _I need to be sure that I'll still be able to be with Saeran... Somehow..._ "I don't want to say no, because I know you need this, but I can't say yes, because I--"

He grabs your free hand, the one that is not holding your phone, and places the ring right in the middle of your palm. Before you can protest, he closes your fingers around it. The silver piece is still warm from his own hands.

"Take it." He says, as you both stare at your clenched fist, Jumin's hands keeping you from opening it. "Give me back if you choose to refuse."

"I will give you an answer when I'm ready. Do you not care how long it takes?"

"Although the engagement is certain, the wedding with the daughter of my father's client doesn't have a set date." He lets go of your hand and gives you a small smile. "I will wait for you."

"All right, then... See you soon..." _I hope. I don't want to take too long thinking about this._ You turn around to leave for a third time.

"Call me if you need anything. You know I--"

"Yeah, yeah... I know." You wave him goodbye and also for him to stop being so overprotective.

Before getting inside the elevator, you send a message to Saeran, telling him you're on your way. _I shouldn't have forgotten about you. I'm sorry..._

You put your phone inside your pocket, and start analysing the ring in your hands closely. _Oh my god... There isn't one, but multiple diamonds!_ You cover your opened mouth with one hand, as you keep staring at the small gemstones around the bigger one. They are placed in the x-shaped prongs that hold the main diamond in the center of the band. _No wonder this thing was so shiny..._ Still, they are so small, you can only notice all these pieces when you look at them as closely as you are now. _If I really accept his crazy proposal, I hope Jumin doesn't expect me to wear this daily. It seems to be so expensive..._

The elevator opens its door. You close your fist, and run.

You begin your apologies before you even get to be fully inside the car. You explain what got the dinner to be delayed, but avoid talking about the engagement. _We can have this conversation later..._ You say the word "sorry" more times than you can count. Saeran listens to all you have to say, and when you are finished, his only reply couldn't make you happier.

"It's fine... As long as you come back home to me."

Suddenly, all the cold you felt from running outside at this time of the night is replaced by a rush of warm feelings inside you. Stuttering, you thank him. And in your mind, you are thankful for him being so considerate. Despite his own fears of losing you, he doesn't want another fight, and you are thankful for that too. The last thing you needed was to end today with more discussion...

Saeran drives away from Jumin's building, and you casually ask him how did he spend his evening while you were busy cheering your friend. Saeran is very vague about it. 

"Nothing interesting. Waiting for you in a caffé nearby."

His answer is very short, and it only arouses your suspicions about it even more. _This isn't the first time he says so... Is he really visiting this crowded place?_ You worry about him so much, and you would hate to lose him. _What if his father finds him? Then he... No! I can't think about these things. Saeran will be safe. We will be safe. Together._

As Saeran drives through the dark and empty highway, you start fidgeting with the ring in your right hand. Looking at the sky through the window, you recall everything that happened earlier this night.

_A wedding proposal... I was definitely not expecting this. You did improve your skills, Jumin. For someone who could not even exchange a word with a woman without feeling disgusted, you did a very nice job. I'm sure it's because of that girl you've met. Quite a transformation she did to you... I wish you could be with her. Then we wouldn't need this..._

You look down to your hands and sigh. _Unfortunately, you are not... You are not the one who makes my heart skip a few beats every morning. You are not the one I wish I could have by my side every night. You are not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with... If he was the one to propose me..._ You put the ring right at the tip of your middle finger... _Then I would gladly accep--_

Saeran calls your name, and you jump upon hearing his loud voice. You quickly manage to cover your right hand with your left one.

"Wh-what is it?" _Shit, did the ring just slide over my fing--_

"You were not listening to what I was saying... and you had a sweet smile on your face." _This won't come out... Why is it so tight--_ "I think we have been--" _Oh shit. Jumin must have bought this based on my ring-finger measurements. Not sure how he got it, but... my middle finger is a bit--_ "Are you listening?"

"Oh, uh... Sorry. I... What were you saying?" You try to cover your hands again, and pay attention on him this time.

"I was telling you we have been--" He looks at the rear-view mirror and stops the car.

"Saeran? What are you doing? We are in the middle of the road!"

"They will be here any minute now." _They?_

"What... What are you talking about? Who are--" You turn around to see the back of the road, but it's too dark outside. You can only see ahead because of the car's frontal lights.

"Now you're listening?!" He looks at you with his brows furrowed, then at your hand on the passenger seat, where you placed it to support yourself to look at the back of the car.

You pull your hand back as soon as you notice him staring at it, but it is too late. _I fucked it up again... You weren't supposed to see it until we--_

"What is that?" You don't answer him, looking away from him. He takes a deep breath and asks you again. "MC. What. Is. Tha--"

"This... it's a... gift. A... borrowed... gif--"

"A gift?? Another gift?? I thought I told you to not accept anything from him, didn't I?" You keep quiet, staring at the diamonds in your hand. He sighs loudly, then pinch the bridge of his nose, with his face away from yours. "I knew this was going to happen... I knew it and I still let you go and meet him."

"Saeran, this... This is not what you're imagining--"

"Oh, it's not? Then would you please enlighten me, MC? Or you will just stay quiet like you've been for the past weeks?" You shake your head sideways. "Will you deny this as well? That you've been avoiding me for weeks, and then suddenly, after having a unnecessarily long dinner with... with your dear friend Jumin, you appear with a fucking diamond ring in your hand? You think I don't know what this means?" His voice is so loud in the silence of the car, you feel it's hitting you directly into your soul. "So what will it be, huh? Will you finally tell me what the fuck is going on?"

"Saeran... please, calm--" You extend your hand towards him, ignoring the fact that he is too out of control, and won't listen to reason. He grabs your right hand and lifts it at the level of your eyes. 

"I want your answer. Now!" You try to free yourself, feeling a bit scared of his other persona showing up in the middle of nowhere.

"Please... Let's talk when we are back home, I will tell you--"

You can't finish your sentence, as a strong light comes from behind the car. It seems to be a vehicle bigger than the sports car you're in, and it doesn't seem to be stopping or bypass your car... It only keeps getting closer, and Saeran also doesn't show any sign to try and move away from it. Instead, the last thing you see is his body as he launches himself over you.

You feel a strong hit.

And everything goes dark.

You feel a stinging pain on your right temple and both your arms. You can taste a bit of blood on your tongue. And you can smell the burning tires coming from outside... _Oh no, we were in an accident!_

You open your eyes and quickly try to check Saeran's condition. He is still passed out, with his arms around you. You look around you, and it seems the airbags were deployed when the car hit the mountain on the side road. You both were still wearing your seat belt when it happened, so the damage was not that bad on your bodies. You try to move your hands to reach his head, to see if there are other injuries causing him to still be unconscious, but before you can, someone tries to open the driver's door.

The door is locked, but the person keeps trying to break in. You freeze, holding his arms, and trying to keep him as close to you as possible. The person gives up on the door's lock, and you think you are finally safe.

Until they break the window's glass.

You scream, scared of what they might do to you. The person takes off Saeran's seat belt, making his body fall completely forwards onto you. You hug him. You hug him with all your strength.

"Saeran! Saeran, wake--"

Still holding onto him, Saeran is taken away from you.

Before you can protest, someone opens your door and also unlocks your seat belt. You look to this person's face, and although it is late in the night, you can see it's a masked man. You think it's because your eyes are used to the night's darkness, but it's actually because he's illuminated by another car's headlight. This car is the place where this person is taking you, and you go with him without any protests, as you're still shaken by the accident.

_Wait. An accident. Masked people... They are taking us to... Oh my God... Did they find us?? Are we going to--_

You are placed in the back seat of a van, with two more people sitting in the front. Your first instinct is to search for Saeran, while the masked person handcuffs you. Thankfully, they sit you right next to him, who is still unconscious, and also handcuffed.

"You better be quiet, bitch." Says the one who abducted you from the accident scene. _A man's voice._ "Or we will knock you out like your little buddy here." He sits next to you and closes the van's door.

You tremble in fear with his threat, but you're more worried about Saeran. Turning to your left side, to check him again, you do all you can to make sure he is alright. _What if he had a concussion? What if he broke something? He need an hospital! Where are they taking us??_

You can't make any of these questions. But you don't have to worry about it for much longer. A few minutes later, you are certain of your destination.

_They... took us to our home??_

The masked man on your right side brings you outside. _It is! It's our home's front gate. But why would they--_

"I think you know what to do, don't you?" A woman's voice comes from behind you. You turn around to see her, but she is also masked and dressed in all black clothes like the other three people in the van. _Was she in another car?_

You look around and there you see it. A big car with its front a bit scrapped. _Is that the car that caused the accident?_

"We don't have all night, girl. We need to enter this bunker, but we can only do it with one of you." She walks closer to the masked man that holds you in place. "Or do I need my friend here to use the other option--"

"No! No... I'll do it!" _I can't let them hurt Saeran..._ You walk closer to the gate to use your voice recognition password.

"Come on, boys!" She says when the gate is unlocked. "And bring the other one." She points to the van, and you know she is talking about Saeran. "Let's go inside, shall we?" She takes you by the arm, leading you inside... your own home.

As soon as you enter, she asks you something that changes everything.

"Now, where is the place Zero Seven used to work?"

You widen your eyes, not expecting her to have this information. _So they are here for him? I thought they were people from his father... But it makes sense. Their father would never bring us here... He would just put an end to our lives._

"Hey... What was your name again? I made you question... Where is his stuff--"

"There... There is nothing." You answer her, avoiding her eyes, the only thing showing up from under her mask.

She grabs your hair forcefully and you cry out.

"Stop!" Saeran screams, right behind you.

You want to turn around and see with your own eyes that he is fine, but just hearing his voice is enough.

But not for too long.

You hear one of those masked man pushing Saeran to the ground, and his body falling...

"Please, stop! Don't hurt him!" You turn around to reach for him.

"Ohh, we can play a game then." The woman says. She comes closer to you and asks in your ear, "Where is it?"

You don't say a word this time. And once again, it was a mistake. The masked man behind Saeran stomps on his hand.

"No! Stop!" You feel a tear leaving your eye as Saeran groans in pain. "I-I'll tell! I'll tell you!"

"MC. Don't!" He takes a moment to catch his breath. "I can handle worse." _Saeran... No!_

"Oh, shut it." The woman kicks him, and you fight your urge to cry. _Why is this happening to us??_ " She turns to you again. "Tell me, MC. And we'll stop hurting him."

You nod. "Follow me." She does as you say and you show her the place Saeyoung used to work at, his old computer station.

"But... it's empty!" She looks at you with an angry face.

"Yes... I destroyed everything when he left."

"That's bullshit! Where are his things?" She walks closer to the empty table, looking for any hidden objects.

"It's really true! He left me, why would I keep his things?"

"Impossible... It needs to be here!" She takes you back to the main living room. "Guys, go search for any clues. I'll keep watching them with Hyun."

"Yes, boss!"

_So she is the boss, and the guy who is holding Saeran down, put me in these handcuffs, and called me a bitch... He's named Hyun._

The boss pushes you and you fall next to Saeran on the living room's floor. Normally, you would curse whoever treated you like this, but this time, you almost thank her. You use this opportunity to get closer to Saeran and look for any major injuries on him.

"I'm fine." He says, with a smile on his face. "I probably only got a concussion."

"I'm relieved... I was so worried when you wouldn't wake--"

The woman's laugh stops you. "So... When your husband left you, you went for his brother, huh?" You widen your eyes.

_She knows they are brothers?? Then what will happen to--_

She grabs Saeran's hair and pulls his face closer to hers. "You do look a like after you got rid of your white hair, huh?" _White hair?_ _Have they met--_ Saeran spits on her masked face. And without hesitating, the woman pulls out a gun and points it to Saeran's face. "Do you want to die, scum??"

"No, stop!" You scream at her, not bearing to see Saeran's life in danger.

"Or do you want the girl to die?" You freeze, as the gun is now pointed at yourself.

"If you kill her, you won't ever get what you want." Saeran says with a calm voice. You slowly move your head to look at him. _What?_

The woman seems to consider his words for a moment, and pulls her gun back. "So you do know why we are here..." She laughs loudly. "I knew this mission was going far too easy. You were purposefully luring us here, Saeran!"

_What?_

"Saeran, what is she talking--"

"Oh dear... It must be so hard for you." She runs her hands through your hair. "You really don't know anything about your lovers, do you?" You shoot an angry look towards her. "What? Did I say something wrong? Do you even know where your ex-husband--"

"Shut up!" Saeran screams and tries to get closer to her, but Hyun holds him in place.

"Why? Don't you think she deserves to know too?" She comes closer to you, her hand touching your cheeks very slightly. "You both kept this secret from her all this time. I... I almost pity her." _Secret? You both??_

"What are you talking about?" You ask her, distancing your face from her touch. 

"MC, my dear... let me tell you a story." She says, standing up in front of you, like a real boss.

"No!" Saeran tries to reach you, but you keep looking at her. "Don't listen to her, MC! She--"

"Gag him." The woman says and turns her back to you. "Now... where do I begin?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I talk about the serious stuff: I could not help but use one of my fav scenes from Jumin's route~ (another one of my favs being the kiss in front of Sarah, but nope, I will not use it here lol)
> 
> Here it is folks, the climax of this story!! Thank you so much for your support, I am so happy you have reached this far and I hope you liked it!! Be ready for the next chapters, bc things will get really intense from now on!
> 
> Also, since I want to do my best with my writing, the next chapter will probably be posted around a month later. I hope you all have a very nice holiday season and enjoy your time as much as you can! Stay healthy and safe always!! ♥
> 
> P.S.: let's all enjoy Saeran's AE, Jumin's DLC and Jaehee's birthday event!!! The next few weeks will be so special <3


	20. The Greatest Lie

Staring at her back, you anxiously wait for her answers as she keep taking long steps away from you. _A story? What about..? Saeyoung? Does she think I don't know already about his past--_

"Once upon a time..." She starts, still facing away. "...there was a foolish agent. And because--" She sighs and crosses her arms around herself. "Do you know what makes an agent a fool, MC?"

You shake your head, completely lost at her question, almost forgetting she can't see you. "No, I--"

"It's love." She quickly turns around just in time to meet your shocked expression. "We can't have attachments. Neither family love..." She moves her eyes to Saeran, who's given up talking by now. "And especially not the love you feel for someone so special you would do anything for them."

You know she is talking about you when she walks closer to you again, you try to move back, but you feel your heart racing even faster than it already is. Panic is stopping you from making any significant movement.

"Agents are no longer part of the family they had before entering this life... and they must never build another after that. And yet, Sev-- Ah, I should call him Saeyoung after his betrayal, right?" Her eyes squeeze at you and you don't know how to answer it. You keep looking at her, so full of herself, and it's like all your fears are coming true. _She is here to end us..._

"He was such a great agent..." She shakes her head as she continues, looking away this time. "I guess four years is quite a long time, but I can still remember that day's mission as if it happened just yesterday.When we had to trade this twin..." She points at Saeran. "For the info Saeyoung possessed. But being an agent for so many years, he knew how it would really end." She takes a deep breath and takes her gun from her back, inspecting it closely. "We could not risk losing someone who knew so much about us and our clients. My only task... was to stop him."

_Stop...?_

"You were the one who shot him!" You scream at her, launching yourself forward to try and attack her. And failing miserably, as your arms are still bounded behind you. Hyun laughs at your struggle, while also holding Saeran back, as he too tries to reach and protect you. The boss merely taking a step back to dodge you.

Acknowledging Saeran's kindness, you nod in return, then try and calm yourself down. After all, the woman in front of you holds a loaded gun. But the mere thought of someone hurting Saeyoung... It affected you more than you want to admit.

_Haven't I let go of him already? He isn't here to save us this time, and still I... Do I still have feelings for--_

"I see we are one and the same, MC..." The boss says when you're back to your previous position. Her voice angers you, and you only look at her when she kneels in front of you.

She lifts her free hand towards her face, and slowly pulls her mask off. She smiles and blinks a few times at you, waiting for your reaction.

You are suddenly stunned by her beauty. The big eyes that she seemed to have while wearing the black mask are now even larger in her small face. She has a v-shaped chin, and full heart-shaped lips, with a faint red lipstick on it. Her nose is very small, and her eyebrows are just as delicate. _Is this how a female agent looks like? She looks like an idol... How can she even compare us?_

"You probably found out by now all agents are cold hearted, lying machines, didn't you?" She smiles at your silence. "Even if you don't answer me, I know you did. No one could ever know agents better than us..." She places her hand on your shoulders and leans forward until she reaches your ear, whispering only for you to hear. "The ones who fell in love with them."

You draw your brows together and look at her porcelain skin face, slowly distancing herself from you. _What the..? Who is she talking about?_

She stands up and holds her gun with both her hands, aiming towards the wall behind you. "You know... I was never as good as agent Seven Zero Seven in hacking. But he never beat me in this." She laughs and lowers her arm. "If I had killed him that day like I was supposed to... I would have saved us both from all of this, huh?"

"What... what are talking about?" You widen your eyes at her suggestion.

"Just think about it, MC..." She says, putting her gun back on its place. "The past four years, from that moment on... Gone from existence. How great would that be?"

_From that moment on... All gone? Everything that happened at Mint Eye that day... V's death. Saeyoung leaving me after our promises. My sickness. Taking advantage of Saeran... All the suffering... Everything... I could have been spared from all of--_

"But unfortunately, I chose to protect him." She interrupts your thoughts. "I thought keeping him alive would give me the chance to track them. That he certainly would start hacking as soon as they left us... In the morning, we were about to update our security system and finally find out their location. But we were too late."

"V caught us first..." You bite your lips, recalling the memories from that morning.

You take a quick look at Saeran from the corner of your eyes. He's staring at the floor, showing no signs of remembering it too. _Or is it because he does remember it and regrets doing what he did? No. He probably doesn't remember doing that... it was before he got rid of Rika's drugs and he--_

"Then someone leaked our info to the rest of the fucking world!" _Oh, right... He also did that..._ "Do you have any idea how long it took us to clean that mess?"

_If she knows Saeran did it, then she really is here to end our lives._ "I... and who--" You try to ask if she knows who did it, to confirm your suspicions about the reason of her presence here, but apparently she has other plans.

"But it didn't matter!" She shouts and you flinch with her sudden approach. "As long as I could find him, I would be fine with doing that job for years! I just... I needed him to come back to me!"

You look at her and you've never saw someone display such a painful expression. _Is she talking about Saeyoung? Did she..? Is he the one she fell in love with? Then I was not--_

"But no... I could not find him! That filthy hacker had to give him a new identity!" _Oh._ "After only a few months looking after him, he was completely gone!"

"Are you talking about... Vanderwood?" She scoffs at your question.

"If that's how you know him... Yes, Vanderwood..." She smiles at the mention of his name. _So that's the agent she fell in love with..._ "While you were living happily every after, I completely lost track of--"

"It... it wasn't a happily ever after. And I don't know--"

"Oh, but that's what we have in common, MC." She takes you by your arms and helps you stand. "Seven-- I mean, Saeyoung took away our happiness, don't you see?" You look at her and her expression is still full of anger and pain. _She truly seems to mean what she's saying_. "I could not find Vanderwood. But there was one option left... to look for the person who helped him vanish. And find any clues about how he did it."

"But he... he also..." _He also left me..._

"Yes... I know he's gone." She gently smiles and nods, as if she too went through the same experience as you. "Unfortunately, we were not the first ones to reach him. Did you not tell her, Saeran?" She looks at him, who stays silent, but staring at her. "Oh my, how can she not know it after all this time? Well, MC... Saeyoung is--"

Saeran screams through his gag and moves closer to you, his shoulder brushing your legs very lightly. You look at him, trying to stand up, but Hyun quickly manages to get him back where he was.

But Saeran keeps trying to say something _._ _What is he--_ The boss grabs your chin with her finger and moves your head towards hers, Saeran's distorted words disappearing once she makes her next question.

"MC... Do you not want to know where Saeyoung is?" You nod, too afraid to speak and express how eager you are to find out about his location. "Then think about it. You've been living with his brother... Did you not notice something strange about him?" You look at Saeran again, and he is now still, staring at the floor, completely accepting his defeat. "Don't you think he's been..." She walks towards him. "Showing up in public places too often, using his own name a bit too fearless... Did you not think someone would find him?"

"So that's how you found us! You've been looking for--"

"Oh. No, no, no..." She shakes her hands towards you. "I mean, of course you were not our main targets. At the beginning, you weren't." She lifts one of her eyebrows and smiles. "Someone very skillful was stopping us from finding out about you... Until you made a mistake." She turns to Saeran. "Using your real name on a health center... This was very stupid of you, Choi Saeran. You do know those are accessed by the government, right?"

You look at her with a horrified face. _Government?? Isn't she from Saeyoung's agency? How would she know how the government works?_

"Or should I say clever? He was certainly desperate to erase your name from the archives..." You look at Saeran, still very confused at her words, but he doesn't seem to be feeling the same. "Unfortunately for you, we have all of your brother's movements tracked. We just needed him to show one weak point of his... One that, unlike him, we could interact with. And it so happens, that it became both of you." She paces around. "But I wonder... Did he not teach you to go undercover after all these years, Saeran? I've read some of his messages, and he really seemed worried about--"

"What are you talking about? How would Saeyoung know about us??"

"Oh. Sorry, yes." She turns to you. "The reason why Saeran started living so freely, was obviously because someone was erasing his traces for him. Or trying to, at least... Saeyoung is very good, but he is no match for my entire team." She places her hand on your shoulders and leans over your face. "I am deeply sorry to inform you this, MC. Your precious ex-husband... is now working for the government."

_Then it... It can only mean one thing... Saeyoung is... He is working for his father... The person that made them suffer so much! All these years, Saeyoung is... Oh God..._

At this very moment, your world stops. Your legs suddenly give out... and you hit the floor. You hear Saeran making sounds and some movement next to you, but clearly being stopped by the guy behind him. Nothing hurts more than the pain in your heart.

_Why?? Why he did he leave us for his father? Was he threatened? Is that why he left us? It must be! The Saeyoung I knew would never--_

You feel someone comforting you. When you lift your head, you see the pretty agent you just met. "I'm sorry it took you so long to find out." She pats your back very lightly. "And I know it might sound absurd, but... his little brother here, he knows everything. Probably from the start. He's also been in touch with him. Aren't you, Saeran?"

_What??_

Saeran moves closer to you as soon as you turn to face him, Hyun doesn't move with him this time. But Saeran is also handcuffed, he can't touch you, as he seems to be trying to. You look at his face, an empty feeling of betrayal growing stronger inside you.

_I've been here before... I've felt this void consuming me before. Please tell me this is all a dream... It can't be real! I don't want it to be real!_

The boss approaches Saeran and takes off the cloth from his mouth. But the first thing he says is an apology. "I'm so sorry, MC!! This is not how you were supposed to--"

"So it's true...?" You ask him. Your voice barely coming out as more than a whisper. "You won't... even try to deny it?"

"Of course he won't. He can't keep you in the dark anymore. He probably will even tell his older brother as soon as we leave that door." Saeran shoots an angry glare at her. "Anyway... I did not come all the way here to reveal the secret you've been keeping from her." She laughs. "Well, not only that, at least. I hope you understand me, MC. I did it for your own good. It sounds weird coming from an agent, but I do hate seeing people being lied to."

"I... I understand." _Or I'll try to..._ You lower your face, unable to look at the person who's been hiding such an important piece of information from you.

"I'm glad. Now, Saeran. Just give me what I want and we'll leave."

"Then bring your shitty friends back."

"Oh, greedy, aren't we?"

"They are ruining our house." You can't believe your eyes and ears when you look at him. Saeran looks so recollected all of sudden when he says it, you wouldn't believe it to be the same person from a few seconds ago, when he practically begged for your forgiveness.

"Alright..." She shouts for the other two guys to come to the living room.

"Boss, we didn't find any techs--" One of them says as they arrive.

"Yes yes, he's going to tell us where it is." She crosses her arms and waits for Saeran.

But instead of telling or leading her to a certain part of the house, Saeran makes you a strange question.

"Where is your wedding ring?"

"My... wedding..?" You look down to your hand and the place where it used to be is now empty. On the finger next to it, though... You see another ring.

"The wedding ring Saeyoung gave you. Where did you put it?" Saeran asks again.

You frown. "Why does it matter now?"

"It's a key." _A key?_ "Where is it?"

"It's in the first drawer, where... Saeyoung's clothes--"

Saeran lifts both his eyebrows and laughs. "It's almost like he knew you would put it there."

"What are you--"

"Come with me." He turns around and starts walking towards the bedroom.

"Hyun, let's go." The two follow Saeran, and seeing no other option left, you do the same.

Upon entering your bedroom, you are surrounded by a few clothes on the floor, a clear sign that those two men searched around this place for something.

"Open that drawer and look for her wedding ring." Saeran commands Hyun as if he's the boss.

The tall and muscular agent look to his real boss and she just nods, only then he searches the drawer. He is not very careful while doing so, throwing a few pictures of you and Saeyoung on the floor. Some of the portraits' glass break as they hit the bunker's cold ground.

_Pictures from our wedding. That time we went to a museum together. Our first Christmas as a family. One of the days we had ice cream for lunch. Memories we made together..._

"Here it is, boss!" Hyun gives your ring to the woman next to you. After wearing it for over four years, it's the first time you see it in almost two months.

"What next?" She asks Saeran.

"The box will be behind a fake wall in this same drawer." Saeran looks at you. "The box and its key were both in the same place." He explains his surprise expression back at the living room.

But you're the one who's surprised at this coincidence. "How did you know about this? Saeyoung never told me about my ring being a key or any hidden box."

"Just before he left." He turns his eyes away from yours. "I heard him leaving that night. I asked what he was doing... he told me about this box and--"

"So you knew! You knew where he was going right from the start!"

"No! It's not... It's not like that, MC. I only--"

"I got it, boss! Here is the box!" Hyun interrupts him. And when you look at him, you see the place where you kept your ring completely destroyed. All the things it kept on the floor...

"Good job! Let me open it." The agent boss takes the box from his hands.

It's a very small silver box and, as Saeran described, it has a lock that perfectly fits your wedding ring. Just before putting it on the empty space, she stops and turns to Saeran.

"This isn't going to explode as soon as I--"

"Do you want me to do it?" He asks her, turning around for her to free him from his handcuffs.

"Very clever. But you will stay like that for now." She stares at the square object in her hands for a moment, then looks at you. "Do you want to do it?"

"Me??"

"It's Saeyoung's stuff. I'm sure it won't blow up if it's you opening it... I hope."

"I don't think--" _I'm sure Saeran would try to stop me if it was dangerous..._ "Okay."

Hyun frees your hands and she gives you the silver box and your ring. "We will wait just outside the room. Call us when you open it." You nod and sit on your bed alone, as Saeran is also dragged outside by the tall agent.

_Alright. Let's see what it's inside this... Please, don't explode--_

Once you place the ring inside the lock, the top side of the cube in your lap splits into two halves, showing you its contents. The first thing you see is a small piece of paper. You slowly take it from the box and finds another tiny object under it. A USB flash drive, which is what those agents came here for, you assume.

Placing the box with the flash drive aside, you pay more attention to the paper in your hands. It's folded a few times, and you take your time until you have a full letter displayed in front of you. Your hands start shaking as soon as you read the first two words written in a familiar way.

_To MC,_

_I was going to write that I wished you would never find this letter, but to be completely honest, I hope one day it finds you... A day before it's too late and you can no longer forgive me._

_My love, I could never express how painful it is for me to embark on this mission. As you sleep soundly beside me, I write these words that should never be said between us._

_For lying once again, I'm sorry._

_For hiding what happened a year ago, I'm sorry._

_For making you happy for only a short time, I'm sorry._

_For breaking the promise I made of spending the rest of my life with you, I'm sorry._

_For not saying I love you enough, I'm sorry._

_For never forgetting each and every moment we spent together, I'm sorry._

_For missing you already before I even left, I'm sorry._

_For writing this letter instead of telling you personally, I'm sorry._

_For hoping you will still love and forgive me when you read this, I'm sorry._

_You just woke up and told me to go back to sleep... I lied to you again, telling you I would soon go back to your side. I kissed your lips for the last time, and it almost made me give up and stay._

_I want you to know that I'm doing this to keep you safe. Nothing else in this world could take me away from your arms. I love you so much. I know you probably hate me by now, but I will love you until the very last breath I take._

_Your love,_

_Choi Saeyoung._

_2017 September 7th._

You pull the letter closer to your heart and finally allow the tears to leave your eyes freely.

_That's it. This is the letter I've been waiting to get from him after all this time!_ You sob, hugging the letter as if it's a link to Saeyoung, as if he can hear your thoughts and feel your feelings through it. _Saeyoung... please, be safe!! Please, be the Saeyoung from this letter... with whom I made all those happy memories with. Please..._

Someone clears their throat from outside the bedroom door, and you quickly dry your tears away.

"So... any progress?" The agent boss asks, and you nod.

"Uh..." You hide the letter behind you. "There is a flash drive inside it... I think that's what you guys want."

"It can be!" She takes the box from the bed and goes back to the living room.

Saeran stands in front of you. And you do your best to keep the letter hidden behind your back. He opens and closes his mouth a few times until he finally asks, "Are you o--"

"I'm fine." You stand up to leave the room, not in the mood to talk to him... but Saeran walks closer to you.

You know he would try to stop you with his hands if they were not handcuffed behind his back. He uses his words, instead.

"Look, I--"

"We should talk later..." You say, rushing towards the door, and folding Saeyoung's letter on your way out, putting it on your pocket.

_Once these guys leave, we can talk. And then I can decide how to feel about Saeran... The last person I thought who would lie to me. Who would hurt me like--_

"Boss, bad news..." One of the guys says as soon as you enter the living room.

"Oh, no." She comes closer to the laptop he's using, sitting next to him on the sofa. "Please don't say--"

"It's encrypted." He answers her, apparently confirming what she feared, for she closes her eyes and starts massaging her temples.

"Shit... now it's going to take us twice the time to--" She looks up to Saeran who just arrives after you. "Of course! You! You are his brother! I'm sure you can help us decode--"

"And what makes you think I will do as you--"

"You are quite a funny guy, Saeran. You're forgetting something..." She stands up and walks closer to him. "You are not the one who makes the rules here... Hyun!" The man quickly grabs Saeran's arms, keeping him in place. "I am."

She pulls out her gun and aims. Not at Saeran's face. But yours.

For the second time today, your life is threatened by her. Really threatened. Not just with words, but with her actual pistol. A thing you have not seen so close ever since you were about to rescue Saeran, four years ago.

"Sorry, MC." She says, walking towards you. The gun in her hand looking bigger every step she takes. "I really did not want to do this, but Saeran gives me no other option. I need what's inside that--"

"I'll go with you." Saeran interrupts her speech.

"Great!" She lowers her armed hand. "Then it's settled--"

"No!" You scream, running to Saeran's side and whispering in his ear. "What are you doing? You don't even know what they will do once they get what she--"

"I don't care." He says, staring ahead, once again hiding his emotions.

"Saeran, you can't! You--"

"I'll be alright." He turns to you and gives you one last smile before being dragged away by Hyun.

_No! You can't leave me too!_

You run towards them, but you are not able to take more than four steps ahead. The other two guys taking each one of your arms, holding you back.

"I'm sorry." The boss says, suddenly appearing in front of you. She comes closer to your face, and once again whispers in your ear. "I'm still not sure who is the most foolish agent... Saeyoung, who tried to protect both his brother and his lover. Or me... who fell in love with another agent." The two guys free you, and she takes a step back, smiling sadly. "Goodbye, MC."

Without looking back, all five of them walk towards the exit, leaving you alone in the bunker's messy living room.

Saeran lied to you. He lied to you for three whole years, as far as you know. And yet, you still can't help but cry while you watch him being taking away with a gun pointed at his back.

All you wanted was to set him free, and now he became a hostage. Because your life was in danger, he offered himself to save you.

_Wait..._

You pick up the letter from your pocket and read the same words written by Saeyoung. 

_I'm doing this to keep you safe._

That's when you realize that their situation would be better if you had not come into their lives... _This is all my fault! I should have never met them! I shouldn't--_

_No! I should accept my responsibility and try to solve this!_

You put the letter back inside your pocket and run to the door, but as expected, there is no one else outside anymore. You go to the gates, facing the cold wind of the night outside.

You have no idea how they did it, but both their vehicles are already gone. _I can't accept this... They must have left something behind!_

You walk back inside, searching the entire bunker for anything that wasn't there before. But it's harder to find something now with so many things out of place.

After looking for quite some time, you sit on the sofa feeling the adrenaline rush finally coming to an end. _I can't believe it... there must be something I can do..._

You look to your hands. More precisely, the ring you now carry in your finger. You're reminded of how crazy these past hours have been. _First, Jumin's proposal. Then, I finally found out about Saeyoung's--_

_Wait. That's it!_

As those agents kept both you and Saeran with your hands tied behind your backs, they did not worry about you both using any other way to ask for help. Which means, your phone is still inside the other pocket of your coat.

You call the person who can really help you at this moment, fighting the urge to call the one you actually want to talk to, the one you want to desperately check his condition. _He said he will be fine... and he... he will be, as long as he is still useful for them. But I need to rescue him before--_

"This is Han Jumin--" 

"Jumin! This is an emergency! You have to call someone who..." _Wait. No. What if they put Saeran's life in danger because they are being followed? I need to be careful and--_

"It's you. I knew no one else would call me so early in the morning." You notice his voice is still a bit hoarse from waking up just a few seconds ago.

"Oh, I... What time is it?"

"A few minutes past three."

"Sorry! I didn't want to interrupt your sleep... It's just... I--" _Shit, I need another excuse now..._

"You said there was an emergency?"

"Ah. Well, yes... but..." _Jumin can be just as desperate as me... I'm sure he will try to do something if I tell Saeran is missing, just like he did when Saeyoung--_

"Tell me what happened." He says it in a tone that sounds both demanding and worrying.

"What happened..." You repeat his words, looking around you, as if voicing your new reality is too complicated.

"Did you have another episode? Is Saeran next to--"

Your loneliness finally starts consuming you. _Saeran is gone. Saeran lied to me and is gone..._ You close your eyes, letting your heart speaks.

"I... I discovered the truth, Jumin... And it... it is just as painful as the lie I used to live in." You stand up and walk to your bedroom, where those pictures are still laying on the floor. "Was there ever a moment in my life that I knew what true happiness was like?" You sit on the floor and let another sobbing wave flood your eyes. "Everyone lied to me... everyone..."

"MC... I--" Jumin sighs and stays silent for a moment. "Where is Saeran? You need to take your--"

"He is gone." You whisper, grabbing a picture with you and the Choi twins from the floor. It's one that was taken at his garden outside the bunker. You stare at him. His serious mint eyes staring back at you. "He lied and left me just like his brother..."

"Saeran left?? Where are you, MC??"

"Where else could I be?" You sniff, while arranging the pictures on the floor in chronological order. "Their house..."

"Do not move. Wait for me right there."

Jumin finishes the call, without allowing you to answer.

_This... didn't go like I thought it would._ You stare at your phone, wondering how long will it take for Jumin to arrive. _I shouldn't bother him like this... I know he told me to call him if something happened, but... Well, what's done is done... At least he won't do anything else for now. We should consider everything about it before taking any actions... If they notice we're looking for them, they might hurt Saeran and then-- Stop._

_It will work out. It has to!_

You shake the bad thoughts away and finish putting the portraits in order. You then pull out the letter from your pocket, placing it at the end of all the pictures, since it was the last piece of memory Saeyoung left for you from that year.

_So you really knew beforehand that you would leave me... You knew it for over a year and you still married me and didn't say anything about it. What happened, Saeyoung?_ You lay next to the letter, resting your head on one of your hands, while using the other to feel Saeyoung's handwriting over the paper. _What was it that happened on September 2016 that made you decide to leave me a year later? Did your father find us? It must be it, right? But how??_

For the past months, you've been working with your therapist to restore your lost memories, and you even got to remember a few things from years ago. But if there were any signs that already indicated that Saeyoung had met his father back then, you can't really pinpoint. _Did he hide it very well, or am I forgetting something?_

You spend the next hour trying to recall any evidences of what might have caused Saeyoung's change of heart. But you can't really be sure of them all, since you didn't even live with him by that time. _Besides, four years was such a long time ago, I can't really--_

Your phone rings and you sit up from the floor, picking up the call without even checking the caller's ID.

"Saera--"

"It's me. I'm outside."

"Oh... I'll open the gates from here, you can come in."

You walk to the living room and unlock the gates. Not two minutes pass, and Jumin barges into the bunker with a security guard by his side.

"Jumin, what is he--" He rushes to you, and carefully inspects your whole body, without saying any words first. "What-What are you doing??" You try to stop him, but he's stronger than you.

"It seems you only got this minor bruise in your head." He says, gently taking your hair away from your forehead, so he can see it better.

"Oh, that's why it was hurting--" You try to touch it with your hands, but Jumin holds your wrist.

"We need to clean it. Where is the--"

"Bathroom cabinet. My bedroom." You say, interrupting him, and taking a step back, as he is speaking too close to your face.

He turns around in a swift way towards the designated place.

_Wait, the letter on the floor!_

You grab his jacket and he stops. "Just... sit here. I'll take it." He hesitates at first, but nods.

You take back your letter and, since you can't put the pictures all away on their original place, because it's been destroyed, you have to use another drawer to keep them. And you choose where you keep your own clothes, without thinking too much about it. You then go to the bathroom to finally take the medical kit for your injury.

You don't even need to open the cabinet, seeing the kit already on the floor. You place it next to the sink, to check if there is anything inside, but thankfully nothing was taken from it.

You take off your coat, finally able to feel more comfortable at home, and for the first time since you got here, you check your image on the mirror. _I look messier than this house..._ You try to adjust your hair a bit, but it's impossible to deny how much you've cried. And the injury Jumin mentioned also bled a bit, so there is a dark red line marking your forehead... _I really look like I went through hell and got back, huh?_

You walk back to Jumin, and he's already sitting on the sofa, gesturing for you to sit next to him. You give him the med kit, and let him do the job he wordlessly offered to do.

"How did you know I was... Ouch! That hurt!"

"Forgive me. I need to clean it properly."

"It's... alright." You look at him, but he moves your head back to the position he needs you to be, so he can clean your wound. You suddenly feel you're a restless kid being treated by a strict father. "How... How did you know I got hurt?"

"I saw one of Saeyoung's car being removed from the side road on my way here." _Oh..._ "I am glad you called me first. I would hate to wake up to hear about it on the news--"

"You could have called me."

"Saeran is gone. What if you also..." He sighs. "I will not talk about it if you don't want to."

_Do I not want to? But... if we don't talk about it, maybe it will be too late. Maybe with Jumin here, we can discuss and make some sort of plan? Maybe we can even save Sae--_

"There. I've cleaned and--"

"Saeyoung is working for his father."

Jumin frowns, then lifts one of his eyebrows. "His... father? The Prime Minister?" You nod. "How did you get this inf--"

"Let's get something to drink first. It's been a long night." Jumin nods and follows you into the kitchen, another room that's been turned upside down by those agents. "I hope they left something for us..."

"They?" He asks, picking up the chairs from the ground so you can sit.

"Yeah... The people who took Saeran away. It seems they are from the agency Saeyoung used to work for." You answer him looking for cups that is not broken. "Found them! What do you want to drink? I think I can brew some--"

Jumin suddenly grabs your arms and stops you from moving.

"Did you just say he was taken by the agency?" He asks so close to you again, as if he doesn't mind the lack of distance between you.

"Ye-yeah, he--"

"Why did you not tell me earlier?" He lets go of you, and picks up his phone.

"Jumin, no!" You reach for his phone, and he easily allows you to do what you want. "We can't do that!" You take his phone from his hands, to make sure the call is finished. "If they notice we are after them, they might hurt--"

"And how do you expect us to get Saeran back, MC?" You look at him with widened eyes.

"I... I thought we could talk about--"

"We can't waste time. Those people are dangerous, if we don't act now, Saeran might--"

"I know!" You close your eyes as you shout in response to Jumin's reasoning.

"Do you... not want Saeran to get back, MC?"

"Excuse me?? How could I not--"

"You told me he lied to you. How do you feel about it?"

You lower your gaze to the floor and your heartbeats involuntarily increase at the mention of this fact. _He's right, Saeran lied to me and it's hurting like a thousand arrows shot through my lungs... But is that why I'm delaying his rescue? What will happen to us once we meet again? Will we ever--_

"Then it's decided." Jumin says before you voice your answer. "I will assemble a team first thing in the morning." He takes his phone from your hands and types something you can't see. "Assistant Kang is already updated, she will take care of it while I'm absent. I've also requested more security guards to come here as soon as possible."

"You did not have--"

"We can't be sure if they will come back. We need to be prepared." He takes you by your arm and leads you to a chair. "Let me prepare something for us to eat."

"But I'm not hungry!"

"It's almost five in the morning. We should have some breakfast soon." He takes off his jacket, elegantly placing it on the back of the other chair next to yours. "What do you think about telling me what happened in detail while I cook for us?" He then stars rolling up his sleeves, and you know it will be useless to try and stop him by now.

"Fine..."

Deep inside, you know Jumin's choices are the right ones. You still have so many questions left unanswered, and you need to save Saeran first to get the answers you want.

You didn't sleep at all after your breakfast. Jumin spent his morning solving problems from his company, as he suddenly decided to stay in the bunker with you, instead of going back to C&R. You told him you would be fine with his twenty guards outside, but he is a hard guy to persuade.

Between each one of his calls, he insisted for you to rest, but how could you? Everything that happened in the past hours was still so fresh in your mind that you could not even pay attention to whatever you tried to pretend to watch while Jumin worked. Saeyoung and Saeran were the only two things in your mind.

During lunch, which Jumin asked one of the security guards to go and fetch at his favourite restaurant, your phone rings for the second time today.

You quickly run to your bedroom, where you left your phone, to pick it up, hoping once again it's a call from the people who took Saeran away. This time, you check your screen before answering the call, as you read the ID your will to accept it goes away. _Silly me..._

It's from your therapist's office, and although you don't want to talk with anyone else, you accept it.

"Hello..."

"Hello! Is this Miss MC?"

"Yes..."

"Good afternoon, Miss. This is from the Health and Counseling Center, we would like to ask you about your absence on today's session with Doctor Go Sojin."

You clench your fist on your bed sheets, and close your eyes. _I completely forgot today was Thursday... Without Saeran here to remind me, I can't even go to my appoint--_

"Miss? Are you still there?"

"Uh... yes. Sorry, I... I am--" You try to come up with an answer, but you just can't think properly. _How can I even explain--_

Jumin touches your clenched hand, then extends his own, offering to speak in your place. Without hesitation, you pass your phone to him.

"Hello. This is Han Jumin, I am a friend of MC. I would like to reschedule her appointment. Yes. No. I see... Yes, just leave as it is, then, please. Are there additional charges?"

"Jumin, you don't--" You whisper, trying to stop him from spending his money, but he just takes your hand on his and you widen your eyes.

"Yes. I'll ask my Assistant to contact you in a few minutes... Thank you." He finishes the call and gives you back your phone.

"Are you paying for me again??" You shout at him, making a serious face.

"It's nothing much, you--"

"Jumin, I told you I--"

"Saeran is not here, MC. You need your treatment. You can ask him to pay me back when he comes back, if he still--" He shuts himself up, but you know what he means. _If he still cares about me. If he still wants me in his life..._

You lower your gaze and notice Jumin is still holding your hand firmly. "Jumin, you can--" He pulls back his hand and stands up from the bed in a jolt.

"I'll make some business calls, please excuse me." He turns around and leaves your room in fast paces, as if running before you can say something about what he just did.

You chuckle as soon as he is no longer with you. _Jumin hasn't stopped being Jumin..._

The rest of the day never passed so slowly.

While the Sun was still out, Jumin invited you for a walk outside. The first thing that came into your mind was the garden Saeran left behind. _If it stays unattended for too long, its spring flowers will never bloom next year... Should I-- No, we will rescue him before we know it. I'm sure he will be here before we--_

"This has expanded compared to the last time I visited." Jumin says, talking about the flower beds.

"Yes..." You smile, remembering all the times you accompanied Saeran while he took care of them. "There are not many left now... but you should have seen it last month when he showed me--"

_"The white one means honesty. And the red one... means love."_

_"I just wanted to show you that I... my feelings for you are... What I mean is... I'm honestly by your side. And I... I always will be."_

You walk to where the few chrysanthemums are left, and pick them with your own cold hands. _That was all a lie... It was all a lie, even from the persona you created for me... Not even him stayed by my side and loved me sincerely!_

You throw the flowers on the floor and step on all the others still in full bloom.

"It was a lie! All of it!" With all your strength you smash the white and red petals with your feet, until the brown from the dirt is the colour that stands out the most. Until you almost trip and fall with your face on the garden you just killed.

But thankfully, Jumin is right next to you, and catches you right before your fall.

Like always, he is here to save and accompany you in your worst moments.

You didn't even notice you were crying until you hug him and his coat starts getting soaked by your silent tears.

_I'm only giving him troubles to solve. He's always helping me, but I never get to give him something in return. I'm always sad, crying or angry... Jumin doesn't deserve a friend like me._

"I'm... I'm sorry." Sobbing, it's the only thing you manage to say to him.

Tightening his embrace, Jumin takes a deep breath before answering you, and you move along with his chest. It's a calming sensation in a way... as is hearing his voice reverberating inside his lungs.

"This is only temporary... It will get better."

You move your head to look him in the eyes, tired of hearing empty promises. "Do you promise me? Really promise me??"

"Yes. I do." He gives you a small smile, and leads you back inside, where he makes your favourite hot drink.

At night, Jumin invited his own chef to the bunker, but even with the delicious food he always cook, you were not able to enjoy the dinner like you usually do when you have it at Jumin's.

Later, you tried to distract yourself, sometimes watching TV, sometimes watching Jumin solving more problems from the company. But none of that could get you back to your high spirits.

_Visiting that garden was a bad idea... I should probably avoid that place until Saeran comes back... Why did you lie to me, Saeran? Are you also going to say it was to protect me? Protect me from what? What makes you--_

Jumin calls your name from the hallway, and you get up from the sofa to meet him.

"I arranged a bath for you."

"What??" You answer, completely surprised by his words. "Jumin, that's really unfair! You should be the one being treated as a special guest here!"

"I'll take one too after you."

You laugh. "I know this is pretty comfortable for a bunker, but it's still far from the luxury from your penthouse... Are you sure you don't want to go back--"

"I'm good." He says, giving you a towel and a change of clothes. _Where did he find--_ "Han Jumin! Did you touch my stuff?"

"Yes." _Oh no, did he found the letter--_ Before you can ask him more, he opens the door to your bedroom and gestures for you to enter. "Your bath awaits you."

"You--" As you move your eyes to your bedroom, you can't believe what you see. Jumin not only 'touched your stuff'. He put everything back on its place. _Wait. Jumin did it?_ "Did you do it by yourself?" He nods. "You didn't ask someone to--"

"I also know how to organize a room, MC. Don't underestimate me."

"Oh, sorry, mister independent!" You chuckle at your nickname, but he looks at you with a serious face.

"Go take your bath. The water is getting cold."

"Alright, I'm going, I'm go--" When you open the bathroom's door, another surprise.

It is not only organized, but fully decorated, like a spa relaxing bath. Full of small candles scattered around the place, the bath water has some kind of colorful bubble essence inside it and there is even a nice aromatic incense burning next to it.

"Jumin, this is amazing--" You turn around to thank him, but he closes the door in your face, as soon as you do it.

"Have a nice bath, MC." He speaks a little louder from the other side of the door.

You can't contain your smile. _I really don't deserve being friends with you, Jumin..._

"That was really refreshing, Jumin! Thank you so much!!" You thank him, sitting next to him on the sofa.

"You are welcome. I thought you could use some change of routine after a stressful day."

"Yeah... I feel brand new after that! How did you get all that stuff? Your staff must be exhausted from driving all the way to downtown and back so many times..."

He smiles with the corner of his lips. "I am glad I could help. You deserve it only the best, MC."

"Thanks..." You blush at his compliment. "You should try it too! Come on!" You stand up, pulling him by his arm.

"Thank you, MC, but I'll just take a quick shower--"

"No way! You said you would do it after me, and you should have the full experience as well!" He stands up and you push him towards the bathroom, doing the same as he did. "Here is a towel, and here..." You pick some clothes from the drawer those guys did not destroy. "...are some pyjamas that Saeyoung he never got to use." You throw both at him. "See you after your bath!!"

"MC!" It's the last thing you hear before you shut the door, laughing a bit at his reaction. _Sometimes he's so hard to convince, but other times, he's so easy to manipulate... Jumin is so weird!_

You go back to the sofa, where you spent most of your time today. You play a movie on TV you probably have watched a couple of times already, and wait for Jumin to come back.

After a few minutes, you are laying on the sofa, concentrated on this movie, when suddenly Jumin sits on a chair right beside you.

"Oh, you can sit next to--"

"No. Just stay as you are."

You frown. "Okay..."

"MC, I... I know this is a delicate question, but I need to make it, anyway. It's for your own good." You move your eyes from the TV to his face. And apparently it's a very serious question, since he really seems nervous to ask you about it. "Have you taken your medication?"

"Oh..." You lay on your back and close your eyes.

_That's another thing I completely forgot about. Saeran... without you here, I can't function properly. Look what you've done to me..._

"I haven't." You answer him, opening your eyes again. "Saeran was the one who... reminded me of them."

"I see... Then, we should set an alarm so you don't forget to--"

"I can't." Jumin stays silent, waiting for you to explain yourself. "He also... took care of it. I... I don't know where it is."

"And why is that?"

"One night, I had two pills instead of one, and he thought I was trying..." You look at him, and there you see it again, his desperate eyes.

"In that case, I am glad he did it."

"But I wasn't-- Argh, forget it!" You turn around and pretend to watch the movie on TV.

"We can make an appointment with a doctor and get another prescription to buy more medicine, is that all right for you?"

You consider his offer for a moment. _I really can't stay much longer without my meds..._

"Okay... Thanks..."

He shakes his head. "Don't worry about it. Just focus on feeling better." You scoff.

"That's hard, you know..? I thought... I thought I was living with someone I could trust... I mean, Saeyoung said he left to protect me. And I know he also did it to protect Saeran from his father as well. I know him..." You sigh, feeling exhausted from all the action and the thoughts you had for the past twenty four hours. "I just... I don't see why was Saeran lying to me all this time? Did he really think I'd be happier thinking Saeyoung left me because he wanted? And not because he was being forced? If only I knew from the start, then maybe I wouldn't be so... so... sick in the head! Is that what Saeran wanted from me? To be as sick as him?"

"MC... we cannot make any assumptions now--"

"But then what can we do now? What do you expect me to think of what he did to me? To all of us? He knew of Saeyoung's whereabouts all this time and even talked to him! He lied behind our backs this entire time! And now he just went with those agents, without even putting up a fight!"

"He could not fight--"

"He could have taken me too!" You sit up, shouting at Jumin, but soon realizing your mistake. "Sorry, I... I know it's useless to... I'm just... I'm tired of being left behind. Tired of being alone..." You lay on the sofa again, pulling your legs close, trying to find comfort in your loneliness.

"But you are not alone, MC." You look at him, and he is smiling at you. "I know it is only me here, but all the other RFA members are with you. I hope you never forget it."

"Wow... you spoke like a true leader, Jumin." He looks surprised by your comment, and you smile back at him. "Thanks. I won't ever forget that."

That movie ended, and another started... it was well into the evening, when you started to feel the lack of sleep taking a toll on you. Still, you refused to fall asleep, and you had no idea why. When you yawned for the fifth or sixth time, Jumin stood up and you sat up right away and unconsciously voiced what was bothering you.

"Where are you going??"

He looks at you with both his eyebrows raised. "To... the restroom." _Oh..._ "I'm not going home, MC."

"I... That was not..." You look away, blushing at his suggestion, then back at him. "I never said you couldn't go... I mean, I think you should go back, if you--"

"Yes, I know." He gives you that sly smile only Jumin knows how to make, and walks away. "I'll be right back."

_What the-- What an asshole! Who does he thinks is?? I never even asked for him to come!_ You lay back on the sofa and pretend to sleep. _Wanna be all smart with me? Go talk with your guards then!_

Suddenly, you're being covered by a warm cloth, and immediately open your eyes. "What--" Jumin just brought you your blanket. "Were you not going to use the restroom?"

"I had a more urgent matter to attend."

"You...!" You look at his gentle smile, and then at the blanket on you. "I hate you, Han Jumin."

He sits on the chair next to you again, proud of his choice. "Comfortable?"

"Yeah! More than you!" You show him your tongue, like a real kid, and he laughs.

You go back to watch TV, but now with your blanket, it is getting even harder to stay awake...

Still, you fight the drowsiness that is taking over you after each and every second.

The feeling is very strong, as if there is something pulling you away.

"Jumin..."

Every time you blink, it's one step away from consciousness.

"Hm?"

The time outside your head is passing in a different speed.

"You won't... leave me too, will you?"

You can no longer open your eyes and see what's outside. But you feel the world around you. Jumin touches your hand.

"I will be here when you wake up... Sweet dreams... My--"

You have left the awake world for now.


	21. Tears That Were Held In, Spill Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so damn long, and some parts may be boring, but please bear with me~~

You wake up from a dreamless sleep and Jumin is no longer by your side. _Did Jumin go to sleep on the bed? Or is it already morning?? Ugh... I hate this windowless bunker._

The tv is now off, and so is the main living room illumination. You have no idea for how long you slept, since your phone is in the bedroom, and there is no clock nearby. You yawn and rub your eyes, trying to shake the sleepy feeling off.

You look around, a faint light comes from the area near the entrance door, where you see one of the security guards still on duty. He seems to be a different guy from when you went to sleep. You guess it's already past eight a.m., when they change their shifts. _At least that was their routine back in the penthouse..._

You take a deep breath and decide to start your day, whatever the time it should be now. You walk towards your bathroom, where you can do your hygiene morning routine, but stop yourself as you hear Jumin's voice coming from the kitchen. You turn around, wanting to get closer so you can understand what he's saying. You carefully stop a few steps before reaching the kitchen's door, hoping he won't get to see you.

"...keep me updated. Yes, about that too." He sighs angrily, and you can almost see his face in front of you while he does it. _Oh, Jumin, you are so predic--_ "No!" He shouts, making you flinch. _Okay, maybe not that predictable..._

You are not sure who he is talking to, nor what is making him so angry, but you have never heard him shout like this. When he continues, you wish you hadn't come listen to him.

"This is _not_ important at the moment. Yes, of course I am aware... I will call my father to discuss about it later. Do not mention this again until I say so!"

Overhearing his words, all you feel is guilty. Especially when he mentioned his father. You look down to your hands, to the finger that now carries his ring. You completely forgot to take it off. As you completely forgot about Jumin's problem.

_Jumin has a life of his own. He's already dealing with a huge family trouble. Now he even needs to solve mine... I should be the one helping him. Or at least, we should be helping each other. All I'm doing now is waiting for him to help me get--_

"I didn't know you would wake up before the Sun..." You wince again at his sudden appearance next to you.

Unconsciously covering the diamond ring with your other hand, you look the other way. "It's fine, I... I was just..." _eavesdropping on you?_ You shut your eyes, trying to come up with an excuse, when you quickly realize what he just said. "Wait, did you say the Sun hasn't risen yet? What time is it?"

He looks down to the watch on his wrist. "Six twenty five."

"That early?? I thought it was somewhat around nine. A new guard is already on duty..." He looks puzzled, squeezing his eyes at you for a second, then quickly noticing what you implied by that.

"I asked them to change their shifts earlier. A tense situation needs a new strategic approach." He then looks around and walks closer to you. "But you don't have to worry. You should go back to sleep, instead. You did not get a good night's rest for two whole days."

You are about to nod in agreement, but stop yourself.

"That's not true." He lifts his brows in surprise to your response. "I caught a nap on your sofa before our dinner, remember?" You smile proudly at your newfound good memory, while Jumin sighs, almost rolling his eyes.

"That was not proper sleeping, MC, you need--"

"How about you then?" You cross your arms. "Have you gotten any proper sleep since coming here?" He stares at you and you rise your eyebrows this time. 

He closes his eyelids and his lips form a fine line, an expression he always did when he knew your argument was valid. _Ha. I won!_

"We will both go to sleep earlier tonight. No excuses." You couldn't control your smile as he declared your victory. "Go wash yourself. I will prepare our breakfast." He said, already walking back into the kitchen.

"You could let me help--" But Jumin did not stop to listen, making you feel like a pampered visitor in your own house.

This kind of treatment is something you were used to. But the reasons behind why Jumin never let you help him, whether it was at his house or here, could be a few.

_I know how picky he can be, I think only Jaehee can keep up with him on a daily basis... And yet, I do know he only accepted her because she is good for the job. He likes to be alone and doesn't want anyone to change his routine outside his work. It could be because he can't stand a woman's company for too long, but after learning he does have someone in his heart, I wonder if it's because he doesn't accept any woman except her. Jumin is stubborn and complicated..._

You laugh, remembering the days you spent together. _I have no idea how he even allowed me into his house... it sure was a nice time, despite all the pain I was going through._ Looking down to your hands, your smile fade away. _Jumin is a nice person, he really deserves to be with--_ You sigh loudly.

_Well, I guess, just like me, he can't choose who he can be with, right?_

You pull the ring even closer to the base of your finger. _Maybe it's a good thing that it ended up in my middle finger. I should keep it here... for safety. Until I get to make a decision, I can't lose such a valuable item._

Clenching your fist and taking a deep breath, you go on with your morning routine. As if you can normally carry on with your daily activities with life as it is, ignoring your heart screaming for a certain person to come back.

"You do know you don't have to help me with this, right? You already cooked, at least let me do the dishes!" But Jumin just nods and keeps helping you anyway. "I bet you don't even know to do it properly, Mister Han!"

"I do." He answers you with a weird frown in his face, and before you can ask, he places the plate in his hand down. "He was so proud to be able to buy that house with the money from his own pictures. I had never seen him smile so much, until..."

_Oh, V..._

"So you learned to do the dishes with your best friend..." You pass another wet plate to him and smiles. "I guess this is what friends are for, huh?"

"Yes..." Jumin looks at your smile to give you one of his own. "I suppose it--"

"I'm sorry to interrupt you, Sir." One of his guards says from the kitchen's entrance. "There is someone at the gate who insists..."

_Oh my God. Is it him??_

"I told you to stop whoever-- MC!" It was too late, you're out before Jumin could stop you.

You didn't care to grab a coat to put over your thin shirt, or even change your slippers for your shoes.

You ran faster than you even thought your body was able to.

As you push Jumin's guards aside, opening the gate with your voice command...

"MC! I'm so glad you're safe!!" His arms are around you, holding you and keeping you warm in this chilly morning, but it's not enough to unfreeze you.

_It isn't him..._

"I couldn't stop myself from coming here! I had to see you! I'm so... so glad!" He continues with his shouts. And you can feel him starting to sob on your shoulder.

"Sir! What do we--" One of the guards say.

"Let him in." Jumin's voice comes from behind you. "Yoosung, may I ask why did you come here so early?"

Yoosung immediately lets you go and you feel a heavy coat around your shoulders. _Clearly something Jumin would do_. When you do look to your side, he's adjusting it for you. You don't have the energy to argue, you just accept his kind act and lower your gaze.

"I had to come and see you! I had to check if you were still--" You widen your eyes, and finally look at him.

"Did you escape from your base because you worried about me? Yoosung, are you crazy??"

"No! MC, I... I finished my military service this week." Your eyes widen even more, as if it were possible. "I came back yesterday and wanted to surprise you guys. I sent a message to Jaehee to arrange a meeting that everyone could attend this weekend, and she only answered me this morning, telling me that it would be impossible, because something came up... I got worried about you, so I had to... I had to come, because..."

_Because he thought Saeran had done something._ The meaning was obvious behind his silence.

"Well, I... I'm safe. You don't need to--"

"Then why is Jumin here? And what do you need all these guards for? Don't tell me we have another hacker--" You close your eyes, remembering the last time it happened too. "No, wait. Last time, Saeran was the hacker... Actually, where... where is Saeran, MC?"

"He... isn't here."

"Then where is he?"

"He..." You bring your arms close to your chest as you start trembling.

"Let's continue this conversation inside." Jumin interrupts Yoosung, then helps you walk inside, holding the coat around you in place.

_He probably thinks I'm shivering because it's cold. In reality, it's because the one who's walking back inside with us isn't Saeran... Why did I even think it would be Saeran? They would never let him go this easily._

Against your will, you updated Yoosung on what just happened. You knew you'd have to deal with this story more often than you wished. Your friends deserved to know. You were just not prepared to talk about it so early in the morning... or that's what you used as an excuse to explain the details of your traumatizing night slower this second time.

Unlike Jumin, who silently listened to your narrative yesterday, Yoosung angrily reacted to almost every one of your phrases. Most of them you could ignore, and even agree. But Jumin started to get annoyed at them very soon. He asked him to stop talking and wait for the end of the story, which Yoosung easily obeyed, only allowing his enraged sounds to be heard between your words. When he finally was able to let his feelings loose, he started shouting like before.

"I can't believe Saeran did this! Jumin! Why did you not tell us earlier? I'll call Zen so we can--" You hold his arm, keeping him in his place, on the sofa next to you.

"Please don't tell him yet... Zen has to perform this weekend, and I don't want to ruin his mood."

"But he needs to know!" Yoosung insists.

"Yeah, and I will tell him... At the right time." You move away from Yoosung, and looks at Jumin. "Jumin is already helping me. We will find Saeran, Yoosung. I know we will. And then we will understand why--"

"What other answers do you need, MC??" Yoosung takes your hands and you move your eyes between your joined hands and his face. "Saeran knew what he was doing when he lied to us about not knowing where Saeyoung was! He was even talking to him all this time! If that agent was lying, why did he not try to deny her accusations?"

"Maybe... he just didn't want to argue with her..?" You try to defend him, while also having the same doubts. "And... she had a gun, Yoosung. It was dangerous."

"Dangerous? But you said yourself! He was the one who brought them here!"

The woman's voice resonates in your mind. _"I knew this mission was going far too easy. You were purposefully luring us here, Saeran!"_

"I told you, guys!" Yoosung continues. "I told you when we met last time that I didn't trust him!" _True... Although it wasn't for this..._ "Saeran acted very suspicious from the very start and I knew it!! I bet he just talked to Saeyoung to extract information and give them to his former--"

"That's enough." Jumin stands up from the chair he placed in the room yesterday. "My team is leading a thorough investigation. There is no need for extra action from your part, nor we need to hear these accusations without any foundation."

"What? Did you not hear what MC just--"

"Yoosung. Please." Jumin says and extends his arm, showing Yoosung the exit.

"MC, tell him! Tell him I'm right!" You look at him, but doesn't do as he says. It infuriates him, making him standing up on a jolt. "Why do you guys always do this?? Last time, you also tried to shut me up!" He points his finger at Jumin. "I warned you about V and look what--"

"Yoosung! Stop!" You put yourself between them. "You've gone too far!" His expression quickly changes from anger to shock.

He wasn't expecting you to shout back at him, but what he said was too much for you to stay silent. _Mentioning V to Jumin after our talk this morning... he will try to pretend that he's fine, but I know him. He will be hurting behind his cool façade._

"I'm sorry, Yoosung. I think it's better if you go..." You end up agreeing with Jumin.

"But you do know I'm right, don't you?"

He watches you carefully, a slightly concerned face under his equally annoyed eyes. You know he means well, so you nod, and give him one condition.

"Let's talk about it some other time, okay?"

"Yes! Of course! Call me when you are ready to talk. I am finally free from serving, we can meet any time!" He picks up your hands and holds them tight. "Don't forget you still have your friends, alright?"

Yoosung is long gone back to the city. After hours, your mind hasn't stopped thinking about the things he made you question.

Actually, to be more precise, you already had these doubts before. Saeran indeed seemed to lure the agency people here, according to their boss' words. But you tried to find a reason for that to be a lie.

After it happened, and you could calm yourself a little, there was only one person you knew Saeran betrayed, and that was you, not his brother. You've been clinging to this belief, but now it seems the truth is really far from it.

Along with that agent's explanations, another memory comes back to prove Yoosung's point. It was from the moment right before it all happened. Before your night turned into a living nightmare.

_"Saeran? What are you doing? We are in the middle of the road!"_

_"They will be here any minute now."_

Saeran knew what was about to happen from the start. _He knew the agency had been following us and he didn't seem to do nothing about it... He wanted to and let them get what they wanted as easily as that..._

You're still not sure why he did it. You think of a few reasons, but you can't be certain of any of them. And you don't want to be. All of them include some kind of connection with the agency and a huge hit on his brotherhood. That was something you couldn't live with.

_Saeyoung went away to save us. After his sacrifice, you couldn't possibly have betrayed us... could you, Saeran??_

Except for the occasional talk during your meals, you spent your entire day worrying about this situation. You knew there was nothing that could be done about it. At least, not until Saeran is back to finally speak the truth.

"Do not overdo yourself," Jumin said at some point of your apparent distress, "it is useless to worry about what we have no control over." Of course, easier said than done...

He tried to distract you, with conversations about other topics, but it seemed like everything would always return to the subject of your anxieties. Even when you were about to sleep, earlier than usual, as Jumin promised, you didn't get any break from it.

"That's unfair!" You take your pillow back from his arm. "I'm the one who should take the sofa. You are the guest!"

"Then I will take Saeran's bed." He says it confidently, and you look at him confused.

"Jumin, there... there is no Saeran bed here."

"Where did he sleep then?" 

"Of course he--" You blush, quickly moving your eyes away from his.

You don't say any words for a while. You glance at him a few times, but are too embarrassed to maintain eye contact for too long. Jumin seems to notice what's the meaning for your reaction.

But you're the one who didn't get it. You thought he meant to ask where Saeran have been sleeping these past few months, but that was not it.

"Let me rephrase it... where did Saeran sleep when Saeyoung was still here?"

_Oh. Of course. Everyone already knows Saeran and I are-- were together since last year. So why would he ask about this period..._

"He had a sleeping bag in the living room." He looks surprised at your answer. "There is no other actual bedroom here, but Saeyoung didn't want his brother to leave him. Then we got him a bed, and he slept at Saeyoung's old working station. We would take his bed to our bedroom everytime you guys visited us, that's why you never saw it. We had plans to move to a bigger house before--" You stop yourself, sighing sadly before continuing. "Anyway, his bed is gone now."

"Then I will take the sofa. You slept there last night, you should take a more comfortable place tonight." He grabs your pillow from you again and place it on your bed.

"Why me? Where did you sleep last--"

"You can go take a bath. I have already showered, and I will be fast asleep in the other room when you're done." He faces you and lifts the right side of his mouth. "Have a good night, MC."

"Don't you dare ignore me, Han Jumin!"

But this is exactly what he does. He turns around and walks out of the door.

You want to run after him, but you know you can't convince him otherwise. _Jumin is just too stubborn!_

You enter the bathroom and quickly finish cleaning your body and mind. The day has been long, and it seems like a good idea to sleep as soon as possible.

Except, as you're about to lay on your bed, you once again let your mind think of him. Not because you want, but because your body naturally misses another in this bed.

_When I first came to the bunker, Saeyoung was the first to turn my life into a dream, even though we would rarely sleep. Preferring to spend the most of our time awake, we enjoyed ourselves, talked until late, or even just embrace each other in silence. I never thought I could smile so much as I did with him._

_I never thought another person could love me like Saeyoung did. But I was wrong._

_When Saeran brought me back here, I found out it was possible. After I allowed him into my bed, he would never let me sleep alone. Ever. He always held me through my nightmares, and calmed me down as my--_

It is a bit too late when you notice you've been soaking the sheets with your tears.

The sheet you are now sitting on is still the same you changed earlier this week, when you had just decided to stay by Saeran's side. It is not just any sheet. It is the one you always chose to use for special occasions with Saeyoung. This time, you chose to use with Saeran.

Perhaps it was your mind telling you that you still saw the younger twin as a substitute for the older one. _Or perhaps I just wanted to celebrate my final choice with him... and unconsciously chose a significant piece of bedding. For him. For us._

You stand up from the bed and start stripping it from the mattress carelessly.

"I did it for us! And you abandoned me! You...!" Grasping for air, you just fall on the hard ground. Burning tears falling from your cheeks to the pale red cotton sheets in your hands. "Why did you have to do this..? Just... why didn't you tell--"

"Please, forgive me. I thought of giving you some space, but... Forgive me." His strong arms help you stand up, and as you do, your hands slowly let go of what they hold. "Come sleep in the living room. I'll take the bed."

You don't look at his face, you're too weak to do so, and your sight too blurred to see anything. You follow his guidance without hesitation.

He leaves you alone for a while, going back to fetch your pillow and blanket. He helps you adjust comfortably to the sofa, then takes a sit at the same chair he did on the previous day.

"Didn't you say you were going to sleep in the bed?" You ask him when your emotions are under control again.

"I will..."

But he didn't. Not until you fell asleep.

Your hand is tingling under your head, so you move your arm to the right side, but it bumps a bit too hard against a wall. A fluffy one. You open your eyes and see that it isn't a wall, but the back of the sofa. You tend to forget whenever you sleep on it.

_I wish I could now forget why I slept here..._

You look to the other side and find yourself alone again. _I hope he really went to sleep properly this time. He didn't mentioned it, but he looked so tired yesterday._

You decide to look for Jumin right away. Not caring for the time, you think it will be best to just check if he's still in bed. However, once again, you hear him talking on the phone in the kitchen.

_No, wait._

This time, you hear someone's voice answering him. Not a voice coming from a phone, but a real person.

It's a male voice.

You take a step closer.

This man sounds familiar to you...

_That's...!_

You approach the kitchen with care, just like you did the day before, not knowing if either of them will approve of your presence.

Silence.

You think they might have heard you, so you take a step back in case they decide to come to the hallway.

"You don't need to hide yourself from us, MC." His voice echoes from the kitchen before you move your second foot. "Come in."

You do as he says, and there you see him. Agent Vanderwood. Almost the same as you last saw him four years ago. Except for his new attire, consisting of black pants and and black shirt, even his hair is the same.

"Surprise?" He lifts his hands, as if showing off himself to a party. You turn to Jumin, who just closes his eyes at Vanderwood's act, then back at him. You're not even sure how to respond to that. You are, indeed, surprised.

Only a few days ago, you actually thought Vanderwood had died. Or had been abducted by the agency he and Saeyoung used to work for, or perhaps by one of his enemies. Another possibility was that both him and Saeyoung would have gone to the same place together. He did disappear a year before Saeyoung, but they could have met later...

All of these were possibilities you thought of before meeting those people. After that night, you found out Saeyoung helped him go away. You knew your then husband gave Vanderwood a new identity. But that did not seem to be enough. He also needed a new place to live. A completely new life.

"He hid it even from me... was I not trustworthy?" You say it almost unconsciously.

"It wasn't his fault, nor yours." You look at him, who suddenly got closer to you. "I asked Saeyoung not to disclose my situation. Don't blame--"

"Yeah... I guess ex-agents just like to disappear from us commoners, right?" He avoids your stare, but you laugh at his silence. "Even if you don't say it, I already know. I know you're going to say he did it to protect us!"

"If you already know, then I don't need to--"

"But it still hurt!" You scream at him, placing your clenched fist above your chest. "It hurt three years ago, and it still hurts me now! He chose to hide it all from me! They both did!"

"Uh... yeah. Han Jumin was just telling me what happened before you came in."

"Good! Then explain to us how did that happen? Tell me why that agent boss, who was only after you, ended up here! Why did she have to destroy our car, our house and take Saeran away?? And what does Saeran have to do with it? Does Saeyoung even know his--"

"Yeah, yeah, just..." He widens his eyes and takes a step back as you start throwing all these questions at him. "Calm down, all right?" You try to do as he says, but the last thing you can do as of now is calming down. You just nod, waiting for him to explain it all.

Jumin helps you sit, and slides you a coup of warm tea through the table. You don't really feel like drinking it, too anxious to hear what Vanderwood has to say. You thank Jumin's generosity anyway. After he offers a water glass to Vanderwood, you both pay attention at him.

"That agent you mentioned is Minjoo. Her agent's name is Minjoo, that is." He smirks and you think there seems to be some deeper story behind it. "You said she is now a boss?" You confirm with your head. "She climbed up pretty fast. She got into the agency the same year Seven-- Saeyoung did. They used to be friends, you know?"

"What? But she looked like she--"

"Hated him?" He completes your sentence and you agree. "The agent life does that to people... During their first years, they were assigned to the same team as me. They were known as the two gems of the spying world. In every mission, they always had this kind of contest between them. It was annoying to watch, really... But each of them excelled in their own areas. Minjoo was better fitting for field missions, while Saeyoung... you know him, he is a hell of a hacker. In the end, the team was dismantled and each agent went their own way." He chuckles. "Well, I still got stuck with that dirty hacker..."

Vanderwood sighs, as if reminiscing about the old times he spent with Saeyoung. _I understand him. I often did it too, for a long time..._

"And what is the purpose of... Minjoo? What exactly did she steal and what for?" Jumin asks the practical questions.

The other man crosses his arms and makes an unusual expression. If you didn't know him from before, you'd say he is uncomfortable to keep talking.

"Let's just say... Minjoo blames Saeyoung for splitting up our team. She thinks we could all be still working together if it weren't for his... lifestyle. She even tried to persuade our boss to kick him out of our agency one time. It didn't work, of course, but I think they regret it now." He laughs. "Anyway... she has been trying to bring back our team as it was."

He scoffs and rubs his eyes slowly. His next words come out in a much lower tone than the rest, as if it wasn't meant to be heard.

"I can't believe she became a leader of her own team just for that... she could have just lived her life. She is smart. She didn't have to--" He then looks and points at Jumin. "Oh, that Hyun you mentioned... He was also on our team. I think he got into the agency around a year after those two geniuses. He is still in the agency, so it was easier for her to get him by her side. Most of our old colleagues left already... Saeyoung helped them."

"So that USB flash drive..." You try to guess. "It contains information about the people from your old team?"

"Precisely! It also contains the hacking process on how to forge a new identity at the government system, without leaving any traces. Something Saeyoung is very good at... I think that's the only way Minjoo got permission from her boss to do this. He is not very friendly with people who have left the agency. Even less so with those who are still working for agency and tries to get the deserters back... Minjoo is playing with fire."

"You mean, if he finds out where you or Saeyoung are, he will...?" You are not even capable to finish it. Vanderwood understands it, though.

He sighs loudly and crosses his arms. "We are doomed if he catches us. But don't worry, he won't." You try to believe in his words. But after experiencing so many bad things, you're not so sure you can... "Oh, don't look at me like that! We escaped before, we can do it again, alright?"

_He's right. I need to trust them... I'm sure as long as Saeyoung is still safe, he will come up with a plan to help us--_

"Well, I guess my job here is done. I'll be around the city. Let's meet when I have news about our next--" He says, already walking towards the exit.

"What do you mean??" You stand up from your chair. "You haven't even told me anything about Saeran or Saeyoung--"

He stops, then slowly turns around. "Look... I don't know anything about that. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

_What? Why??_ "But you cannot know anything! I'm sure you--"

"We don't have time for this..." He leaves your questions unanswered again, and starts walking towards the exit. But you don't let him go without giving another try.

"Then when will we have time??" You scream at his back and take a step forward. "Saeyoung left me for his greatest enemy! And now Saeran is... He is--" You feel your head a bit dizzy while taking your next step. You almost fall to your side, but someone catches you right on time. _Jumin._

"I'm sorry." Vanderwood says without looking at you. A couple more steps and he's no longer there.

You thank Jumin once again for supporting you. He helps you sit back, where he promptly gets the breakfast ready. Of course you are not hungry, but because he starts nagging you about it, you force yourself to eat at least one of the meals he places in front of you. And while you munch the sliced fruit, a question pops up in your head.

"How did he even know something had happened??" Jumin lifts his eyes from his sandwich to your face, his expression showing his confusion. "How did Vanderwood come back at this exact moment? Don't you think it's strange? He certainly have talked with Saeyoung! How could he have lied to me like--"

"I asked him." The fork falls from your hand and into your plate.

"Sorry, you... you did? And what was his answer?"

"He said... We would know soon."

You lower your gaze and frown. _What is that supposed to mean? Will he tell us soon? Or does it mean...?_

In the afternoon, both you and Jumin made the decision to leave the bunker.

During lunch, he asked you if there was anything you needed from the downtown city that his staff could bring on their way back to the bunker. The fact that those people have been doing this trip for days finally started to sink in.

Vanderwood had appeared and this could mean Saeran was one step away from being rescued. But it also could mean just another complex piece added to the whole situation, since he is no longer the only objective of Minjoo's team as you have thought.

_Until Saeran gives them the hacking codes, who knows how long it will take. And who knows how long it will take for Vanderwood and Jumin's team to come up with a plan to save Saeran..._

That's why you noticed it was useles to keep Jumin here with you. You were scared to be alone, you couldn't deny it. But it was selfish to keep him here. His grey eyes were surrounded by dark circles, something you had never seen before. He needed some rest. So did his team. And you didn't even want to think of Jaehee, who were working extra hours with her boss stuck here. You were so ashamed of failing your friend!

However, as soon as you told him about your decision, Jumin didn't hesitate on making his own.

"If I am leaving, so are you." He was sitting next to you, but suddenly stood up, grabbing your hand along with him, and gently brushing the ring he gave you with his finger. "I know this house is important to you. I would have respected your wish if we were under another condition. But since that is not the case, I cannot allow--"

"I understand..." You took your place beside him.

"If you don't want to be in my apartment, I can ask Assistant Kang--"

"Jumin, it's alright. I accept your invitation."

He lifted his eyebrows and stared at your eyes for a few seconds. You could read his face perfectly. You almost wanted to laugh because of it. _"Did I hear it correctly? Did you really just say yes?"_

"It will be... just like old times, right?" Jumin changed his expression into a more relaxed one when you said it.

"It will."

You were actually glad to stay by his side. The main purpose for your choice was because you could avoid staying alone. At least this way you could also meet your friends whenever you wanted to. And just important as, or perhaps even more than that, was the fact that you could be closer to know something about Saeran while staying in Jumin's house. You know Jumin would never hide anything from you again, but just to be sure... whether it would be from Vanderwood or Jumin's own team, you were sure to hear any news from them if you'd stay by his side.

Jumin helped you pack your things into one of his cars. Only some of them, actually. He informed you he would ask his people to come fetch the rest later, but you refused his offer this time, telling him you want to come back and get them on your own. You could not let just any other person touch your precious memories.

You left behind a dozen photos from the past, your mementos with the twins, even the ring you retrieved from the box Minjoo didn't find any use to. You still want to keep them, you just need to take your time to move them with you. Besides, you still don't know what will happen after you get to save Saeran. You still want to believe this is all a misunderstanding and that, somehow, you won't need to move them from the bunker.

Before you went to Jumin's penthouse, he decided to do one extra stop. You didn't notice where he was taking you to until it was too late. The hospital you spent the worst moments of your life. He instantly noticed your discomfort as soon as you saw its entrance approaching through the window.

"Don't worry." You moved your head from the scary building to where his soothing voice was coming from on your left side. "It will only take us a few minutes." He looked so certain of that, you just followed him inside.

And it really was faster than you thought. You took the VIP entrance, and met very few people on your way inside. When you were in what looked like a reception, you were quickly sent to an office, where you met with a doctor you had never seen before. He and Jumin, on the other hand, seemed to know each other very well. They even skipped their formal greetings, which was something you've never seen Jumin do.

After being introduced to him, Jumin finally explained why he brought you here, and the doctor easily complied with his request. He wanted a new prescription for you, since you had "lost" yours.

You were taken by surprise, so you just stared at him, speechless, for a quite a while. _How could I even thank--_

The doctor asked you if that was true. Eventually, you confirmed, telling him all the medications you were currently on. After only a few minutes you got there, you left the hospital. Jumin asked his driver to stop by a drugstore so you could get your meds and, finally, you reached the end of your destination just before the sunset.

Jumin decided to only go to work the next day. So both of you enjoyed the rest of Saturday as if it was his last day of "vacation". Talking, watching TV and, more importantly, forgetting about serious matters.

When it was time to sleep, Jumin obviously said you could you take his bed and he would take the couch. Something you blatantly refused.

"Just take a look at yourself!" You pointed to his face. "You're going to work tomorrow, Mister CEO-in-line!" You held back your laugh when calling him the way Zen did.

"I can sleep perfectly--"

"No way! Today you will sleep in your bed!" You started pushing him towards his bedroom.

"Deal."

"What?"

He turned around and gave his usual smirk you did not like at all. It always meant he was about to say something you couldn't refuse.

"I accepted your offer." You frowned, completely lost at what he meant. "I will sleep here tonight. Tomorrow, it will be you."

"Jumin! That was not what I--"

"Good night, MC." He gave you his winner smile one more time, then closed his bedroom door in your face, giving you no space to argue.

With your pills back, you felt calmer, so it wasn't hard for you to fall asleep. Jumin's sofa was also very comfortable, so you easily found a good position to lay and let your body rest...

You woke up with the smell of fried eggs and fresh fruits all around you. When you opened your eyes, you were met with another pair watching you. Jumin was sitting in a chair right in front of you. _I guess old habits die hard._

"Good morning. I made breakfast." He said before you could answer. "I'll wait for you in the kitchen."

When you met him, you felt like you just travelled back in time. Although he'd been cooking your first meal for days, nothing beat the feeling of eating it on Jumin's kitchen breakfast counter.

_It really feels like old times!_

Since he finally appeared in his office, Jaehee could take her day off as usual. Just as you were planning how to spend your day, she visited you. Unlike Yoosung, she was already informed of everything, so the last thing you did was to talk to her about what pained you.

Unfortunately, you could not help but ask her if she had any news about the investigation at some point of her visit.

"I'm sorry, MC. We haven't found anything yet..."

_I knew. I knew this would be the answer, but it still hurt to hear it from her..._

In the evening, she left to watch Zen's performance, and not much later, Jumin invited you out for dinner. But as expected, you had no appetite... He later offered you some light soup, which you could not refuse if you wanted him to just leave you alone. You forgot the annoying sides of living with him.

After your bath, he told you to sleep in his bed, that you could take turns for using it from now on, as he mentioned in the previous night. Without feeling like discussing about it, you easily accepted it.

You looked around, remembering the place was exactly the same from years ago... And another chair beside the bed, just like you saw in the living room, just like there used to be years ago when you didn't sleep together.

"Jumin... you better not be thinking of using this chair while I'm here." You told him, as he brought you a coup of water. You were the one who was going to fetch it, but he offered himself to do it for you.

He just nodded and left after watching you taking your pills.

You placed the cup on the side table and prepared yourself to sleep. Before you closed your eyes, you counted the days since you lost contact with Saeran. Time seemed to be going slowly... but also not fast enough until the day you will get to receive news from him again.

_It's been a day since Vanderwood appeared, when will the news arrive..? Isn't a few days enough? They are not tricking me, right? They can't possibly..._

_Saeyoung and Saeran have their backs at me. But they are happy. I can hear their laughter ._

_I try to call their names, but my voice doesn't come out._

_I try to run after them. My legs don't obey me._

_No, please! Don't go without me!_

_Please, don't abandon me!_

_Don't leave me alone!_

"Don't leave me...!!"

You wake up on a jolt, your whole body already sweating as if you ran a marathon. A lonesome--

You take a better look at your surroundings, and notice you are not alone.

Jumin is firmly holding your trembling hands.

_Jumin... not Saeran?_

As if you just remembered the scene of Hyun taking Saeran away, your breathing gets more unstable, the painful hole in your stomach consuming you as if your soul was the only fuel for its existence. It's almost like you know this feelings far too well...

From the distance, you can hear Jumin calling you over and over, but you can't answer. The lack of air in your lungs is the only process that you can focus now.

You want to keep paying attention at him, at whatever he's saying. But it's getting difficult every second that passes... Every time you look at him and his hair is black, not red... They're grey eyes, and not...

"You are breathing normally again... Has the medication taken effect?"

You blink a few times. _Did he say medication? Did he give me the--_

"Slowly." He says as you try to get up... from his chest.

"How did you... know I was having a nightmare?" He looks away and slowly distances himself from you. "Jumin?"

"I... I apologize. I will leave you to rest now."

He stands up from the bed, but you grab his wrist.

"You can stay." _He won't stop worrying about me even in his sleep, anyway..._

He nods and and takes his place in the chair.

"No, you silly." You lay a bit farther from the side you're currently occupying and taps twice over the empty space you left between you. "Here. The bed is big enough for us, you know tha--"

"You don't need to."

"When I used to live here, we did it every time I had nightmares, remember?" You say, then quickly turn around to face the other side of the room. "Good night, Jumin."

A few minutes later, the mattress finally shifts with Jumin's weight. He turns off the light. And smiling, you slowly drift back again to the dreamland... to meet better dreams this time.

You feel relaxed. Like you finally had your deserved rest after long and stressful days barely sleeping.

Yet, waking up with a warm and short rush of air hitting your face was not part of your plans.

Opening your eyes, you see Jumin's chest slightly revealed under his navy blue stripped pyjamas shirt. Two of its buttons apparently opened during the night. _He's even more defined than I remember..._

He exhales, blowing the hot air in your face again. You quickly move your eyes up, ignoring your embarrassment from staring at his body.

_Oh, thank God he's still sleeping!_

Before Jumin wakes up, you decide to thank him for his help and his hard work. For the first time in days, you rush to the kitchen to cook breakfast for him.

As you cook the one thing you know that will work just fine as a sign of your gratitude, you finally feel like helping him somehow. You know there aren't many things for you to do, at least your own meals and stuff like you wish Jumin would stop worrying about.

_I wish I could help his team on the investigation, though. Maybe I could ask him... Ha. Not a chance. I'm pretty sure he will just say he hired enough people to do this job, that all I need to do is wait for their--_

"I thought such appetizing scent was coming from the streets."

"What??" You turn around with your hand on your hips, showing off the apron you are using. "You don't think I'm capable of cooking a tasty meal? That hurt!"

"That was not what I meant... I was just not expecting you to cook for us."

You watch him with your eyes half closed and threaten him with the spatula in your hands.

"It's burning." He gestures his head toward the pan.

"Oh shi--" You hear him holding back his laugh behind you. "If you find it so funny, then you don't get to eat it!"

"I wouldn't dare."

You place the last pancake on a plate on the counter, then add the final ingredients in front of Jumin. You see his eyes sparkling at the dish you just cooked. It does make you feel proud. When you both start eating it, you feel more comfortable to talk about what happened.

"I think I haven't said this enough..." Jumin suddenly lifts his eyes from his plate to you, then you continue, feeling a bit more pressure now. "You... you really have been helping me a lot, so... thank you, Jumin. Thank you for everything. I know it sounds a bit extreme, but I'm not sure where I would be without you."

He stares at you for a moment, as if you just told him some shocking words. When he finally snaps out of it, he smiles and goes back to face the pancake on his plate.

"I have told you already, MC. All I want is your happiness. If you are happy, there is no need to thank me."

You give him no response. Jumin really knows how to leave you speechless sometimes.

Besides, what could you tell him? He was doing all you asked of him, helping you find Saeran without giving a second thought. More than that, he's been doing all you need of him, not leaving you alone and helping you through your bad moments. You could never ask for a better friend than Han Jumin.

Watching he happily eat the pancakes you finally mastered how to cook, weird thoughts come into your mind.

_I wonder if this would be our marriage life like... Waking up next to him everyday after a good night's sleep. Having a nice breakfast together that one of us cooked... If I could actually accept it, would I be happy with this life? Could it be enough?_

You shake these thoughts away. You have a new priority now. You can't even think about accepting anything until you see Saeran safe again.

_Even if he lied to me and we decide to never see each other again, he needs to be free before I choose anything else..._

You were deciding what were going to have for lunch for today when you received a call.

"Oh..." You pick up right away when you see who it's from. "Hello, Zen!"

"Hey, babe! It's been a long time, huh?"

"Uh... yeah. Sorry about that! I promise to go watch you again with Jaehee next weekend, how about--"

"No need, no need... I know you're probably not in the mood for shows now." His tone suddenly turns serious, and you think he might've got some info about what happened.

"Zen, how do you know..?"

There is silence for a few seconds, until he finally speaks.

"Argh, I can't hide anything from you!" You almost want to laugh at his despair. "Please don't blame us, MC! We are all just worried about you, that's all!"

"I... I know, Zen. I could never..."

He takes a deep breath and starts explaining how he got to know about last week's story.

As usual, Jaehee comes to watch him every Sunday on her day off, so he is used to see her stressed face after a long week of work. This time, however, he noticed she was worried about something apart from her daily responsibilities. She was also like that when Jumin went through that situation with the media a few weeks ago. Zen asked her what was it this time and she could not hide anything from him...

"I'm sorry, Zen. I didn't want to worry you and ruin your performance, that's why I didn't say anything..."

"You're the one who didn't need to worry about that! You should share everything with us, MC... Don't forget your friends are here to protect and help you!"

You smile at his encouraging words.

"Thank you, Zen. I will make sure to return your support when we meet... As soon as things get a little better, I--"

"That won't do!" He shouts and you almost flinch with surprise. "I'm already waiting for you. Come on."

"What?? You're outside?"

"Of course! And I have a surprise for you... I'll be waiting!"

You get dressed as fast as you can, and meet him at the entrance of Jumin's building. From a few steps away, you can already see his surprise.

"Your motorcycle!" You says as you inspect it closer. "I can't believe you still have it!"

"Of course I do!" He walks closer to you, lowering his face at the level of yours. "Want me to give you a ride, babe?"

You blush and push him away. "Stop!"

"No, I'm serious! Wanna come? We can go grab some lunch too."

You take a closer look at it, running your hands over the cold metal and imagining what it will be like...

"Yes! Let's go!"

"That's the spirit!"

Without any announcement, he starts taking off his jacket.

"Wh-What are you doing?"

"I can't let you get cold!" He places it around your shoulders and you put it on.

He then takes an extra helmet and helps you fasten it under your chin. He winks at you while doing it, and you curse yourself for blushing so easily at his charms.

After putting on his own helmet, Zen gets on the motorcycle, and you think you've never seen such an appealing view. _His muscles are at its prime in this position... and his hair is definitely shining brigh--_

"Hey... Come on!!" His shout is a bit muffled by yours and his helmet, but it's enough to snap you out of the trance.

He offers you his hand, helping you get on his back. You're not sure where to put your hands, so you just hold his sweater around his shoulders. But Zen is not content with that. He grabs both your hands and makes you hug his waist, turning around his head just enough for you to see his profile.

"Don't let go of me!" It was the last thing you heard before the loud sound from the engine engulfed your ears.

As Zen drives out of the sidewalk, you do exactly as he said, holding him as tightly as possible, as if your life could escape from you if you just get a tiny bit far from his body. Besides that, the drive is smooth and enjoyable. The cold air rapidly hits your limbs, the parts that are not protected by Zen's torso, and it makes you feel like you're flying high above the sky. It gets especially exciting when Zen decides to leave the main streets, to drive on a highway you haven't been before, full of tress on both sides of the road.

When you reach your destination, it has an even better view than you thought it would. It is a place where you can see almost the entire city from above, while also enjoying the nature around you. It seems to be a secret place of some sort, as there are no other people around, despite it having such a tourist kind of vibe.

"This is beautiful, Zen! I couldn't have imagined this place existed!"

"It's very nice, isn't it?" He approaches the wooden barriers, leaning over it with both his arms. "It makes me think about the little things I've accomplished in my life, and the--"

You're not sure why... Maybe it was driving through a highway again, maybe it is this beautiful view, maybe it was the fact you're no longer enjoying your life beside him... But you started crying.

"Heyy, no, please..." Zen approaches you, drying your tears with his finger. "Things will get better from now, okay? RFA is here for you, MC." You couldn't stop your smile.

"You know... Jumin actually said something very similar."

"Ouch! Don't compare me with that--" You hug him tightly.

"Thank you, Zen. I don't know where I'd be without the RFA to cheer me up." He embraces you back and you feel safe in his strong arms.

"I... We also have a lot to thank you, MC. So don't worry. We will make you happy again!"

You bury your face in his chest and let your smile turn into a frown. You want to believe in his words, but you no longer have the courage to expect them to become real.

"Let's grab something to eat, how about it?" He distances himself from you, but still keeping you in his arms.

"Okay..."

You spend the rest of your afternoon with him. The only thing you talk about last week is the fact that one of those bad guys had the same name as him. "How dare he take my name as his alias??", Zen practically screamed. As a response, you couldn't stop yourself from getting your revenge for all the blushes he inflicted upon you earlier...

"Don't worry... you are the only Zen in my heart!!"

It was enough to almost give him a heart attack, and you, a laughing one.

At night, back at the penthouse, Jumin arrives at the same time for dinner.

You feel you're living back in 2017 again... You are afraid to ask him if there are any news, afraid to hear the answer you already know you will. The only difference from that time is that you're wondering about someone else now.

You decide not to say anything. If Jumin knew anything, he would tell you this time. _He promised me no more secrets between us..._

_If Saeran and I had made the same vow, would we still be together? Would he had betrayed--_

"How was your day?" Jumin asks casually.

"It was... good."

"Did you do enjoy any different activities?" He doesn't move his eyes from his meal and doesn't change his intonation either, but you know him too well.

"How did you know I..?"

"I advise you to avoid visiting that place with Zen. It is too dangerous. He shouldn't put your life at--"

"How do you know where we've been??"

"It is the only place he goes with that unstable motorcycle of his. He have no care for his life, but you..."

_What the..?? So Jumin also knows about that place? Maybe it isn't so secretive after all..._

"...and I think you should understand that, MC. Are you listening? MC?"

"Oh. Yeah... I will be careful." You just shrug, actually. You knew Zen would never risk your life.

"Thank you." Jumin gives you a relieved smile, then resumes his dinner.

\--

Two days later, you didn't suffer from other attacks or nightmares again. Your friends made sure to send you messages or give you some quick calls to check on you from time to time. It made you feel loved and happier. Still, after each of those days, you went to sleep hoping you would wake up to good news.

And that was more or less what happened on early Thursday morning. In fact, it was still the middle of the night when you got your surprise.

Taking turns with the bed started to work just fine. It was time for you to be sleeping on the couch again. Even though Jumin insisted that the order should be inverted since you both slept in bed that day, you preferred to keep it the way it was. _His sofa is more comfortable than the bunker's, anyway, I can easily sleep there every night without a problem..._

But this night you wake up, right after falling asleep, blinking a few times, adjusting your eyesight to the environment around you. You see someone's silhouette sitting in the chair next to you. His profile is illuminated by the city lights coming from the window. _I can't_ _believe he's here again..._

"Go back to sleep, Jumin. It's late and you have work tomorrow." He doesn't move, nor say anything like he usually do. You sit up and reach for the light, but he grips your wrists. "What--"

He slowly pulls your hands closer to him, and you blame your sleepy head for easily accepting his bold move. He gently places your hand over his face and the first thing you notice is his wet cheek.

"Jumin, are you cryi--" You couldn't finish your word, as his hand quickly led you to another part of his head. A part that as soon as your fingers touched it, your heart stopped.

His wavy hair. The one thing you have deprived yourself from properly touching for weeks now. You are finally feeling it again. The sensation of his locks around your finger is beyond pleasant, you want to launch yourself at him and embrace him like he's the only person in this world.

You have no idea how Saeran got away from them, and at this moment, you don't even want to ask how. You're too scared to ask, afraid this dream will end if you do. You just keep feeling his hair, his face, and a tear leaves your eyes as you feel his features under your fingertips.

"I... I am so glad you're back, Saeran!"

"Ha... So this is how it feels to be the wrong twin." You immediately pull your hand back and turn the table lamp on. _This can only be a dream!_

But it isn't. The red head in front of you does not have mint eyes. He stares at you with golden ones, with red veins all around its irises, while more tears spill out from them.

"I really am here, my love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me longer to write this chapter because I was writing the next ones at the same time... I mean I already have them all on my drafts. The main ideas are all there, I just have to work on them.
> 
> Aaaand if I don't suddenly decide to add unnecessary drama, then this fic will end in 5 chapters. Yep. I also can't believe it!
> 
> Thanks for reading ♥


	22. Undiscoverable Path

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~Hope you had a nice Valentine's day and I wish you a happy and healthy Lunar new year~~
> 
> Also, 2 things I forgot to mention in last chapter's end notes:
> 
> Zen's part was TOTALLY based on his route. The place he goes with MC is the same he goes with Jumin in his route. That's why Jumin, in this fic, knows where MC and Zen have been, haha. Just some interesting trivia~
> 
> And this one is pretty important: the "Thursday" MC mentioned by the end of the previous chapter is 19 November, 2020 (which is also the day that this current chapter takes place). I wish I had kept my weekly posting schedule back then, so it wouldn't be so confusing now, but oh real life orz

With a trembling smile and tears running down his face, he calls you the way he used to.

"I really am here, my love." His voice reaches your ears again and it sounds like a music you've been longing to hear for far too long.

You stare at the rest of his face. You cannot believe the real Saeyoung is in front of you. _He looks so thinner... his dark circles are even darker. I could almost mistaken him for Saeran when he--_

"I'm sorry..." He continues, lowering his gaze to the floor, but quickly lifts his reddish eyes back to face you. "I'm so so sorry! I didn't want to leave you, my love... But I..." The familiar look he gives you, the familiar way he calls you... _Of course it cannot be anyone else but Saeyoung. This is the person I longed for... The one I--_ "Please, forgive--" Saeyoung reaches for your hand. "...me?" He tilts his head, as you unconsciously recoil.

"I... I'm..." You try to come up with a reason or an apology, but you're too shocked to think of anything.

You force yourself to touch him again, to let your body physically feel his presence again. You touch his face, and you wonder, how could you thought him to be Jumin before? _They are nothing alike..._

He isn't wearing his glasses, so it's easier to explore his familiar and handsome features. _But this isn't_ _how he used to feel..._ His skin is dry and his cheekbones are more prominent than it used to be. Your fingers keep touching him, and you can only imagine what he's been through during all these years for him to look like this.

"Sae-Saeyoun--" The scenes inside your mind make you feel short of breath, it's too much to handle, you can't even finish his name. _Everything he's suffered... for all these years._

All the years since he left.

When he went away, without saying goodbye or explaining why.

When he disregarded your feelings and made a decision on his own.

When he turned you into a sick person, who has attacks and episodes that come and go when you do not ask for them.

_Exactly like right now._

Saeyoung is calling your name for some time now. But you can't answer.

There's too much air going through your throat. And too little reaching your lungs.

You hold his arm as if your life depends on it. You search for his face like it's the source of your oxygen... _Surely it will be able to calm--_

"Just breath, MC! Just breath, slowly! Please..." You hear his voice coming out of his mouth.

_But I am,_ you want to tell him. _I am... trying... but it's not--_

"...out!" _Another voice..._

"But she is--"

The red and gold is suddenly gone from your vision. _Did I not hold him tight enough?_

You feel yourself floating... The urge to close your eyes is too strong. As if it would help you either stay afloat or go back safely to the floor again.

_Ah... It did help._

There is now a more comfortable surface under your body. _Am I lying on a cloud?_ With your eyes still closed, you carefully inspect your surroundings, but stop as soon as you feel the edge of the cloud. _If I stay still, will it carry me back to Saeyoung?_

It seems like a foolish idea, but in your current delirious state, a fluffy cloud is where you believe you are. Your breathing and heartbeats slowly go back to a level you can handle, but you're still too scared to open your eyes, in case you truly are still high above in the sky.

_But... it's so warm. I thought the night sky would be colder... Specially in November, it can't be this--_

You open your eyes and see where you actually are. "Oh."

_Jumin's bed. Of course it feels like a cloud... So that other voice was--_

"How are you feeling?" Jumin asks, helping you sit up.

You turn to his bedroom's door, but there is no trace that Saeyoung has ever been there. _Was it only a dream? A nightmare?_

"He left." You look at him, desperate to ask why, but stop.

_Of course he left. Before we could talk properly, he saw what I became... I'm no longer the one he fell in love. I'm ruined! I'm... I'm not his love anymore. That cheerful MC he met four years ago is gone..._

A comforting hand lays on your shoulder as you sob. You lay your head on his chest as the tears show no sign of stopping. Jumin holds you through your emotional breakdown until you finally are able to talk again.

"Sorry, I... I should be happy, shouldn't I?" You dry the last few tears. "He... He's back and safe, but... I..."

"You should be however you feel is right." Jumin distances himself from you. "I should apologize, instead. My security was not sufficient to keep you safe, in my own house..."

You shake your head. "Thank you, but... it's Saeyoung. You know he would always find a way to sneak into--"

"That is not an excuse!" His persistence is almost a bit scary. "I'm the one who needs to find a way to keep you safe."

"Jumin... It's really alright." You give him a half smile, but you're not sure how it looks after crying so much. "I know you always do your best. Stop blaming yourself, please." He nods, but you know he doesn't agree with you. Still, he knows there is no reason to continue this discussion.

"If you don't need anything else, I'll excuse myself and leave you to rest." He is already getting away from you as he says those words, but you hold onto his robe before he's too far. He slowly turns around, waiting for you to explain.

"What are you..." You stop. But your curiosity gets the best of you. "What are you going to do... about him?"

"What do you want me to do?"

You lower your gaze, not sure about how to answer him. _Do I even want to see Saeyoung again? What if I have another attack? And if I don't... What could we ever talk about besides--_

"How about you decide it tomorrow?" Jumin says. You look up again, and meet his reassuring look. "I'll find a way to ask him to come back only when you feel comfortable. Is that all right for you?"

You nod. "Thank you."

He gives you his small smile and walks towards the exit.

_Wait!_

"But I wasn't supposed to be sleeping here this night!" Jumin doesn't hear you. Or he pretends not to... He closes the door, leaving you alone again.

"We could have shared!" You scream, but you're not sure he listened.

Laying back again, you really wanted to sleep as soon as Jumin left, to forget everything that just happened. But you could not help yourself from overthinking.

_Will we be able to talk like normal people? Will I have another... No. I need to be strong. I need to know what happened to him... Why he chose what he did. While I..._

_What am I even going to tell Saeyoung about my own life? Could I also explain everything that I've been through?? Does he know everything that I have been doing? Saeran has been in touch with him, so he probably knows..._

_No. Not probably._

_"So this is how it feels to be the wrong twin."_

You are almost certain that he knows all the details about your relationship with his younger brother, but you'll only be sure of it when you finally sit down and have an actual talk with him.

_What is it going to be like to talk to him again..? If I'm not the same as before, is he still the same Saeyoung I loved??_

You bury your face in the pillow and sigh.

_How I wish he had not chosen to lie and leave me... How I wish he would have chosen me instead!!_

After tossing and turning a few times, you slowly fall asleep with some thoughts in mind.

_If he had trusted me... I wouldn't have done what I did to Saeran either... None of us would be suffering like this._

You had no idea at what time of the night these things happened. It certainly wasn't early. Or, in better words, it was rather late, probably almost dawn by the time you fell asleep. You know you slept that little because you are now reluctantly trying to wake up, even as you feel someone walking so close to you.

When you finally open your eyes, there is no one else but you in the bedroom. The faint light invading it through the curtains illuminate a specific part of the bed. A space near your feet that should be empty is now occupied by a fancy tray of breakfast meal. _Where is--_

You hear footsteps in the distance and run towards its direction.

"You're already leaving?" Your voice comes out a bit hoarse, as it's the first thing you say since waking up.

Jumin stops as soon as he hears you. He closes the entrance door he probably had just opened. He turns around, but doesn't move, you're the one who approaches him.

"I apologize from leaving you so early. I need to go to the office, but I assure you my guards will keep you safe from... intruders." He says the last word with his eyes away from yours.

"I told you that you shouldn't worry about it. It wasn't your fault... But thanks." You try to smile, and so does he. You're sure his level of uneasiness with this situation is probably as high as yours.

"I will be coming back for lunch." You are caught by surprise. _Did he say lunch, not dinner?_

"Okay..."

"Do you need anything else?" You shake your head. "If you wish to go somewhere, do not hesitate to ask me." _He sure is afraid I'm going to ride Zen's motorcycle, huh?_ "Like your therapist, for example."

_Oh..._ You look away. "I didn't realize it was already Thursday again..."

"I will not force you to go if you don't feel comfortable. You can stay here. My personal guard--"

"You do know that... you don't need to take care of me like this. I won't break that easily..."

"I'm merely helping a friend." He takes a couple of steps forward, closing the gap between your bodies. "As you once helped me overcome my grief." You look up to his face and you know what he's talking about. _The first time we visited V together..._

Jumin never showed those same sorrowful reactions during V's death anniversary the following years. You know that he would always miss his best friend, but apparently you did help him that day.

_But you are helping me far more than that little act of kindness I did for you, Jumin..._

"Alright then..." You smile at him, thankful once again for his presence in your life. "Have a nice morning at work... see you at lunch!"

He smiles and nods at your good wishes, then walks away.

_I should go back to the bedroom, where that beautiful breakfast is waiting for--_ The entrance door opens again and you walk back to the living room, confused. But Jumin shouts before you could walk closer to him.

"Don't forget to call me if you--"

"I will!" You roll your eyes, but also chuckle over his extreme concerns.

After eating less than half of all the food Jumin prepared, you involuntarily start thinking about what you're to say to Saeyoung once the time comes. Among all the results of this conversation, there is one possibility that intrigues you the most...

"If we put our misunderstandings aside... is there a way for us to go back?" You ask yourself, staring at the ceiling. "I finally got to know he did it all to protect me... If I do forgive him, could we get our relationship--"

You hear some noise coming from outside the penthouse and quickly sit up on the sofa. Not two seconds later, someone enters the door.

"Jaehee!!" You run towards your friend. _Thank God it's her and not..._

"Hello, MC." She returns your enthusiasm as well. "How are you do--"

A loud meowing interrupts her.

You distance your body from hers, and only then you see the pet carrier in her hands. Inside, the unmistakable fluffy white ball, staring at you with her big blue eyes.

"Elizabeth!! You finally came back!" You bend your knees to take a closer look at her.

"Yes... finally, indeed." You look up to Jaehee and smile at her sarcastic emphasis. Jaehee lowers the carrier and frees Elizabeth from her cage. The cat runs away towards her owner's bedroom.

"So she's been with you all this time?" You ask, standing next to Jaehee.

"Yes... but I'd rather not talk about it." She touches her temple with her index finger and sighs. "I'm just glad that I could bring her back safely to her rightful place. Mister Han would fire and then sue me if something were to happen with that..." She clears her throat and you hold back your laugh. "With Elizabeth the Third."

"Uh... I don't think so." She looks at you with a confused expression. "I'm sure he's much more understanding now. You see, he didn't even mention Elizabeth for the whole time we've been together this past week... Can you believe it?? Not even once! That's some progress, don't you think?"

Jaehee widens her eyes and lifts her eyebrows, just as surprised as you at this information. Then she smiles and looks away, adjusting her fake glasses. "Yes, I believe you could say it is... intriguing."

"Of course!" You place a hand on her shoulder and smile too. "Cheer up, Jaehee. At least you no longer need to take care of her, right?"

She nods. "Yes, you're right. No more cat hair all over my house!"

"Exactly!" You laugh together for a while... Until a question pops up in your head. "By the way, why didn't you bring her back the last time you came here?"

"Oh..." Jaehee looks away again. "Mister Han asked me to keep her until..." She closes her eyes and sighs, but doesn't continue.

"Until..?"

"Until he... he could make sure you were safe, without any distractions." You stare at each other for a while. You know what she's about to say before she continues. "But that was clearly not what happened, since Saeyoung was able to infiltrate--"

You turn around and hold back your tears. "You know that when he wants something, he will go through any kind of security..." _If Saeyoung didn't come after me before it was because he didn't want to see me..._ "It wasn't Jumin's fault."

Jaehee walks around you to face you again. "In any case... How are you feeling?" You bring your arms close to your body, as if there was a sudden chill in the air around you. "Come, MC. Let's sit."

She guides you back towards the sofa and waits for your answer, which doesn't come for a few minutes. You had not even thought about it. You were too worried about what could happen from now that you didn't even think about how you've been feeling towards this whole situation. You tell her the truth.

"I... I'm not sure. I thought I wanted him to come back. You know that's what I wanted... I desperately wished to hear any news about him for years! But when I finally saw him..." You squeeze your eyes, remembering all the signs of your body rejecting his. "They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I... I think my heart is... It's more confused than anything else."

You only feel your hands are shaking when Jaehee holds them.

"You don't really need to think about it right now, do you? Our main priority at the moment is to save Saeran, right?" _Saeran... Is he still_ safe? "I am certain you will have a chance to talk with Saeyoung, so try not to worry about it... And if you face any problems, you will always have us beside you."

"Oh, right!" You turn to her, a bit too abruptly, surprising her. "Could you... avoid telling about Saeyoung with Zen and Yoosung?"

"MC, that's..."

"Just until I... I'm more certain about my feelings? I'll tell them myself... please?" You cross your hands in front of her, as if you're praying for her.

"All right..." She lowers your hands. "I'll do my best."

"Thanks!!"

Jaehee also did her best to keep you distracted for the next couple of hours. Although even when she mentioned how her week at work was, you seemed to feel satisfied when her only words that hinted about Saeran's situation were "We are doing our best at the office, but we haven't made much progress".

The only thing in your mind that morning was Saeyoung. Specially how to deal with the fact that he knew about you and Saeran. _How are we supposed to clear this up? Is he going to accept me back after what I did? Do I want this to happen..? I basically cheated on him, didn't I?_

By the time Jaehee leaves, you start seeing things a bit differently. Or perhaps it was her company that helped you. You could not deny that you started to feel a bit more confident about your choices only after spending your time with her.

"I did nothing wrong... It wasn't betrayal!" You voice as you watch Elizabeth playing with one of her toys. "He was the one to leave me first... He even wanted me to be with Jumin! He..."

_But he didn't mean those._ You know now that he did what he did out of... _love? Does he still love me?? Did he come back yesterday to tell me that?_

_These doubts are killing me!!_

_It's better to have this talk as soon as possible... No. It has to be today!_

But you don't want to face him alone, so you think of a perfect scenario for this. A few minutes before lunch, you decide to call Jumin and ask him to invite Saeyoung for the meal that was supposed to be shared between just the two of you. Jumin asks you twice if this is what you truly want. The second time you answer him, you feel your voice faltering, but it's still a yes.

You sit at the table to wait for them, afraid that seeing him will make you lose your composure and unable to move from the sofa again. _No, this time I will be stronger!_

You never knew minutes could pass so slowly...

Not even your phone is able to entertain you.

You watch Elizabeth. She comes and goes around the place, exploring the apartment she hasn't been in a week.

"I still don't understand... why did Jumin decided to keep you with Jaehee for such a long time?" You ask her, and she looks at you, as if she understands that she's the one to whom you're talking. "And why did you come back today?" She meows. "Ahh, so cute!!"

You stand up and walk closer to her. _I guess they are still going to take some time to arrive... The chef didn't even come to set the table._ You kneel down on the floor, and reach out towards Elizabeth, feeling her soft hair, with the hand you carry your engagement ring.

"I'm sure your father misses you..." You smile thinking about Jumin's love for his cat. "He is working so hard to help me. With you here, I'm sure he will--"

Elizabeth breaks into a sprint, away from your hands and towards the entrance door. You follow her gaze, and before the door opens, your heartbeats start to go up.

As you expected, the moment you see him approaching you, there is no way for you to control your body anymore. You just stare at him, walking closer and closer, as if the world around you stopped and there is only you and Saeyoung in it.

He is wearing the same clothes he used to when you met him. He even has his glasses on today, which makes it all the more difficult for you to look away. He approaches you in slow motion, and you watch him from the floor without saying a word or batting your eyes. Without moving a single muscle, or even inhaling any amount of fresh air. He ceases his movement a few steps away from you, and you're still not able to react.

That is, until that strong pair of arms helps you stand, as they usually do. Jumin quickly helps you regain your inner strenght as well.

"Thanks, I... I was playing with Elizabeth..." You distance yourself from Jumin, then immidiately turn your head to Saeyoung. "I wanted to... apologize for my behaviour last night."

"You don't need to..." He says with a soft smile on his face and you want to cry at the spot. _Why does he... sound so different from yesterday?_

"I... I still want to."

He shakes his head, refusing your words, and you frown. "I'm the one who should apologize, MC. But I'm sure you will never forgive me for what I did to you..." He inhales deeply and looks at Jumin. "But anyway, I don't pretend to stay for a long time, I'm--"

"What?? Then why did you even come here??" You're not sure this was the right thing to say, but it came out before you could stop yourself. _He really isn't the same Saeyoung I met yesterday..._

"I... I want to bring Saeran back. Once he's safe, I have to re--"

"You-You'll leave... Again?" Your voice cracks at the last word.

So much for the talk you had put a thousand expectations over... You even pondered about a life with him... For nothing. You thought things could somehow be fixed... But the Saeyoung who called you 'my love' is gone again.

"I'm sorry, MC." Saeyoung continues, confirming that you've heard him correctly. "I can't stay--"

"No!" You scream and push him, transforming all the pain inside you into physical strength. "I can't believe you are doing it again!"

You have no more energy to face him after that, so before you colapse in front of him, you run towards Jumin's bedroom.

You can still hear Saeyoung's voice calling your name, but it's not the same Saeyoung who tried to keep you by his side the night before. He also doesn't go after you, and it can only mean one thing from your perspective.

_We are done!_

With your vision already blurred by the prickly sensation behind your eyes, you throw yourself on the mattress, not caring to showcase an overemotional attitude with an open door.

_How stupid of me to think we'd ever return to what we were! It is impossible! I should have known... Impossible!_ You clench your fists around the sheets as the sobs get worse, wetting the fabric around your face.

_How I wish I had never met you, Saeyoung!! You only brought me pain!_

You kept crying, and crying, and cursing Saeyoung for what felt like days... A few hours indeed had passed when you decided to sit up and look up to the window. _The sun is already about to set_. Crying that much didn't make you feel any better. In fact, it only gave you a throbbing headache once you were done.

You're sitting still when Jumin enters the bedroom with a calming tea. Embracing your legs, as if keeping them close to your body could make you feel better, you only take a look at the cup he offers you. He figures out you don't feel like drinking it and places it on the bedside table.

"Are you feeling better?" As soon as he makes you this question, you start crying again. Just when you thought you had no more tears left to shed.

He apologizes. You tighten your arms around your legs to keep your body from shaking so much. It doesn't seem to work as you wanted.

"Jumin, why... why am I like this?? I thought I was over him! But as soon as he came back, I thought about... getting back... back to what we were!" You dry your tears, stretch your legs and take a deep breath. You turn to him, tired of sobbing. "I'm so silly... Why am I still crying over someone who doesn't love me anymore?"

"Because you are yourself." You frown at his answer and he gives you the cup of tea again, which you accept without refusing this time. "You care about your friends and want them to live a good life even if they hurt you. Even if they do not deserve you."

"But he..." You keep looking at the warm tea in your hands. "I don't consider him as a friend. I honestly thought we could get back to our marriage!" You laugh desperately at your suffering. "Am I silly or just... stupid?"

"MC..." Jumin pulls his chair closer to the bed. "Is that really what you would like to happen?" _What question is this..?_

"Of course!" He keeps watching you, as if waiting for the correct answer. "Jumin, you know I longed for Saeyoung all these--"

"If you were to get back with your ex-husband right now, how would your life be like?"

You take a few minutes to consider his question and you try imagining your life with Saeyoung again. Waking up next to him every morning. Doing the same things you did back then... Spending nights and afternoons with him in bed... _The life we had before he left._

But something doesn't feel right as you picture these things.

_Is it... because Saeyoung changed?_ _No... he called me 'my love' last night, exactly the same way I used to hear back then. But... unlike in the past, I panicked instead of feeling the happiness I felt all those years ago. Could it be... I'm the only one who changed, then?_

You imagine yourself with him again, and it really doesn't bring you the same joy as it used to. _I don't feel as happy as before, when I constantly imagined them a few months ago and replayed them with... Saeran._

You think of the Saeyoung you just met, in the living room, then of Saeyoung you met the previous night, then the Saeyoung you created in your head... with Saeran's help.

_That's it, isn't it..? Saeyoung isn't the person who can makes me--_

You sigh when Jumin calls your name. He lifts his eyebrows, expecting to hear your decision, which he knows you've made by now. _How can he know me so well?_ You almost hate him for that.

"I... I think..." You close your eyes and sigh again. "You're right. We... We can't go back." He makes an approving sound. "But I still... I still don't want him to work for his father! I... I know I can't keep him with me, but I... I just..."

"And you do not need to worry about it now. I see how difficult it is for you. We should first focus on our main problem." You nod, knowing what he means.

"I know... We need to save Saeran first."

"Yes... Unfortunately, we also need Saeyoung's help to rescue him."

"What??"

"We need Saeyoung... to save Saeran. This is what I wanted to inform you by coming here. As for other decisions, we can make them later."

"Okay..." You finally take a sip of the tea, to see if it's really capable of calming you down.

You know he's right. Saving Saeran should be your first and only priority as of now. But you think 'later' will probably be a bit too late to make these decisions. In the end, you feel like there is nothing to be decided about your relationship with Saeyoung anymore.

_Truth is, me and Saeyoung were never meant to be... I can only hope for our happiness, but no longer as a couple._

"I need to talk to him about our plan." Jumin says, standing up from the chair. "He told me we should act by tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?? You mean, he's still..." You look towards the wall. "...here?"

"He told me you don't need to come... But I do know you want to be part of this." He continues, carefully taking your feelings into consideration, unlike your ex. "Do you think you can do it, or do you want me to take--"

"No, I can do it!" You almost drop the tea from your hands as you shout. "I mean... the earlier we talk about this, the earlier we can save Saeran, right?" Jumin confirms with his head.

You decide to finish your tea before leaving the bedroom. It was actually against your own will and only because you did not want to waste Jumin's kindness. He insists to hold your arms on your way to the living room, even though you keep telling him you are alright.

Well, you were... Until you saw the red hair and golden eyes, playing with _his_ Elly.

It is a sight too nostalgic for your heart to take in and not be shaken at least a little bit by it. Your legs naturally give out. Jumin quickly helps you sit at the table, right across Saeyoung. He then takes his own place by your side, but your eyes are fixed on the man in front of you.

You still think he's a mirage. Or an afterimage that appeared to fool you. _He will be gone again_ _when I blink for a second time_. But you blink a third, then a fourth time... and Saeyoung is still there. He lets go of Elizabeth, then starts speaking. _He is really... real._

"Before we talk about our plans for tomorrow's mission, I want to formally... apologize. For what I did... three years ago." He bows and you widen your eyes. _When did we become so formal with each other?_

"I believe there is no point in apologizing if you do not tell us what truly happened."

Saeyoung chuckles at Jumin's comment. "I knew you would say something like that, Jumin... and don't worry, I was already planning on doing it."

"Are you... really going to tell us? No lies?" You ask him, your nervous heart already beating faster.

"I promise." He gets closer to the table and you do the opposite, leaning against the back of the chair, as far away from him as possible. "What do you remember... from September 2016?"

"That's when we... got married." You clench your fists with all your power. What was once your source of happiness, is now one of your biggest triggers.

Saeyoung smiles and lowers his gaze. "Yes... but... before that... do you remember anything?"

You try to focus on this conversation instead of your pain.

"No. Nothing relevant, I guess... It's been so long, I don't thin--" _Oh. The letter._ "I think you mentioned something... in the letter you left inside that box?"

Saeyoung looks at you again, with a big grin. "You were the one who read it? Not someone else?" You nod and he covers his mouth with one of his hands. "That's... that's good. That's good..." You wish you were not familiar with his expressions... but you knew him enough to recognize the relief in his eyes.

"What happened in September 2016 that was so important?" Jumin asks. 

"Ah, right..." Saeyoung adjusts his glasses and also tries to change his expression to match Jumin's serious tone. "Two weeks before... before our marriage, I confronted my father."

"What??" You shout, shocked by his revelation. "How... How did that happen? Why did you not tell me? Or asked for our help??"

"I couldn't." He smiles, looking away. "You know I could never put you or Saeran in danger, and I almost..." He sighs deeply. "It started way before that, actually. Around a month prior to that, if I remember it correctly... When Vanderwood was still living in Rika's apartment, we found traces of hackers following us. It wasn't that hard for anyone to want to do so, considering how famous the RFA and Mint Eye incident got, I imagined we would attract some attention... But this hacker was specifically tracking Rika's apartment system. We just didn't know if he was from our agency, an enemy or... and I could already guess by that time, my father's people."

"That's why Vanderwood disappeared after that? You did not trust us enough to help you, so you just sent him away because, out of three possibilities, one of them was that it could be your agency?" You protest once again. "

"MC, I... I couldn't tell you. It would only put you all in danger."

"Oh, like now? That agent took Saeran away because you made that choice..."

"Well, I can't change the past, can I?" He asks you casually, and it enfuriates you.

"Of course not! And even if you could, you wouldn't change it, would you?"

Saeyoung knows. He knows that, by saying that, you mean going back to change the choice he made of leaving you. You both stare at each other's eyes, both feeling and seeing how this experience have changed you.

"Back to the story..." Jumin's voice coming from your right side breaks the awkward silence. "How did you find out it was your father and why did you decide to challenge him?"

"After Vanderwood left, I took his place in investigating who was after us, but I wasn't fully recovered from my injury yet... so it took me some time to type all the right algorithms and find their location. Of course... Saeran and MC had noticed by then. But they thought I was... visiting Vanderwood too often." _We had?_ "I could easily dissuade MC that what I was doing was nothing dangerous. But Saeran..." Saeyoung takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. "Maybe if he had not insisted to come with me, I... I wouldn't have accepted their terms..."

"I still didn't know who was after us..." He places his glasses back on his face and makes a sad face you haven't seen on him for a long time. "But Saeran... his words could easily convince me. When I told him what was going on, he told me that, if those people were from our father's side, then one day, he could become their target too... Of course I reassured him. Like the good older brother I was, I told him I would make sure to keep him safe." Saeyoung's sad smile is almost unbearable to watch. "And... and do you know what he answered?"

You move your head sideways. "No... what did he say?"

"I don't want to lose you again, brother."

Saeyoung almost cries as he says it, while you truly can't contain your tears. _Saeran... Saeran said that? So he... he didn't betray...?_

"We went to investigate the hacker's place the following week... but it was a trap. We were knocked out before we could even get into their building. And the worst part was that... we were put into separated rooms. When I woke up, tied to a chair, I could only watch Saeran from a monitor... in a situation even worse than mine, with his mouth and eyes covered. I didn't care how many times they hit me, I kept begging for them to release him, to free him from the pain that reminded him of his time in Mint Eye..." Saeyoung closes his eyes forcefully and runs his fingers through his hair as if trying to erase those images from his mind. "I curse myself every day for having brought him with me into that mess..."

You cover your mouth with both your hands. You want to keep crying. You want to hug him and tell him that his brother is safe, but you're not even sure of it yourself... 

"And your father?" Jumin asks.

"Yes, he was personally there to meet me... At first, there were only two random guys kicking and threatening me with the RFA and Saeran's life. But the fact that they knew Saeran was my twin brother certainly caught my attention. When I said I wanted to meet their boss, he did not refuse to appear right in front of me... Saejoong Choi, in all his glory... I almost wanted to puke." He leans against the back of his chair and crosses his arms. "Can you guess what they wanted from me?"

"Your expertise." Jumin says without a second thought.

"Yep. And I told him I would cooperate, of course... Saeran was in their hands, and any of you could be next." He looks directly at you while saying it. "There was just a problem, which I didn't mind to warn them... My arm was still in a very bad shape, I needed time to heal. But they told me they had a doctor, a good one, that could heal me in five or six months. I was smarter... I used this injure to my advantage. I made a deal." He scoffs. "A deal with _him_... who could have guessed..."

_Oh no, please don't tell me--_ You clench your fists as hard as you can, trying to control your emotions, to keep your comments to yourself. After all, everything he's telling you has already happened... there is nothing you can say or do to change it.

"I told him I would accept his terms... Only after they let Saeran go, only after they promised to never lay a finger on my real family and friends. And only after a whole year..." He turns his eyes to your face with a remorseful look on his eyes. "Only then... the rest of my life would be theirs. I knew they could not refuse... Broken arm or not, I'm still the best hacker, huh?" He lifts his eyebrows, as if you're in the mood for a joke. "I even asked them to kill me if they--"

"Saeyoung!!" You shout at him. "You've gone too--"

"A guy tried to punch me when I said that, but that old man stopped him... He knew I was only useful alive..." He takes a deep breath before finishing the story. "They returned me an unconscious Saeran, and he woke up when we were halfway back home. I told him the job was done... that it was only an enemy hacking agency that was after me and that I had... kicked their butts. Saeran doubted it, of course, but since we were going safely back home, we rarely talked about this again after that day." He points both his fingers towards you. "Specially in front of you."

"Why... why were you always like this?" You ask, holding up your tears. "Why did you not talk to me? To somebody? Now you are--"

"I thought... I thought it was the best decision at that moment. To all of us."

"But it wasn't!"

"MC, I..." He takes a deep breath and looks staright into your eyes. "Ever since I met you... I knew we would have to walk our separate paths one day... I tried to go with you as far as I could, but at some point, I just couldn't..." He lowes his gaze and crosses his hands on the table. "I couldn't hold on to our distancing fate... I had to let you go. The same is for Saeran."

"But did you not... did you not think how our lives would be like without you?" He looks at you with his big golden eyes surprised. "Did you really thought I'd be okay with just a few days crying after you left me?"

He looks away, ashamed. You want to tell him everything, because even now, after he saw you last night, even after seeing you crying for hours, maybe he really doesn't know anything about the changes he caused in you.

"Saeyoung... you don't understand. I... I almost died! I think... I wanted to die!" He closes his eyes and you see a tear leaving his eyes. "I wanted to die because you left me! I... I am sick now! You made me--" You look at Jumin's hand over your clenched fists under the table, then back at Saeyoung.

"I'm sorry, I... I know." Saeyoung says in a low voice.

"You know?" He nods. "How do you--" _Ah, right..._ "Of course. Saeran told you everything, didn't he?" Another nod. _So he knows I... Saeran and I..._ You take back your hands from Jumin's hold and cover your face. _He really knows, then..._

"That agent..." Jumin says while you hide your embarrassment. "Minjoo. She mentioned you and Saeran have been in contact since you left. Is that true?"

"No! Why would she..." Saeyoung scratches his head and sighs. "That woman is crazy, don't believe everything she says!" You uncover your face and look at Jumin, who also seems to share the same thoughts as you.

_Weird... that was not what Vanderwood said about her. What was that title again..? Two gems? Anyway, he called her a genius, but Saeyoung says she's crazy?_

"So Saeran didn't know you were working for your father?" You ask him this time.

"He didn't! I mean... Not from the beginning. He found out around a year later... He thought I was still missing until then, I swear!" Saeyoung lifts his hand, to show you he's not crossing his fingers. "He noticed he could walk freely on public spaces without being recognized by the government agency. He connected the dots and... hacked the government system to talk to me." He smiles sweetly. You know that, deep inside, Saeyoung is proud of his little brother's perfect hacking skills.

"But I... I don't get it." You come closer to the table again. "Why didn't he tell me, then? He chose to keep this secret from me... for what purpose? I... I don't understand."

"At first, he didn't tell you because I asked him to." _Ah, of course..._ "But I knew you were suffering a lot MC! I am not... I'm not a monster!" You stare at each other, as if you can see his feeling right through his golden irises. "One day, I... I told him he could give you that letter. The one I wrote before leaving you. The one inside the box I once mentioned to him, that same night. But he refused to do it." _What??_ "He told me that, if I had not intention of coming back, I shouldn't give you false hopes..."

_Oh, Saeran... You did all of this... for me?_

"I thought he was right." Saeyoung continues, but his tone gets a bit darker. "That he was thinking in your behalf, as well as mine... You and I... we could no longer keep living off of our past, right?" You nod. You know that now. But you can't tell him you wished he could be there for you back then... "Then, after a few months, I found out that what he actually wanted was neither helping you, nor me. It was... revenge."

"Revenge??" You shake your head, skeptic about his conclusion.

"Saeran..." He looks at you again. "He was the one who asked you to use your real name in the Health Center, wasn't he?" You widen your eyes and he scoffs. "Of course it was... That's how Minjoo found you."

"But why..? Why would Saeran..?"

"It wasn't his first try. He still hasn't came to terms with the idea that... I made that deal with Saejoong Choi. That I left him alone to work for our father, that I... made you suffer for it." Saeyoung bites his lip. You know these are all truths that he will have to carry as a burden for the rest of his life. "Before using Minjoo, he tried to hurt me with other methods... He wanted to give himself to our father, but of course I couldn't allow this to happen. I did my best to keep Saeran hidden and safe from the government and any person related to it." _As expected from him..._ "And then... getting closer to you was another way."

"What? Me?" You touch your chest with your index finger and frown.

"He wanted me to see what I had done to you... And how..." He moves his gaze to the ceiling. "How happy you could be by living a new life... with him."

You close your mouth with one of your hands again. _So Saeran really has told him everything... Then Saeyoung knows we... That we..._

"It was not the end I expected, MC. But I was really happy that you... You looked happy with him. As he was with you." He continues, then inhales deeply, still avoiding your eyes. _What the... does he understand why I--_ "If this... is your choice, I'd be happy for--"

"Are you stupid?" He looks at you with a confused face as you suddenly shout. "I only started a relationship with him because he looked like you, Saeyoung!!"

Saeyoung widens his eyes, and you honestly have no idea how can he have not notice it before. You wonder what Saeran has been telling him to make Saeyoung believe that you sought out Saeran's attention because of any other reason.

"You have no idea how awful these years have been on me. How... how insane I got because of you!" You continue, while he changes his expression to a hurtful one. "And then Saeran... do you think I fell in love with him?" Your heart breaks just saying these words, but you think this is what you feel. "Can you imagine it... every smile, every kiss, every touch... My promises of love... everything I gave him! I did all of it, thinking he was you!"

"But Saeran said you were happy together..." He tilts his head a bit to the side. "Did he not make you happy?"

"Of course he did! Saeran did all I asked of him, for me! He even... took your role for me! But I... I got exhausted of longing for you, Saeyoung! I had to let go of you, because you..." You close your eyes and take a deep breath. _You are no longer my love..._ "Now I just want Saeran to be free!" _There. I finally said it_. "Please... we have to save your brother! He needs to live a happy life for once, I owe him that! He needs to be free and happy and--"

"Is that why you're going to marry Jumin?"

You unconsciously hide the ring Saeyoung is looking at. You decide to give him the only answer that is in your mind.

"Saeyoung, with all due respect... If you won't stay, my life does not concern you anymore. You made it clear three years ago..."

You hear him sniffling and he scrubs his eyes under his glasses. "Sure... You are right. This is what I wanted for you, right? To be with Jumin and live the normal life I could never give you!"

"You--"

"Don't worry." He adjusts his glasses and gives you his fake smile. "I'll help you bring Saeran back safely... I hope you two will talk when he's back."

"Why would we--"

"So! Giving away that box to the agency was his third way of working on his revenge. He probably just didn't expect that Minjoo would take him with her and ruin his perfect plan..."

"What plan?" Jumin asks promptly.

"Of giving my enemy what they want, and stealing my--" He stops, clearing his throat, then continuing. "Anyway, we should focus on saving, then we can ask him whatever we want." He pulls up his hand, showing his phone. "Let's talk about our plans to get him back, shall we?"

Saeyoung dials a strange number, but after a few beeps, you hear a voice you recognize.

"It took you long enough to call me." Vanderwood's voice comes from the phone speaker. "Have you talked to her already?"

You immediately looks at Saeyoung, who keeps staring at the phone, without saying a word. _Is he talking about Minjoo?_

"Goddamn it, you piece o..." Vanderwood keeps cursing a bit far from the phone, but you can faintly tell what he says. "She is a lot worse than you think, okay? You should just--"

"Mary Vanderwood! I thought you were enjoying your free life from me! Why are you so stressed?"

"Cut the crap, Zero Sev-- I mean, Saeyoung. I'm asking you if you've seen MC already. She really needs your--"

"What?" The question leaves your mouth without your consent, silencing Vanderwood and making Saeyoung finally moves his eyes to yours, but it's your turn to avoid him and focus on the phone. "So this is what you meant when you said I would get news soon? You knew Saeyoung would be coming after me! Why did you not tell me??"

"That... uh... It wouldn't make any difference, would it?" Vanderwood answers.

"Of course it would! At least I would know what to do when he--"

"This is not his fault, MC." Saeyoung interrupts you. "I asked him not to tell you about me."

You move your eyes back to him, not believing his words. "Is my life some kind of joke to you? Am I... Am I your plaything?"

"What? Of course not! I would never gamble with your life--"

"Then why am I the one whose feelings you just keep ignoring over and over?? I'm always the last one to know about everything!"

"Guys... can we talk about the plan?" Vanderwood tries to stop your argument, to no avail.

"You just can't do it, can you?" You continue, anger tears threatening to fall, but you do your best to hold them up. "Taking other people's opinions into consideration... That's impossible for you!! You always have to do whatever you think is right, without any care for--"

Jumin touches your clenched fists again, slowly and surprisingly caressing your fingers one by one. "I believe we have a more important issue to solve before we continue this conversation."

"Finally, someone reasonable!" Vanderwood agrees with him. "Saeran is still waiting for us, remember?"

You lower your head and relax your hands immediately after hearing that _Saeran is waiting for us..._

"Yes... You are right." You admit it, feeling defeated, but also anxious for what is about to happen.

"All right! Now that the whole team is assembled, we can--"

"Just give us our roles, is that so hard for you?" Vanderwood interrupts Saeyoung's speech.

"Okay, okay..." Saeyoung says with his playful voice. "I was just trying to make things a bit--"

"You don't need to. Just get this over with." Vanderwood cuts him again.

"Fine. So... Jumin here thinks I'm the most important piece for our successful mission, but it is, in fact, Vanderwood!"

"Please, tell me you are joking." The ex-agent pleads with a serious voice.

"Nope, my dear Vanderwood! Jumin will lend us some helpers, I'll be secretly hacking from outside, while you will actually face the real villain! Isn't that exciti--"

"Are you sure this is going to work, Saeyoung?" Jumin asks. "Minjoo seems to be after you too. If she notices you are not there..."

"That's exactly why I shouldn't go in there, don't you think?" He looks at you and winks. "It will work, trust me."

"Why did you--"

"Now we just need to find where she--" Saeyoung says.

"I have it already." Vanderwood interrupts him and Saeyoung looks at you with a surprised face. "I'm sending you the coordinates."

"Ohh, always so reliable, this maid of mine!!"

"I will seriously quick your ass tomorrow."

"Vanderwood, I was just trying to be--"

"He hung up." You interrupt him this time, as he clearly had not notice it.

"Ah... he's always too straightforward." He takes his phone back and looks at both you and Jumin. "Don't worry guys, tomorrow's mission will be dealt within no time."

"What about our role?" You ask him with a hopeful look on your face. "I also want to participate--"

"No way! That's too dangerous!" Saeyoung stands up from his chair and walks towards the exit.

"Don't you remember when we went to save him together last time?" Your question is enough to make him stop. You walk closer to him, take his hand and ask another one. "Why can't we do it again?" 

"We are no longer together." He pushes your hand away, destroying your chances. You lower your head, ashamed of your inability. _I'm sorry, Saeran... I won't be able to--_

"I will be responsible for her." You look up again and Jumin is standing beside you and for you once again. "Send me the coordinates and the time we should meet. I will take care of the rest."

"I can't say no, can I?" Saeyoung looks over his shoulder for a quick moment, then resumes his walk towards the exit. _I could swear he wasn't showing us a happy face..._

After skipping lunch and barely eating anything for dinner, you know you will probably have little to no sleep tonight, so you tell Jumin to take the bedroom, since he let you take it last night after Saeyoung's sudden return. He refuses, of course, and tells you that you should go to bed, even if you don't feel like sleeping.

"It is your day according to our calendar, after all." He says again, right after you finished your bath. "And your body needs proper rest for tomorrow's--"

"You are right..." You start walking towards his bedroom, but stops. "And so does yours! A proper rest!" You take his hands, pulling him with you.

He pulls his arms back, but not enough for you to give up. You know he isn't using all his strength. "MC, we don't... We cannot--"

"Stop with the excuses! Your bed is big enough to fit us both very comfortably, okay?"

He keeps refusing, but eventually takes a step forward... Then another. You convinced him.

Perhaps it was the fact that you didn't sleep much the previous night, or the tea you drank with Jumin before going to bed... But it took you only around an hour to feel your eyes shutting against your wish... While still a bit conscious, you recall your eventful day, and how even more thrilling your next one is going to be.

_Oh. Of course._

"Jumin..." Even without being able to turn around and face him, due to your sleepiness, you call his name.

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"You are... most welcomed."

You smile... as you feel someone fidgeting with your hair, tenderly and carefully... You fall asleep, as you feel comfortable and safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I think I make MC cry too much or is it because I write too many sad scenes? Anyway, I hope you're enjoying it ♥


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